Can you believe it has been three weeks since I was officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety?! And this baby From Mad Girl to Made Girl is two and a half weeks old! Where has the time gone!
I can’t hide the fact that I was anxiously counting down to this appointment. Three weeks after being given my diagnosis and being sent away to try new tablets and to sort out therapy, it was time for a follow-up. Another chance to inspect at how I was getting on.
As I am sure you can tell from a few of my posts, I have been struggling despite being on Fluoxetine. I was told they wouldn’t begin to work until about a week after taking them, so I wasn’t expecting miracles. But after three weeks and religiously taking them at the same time every day, I really don’t feel any sort of improvement.
If anything, my anxiety and depression has been just as bad. Although now, I am finding myself crying more publicly because I just can’t hold it back anymore. Throughout these three weeks, I don’t think there has been a day where I haven’t just wanted to give up. There wasn’t a single day where I was anxious free or didn’t have a low point. I know that’s not the point of the tablets. I know they aren’t miracle workers. But I was hoping it would ease it. Make it easier to get on with everyday life things. But it hasn’t.
I struggle so much to get out of bed most days. I am not sleeping until gone 4 in the morning and even when I do drop off I am up throughout the night. The second I wake up my mind is already anxiously overthinking situations. I can’t even pinpoint what it is worrying about half the time. It just fills me with a sense of dread and fear. A fear I can’t shake off. I’ve broken down into tears most days in my bedroom because I just can’t cope feeling like this all the time. I’m not living. I’m literally a living, breathing being with no life in her at times.
Work has been great about my situation. There’s no pressure on me when I return and my manager has been so understanding. I’ve been offered to work any day I want, work days where they know they’ll be busy so there’s things that I can be doing and be kept busy. I can go back to just working one day until I settle back in. They’ve honestly been great and they believe that me going back to work will help me. Preoccupy me.
However, it isn’t as simple as that. It doesn’t matter if; I am sat on my own, In a room full of a people, with my favourite person, busily distracted by the hustle and bustle of everyday life, at a gig watching my favourite artist or simply watching TV, I will still feel the anxiety swirling around my head. I will still feel that sick lump in my throat. The churning of my stomach. The sweaty palms. The overwhelming emotion. The sadness. The emptiness. It will still be there, no matter what I am doing. Just being on my own it is easier to release and show.
I used to plaster a big smile across my face and get on with things but the past weeks have been more difficult than normal. I think it is becoming more and more difficult to hide from F because he knows me best. He knows when something isn’t quite right. And I don’t want to keep hiding it from him. He wants me to be honest and open with him about how I’m feeling. He’d rather I told him then not. By not telling him or speaking to him about it I was effectively pushing him away. But when I am with F, it is easier, to not exactly forget about my anxiety, because I still get the thoughts rush over me when I am with him, but I remember what it is to laugh and to smile and generally mean it. He makes me smile from ear to ear when a few seconds earlier all I wanted to do is cry. I’ve started showing the other side of me more to him. A couple of Sunday’s ago, we were getting ready to go to the cinema and we were up in his room and he looked at me, gave me a hug and asked if I was okay. I just cried. I don’t know why. I don’t know why I felt so damn low. I had had a great weekend with F. Only hours earlier were we both collapsed on the floor in a heap laughing after a tickle fight. It just comes on so sudden. The sadness is like a thick fog that comes down quick and settles and blinds your view to everything else around you – no matter how bright they shine.
So after these experiences I have become even more worried about going back to work. Even more worried about this follow-up appointment. I didn’t want to have to sit there and tell this doctor that I wasn’t feeling any better. But I knew I had to. I also felt I really had to tell her it was affecting my sleep to the point where a couple of nights I have literally had less than an hour of full sleep (Hello bags under my eyes. They’re not even designer 😉). It can’t be helping how I am feeling anyway.
So I bit the bullet and told her. And to my surprise she was so understanding. The look of care and concern on her face was genuine. She wanted to help. She asked if I had spoken to IAPT yet and was shocked that I was told I had to wait 6 – 8 weeks and she gave me another number to ring and tell them that I really needed the therapy immediately.
My dosage of Fluoxetine has been upped. My sick leave has been extended and I have also been prescribed Zolpidem (a sleeping tablet) for the next 8 days to help me get back a pattern of sleep.
I am one of these people who read the whole instruction leaflet that comes with each medicine, and after reading the one for the Zolpidem I am a bit worried about taking it especially as it says if it is taken with Fluoxetine then hallucinations are possible. Like that’s all I need haha! The side effects are scary. It even suggests that people previously have sleep driven and sleep walked! And those on antidepressants are more at risk of doing this. I suppose most medicines come with side effects but I have never been so hesitant to take a tablet in my life. I will try it for a few days. I won’t be driving as even though it says you should be okay after 8 hours of sleep, I don’t want to risk it. I’ll give you an update if I have any hallucinations or weird happenings in the next few days. Lucky me hey!
Hope you all had a smashing Valentine’s Day. I shall post a blog tomorrow about my Valentine’s Day 🙂
Not Quite Made Girl