Dear F (10), 

Ten letters and four months is all it took. Ten letters and four months for me to realise maybe you weren’t the one for me. To realise I don’t need you anymore. I can breathe and live without you. 

A lot can happen in just a third of the year, can’t it F? I mean it took us a quarter of a year to become official and say I love you to one another. But it also took less than a quarter of a year for you to fall out of love with me and take it all away. 

Time is a bizarre thing. It delivers pain and hurt but also comes with it happiness and chances. For a lot of things there is not certain amount of time: falling in love, moving on, grieving, anticipation, excitement – all these can range from a day to almost a year. But what I do know is that time heals. With time comes hopes and new opportunities. New happiness. New love. New luck. New life. 

When you walked out I thought I couldn’t cope. I thought I wouldn’t be able to live. I had nothing to live for in my eyes. You were my love, my world. And you took it away all so easily. But look at me now! I’m here. I’m living and breathing without you.  Some days are more of a challenge but I’m coping. I’m learning to live again. To live a life where you aren’t involved and aren’t a part of the future.

I’ve met some new people in the past few months – some have stayed and others I haven’t wanted to be in my life so let them go. I’ve created memories, ones where you aren’t part of them. I’m making plans for the future with other people. I’m learning to be sociable and open myself up to others. 

That’s one thing I learnt from you F – I need to learn to be honest and say when I’m not okay. I’m learning to let people in my life and tell them when I’m not okay and that isn’t because of them, it’s just some times I  have down days where I don’t want to talk. But by being this honest I’m not pushing people away anymore which is what I did continuously with you. 

I suppose I should mention  F, that I’ve met someone. Not to replace you but someone new for me to make memories with and plan a future with. I didn’t want to meet someone this quick. I didn’t mean for it to build into what it has between me and him. It just happened so I’m going to see where it goes. If I can fall in love with him down the line. I don’t want me and him to bbecome too serious too quick. Because I still find myself craving you at times and I don’t think that’s fair on him. I’ve told him this and he is aware so we’re just going to see where we head. 

I didn’t want this to happen F. I never wanted to find myself without you. Not making another Christmas together. But here we are bub, it’s happened and we’re both doing what we need to do. I don’t know what the future holds for any of us or if you‘ll be a part of it again – I’d like to think maybe down the line but I’m not holding myself back waiting for you anymore. 

I’m moving on. I’m just going to go with the flow. See where it takes me and see how I feel. 

But if I can get to where I am now after four months and ten letters to you F, I’m anxious but eager to see what the next four months will bring me. 

Four months and ten letters later I’m ending this chapter entitled F and seeing what will fill the next chapter. 

Siggy

X

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And now we’ve paid the price

What would be more appropriate than Song of the Week being a Pvris song. I finally saw them live on Thursday night at the one and only O2 Academy Brixton. They didn’t disappoint. I have been eager to see them for months and I was so glad I finally did. I had great company, met some great people and finally hearing them live, sounded amazing.

I thought it would be appropriate to pick one of their songs which is a favourite of mine. It does have a big of significance with me and it is my go to when I am feeling a bit low or missing a certain someone. But it is also my sing a long choice too!

Hope you enjoy.

Walk Alone – Pvris

 

Not Quite Made Girl

x

Dear F, (9)

I didn’t expect to find myself writing you another letter. I thought I was coping just fine and felt no loyalty to your nor much love towards you. However, like most things when it comes to you, I was wrong.

I got a text from you just over a week ago after The Wolf Alice gig. I wasn’t expecting that. It threw me off. It has caused me to derail a bit. You saw me there. Yes, I saw you too, but I didn’t feel the need to tell you. I saw you with your friend. But I didn’t look long enough to clock what you were doing. How you were. I didn’t want to. I was there with someone and I was excited and Happy to be with them. But you felt the need to tell me that you saw me. That you were pleased I looked happy. That I was also a deadringer for the lead singer in the band we had both seen that night. Why? Why did you have to do that?

Continue reading “Dear F, (9)”

You’ll Never Know 

‘You’re a woman’, ‘You don’t have an eating disorder’, ‘You have gained a substantial amount in 2 months’ and ‘You’re fine’. 

This was just clips of my previous GP appointment that keep popping up in my head and making me feel that surge of hurt and anger at not being listened to. At not being heard. The anger that my gender has anything to do with the situation that I find myself in. 

I find it hard enough going to go to the Doctor’s. I always have. I have an irrational fear of seeing them. I always have this belief that they aren’t going to listen. That they won’t believe me and that I am just making it up, despite how I feel at that time. And in that appointment, my fears were completely justified. I had every reason to dread going to the Doctors, because instead of listening or helping, they give you a lecture and make you feel worse. 

