How many times have we all, over the years,seen the error message 404 error pop up when we tried to enter a URL for a site. The error? That now, apparently, the site no longer exists, was moved or deleted. Or we typed in the URL wrong or the server responsible for the website is not running and the connection is broken.
At the moment I feel that my actions and behaviours are a result of a connection in my brain not running or simply being broken. I feel like I have regressed and facing a few errors. Maybe I am typing the URL in wrong or perhaps something has moved or been erased causing me to fall back into old ways.
I’ll stop with the analogy for now, especially as I don’t know a great deal about technology but it seemed to fit with what I was going with. So bare with.
I have fallen off the wagon a bit these past couple of weeks but no one has noticed because I’ve got well at hiding it. I’ve fallen into old habits and started new ones. I’ve become more reliant on my sleeping pills, taking my antidepressants less and turned back to my binging habits. Hello 404 error.
I didn’t intend to become disconnected from the right path of thinking. I didn’t mean to delete the part of my brain that encourages me to take my antidepressants, tells me that I should do something else instead of purging or even the part where I’m normally honest with F about what is going on. I keep trying to type in the URL to go back to being on the path to helping myself but it keeps coming up with error and the URL can’t be found. Instead I regress. I fall back into old habits. Type in the URL that I know still works even if it isn’t of any help or the complete opposite of the URL I’m actually looking for.
I thought my first face to face CBT would make me feel a bit more positive. Bit more switched on. See the light at the end of the tunnel. A knowledge that I can conquer this. But I feel it hasn’t quite done that. Instead I feel more distant, more detached and further from being me than I have been in a while. I feel so pressured. So stressed. But I don’t know what about. I have to keep a worry diary for the next two weeks and start to realise what is a hypothetical worry and what is a practical worry. And I think as soon as I heard that I felt that panic that I used to feel in school. I felt like I was a student at school again. And I hated school.
To control how I’m feeling I’ve been turning to binge eating which really won’t be helping me as I should be sticking to a healthy diet cause that always makes me feel better. But I can’t help it. It’ll start off with a cookie here or there and the next thing you know I’m at a supermarket buying a twenty quid shop of binge food. I don’t care when I’m eating it. I just keep chomping away as if there’s no tomorrow. Once the food has gone that’s when it hits me. I get an overwhelming guilt come over me. And the way to deal with this guilt? To purge.
I’ve also not been sleeping too great. I think I have slept well two nights in the past month and that’s when I’m with F. Even then I’m still up numerous times in the night but I feel at least a bit more refreshed when I wake up. Other times I have woken up more tired than when I went to sleep. Its exhausting. I have no energy to do anything. I did rely on sleeping tablets at first and they worked a treat. However a week later their effect had worn off so I stopped. Now I’ve started taking them again and although it takes me a while to drop off to sleep I soon do and I manage to get some z’s. I’m starting to run out of them now and I’m panicked that when I do I won’t get prescribed anymore and will go back to little sleep.
My antidepressants. I’m really not sure if they’re helping or hindering. I do my best to take them but when I stay at my boyfriend’s at the weekend I often forget to take them with me so fall out of habit of taking them. I just don’t like taking tablets. I hate feeling the reliance on two tablets to ease how I feel. I don’t want to be dependent on them.
I know I’ve fallen off the rails a bit. And I know I’ve become a bit disconnected from my goal. But I’m hoping it’s only temporary and I’ll soon stop receiving the 404 error message and the goal URL will be back up and running.
Not Quite Made Girl