I’m going to put this out there. I’m a big fan of Bring Me The Horizon. I have been a fan of theirs for as long as I can remember. I think from the age of 13 I’ve been listening to them. I have seen them perform multiple times at multiple venues throughout the years. I’ve never really related to any of their songs, I just like Oli Syke’s voice and the music.
However, at exactly the turn of Midnight, I was sat listening to my Spotify playlist when Avalanche starts to play. I’ve heard this song umpteen amount of times and I’ve listened to the lyrics but never really paid much attention to it. Yet, this night it grabbed me. I’ve now listened to it on repeat goodness how many times but I can’t draw myself away from it. For once, it relates to me. It says it how it is when you’re suffering from a mental illness.
I remembered that when the album That’s the Spirit was released Oli did a commentary for each track explaining its meaning. I managed to come across the one for Avalanche. Although Oli talks about it in the sense of being diagnosed with ADHD I think it sums up pretty well just how it is with any mental illness and when you’re trying to get across to someone what it’s like.
Cut me open and tell me what’s inside
Diagnose me cause I can’t keep wondering why
And no it’s not a phase cause it happens all the time
Start over, check again, now tell me what you find
Before I got diagnosed and I would come out of my ‘moods’, as I used to call them, I always wondered what caused me to have such highs and lows (God was I a b*tch in them! Sorry to those who dealt with me 😘). When I was in these moods I had no idea I was that bad in them. The second I was ‘me’ again, I realised the damage that I caused with these moods. I was pushing people away and continuously so low and I didn’t know why. I was getting frustrated with myself for causing this. Why did it make me push people I cared most about away? I was desperate, more for keeping my relationships, than for my own well being, to find out why I kept getting so low and anxious. I thought it was only obvious to me and I was over reacting. Yet when I saw it affecting my relationships and others were telling me something was wrong I was desperate to find out what. I wanted the doctor to find the issue. And in a way I’m still very much in this desperate stage. Not to be diagnosed, but cured because the wait is destroying me. The wait for my follow up appointment. The wait for therapy. The wait for the right dose of tablets. The wait for my insomnia to be cured. I can’t keep wondering why I feel like this and wondering when it will stop.
It’s like an avalanche
I feel myself go under
Cause the weight of it’s like hands around my neck
I never stood a chance
My heart is frozen over
And I feel like I am treading on thin ice
The avalanche. As Oli said in his commentary it’s like an avalanche when you suffer with mental illness because it builds up and up and things that may not phase others but does phase you get on top of you and take control and ultimately you feel lost.
It just continues to grow. The sadness. The anxiety. The emptiness. And it will silently build inside you until one day it just hits you out of the blue. Like an avalanche. The effect can be disastrous.
Am I broken? What’s the chance I will survive?
Don’t sugarcoat me, cause I feel like suicide
Just give it to me straight cause I’m running out of time
I need an antidote, now what can you prescribe
Before I was diagnosed, F would tell me that I might need to talk to someone because he noticed my lows far more than I did. At the beginning I was mortified that he thought something was mentally wrong with me. I believed I didn’t need help. The tablets. The therapy. I believed I was more than capable of dealing with any problems on my own.
But as it got worse and I started catching myself thinking thoughts I’d never thought before in such lows it shocked me into believing something maybe wasn’t right. I was worried what my life would come to. What I was capable of doing to myself. I wanted to be diagnosed so I could know the cure because the thought of living the way I was feeling and do still feel at times wasn’t a life I wanted. I didn’t care what I was diagnosed with. I just wanted the doctor to see that I wasn’t quite right and just cure me. I wanted her to be straight with me about what was wrong, because most of those around me were just telling me it was because I had a part time job instead of a full time one. This clearly wasn’t the problem because I had been having these lows for years.
I need a cure for me cause a square doesn’t fit the circle
Give me a remedy cause my head wasn’t wired for this world
I need a cure for me cause a square doesn’t fit the circle
Give me a remedy cause when it hits, well it hits like an avalanche
In a funny way my brain wasn’t wired for this world. By world I mean my bubble of a world, I.e. my family and friends. Whilst in the world mental health might be getting more widely acknowledged and accepted, in my world it still feels very much of a taboo. My brain wasn’t wired the way my parents wanted it to be. I haven’t behaved the way they thought I would. I haven’t achieved as much as they thought. Instead my brain has given me depression and anxiety. Much to their horror. What they don’t understand is that it feels very much like I’m the square and the world is the circle and I’m just not fitting in to it. I try but I just can’t. Not when I have such anxious thoughts. Not when my depression is so bad that I just collapse to the bathroom floor and just cry because I just don’t see the point anymore. However bad these thoughts get I do want to become that circle. I do want to fit into the circle hole. I want to be able to get on with life. I want that remedy because I can’t keep experiencing these avalanches in my brain.
I know it seems odd to relate to a song. But this is the first time I’ve really felt like someone has understood. Yes the illness is different but it can be used to explain any kind. It’s all in the brain. The chemicals. The make up. No one wants mental illness. But we all do want a cure and the first step to that is noticing the problem and seeking the help. Once you’ve done that the remedy won’t be too far off and the avalanches will be less frequent.
Not Quite Made Girl
P.s thought I’d liven it up with a few pictures from a couple of their gigs that I have been to over the years.
P.p.s oo it has been years since I’ve used p.p.s. only used to use it in letters to friends in school. But anyway I promise I’ll do a bit more light hearted stuff soon. Just not quite there at the moment. Thanks for bearing with 😘