Continue reading “You’ll Never Know “

You want a future and you want it now!

Now I really couldn’t decide on a song. I know I have already done one for this week but I thought seeming as I have been listening to Don Broco the last couple of days in preparation of seeing them tonight, I wanted to post one of theirs. Treat all your ears to a bit of their sound. (You can thank me later 😉 I’m joking, but hey, you never know, you may end up liking them!)

This was such a hard choice for me to just pick one song. There’s so many songs, that even when I’m doing something else whilst listening to music, will suddenly catch my attention and I’ll find myself singing along. There’s Hold on, Further, Priorities, Tough on you, Superlove and Nerve (tbh the list goes on and on) but I decided on keep on pushing. I chose this one because I really enjoy the lyrics, and feel very much in a similar position to the song. They talk about doing all the things that our friends are doing, such as getting married, buying houses, being in relationships, etc. and how they can’t see themselves doing that just yet. And I agree, I really can’t see myself being in that position anytime soon, so this song always cheers me up when I think might be missing out and become super jealous of my friends’ situation, I remember that I don’t actually want that and that’s okay – I’m still only young and have plenty of time for that.

Hope you enjoy it as much as I do 🙂

Not Quite Made Girl

x

London is a bad habit, one hates to lose – Willaim Sansom 

It seems the writing bug has re-inhabited itself within me and it is telling me to write about London – The city where I work and play. With a bit of a ranty side to it! 

I can’t make my mind up about this city. Sometimes I find myself in love with its history, architecture and atmosphere and then other times I find myself absolutely loathing it. I suppose that is very much like any city; they will always have their good points and their lows. 

London is a city full of history, attractions, pubs, theatre, and green parks. If you look one way in London, there are beautifully designed buildings and then look the other way and you are surrounded by greenery and deers in a park. The food and drink scene in London is buzzing and continuously evolving and growing. The theatre shows are award winning and memorable. There are endless places to indulge in numerous shopping sprees and the lights in Oxford Street are the tell-tale sign that Christmas is coming!  The amount of attractions available are immense, you have art galleries, museums, London Dungeons, aquariums, Tower Bridge, The Eye and the Shard where you can see across London and all that it has to offer. And my favourite part of London – you’re constantly surrounded by history. No matter where you go in London there will always be a piece of History in which to lose yourself in. 

Continue reading “London is a bad habit, one hates to lose – Willaim Sansom “

So, we’ll raise the stakes and show them that we’re different 

You caught me! I plead guilty. I have chosen yet another song from the ones that are State Champs. I have this skill where I can listen to the same band continuously for weeks and not get bored of it, so hence why there’s another song from them. I haven’t listened to anyone else this week except them. I will have to change it up as the whole reason I am getting to see them Saturday is because of Don Broco, so will have to refresh myself with them!

But for now here is Leave You In The Dark. 

Not Quite Made Girl

x

I’m in that state of mind Where I bottle everything inside my head And stare at the ground

Wow, it has been a while since I’ve ventured to this neck of the woods. Feels like I am in a room at a family reunion and not quite sure what to say to you all. Feels a bit awkward turtle in here. I know I keep having moments of being overly trigger happy on the typing front then I disappear into oblivion for a bit. I keep saying sorry for my lack of writing, but no one cares really, do they? And clearly I don’t mean my sorry because I keep doing it over and over, so sorry about that.

I wish I could say I have been absent for a good reason; that I have been happy, socialising, enjoying this thing that we call life. If I did say this, I would be lying. Not wholeheartedly lying but for the most part, I would be.

Life’s a funny old thing, isn’t it?  Life with mental health illness is even funnier. You never know quite how you feel. If you’re coming or going. If you want to smile or cry. If you want to love and be loved or be alone. If you want to live or die. There’s never a definite answer to those conflictions.

I just want to write. I want to get it all down. Out of my head. I want to try to make sense of some of these thoughts.

The last what, how long has it been since I last wrote? Month?  Month and a half? Well they have been a bit topsy turvey. Nothing significant has caused this to happen, I just don’t think I am handling things all that well and not really receiving much help when I do try to talk and ask for help.

I want to talk about my successes, because I have to at least have some positivism, right?

Where to start? There are actually a few good things that I have done, achieved and experienced.I have come out of my comfort zone, done things on my own that I never thought was possible and even dragged myself onto a plane and spent a weekend with extended family, when all I wanted to do was curl into a ball and not talk to anyone.

