You want a future and you want it now!

Now I really couldn’t decide on a song. I know I have already done one for this week but I thought seeming as I have been listening to Don Broco the last couple of days in preparation of seeing them tonight, I wanted to post one of theirs. Treat all your ears to a bit of their sound. (You can thank me later 😉 I’m joking, but hey, you never know, you may end up liking them!)

This was such a hard choice for me to just pick one song. There’s so many songs, that even when I’m doing something else whilst listening to music, will suddenly catch my attention and I’ll find myself singing along. There’s Hold on, Further, Priorities, Tough on you, Superlove and Nerve (tbh the list goes on and on) but I decided on keep on pushing. I chose this one because I really enjoy the lyrics, and feel very much in a similar position to the song. They talk about doing all the things that our friends are doing, such as getting married, buying houses, being in relationships, etc. and how they can’t see themselves doing that just yet. And I agree, I really can’t see myself being in that position anytime soon, so this song always cheers me up when I think might be missing out and become super jealous of my friends’ situation, I remember that I don’t actually want that and that’s okay – I’m still only young and have plenty of time for that.

Hope you enjoy it as much as I do 🙂

Not Quite Made Girl

x

Advertisements

London is a bad habit, one hates to lose – Willaim Sansom 

It seems the writing bug has re-inhabited itself within me and it is telling me to write about London – The city where I work and play. With a bit of a ranty side to it! 

I can’t make my mind up about this city. Sometimes I find myself in love with its history, architecture and atmosphere and then other times I find myself absolutely loathing it. I suppose that is very much like any city; they will always have their good points and their lows. 

London is a city full of history, attractions, pubs, theatre, and green parks. If you look one way in London, there are beautifully designed buildings and then look the other way and you are surrounded by greenery and deers in a park. The food and drink scene in London is buzzing and continuously evolving and growing. The theatre shows are award winning and memorable. There are endless places to indulge in numerous shopping sprees and the lights in Oxford Street are the tell-tale sign that Christmas is coming!  The amount of attractions available are immense, you have art galleries, museums, London Dungeons, aquariums, Tower Bridge, The Eye and the Shard where you can see across London and all that it has to offer. And my favourite part of London – you’re constantly surrounded by history. No matter where you go in London there will always be a piece of History in which to lose yourself in. 

Continue reading “London is a bad habit, one hates to lose – Willaim Sansom “

So, we’ll raise the stakes and show them that we’re different 

You caught me! I plead guilty. I have chosen yet another song from the ones that are State Champs. I have this skill where I can listen to the same band continuously for weeks and not get bored of it, so hence why there’s another song from them. I haven’t listened to anyone else this week except them. I will have to change it up as the whole reason I am getting to see them Saturday is because of Don Broco, so will have to refresh myself with them!

But for now here is Leave You In The Dark. 

Not Quite Made Girl

x

I’m in that state of mind Where I bottle everything inside my head And stare at the ground

Wow, it has been a while since I’ve ventured to this neck of the woods. Feels like I am in a room at a family reunion and not quite sure what to say to you all. Feels a bit awkward turtle in here. I know I keep having moments of being overly trigger happy on the typing front then I disappear into oblivion for a bit. I keep saying sorry for my lack of writing, but no one cares really, do they? And clearly I don’t mean my sorry because I keep doing it over and over, so sorry about that.

I wish I could say I have been absent for a good reason; that I have been happy, socialising, enjoying this thing that we call life. If I did say this, I would be lying. Not wholeheartedly lying but for the most part, I would be.

Life’s a funny old thing, isn’t it?  Life with mental health illness is even funnier. You never know quite how you feel. If you’re coming or going. If you want to smile or cry. If you want to love and be loved or be alone. If you want to live or die. There’s never a definite answer to those conflictions.

I just want to write. I want to get it all down. Out of my head. I want to try to make sense of some of these thoughts.

The last what, how long has it been since I last wrote? Month?  Month and a half? Well they have been a bit topsy turvey. Nothing significant has caused this to happen, I just don’t think I am handling things all that well and not really receiving much help when I do try to talk and ask for help.

I want to talk about my successes, because I have to at least have some positivism, right?

