I was reading an article recently that boldly stated you fall in love with three people in your lifetime and each person is for a specific reason.
I first read it and I thought it was a load of codswallop but the more I read in detail and the more I thought about it, it actually does ring true.
The first love: the idealistic love.
They say this first love often takes place when we are in our teenage years. We often enter this relationship believing that it is the fairytale that we all hope for: The idealistic, perfect love that will last forever. We believe this person is our one true love even if there are cracks in the relationship or doesn’t feel quite right. We persist to follow it because it is what we believe love is supposed to be.
It is often the love that looks right but isn’t necessarily right for us. It is the love that we believe society expects of us and how others view us is more important than how we feel.
The second love: the hard love
As the name suggests this is the type of love that gives us tough lessons about who we are and how we want to be loved. It’s the love that causes us the most pain. It is an unhealthy cycle. An unbalanced, manipulative and high drama relationship which contains emotional, mental or even physical abuse. We keep going back to this relationship because we keep thinking that it will be different from the previous time. Yet it isn’t and it doesn’t end differently each time. If anything it ends up worse than before.
We keep going back because we expect it to get better. We stay for the memories of the good times, the highs. We stick with the lows because we believe it is just a stage and it will get better. We become obsessed with making this relationship work that we often ignore the fact of if it should actually work and it is actually what we want.
It is the love we wished was perfect.
The third love: the one we never see coming
Some articles claimed that it was the love that looked all wrong for us and didn’t fit our ideals of what love is supposed to be. It comes almost too easy and it takes us aback because we weren’t expecting to find it.
The love with this person is just natural. You just fit with one another.There’s no pressure to be what you’re not. There’s no expectation on how we think each other should act or be. There is just a natural connection. You accept each other just the way you are. And this is what takes us aback. We’ve never had that one person who accepts us for us or doesn’t expect us to be a certain way.
This love may not be how we imagined love to be and it sure doesn’t follow the rules that we’ve come to know when it comes to love. But instead of disappointment at realising this is the love we didn’t imagine, it shows that love doesn’t have to be how we imagined it for it to be real.
It’s the one that just feels right.
My Three Loves.
As soon as I read one of the many articles on the theory of three Loves, I knew almost straight away who my second love was and who my third love is. It took me a while to recall my first love. Simply because it was during my final school years and I’ve blanked most of those years out of my brain.
I’m not going to start in numeral order. I’m defying the protocol of following lists and going by my own numbering system instead. What a rebel.
So number 2. What a tumultuous, turbulent and long winded relationship. Looking back I used to think the whole relationship and the months we kept trying were a waste of my time and love and wore me down as a person. But after the insight of this theory I think it actually taught me a lot. It taught me what I would put up with as a person. It taught me that when I love something I will fight for it no matter how much damage it is doing to me. But most importantly it taught me how I wanted to be loved. And I wasn’t being loved the right way in this relationship.
It was a very unhealthy relationship. It didn’t even really start off on the right foot. It was unhealthy and failing from the start. But at the time you get blinded by the excitement of a new love. You start creating good times and happy memories with this person and before you know it you’re in too deep. The drama and the manipulation starts. The bad times start happening. The good times come rarely. Instead you’re arguing all the time, calling each other names. Being spiteful. The hurt you cause one another through your words and actions. Yet, no matter how bad they make you feel, at the end of the day you would remember the happy memories and believe that this was all just a glitch. That you would get over it. That you would be able to be happy with this person again. We believe that things will change.
I kept running back to this relationship over a period of four years. It wasn’t healthy. It was full of manipulation, false hope and misery. Neither of us were truly happy with the situation but we both had the mutual belief that it was meant to be and we wanted it to be the perfect love. So we did keep going back to one another because we thought it would change.
I suppose at the time I did want this love to be the perfect love. But looking back it really wasn’t. No amount of good memories and happy times and belief could make me run back to that. Not now and not ever. Instead of the happy memories clogging my brain, I now remember how cutting his words were, how is actions affected me and how miserable I became. How broken. I was like a lapdog. I would go to him every beck and call, even if I thought it wasn’t right, I would convince myself it would work. I ignored the fact that it wasn’t meant to be at all despite everyone around me telling me it wasn’t doing me any good. It was an unhealthy, unbalanced relationship. And it never became the perfect love. But it taught me so much. Taught me what I value, what I respect, how much tolerance I will have, how I want to be loved and how to treat others despite how they treat you. It taught me that love isn’t forever and no matter how good things seem, sometimes they just don’t work out. But it also gave me hope. That I would find love now I knew how I wanted to be loved.
