Do you ever feel that the universe just loves to mock you?
Well, maybe not the universe but technology and in particular apps. One of my apps, not pointing any fingers (yes I’m looking at you Dictionary app), decided that word of the day would be something that would run so ironically with me. And it decided to inform me of this word at 8 in the morning after a night of little to no sleep.
That word being: ataraxia
Definition: a state of freedom from emotional disturbance and anxiety; tranquility.
This app could not have chosen a less apt word for my word of the day. I mean the antonym words the dictionary had for ataraxia literally described my state of mind and the night of sleep I had. The main antonyms that jumped out at me were anxiety, upset, worry, turmoil and uneasiness.
I had such a tumultuous night of sleep. Normally sleeping with F by my side is so much more relaxing and calming and I normally manage to get more sleep than I do on my own (even if we don’t always go to bed early wink wink).
Last night my anxiety was rife. My worries were overcrowding my mind, stopping any attempt that sleep made to bring me ease and comfort. These worries picked at me all night. Putting images in my head. Thoughts and words of others. Creating scenarios in my head which would either never happen or taking real situations and twisting them. One of the many worries last night was F. He didn’t say I love you before we went to sleep because he was so tired. Any other normal person wouldn’t react perhaps wouldn’t even notice but oh no, my dear friend anxiety picked this up and sent alarm bells ringing. Why? Why? Why? It’s so infuriating. He says I love you plenty and the best thing is it is when I least expect it. He doesn’t have a routine for it and I couldn’t be more chuffed with that but last night, my anxiety took this as he didn’t want me anymore.
It then thought it would be funny, that whilst we were already worrying about F not loving me anymore it decided to throw in misconceptions on him meeting up with a lady friend the following evening. Oh the worry 😂 the images and thoughts the anxiety was creating. If this was GCSE English language it would definitely have received an A (which is far better than my actual result)!
These thoughts kept circling along with others of work, past times, events that evening and day, things I said, how I behaved in certain situations and even anticipating the drive the next morning, despite doing it multiple times. I, or should I say anxiety, still feels the need to over think it and imagine the worse happening.
The thing that’s infuriating the most is that the old me, the me without anxiety all those years ago didn’t care who people were friends with or who they were meeting. Especially in past relationships, I haven’t been concerned. Men and women are allowed to be friends. Hell I know this as I’ve always got on better with guys and still have close friends who are male to this day. This is why it’s so hard to compute. I trust F and I normally wouldn’t care who he was meeting but my brain is continuously thinking the worse, over worrying and over anticipating.
You can’t imagine the relief I felt when the alarm went off and it was time to get up. The dark abyss of the night had finally come to an end.
Normally I hate having to leave F’s bed and get up but today I couldn’t have jumped up sooner. F was so loving this morning and open and understanding that he eased my thoughts and anxiety for the journey of dropping him to the station. He said how beautiful I looked and he loved me. He’s invited me to the football Saturday and organised to meet up Friday.
In this moment I realised my anxiety was winning. It was beating me. Beating my want to get better. Pushing me away from those who love me. Hearing F say these things made me acknowledge that these thoughts and worries I had weren’t rational. There isn’t any evidence for them. They are constructed out of thin air. That I don’t need to worry. This gave me the drive to want to beat this even more, even if I have to do some parts alone.
So philosophical point reached! I feel that this word of the day actually rings a purpose with me. That’s the state I want to be at with myself. I want to be at ease and without anxiety all the time. I think in a way this word of the day came at the right time. It reminded me just why I’m doing this journey and no matter how tough it gets, or how alone you feel, or how on top of you things get, it will all be worth it to finally reach ataraxia.
So thank you Dictionary for reminding me just why I’m on this journey and for coming at a much needed time. And thanks to F for being my word of reason and encouraging me to beat this. I’m one very lucky girl.