This post couldn’t have come at a more appropriate time. I have been having plenty of dreams recently and in all honesty they haven’t been pleasant ones at all. More like nightmares. But I do have a recurring dream. And I have it for almost a year now. I think I know why I dream it and it is one of my biggest fears come true in the dream. I forgot to mention in Day 8: My Fears. I have this deathly fear of my teeth falling out. It all started when my binges and purging became quite bad a year ago. You’d always read online that purging would damage your teeth and risk you getting gum disease and causing your teeth to rot and fall out because of the acid. Despite the amount of times I read this and how much I feared my teeth falling out it didn’t stop me. I still carried it on. But I think my fear of losing teeth developed way before I started that. As a kid I always one of those kids who hated having wobbly teeth. I couldn’t understand why other children in my class would get so excited about having wobbly teeth and go around the class showing everyone just how wobbly the tooth was by pushing their tongue against it continuously.
As a child I remember vividly one of my teeth becoming wobbly. I was in a bit of a bad mood and having a bit of a temper tantrum and I bit down on a tea towel and next thing I know one of my bottom teeth are wobbly. I cried my eyes out. It was only a milk tooth so it was meant to come out but the fear I felt. I was horrified. I think it has scarred me to the present day!
So yes, I have a fear of my teeth getting wobbly and falling out. And so of course, having it as a fear when I am awake isn’t enough, my subconscious feels the need to keep reminding me of it when I am asleep.
The dream is always the same, the place in the background may change and the people I am with, but the main part always stays the same. It is always a close up of face and mouth and the sensation of teeth cracking and becoming wobbly. (I am feeling queasy just writing it down! I am filled with such dread!) You can feel each tooth getting more and more wobbly. You can feel it twisting in your mouth. Getting sharper as the root comes away from the gum. The tooth starts to crumble and ends up falling out in pieces. The pieces fall into the palm of my hand. They have become black at the root and look so damaged. As soon as one starts falling out they others start to fall in succession. Each one you can feel. The crack, the crumble, the bitter taster of blood from the gums. Watching each one land in the palm of your hand as you feel more and more gaps appearing in your mouth.
It feels so real. At times I don’t realise I am dreaming and I am adamant it is true. The fear. The panic I feel. Thanks to such dread my body wakes me up before I lose all my teeth. It is always the same teeth that fall out. The two incisors placed either side of the top two front teeth, a couple of my molars and the odd one or two down on the bottom row.
I get this dream at least two or three times a month if not more. Maybe that’s a sign I need to change my diet and start changing my ways. And I will. I will do anything to stop this dream keep recurring.
Day 12: Complete
Not Quite Made Girl
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