For those that live in the city or often travel on trains the title of this blog will sound all too familiar. That voice that comes over the speakers as you approach the final stop and says: This is where this train terminates, all change please.
Now this post has nothing to do with trains but it does have something to do with change. Although I am not a train nor am I the end station, I feel like with so much change going on around I am constantly having to change trains to try and keep up and reach my destination whilst keeping up with those around me. Bit of a weird comparison. But like train journeys, life is full of twists and turns and sometimes we have to get off before we reach the end of our journey yet others around us have reached theirs. (I’m mad I know, hence the name but it makes so much sense in my head!)
This post is expanding more on my post titled Wait for me! I feel more than ever that everything around me is just changing in a flash. I thought I was an individual who dealt well with change but I think as my anxiety has got worse over the years, I now dread any sort of change no matter how small it is. I will think that only the worse possibility will come out of the change.
My anxiety has been dominating this week. Which in turn has heightened my depression. I am constantly panicking about things. Imagining things which aren’t actually happening. My sleeping tablets can’t even help me get to sleep. I still toss and turn until the early hours and then waking up gasping for breath at every hour.
The reason for this? I feel inferior to everyone else. This past month a lot of change has happened around me and it seems to be too much change at once. None of it was expected and has often come to me as a surprise.
I don’t think it is so much the actions of those around me that is setting my anxiety off but more the idea that it isn’t me celebrating good news. It isn’t me moving along the path of life. It isn’t me who has something new to experience. The newest thing I get to experience is my first therapy session this week, and compared to moving in with a partner or buying your own property, getting a promotion or going on fancy hotel trips or even getting married this isn’t exactly the same kind of excitement.
With all this change taking place around me it has made me realise a few things. I know more than ever what I do want out of life.Unfortunately it doesn’t just rely on what I want. It also has to do with the one person who I consider my world, F. The last week or so I have felt that maybe I am far more invested in us than F may be. F hasn’t given me any reason really to believe this but it is just the small things mixed with my anxiety that is making me think maybe I want more out of us than he does.
He’s a few years older than me so a lot more confident on his path of life. He knows what he wants and he is within reaching distance of it. He has earned all that he has got. And the latest thing he wants, is to buy a flat. What a goal to have! I am so proud of him for wanting to do that and actually having it as a real possibility of being achieved. He truly deserves it and I will be there supporting him and smiling for his happiness all the way through the process.
But I can’t stop this nagging thought at the back of my head. I can’t help comparing us to those around me. One of my friends moved in with her boyfriend after 6 months of dating. My brother and his girlfriend moved in together after a few months. It seems those around me in relationships seem to know what they both want and expect from their relationship. Yes, I did think at first they were moving fast. I mean it had only been 6 months and they were renting a place together, but now I am in a similar position I can see why they did it. You just know. You know when the time is right no matter how many months it has been or whether it is the proper protocol.
Now I don’t want to come across clingy. Okay I know I am coming across clingy and needy. I promise that isn’t normally what I am like in relationships. Like I have said previously I have never really loved anyone the way I love F. I haven’t imagined a future with someone before. So maybe I am a bit full on. I know I am still young and still have years ahead of me before there’s a need to move in with each other and progress the relationship. Yet time scares me. You don’t know what comes with time. What changes come with it. How situations change in a heartbeat. This scares me. And I am scared that time will cause me to lose F. Stupidly in my head I believe at least talking about moving in together down the line is security for us. A certainty that we will be together for hopefully a long time.
It all sounds crazy what I am typing but I can’t help it.
The thing that shocked me the most about the whole buying a flat situation with F was that for almost a year he said there was no hurry to start looking again for another property (his other property fell through a year ago just as I met him). Yet, a couple of weeks ago, his Dad mentioned some flats for sale in front of me to him and then last week I suddenly get told he has booked an appointment with a mortgage adviser at an Estate Agents for a property they are selling. It was all so sudden. I had no idea that he was searching for property. Not a clue. I feel so naive.
F has been talking non stop about the flat. He even took me to the area last weekend to have a look at the outside of it and wander round its local town. I know he is excited and I really want to be excited for him. But I am scared of the change. I am scared him moving out and living on his own will change things. That he will want that bachelor pad.
I have to keep saying that F has done nothing to cause me to believe this. It is just my anxiety taking over. F has been so animated and trying to get me involved with the whole process. He took me to view the property with him one afternoon last week and then again at the weekend at another property on the same block. He keeps saying it is ideally located so he can take me out etc. I don’t know why I can’t just be excited about it with him. Why can’t I think that we will finally have a place where we are alone and don’t have to worry about making noise or being in by certain times and leaving things in certain places. It will be F’s own place to do as he pleases. Why can’t I be happy about it?! Why do I have to have this niggling feeling in my head which is stopping me from enjoying this moment with F?
I feel that F’s train journey has reached its destination in that he is able to buy himself a flat which in turns means moving out of his parents and living on his own. Yet, I don’t feel that this was meant to be where my train terminated. Instead it is has to be. My train has stopped and I have to get off. I have to be okay with this decision because there is no other destination. Yes I would have liked for me and F to have at least discussed the future with each other, the idea of moving in and getting a place down the line but there has been no conversation. I think that is why all this has been such a shock. He has made this decision solely himself and that’s fine. I’ve only been his girlfriend not quite a year but he has gone from telling me he thought I could be the one to not even discussing buying a flat himself with me. Does he even see a future with me? Does he want the same thing as me down the line? Only he knows.
Not Quite Made Girl