This post is much needed. I have too many thoughts and questions running around my head that I just need to write them down as if I am actually speaking with who it concerns.
Where are we? What are we? What does the future hold and what do I mean to you?
Since the big change of you getting your own place I’ve thought of nothing but where do I stand with you? See I’m not quite sure. I’m not sure what you want from us. What you see me as some of the time.
I’ve sat here and worn my heart on my sleeve. Especially recently. I’ve shared so much with you. I’ve told you about what my blog posts are about. You’ve seen me at my lowest. You’ve heard my biggest fears. And you’ve heard where I want to be in ten years.
Yet I feel I don’t know what you think. Deep down. What you feel and want. Where do you want to be in 10 years? Do you see me by your side?
You’ve been nothing but loving and caring these past months and I don’t doubt that you don’t love me. But are you as invested in us as I am? Do we want the same things?
When do these conversations normally happen in a relationship? When do you decide to discuss what your future holds and what you expect and want from each other?
I’m not asking for a full act of commitment I just want to have the talk. I want to know that we both want the same thing. That we both have a similar goal in mind. I’m so worried about investing my all in us and ending up heartbroken. I have loved you like no other. I have imagined a future with you that I haven’t with anyone else. You give me hope. And you make me happy. So happy. I know it doesn’t seem it as of late with my depression and anxiety. But when I’m with you, I feel I can get through it and that you bring me such comfort and security.
I just need a little bit of reassurance every now and then. I know you do your best. I know you think you’re always showing and telling me how much I mean to you but my anxiety makes me doubt it. I doubt it for the silliest of reasons. I convince myself of things that aren’t true. I convince myself at times that you only are with me because you feel you have to help me get through what I’m going through. I know you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t love me. I know that. But there’s always a nagging voice in my head. My anxiety causing the doubt. Telling me I don’t deserve you. That someone better will come along and turn your eye and win your heart.
I am scared of losing you. I couldn’t imagine life without you now. You’ve had such an impact on me and it has always been for the better. I’m scared of facing a future without you by my side. I just need to know you want it as much as I do.
I love you more than words can express.