Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain calm. I don’t want to alert anyone or set off any panic stations, but today, no, scrap that, this weekend was the first time in a long, long, time that I have felt happy.
Yes, I know, I almost fainted at the news too! And no, you didn’t read that wrong either, you read the word happy 😀. In all honesty I forgot what it was like to genuinely smile, have sore abs from laughing so much and a clicking jaw from where I’m smiling so much. But boys and girls, that was me all weekend. I experienced this happiness again. And what a welcome back it was.
There was just something about this weekend that was picture perfect. I felt I could let go of my anxiety, worries and depression for just a bit. I could block it out. Remember what it was like to be me, the happy, colourful girl again. Me and F seemed like us again. We were laughing with each other. Real laughter, real smiles, real happiness. We had jokes, silly moments and loving moments. I really felt F was in love with me again and could see that I was this happy girl and that this depression and anxiety wasn’t going to win. We even went shopping together. Now I know what you’re thinking, it’s only shopping but to me it wasn’t. I’m not a fan of going shopping. Food shopping yes, clothes and other bits and bobs shopping not so much. But F needed to get my Valentine’s Day present and I Just didn’t want to be left on my own at home so he let me join him (What a sweetie! 😘). We did go our separate ways for a bit but then we met up and walked around a couple of shops together. We tried clothes on in one shop. It was so naturally grown up and I actually enjoyed shopping with him.
I know that sounds bizarre. But it makes sense in my head. But then again we all know something isn’t quite wired right in my brain!
This weekend I also had a bit of a breakthrough with my parents. Me and F went and watched England beat Wales in the rugby at our local pub with my parents. I must admit, I was anxious about this. I hadn’t really spent much time with my parents since I was diagnosed and F isn’t a big fan of theirs because he sees the effect their behaviour has on me. I needn’t have worried, it went so well and I think my parents finally realised just how happy F makes me. They finally saw me smiling after so long.
There was one point that I was worried my anxiety and depression was arising quite strong. Saturday night I just couldn’t sleep. I was anxious. I had all sort of thoughts going round my head. I felt like I wanted to cry. But I stopped myself. I had no reason to feel this way. F was sleeping next to me. We had had a great day. I wasn’t going to let this thing beat me. I sucked it up and I came to write a blog for Mad Girl to Made Girl. And although it took a while to get to sleep and it was a restless night, I actually defeated the anxious thoughts going through my head. Anxiety & Depression 0 – Mad Girl 1.
I was worried that by Monday the effect would wear off but to my surprise I still felt okay. Not as great as at the weekend but I felt I could get up. I could go do my workout. I could go face the world today. I went shopping with my mum, and for the first time in a long time I actually enjoyed trying on clothes and even treated myself to a few. I felt close with my mum again. I think I have realised that she does love me, and I think she does want to help, she just doesn’t know how to. And that’s fine. There’s no exact way that she can help, but just her being there can help to an extent.
I do feel my mood slipping a bit this evening but I am determined to not let it get the better of me. I want to be bright and happy tomorrow when I see F for Valentine’s Day. I don’t want this anxious sick feeling to slip back in unannounced. I’m not letting her get in the way of my first Valentine’s Day with someone I love. That’s why I’m here. I felt if I wrote it down just how good this weekend had been I could encourage myself to be positive and try to beat these worries and thoughts that keep trying to break in.
I know I am still very early on my journey to successfully living a balanced life with my anxiety and depression but after this weekend I feel there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That I can be that happy, smiley, laughing girl again. That, in time, I will become Made Girl.
Not Quite Made Girl