My first love. I really thought it was the real deal. I thought it could be The fairytale romance that we often read about. As the articles suggested it did happen in my late teenage years. I was 18. I met him through a mutual friend. It was a pretty fast moving relationship. I behaved in a way with him I hadn’t before.
He made me feel loved. He made me feel wanted. We often met up with each other. I remember one summer’s day just sitting in a park, under a tree and just talking the afternoon away. It had the image of being the idealistic and perfect love.
We had our niggles don’t get me wrong, but it was what I thought love was supposed to be like. We laughed with each other. Went on adventures together. I even stopped being a vegetarian with him. We went to a festival and that was it. That was the end of our love. It took me a while to mend my heart after you. It took me a while to believe in love again. I thought our relationship was the real deal. Everyone said we were good together. That it was obvious we liked one another a great deal.
But maybe, looking back there were cracks. We just plastered over them because I wanted to believe it was the fairytale romance. I wanted to believe it was perfect. But I don’t think we wouldn’t have lasted even if you hadn’t cheated because looking back we weren’t right together and it didn’t feel right. And it wasn’t what love should be. You gave me my first love and I’m grateful for that but I’m also glad you went astray and broke my heart because you let me find my other loves.
My third love. Well I believe this is my current love. It came in the form of F. It was the love that defied the rules and laws. We didn’t meet in the typically romantic way nor was I expecting it. Yes, I was on Tinder but not actively and I never believed I would find love.
This love definitely didn’t fit with my ideals of what love is supposed to be. I didn’t believe that you should go looking for love online by using dating apps. I didn’t believe it was true love that you found online. I always believed that love would find you. You would one day just have your prince charming walk into your life whether out for a coffee, a drink or a night out with the girls. But this love with F definitely defied all these rules of what love is supposed to be and I am so pleased it did. I used to be ashamed to say we met on Tinder because it wasn’t conventional or traditional but now I say it with pride and love. I found the love of my life, my third and final love through a dating app and I feel so lucky to have found that. If it wasn’t for Tinder I wouldn’t have met F and wouldn’t have experienced love.
From the moment we met to this very day, me and F just fitted together. We were so natural with one another. I think we just had a natural connection. We didn’t expect a lot of each other nor have any expectations of what we wanted from one another. This allowed us to each show who we really were to one another and because there were no expectations there was no disappointment. We just accepted each other for the way we were. And as these articles claimed it really does take us aback when someone just accepts us. Has no expectations of us. Loves us and accepts us for who we are despite our many flaws. F accepted me and loved me always straight away for who I was. He continued to love me despite my moods and my highs and lows before I was diagnosed. He accepted it as being a part of me. He didn’t know I suffered with depression and anxiety yet he accepted it and took it on as his own. Even when I was finally diagnosed it changed nothing between us. He still wanted to be with me. He still accepted me for me. He wanted me by his side and he wanted to be by my side because he loved me.
Our love hasn’t really gone by the rule book. It has been full of ups and downs and battles that we didn’t imagine we would have to face. It hasn’t been straightforward or easy at times and isn’t how I imagined love to be. But instead of disappointment in it not being the picture perfect rule following love, like the articles said, it has shown me that despite what I imagined love to be, it doesn’t have to fit that mould to be real. What me and F have is not like I imagined love to be, but it is everything and so much more and what I believe real love to be.
It honestly is the love that no matter what we go through just feels right.
Everyone’s love story is different and maybe we don’t all experience the three loves. I know many of my friends have fallen in love with their first love when they were teenagers and are still together 10 or so years later. They’re planning their weddings and their futures with the one person that they have ever loved.
I used to envy them and that they had experienced love at such a young age and made it last. They only had that one love. The picture perfect love.
But I don’t anymore. Not after reading these articles. I believe that each love has taught me so much about myself and how I need to be loved. I used to believe at the end of each relationship that there was something wrong with me. That I didn’t deserved to be loved. I started to believe that I would never find love or know what it was like to be truly loved. But it wasn’t necessarily what I was doing. I just had to experience a number of loves before the one that felt right came along. I had to experience the heartbreak of the first, the drama and turmoil of the second, to prepare myself for the the one I didn’t see coming. The one that makes me realise why the others never worked out before. The one that I believe will last. The one that is filled with comfort and love. The one that just naturally fits together. I didn’t mean to find this third love nor did I expect to, but I am so glad that the first two taught me what they did and ended so I could find my third love.