Where to start? There are actually a few good things that I have done, achieved and experienced.I have come out of my comfort zone, done things on my own that I never thought was possible and even dragged myself onto a plane and spent a weekend with extended family, when all I wanted to do was curl into a ball and not talk to anyone.

I went to my Best Friend’s wedding. On my own. And I only went and survived, didn’t I?! I got through it all, meeting her relatives the night before when I wasn’t expecting to see them, I went out to dinner with her and her family and I even managed to walk down the aisle with her and dance the night away on the dance floor! I was truly honoured to be so involved in my Best Friend’s wedding to the extent that I was but in all honesty I was stressing about it. I was dreading it at times, especially when I knew F wasn’t going to be there by my side for the whole day. I wouldn’t see his face across the room to reassure me I  was doing a good job, I wouldn’t have him there to dance with, to kiss, to celebrate true love with. I wouldn’t have him to go to bed with and enjoy the novelty of a hotel room. I don’t think anyone realised I would find it tough or that it was those little things that I would struggle with.

I was also fearing the amount of people. The conversations that I would have to make with people I hadn’t met before. Walking down the aisle before the Bride. How I was going to get there and how I was going to get back. How I was going to carry everything on my own. Whether I would fit into my dress or if I had binged too much so wouldn’t. Who would I spend the evening part of the ceremony with. What would I talk to people about?

I know these all sound so irrational to most people and a lot of  people out there wouldn’t even think these things before an event, but that’s what anxiety does. At times I get so angry at myself, because the anxiety is not only ruining it for me, but it affects other people. Leading up to the wedding, I just distanced myself from my Best Friend Bee, I felt I couldn’t talk to her because I didn’t want to distract her from the wedding. I had no one to talk to. But I don’t think I generally wanted to talk to anyone about it, because no one quite understands. They often just see it as acting irrational, and over thinking. Being dramatic. But it isn’t. They don’t feel the heart racing. Palms getting sweaty. The room starting to spin. The catch of breath. The obsessive thinking and overthinking of the situation, the outcomes, the possibilities. It’s a bizarre thing to face and no matter how much you try to tell yourself you’re being irrational and ridiculous, it doesn’t calm you down and doesn’t make it go away.

But, the event has passed, and I survived. I wish I hadn’t felt all that I did before the big day, but I did and I can’t take it back. I had a good time, got some good memories, and saw people I hadn’t seen since University. Conversation wasn’t always flowing and I wasn’t comfortable a lot of the time, but I did it. I got through it for my Best Friend and just seeing her as happy and as beautiful as she was, it was worth going to.

What’s the next thing that I have forced myself through?
Belfast.


I have always wanted to go to Belfast, More for the love of the accent of the people than anything else, but also because it is such a beautiful place. I finally got the chance to go and visit my cousin, who I haven’t seen in years with our Auntie for a quick weekend away. When I first booked this up, I was in a place where I wanted to keep myself busy and go on adventures, be sociable and be happy. The week leading up to the weekend, I felt low. I cried in work several times, I didn’t want to get up most mornings. I was struggling. I kept trying to think of ways to get out of going to Belfast. I didn’t want to see family. I was panicking about how I would feel around family I haven’t seen in a while. What conversation I would have. If I would have to talk about my job, which I was fully loathing at this point. If they would ask about my parents and how they were getting on. It was always awkward because years ago, my Uncle and my Mum fell out and we’ve never really spoken to him since or his family. The feud was between my Mum and Uncle, but I have a loyalty to my Mum and I felt guilty that I was going away for the weekend and spending it with her brother, who she despises. The only thing that I wasn’t worried about: was the flight. The thing that most people would panic about was the one thing I didn’t even care about.

It was obvious, I had no choice but to go.

The trip was very up and down for me, personally. At times I felt like I was doing okay, but other times, I just wanted to disappear off on my own and not have to talk or listen to others. That sounds incredibly selfish, and I apologise profusely for that. I am so grateful to my Auntie for suggesting the weekend away and to my cousin for organising things for us to do. It was great to see my Auntie and Uncle as well, and they really couldn’t have nicer or more welcoming and warm than they they were. I appreciated the beautiful city that was Belfast, but I just couldn’t shake that low, numbing feeling that kept cropping out. 
I will do a blog post on Belfast, because the history, the people and the place are just incredible and I am champing at the bit to return and see all that Belfast has to offer. I will talk briefly of one thing that really spurred an excitement in me that I hadn’t felt for a while. I witness a protest. A  protest in favour of pro-choice. Now, I have never done a protest, or felt passionate enough about anything to actually get involved in one. However, watching these people in huge groups peacefully marching along voicing their opinion, it made me really excited and warm and wanting to join in. I felt a spur of passion about a topic which I haven’t felt in ages. 

