I have a lot of regrets. Probably too many regrets for someone my age.
None of them are major regrets but there’s so many smaller ones that they soon add up.
I have silly regrets like regretting the choice of school I made for sixth form, the university degree I chose, the time I have wasted with people who didn’t actually care about.
I think my biggest regret is not realising I had something wrong with me sooner. I regret letting myself feel so low and sick. Regret things I have said and done whilst feeling low. I regret getting into the habit of binge eating and purging. I regret the hurtful things I have said to people when I have felt irritable and low. I regret not sorting out my anxiety when it got bad over a year ago because then I might still have friends that would want to go out with me and I still might have a bit of a social life. I regret becoming such a recluse and always declining invites out a year ago.
Most recently I regret my doubt in F. I have become so harsh on F the past few weeks. I have doubted everything he has done. Second guessing every action he does. Convinced he is interested in another. That when he moves out he is going to have a bachelor pad and that’ll be the end of us. I regret not trusting him. I regret letting my anxiety get in the way of us. I regret ruining such beautiful days that we have together by always letting my anxiety take over and confront and blame F for anything and everything. I regret not believing and trusting that F loves me. I regret getting anxiety and depression and letting it go on so long undiagnosed. I regret not asking for help sooner. I regret that it was up to F to convince me that something wasn’t right and that I needed help. I regret that F had to see that to me.
I regret all the opportunities I have missed out on or ruined simply because I have not been in the mood or my anxiety has beaten me. I regret never seeing the positive in anything. I regret being so negative. Such a Debbie Downer.
I regret who I have become.
Day 13: Complete
Not Quite Made Girl
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