I went to my Best Friend’s wedding. On my own. And I only went and survived, didn’t I?! I got through it all, meeting her relatives the night before when I wasn’t expecting to see them, I went out to dinner with her and her family and I even managed to walk down the aisle with her and dance the night away on the dance floor! I was truly honoured to be so involved in my Best Friend’s wedding to the extent that I was but in all honesty I was stressing about it. I was dreading it at times, especially when I knew F wasn’t going to be there by my side for the whole day. I wouldn’t see his face across the room to reassure me I  was doing a good job, I wouldn’t have him there to dance with, to kiss, to celebrate true love with. I wouldn’t have him to go to bed with and enjoy the novelty of a hotel room. I don’t think anyone realised I would find it tough or that it was those little things that I would struggle with.

I was also fearing the amount of people. The conversations that I would have to make with people I hadn’t met before. Walking down the aisle before the Bride. How I was going to get there and how I was going to get back. How I was going to carry everything on my own. Whether I would fit into my dress or if I had binged too much so wouldn’t. Who would I spend the evening part of the ceremony with. What would I talk to people about?

I know these all sound so irrational to most people and a lot of  people out there wouldn’t even think these things before an event, but that’s what anxiety does. At times I get so angry at myself, because the anxiety is not only ruining it for me, but it affects other people. Leading up to the wedding, I just distanced myself from my Best Friend Bee, I felt I couldn’t talk to her because I didn’t want to distract her from the wedding. I had no one to talk to. But I don’t think I generally wanted to talk to anyone about it, because no one quite understands. They often just see it as acting irrational, and over thinking. Being dramatic. But it isn’t. They don’t feel the heart racing. Palms getting sweaty. The room starting to spin. The catch of breath. The obsessive thinking and overthinking of the situation, the outcomes, the possibilities. It’s a bizarre thing to face and no matter how much you try to tell yourself you’re being irrational and ridiculous, it doesn’t calm you down and doesn’t make it go away.

But, the event has passed, and I survived. I wish I hadn’t felt all that I did before the big day, but I did and I can’t take it back. I had a good time, got some good memories, and saw people I hadn’t seen since University. Conversation wasn’t always flowing and I wasn’t comfortable a lot of the time, but I did it. I got through it for my Best Friend and just seeing her as happy and as beautiful as she was, it was worth going to.

What’s the next thing that I have forced myself through?
Belfast.


I have always wanted to go to Belfast, More for the love of the accent of the people than anything else, but also because it is such a beautiful place. I finally got the chance to go and visit my cousin, who I haven’t seen in years with our Auntie for a quick weekend away. When I first booked this up, I was in a place where I wanted to keep myself busy and go on adventures, be sociable and be happy. The week leading up to the weekend, I felt low. I cried in work several times, I didn’t want to get up most mornings. I was struggling. I kept trying to think of ways to get out of going to Belfast. I didn’t want to see family. I was panicking about how I would feel around family I haven’t seen in a while. What conversation I would have. If I would have to talk about my job, which I was fully loathing at this point. If they would ask about my parents and how they were getting on. It was always awkward because years ago, my Uncle and my Mum fell out and we’ve never really spoken to him since or his family. The feud was between my Mum and Uncle, but I have a loyalty to my Mum and I felt guilty that I was going away for the weekend and spending it with her brother, who she despises. The only thing that I wasn’t worried about: was the flight. The thing that most people would panic about was the one thing I didn’t even care about.

It was obvious, I had no choice but to go.

The trip was very up and down for me, personally. At times I felt like I was doing okay, but other times, I just wanted to disappear off on my own and not have to talk or listen to others. That sounds incredibly selfish, and I apologise profusely for that. I am so grateful to my Auntie for suggesting the weekend away and to my cousin for organising things for us to do. It was great to see my Auntie and Uncle as well, and they really couldn’t have nicer or more welcoming and warm than they they were. I appreciated the beautiful city that was Belfast, but I just couldn’t shake that low, numbing feeling that kept cropping out. 
I will do a blog post on Belfast, because the history, the people and the place are just incredible and I am champing at the bit to return and see all that Belfast has to offer. I will talk briefly of one thing that really spurred an excitement in me that I hadn’t felt for a while. I witness a protest. A  protest in favour of pro-choice. Now, I have never done a protest, or felt passionate enough about anything to actually get involved in one. However, watching these people in huge groups peacefully marching along voicing their opinion, it made me really excited and warm and wanting to join in. I felt a spur of passion about a topic which I haven’t felt in ages. 

I did Belfast. I spoke with my family. I even had to stay an extra day with them all because of Storm Ophelia cancelling all the flights back home. I smiled, I laughed and I did have good points. I made it through. Got some good memories and witnessed many new things. I dragged myself so far out of my comfort zone: I made conversation, got myself out of bed, plastered a smile on my face, did things I didn’t want to do and I had a good time for the most part. I even traveled to the airport on my own on the way back and got through the journey as well. TBH I think I relished on doing the journey on my own, I felt independent and liked having time to myself after a very full on weekend being surrounded by people. 