I did Belfast. I spoke with my family. I even had to stay an extra day with them all because of Storm Ophelia cancelling all the flights back home. I smiled, I laughed and I did have good points. I made it through. Got some good memories and witnessed many new things. I dragged myself so far out of my comfort zone: I made conversation, got myself out of bed, plastered a smile on my face, did things I didn’t want to do and I had a good time for the most part. I even traveled to the airport on my own on the way back and got through the journey as well. TBH I think I relished on doing the journey on my own, I felt independent and liked having time to myself after a very full on weekend being surrounded by people. 

Finally, the third thing that I count as a success, is me putting myself out there and meeting new people, doing new things and socialising. My October was a full packed month. I didn’t have one weekend to just relax and even during the week I was busy. But I wanted it to be that way. I wanted to be busy. I wanted new adventures. New people. New memories. But I guess there is only so long you can convince yourself you’re doing okay and that you are okay being surrounded by people and going out and doing things. This started of great. I loved going out. I went to a festival with someone new, I went to a show with another, I have been for cocktails, been cooked dinner, and even gone for a walk in Greenwich on a beautiful autumn day. I have made two people in particular who I have loved spending time with. Their conversations, their humor and their comfort really appealed to me and I was always so excited to go see them. I was seeing them every week and always had a laugh and came away smiling. Of course, I still had times on my own, when I would feel sad, alone and different. At times I regretted being as happy as I was and felt I didn’t deserve to be feeling that way. Other times my mind would wonder back to F, and the times we had together and the times we had planned for these next few months. Other times I just wanted to hide away, cut all communication and be on my own. I fought these feelings for the whole of October. I kept going out even when I didn’t want to and I am glad I did because I always had a good time. Yet, now I have sunk right back down. I have now cancelled three times on them and slowly reclining back into my shell. I know I shouldn’t. I know I should persevere and stick with this because I have been happy. I have laughed when I thought all I wanted to do was cry. I have met some really interesting people who have shown an interest. I just wish I felt more like I deserved to know them. That is deserved to have their friendship. That I deserved to be happy.

Please don’t misunderstand me, I am so grateful for my life and those that I have around me. I am grateful for the opportunities I have been given and those yet to come. I understand there’s a lot more hardship that others are suffering out there, and I am so thankful that I am fortunate enough to be who I am, where I live, Where I work and who I know, but no matter how much I try to remind myself and bring that to the forefront of my mind, I still just feel… how to put this politely… shit. I still, so much of the time find myself struggling to compute other thoughts that aren’t negative. I can’t help thinking at times that not to live would be a way to not feel the way I do anymore. I am tired of feeling so up and down. It’s exhausting. 

Not Quite Made Girl 

I’m just trying to find my place in this world

I am off to see Don Broco in a couple of weeks an I was looking up who their support acts were going to be. One of them is State Champs. An pop-punk band from New York. I had never heard of them before, but I am so glad I have given them a listen before being lucky enough to see them live. They are a great band, and the lead singers has an incredible voice – so much emotion and power. I have had their two albums on repeat all day, so safe to say I am becoming quite a fan. Here’s just one of their many songs, making an appearance on my Song of the Week: If I’m Lucky 

Not Quite Made Girl

x

Dear F, (8)

Thank you. Thank you for ending it with me. I mean it. I’m not bitter. I’m not hateful. In fact I’m joyous. Happy. Excited. I’ve never felt so positive about things and I owe that to you, so thank you. 

I haven’t felt like me in years. I don’t know when I stopped being me but it’s been far too long. The girl you were with when you was with me was only half the real me. The girl that was excited at times. The girl who was a bit eccentric. The girl who maybe laughed that little bit too loud. That was the real me. And my goodness has she resurfaced in the past month and a bit. 

I have done so much that I wouldn’t have done before; I’m meeting new people, I’m going to places I would never normally go, I’ve started following my dreams and likes, I’ve been sociable, I’ve been smiling and I’ve been laughing. I’m starting to see there’s so much more to life. 

