Wait for me!

Ever get the feeling that everyone else around you is in drive mode and speeding in the fast lane yet you’re still stuck in park or maybe even reverse? Yeah, me too!

When I was younger I had a plan. I think most people do have a plan on how they want their life to turn out. I had the idea that I would be moved out, living on my own straight out of University, working in a job in the city and in a steady, long term relationship by the time I reached this ripe old age of early 20’s. But life doesn’t go to plan. It always has to throw a curve ball in here or there to shake things up a bit, especially if we feel we’re on our way to achieving our goals.

Where am I currently? I am most certainly not on track, no where near. I still live at home, I don’t have a big fancy job in the city, and I have anxiety and depression. I know, I know it could be worse, I know that, but for me, I have always been quite a goal driven achiever and right now I feel like a failure. I feel like I am failing at this thing we call life. There isn’t a right or a wrong way to live life or get through it but we all have our ideals and I am not achieving that. At times I feel like my life is going backwards instead of forwards and it’s so infuriating.

It’s even harder when those around you are moving so fast and achieving so much. Of course I am happy for them, how could I not be?! But each time I hear their good news it is a hard hitting reminder that I’m not where I want to be. Not even close.

Childhood friends are in long term relationships, moved in with their other halves, in a stable, well paid job and living independently. Socialising most weekends. Doing exciting things with new people.
Friends from university are getting engaged and two are getting married this year to their teenage sweethearts.
My brother has bought a property and sold it, moved jobs twice which were both well paid, has a bunch of mates and now lives with his girlfriend just outside the city.
My boyfriend he is looking at buying a flat. Has an incredible job with great work colleagues and also keeps in close touch with university mates and his old sports team.

Don’t get me wrong, I am so so happy for them all. I really am. I love seeing those I care about happy and achieving their dreams, cause hell they’ve bloody earned it and truly deserve it.

I was on the right path. I had my goals set out. They seemed within reaching distance. But I lost sight of them. Life had other plans. I did okay at school until sixth form which is where my goals started to fade. I didn’t get the grades I wanted and didn’t get my first choice University. However, I ended up loving my second choice university and did thrive there especially in the first year. I think I just chose the wrong degree. I think when it comes to picking GCSE’s, A levels and University, we are all so young, do we all know what we truly want to do for the rest of our lives at the age of 14 when the selection process begins? I certainly didn’t. I didn’t know half the jobs out there. You only know the bog standard: Lawyer, banker, teacher, vet, doctor etc.
In a way I panicked about what to do at university. My parents were desperate for me to be a lawyer but I knew I didn’t want to be that, so languages was their second choice because apparently I had a flare for them. I thought I did but I really don’t and it wasn’t something I wanted to go into. Unfortunately it wasn’t until my second year at University, that I realised that I wanted to go in to marketing and after a bit of work experience in that summer, I was even open to the idea of events.

By this point it was too late to change my degree. But I had the belief that knowing a language would be beneficial especially in the business world where it is global. Yes a language is useful, but French, not so much. Companies mostly want Spanish or Arabic neither of which I have a degree in. Great.

I applied and applied in my final year for a graduate job within marketing/events/buying. I was so unsuccessful. The psychometric tests was always the first hurdle that I fell down on. Why couldn’t these jobs just have the normal interview process like back in the old days? Why does it matter how quick we can answer a maths question or a verbal reasoning one? Apparently it matters greatly.

So, no graduate job for me, and moving back home was the only option left. I kept applying for jobs but nothing. I ended up getting my seasonal work at where I am now which then turned into a permanent contract. I’m grateful I have a job but it is nowhere near enough money to live on each week, let alone move out on. So I’m still no closer to moving out. Even further from it now after being put on sick leave. I don’t get sick pay because my contract isn’t enough hours a week, so two months out of work and no pay, I’m not in a great position.

I just constantly feel like a failure. That I’m not getting anywhere. That I am so far behind everyone else. But maybe we shouldn’t compare ourselves to others so much? Maybe we should just focus on ourselves and trying to achieve what we want no matter how long it takes in comparison to everyone else. We all move at our own pace and all have our own issues to deal with that it isn’t easy to compare our lives to others, yet that’s how we gauge how well and successful our lives are. Is there not another scale to measure life’s success on?

Not Quite Made Girl




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