Finally, the third thing that I count as a success, is me putting myself out there and meeting new people, doing new things and socialising. My October was a full packed month. I didn’t have one weekend to just relax and even during the week I was busy. But I wanted it to be that way. I wanted to be busy. I wanted new adventures. New people. New memories. But I guess there is only so long you can convince yourself you’re doing okay and that you are okay being surrounded by people and going out and doing things. This started of great. I loved going out. I went to a festival with someone new, I went to a show with another, I have been for cocktails, been cooked dinner, and even gone for a walk in Greenwich on a beautiful autumn day. I have made two people in particular who I have loved spending time with. Their conversations, their humor and their comfort really appealed to me and I was always so excited to go see them. I was seeing them every week and always had a laugh and came away smiling. Of course, I still had times on my own, when I would feel sad, alone and different. At times I regretted being as happy as I was and felt I didn’t deserve to be feeling that way. Other times my mind would wonder back to F, and the times we had together and the times we had planned for these next few months. Other times I just wanted to hide away, cut all communication and be on my own. I fought these feelings for the whole of October. I kept going out even when I didn’t want to and I am glad I did because I always had a good time. Yet, now I have sunk right back down. I have now cancelled three times on them and slowly reclining back into my shell. I know I shouldn’t. I know I should persevere and stick with this because I have been happy. I have laughed when I thought all I wanted to do was cry. I have met some really interesting people who have shown an interest. I just wish I felt more like I deserved to know them. That is deserved to have their friendship. That I deserved to be happy.

Please don’t misunderstand me, I am so grateful for my life and those that I have around me. I am grateful for the opportunities I have been given and those yet to come. I understand there’s a lot more hardship that others are suffering out there, and I am so thankful that I am fortunate enough to be who I am, where I live, Where I work and who I know, but no matter how much I try to remind myself and bring that to the forefront of my mind, I still just feel… how to put this politely… shit. I still, so much of the time find myself struggling to compute other thoughts that aren’t negative. I can’t help thinking at times that not to live would be a way to not feel the way I do anymore. I am tired of feeling so up and down. It’s exhausting. 

Not Quite Made Girl 

I’m just trying to find my place in this world

I am off to see Don Broco in a couple of weeks an I was looking up who their support acts were going to be. One of them is State Champs. An pop-punk band from New York. I had never heard of them before, but I am so glad I have given them a listen before being lucky enough to see them live. They are a great band, and the lead singers has an incredible voice – so much emotion and power. I have had their two albums on repeat all day, so safe to say I am becoming quite a fan. Here’s just one of their many songs, making an appearance on my Song of the Week: If I’m Lucky 

Not Quite Made Girl

x

Dear F, (8)

Thank you. Thank you for ending it with me. I mean it. I’m not bitter. I’m not hateful. In fact I’m joyous. Happy. Excited. I’ve never felt so positive about things and I owe that to you, so thank you. 

I haven’t felt like me in years. I don’t know when I stopped being me but it’s been far too long. The girl you were with when you was with me was only half the real me. The girl that was excited at times. The girl who was a bit eccentric. The girl who maybe laughed that little bit too loud. That was the real me. And my goodness has she resurfaced in the past month and a bit. 

I have done so much that I wouldn’t have done before; I’m meeting new people, I’m going to places I would never normally go, I’ve started following my dreams and likes, I’ve been sociable, I’ve been smiling and I’ve been laughing. I’m starting to see there’s so much more to life. 

I am growing in to myself at long last. I’m burning bridges with my past faster than I ever have before. What’s happened in the past is staying there now. I’m not allowing it to affect me in the present. I don’t deserve the unhappiness. The stress. The worry. And those around me don’t deserve to feel it either. I’m sorry you had to. 

I hope you’re doing well F. I hope you’re exploring new avenues, doing things you’ve wanted to do. Embracing your new home. I hope your happy. And I mean that.

You said to me not so long ago that we weren’t right together. And you were right. In this present day we really can’t be together. We’re not good for one another and I think we both have so much growing up to do. I’m not ready for a relationship. I don’t want the commitment. I don’t want the compromise. I’ve lived my life too much pleasing others and putting them before my own needs. But for the next few months I’m doing my own needs. Following my goals. Trying new things. Being free. Finally learning who I am. 

Just because we’re not right now, doesn’t mean I never loved you. I did so much. And still do, F. I still see a future with you down the long line. I still picture us married and taking the kids to see the O’s. I want all that still. But not now or a long, long time. You’re the only one I  saw that with. 

But F, here’s to having fun. Doing what we want, when we want and how we want. Here’s to us both being happy. 

This will be my last letter to you for a while. I’ve not got anything else to send you except my best wishes. I really wish you well bub. 

Until soon. 

Siggy x