Day 13: Your biggest regret

I have a lot of regrets. Probably too many regrets for someone my age.
None of them are major regrets but there’s so many smaller ones that they soon add up.

I have silly regrets like regretting the choice of school I made for sixth form, the university degree I chose, the time I have wasted with people who didn’t actually care about.

I think my biggest regret is not realising I had something wrong with me sooner. I regret letting myself feel so low and sick. Regret things I have said and done whilst feeling low. I regret getting into the habit of binge eating and purging. I regret the hurtful things I have said to people when I have felt irritable and low. I regret not sorting out my anxiety when it got bad over a year ago because then I might still have friends that would want to go out with me and I still might have a bit of a social life. I regret becoming such a recluse and always declining invites out a year ago.
Most recently I regret my doubt in F. I have become so harsh on F the past few weeks. I have doubted everything he has done. Second guessing every action he does. Convinced he is interested in another. That when he moves out he is going to have a bachelor pad and that’ll be the end of us. I regret not trusting him. I regret letting my anxiety get in the way of us. I regret ruining such beautiful days that we have together by always letting my anxiety take over and confront and blame F for anything and everything. I regret not believing and trusting that F loves me. I regret getting anxiety and depression and letting it go on so long undiagnosed. I regret not asking for help sooner. I regret that it was up to F to convince me that something wasn’t right and that I needed help. I regret that F had to see that to me.
I regret all the opportunities I have missed out on or ruined simply because I have not been in the mood or my anxiety has beaten me. I regret never seeing the positive in anything. I regret being so negative. Such a Debbie Downer.
I regret who I have become.

Day 13: Complete ✔️

Not Quite Made Girl
x

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4 thoughts on “Day 13: Your biggest regret

  1. It’s easy to look back on how you could have handled situations in hindsight. I don’t think anyone should regret situations that arise from anxiety or depression because you dealt with them the best you could at the time. We all learn through experience 🙂 x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s so human to have regrets, as philosophical as we can be, we also have this nature to regret actions we thought we had control over, and even after we admit that we didn’t control, we still wish we had. This is true for you, as well as for me, even though I’m older. We were both hurt in different ways, and developed anxieties, depression and in my case, a host of other MH issues.
    I have regrets, I posted them, and just like you, I wish I could’ve dealt faster with my recovery and healing. Yet, I know that I just wasn’t ready, and you’ll have to accept this notion : we aren’t always ready to act, to delve into our deep emotions and psyche. I’ll extend on something I told a friend last week, that therapy and introspecting aobut our mental health is like archaeology of the mind. It takes time to dig through rock, sediment and dirt. it can be messy and slow when we hit hard rocks on the way, but one day, all our efforts are rewarded with a piece of art displayed in a museum.

    As far as your doubts and harshness to F, I hope you’ll be able to learn from this that none of you were at fault, that you were acting out of desperation and self-doubts, which got mirrored onto F. This can be used to channel and grow your relationship deeper and then, your doubts can just evaporate. Once you understand the roots, you can do something about them.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your comment. It is always great to get another prospective on things especially when I am so blinkard when it comes to my own actions and situations. Thank you for your positive spin on it and I will try not to regret as much as I do!

      Like

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