I am growing in to myself at long last. I’m burning bridges with my past faster than I ever have before. What’s happened in the past is staying there now. I’m not allowing it to affect me in the present. I don’t deserve the unhappiness. The stress. The worry. And those around me don’t deserve to feel it either. I’m sorry you had to. 

I hope you’re doing well F. I hope you’re exploring new avenues, doing things you’ve wanted to do. Embracing your new home. I hope your happy. And I mean that.

You said to me not so long ago that we weren’t right together. And you were right. In this present day we really can’t be together. We’re not good for one another and I think we both have so much growing up to do. I’m not ready for a relationship. I don’t want the commitment. I don’t want the compromise. I’ve lived my life too much pleasing others and putting them before my own needs. But for the next few months I’m doing my own needs. Following my goals. Trying new things. Being free. Finally learning who I am. 

Just because we’re not right now, doesn’t mean I never loved you. I did so much. And still do, F. I still see a future with you down the long line. I still picture us married and taking the kids to see the O’s. I want all that still. But not now or a long, long time. You’re the only one I  saw that with. 

But F, here’s to having fun. Doing what we want, when we want and how we want. Here’s to us both being happy. 

This will be my last letter to you for a while. I’ve not got anything else to send you except my best wishes. I really wish you well bub. 

Until soon. 

Siggy x

I hope you like your pictures facing down

In honour of their 10th year anniversary of their album A lessons in Romantics, and that fact that I am off to that tour next week with the Bestie, I thought it appropriate to post one of the songs from that album: If you wanted a song written about you, all you had to do was ask. 

Such a long winded title but it’s a good song and one I remember singing to when I was 14. I have recently got back in to listening to this album. I mean it is always one I keep going back to but more so the past few weeks.
Why this song in particular? I don’t know, I was walking from the station the other night to my car, and for some reason my brain really started listening to this song in my headphones and listening intently to the lyrics more so than I did to the other songs on my journey home. Since then, I have been humming it non stop and keep listening to it so, now it’s your turn to give it a listen and get it stuck in your head!

Enjoy!

Not Quite Made Girl

x

Hit the reset, I’m starting again

I have returned! It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I apologise for that. There has been a serve lack of postings, whether it be Progress Updates, Dear F (YAWN!), Tunes or even Reviews. I am sorry, but worry no more, for I am back with a post. I’ll leave it up to you whether you think it is interesting or not.

So here’s my sorry excuse as to my lack of posts: I kind of lost all faith in my blog. I started to doubt my ability to write and how little my blog got read. Yes I boycotted Mad to Made Girl for a week before I told myself to snap out of it and stop being so self absorbed. I never started this blog with the intention for people to read it, I only ever wanted a place where I could write my thoughts and opinions without anyone really knowing who I was and without judgement. It was a space for me to rationalise my thoughts. To think things over. Anonymously. But how lucky am I, I have got followers, I have got people viewing it. It doesn’t matter that it might only be 2 or 3, that’s more than I ever expected and I am grateful for that. So with this kick up the bum to pull myself together, I am back here with a new post.  Continue reading “Hit the reset, I’m starting again”

Don’t be another empty vessel, free your mind

I am surprised I haven’t put Rationale as my tune of the week before now! I have seen him umpteen times and he never gets old. His voice, and his sincere love for his fans is enough to be a fan of him, but when he adds in his killer dance moves, you can’t help but fall for him and his music.

I have chosen this song in particular: Vessels because I love watching him perform this song live. The way he moves his body at the drop and change of the beat. The way he pitches his voice is incredible. I love the music, the whole feel of this song. It really is so unique.

 

Not Quite Made Girl

x

Progress Update 104

Well howdy there y’all! Have I got an update for you or what?! I was a bit ant in the pants ish all day yesterday, in anticipation of how my actions and decisions yesterday would affect how this progress update blog would go. It was going to be either all doom and gloom (I know, I know, I have had enough of the misery and the sadness too!) or everything is coming up roses kind of blog. And guess what it is… (drum roll please…) COMING UP ROSES! 🌹🌹🌹

giphy (2).gif
Source: http://gph.is/1hegH2I

Continue reading “Progress Update 104”