I’m not sure where my brain has gone but wherever it has disappeared to, it can fully well stay there. I’m far better off with this hybrid brain that has taken over the past couple of days. Bye 404 Error brain, hello undeniably propitious one!
I don’t know if I’m just experiencing a very high high or psychologically I have convinced myself that not relying on my anti depressants as often is more beneficial than taking them. I’ll let you know when this positivity ends and a low arrives. If it does.
Today I had a job interview. Yes, me. I know, I couldn’t quite believe that after all these months of applying to endless jobs in the city, a company finally liked the look of me. Well actually I didn’t apply for the role. I’d like to say I got headhunted for it but that would be a lie too. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on who you know, these days it is definitely who you know more than what you know. And old family friend’s son got talking to my auntie and became aware that I was looking for a job in marketing. So him being the sweetie he is told my auntie to get me to send my CV to him and he’d pass it on if there was any jobs going.
A day or so later after sending him my CV I got an email about a role with that company. I had my phone interview last Wednesday and was asked for a second interview face to face for today. I did have to think about it and let her know as it was a role I hadn’t really considered or heard of. Although it is still in the marketing field. I had a think. Spoke to my Dad and F and was reassured by both that it was a good opportunity and I was well suited to the role.
So I accepted the second interview. Fast forward and we’ve arrived at today. The golden day or should I say the green day as it is St. Paddy’s day after all! 😉 I woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed (hahahaha yeah right, puh-lease!), makeup done, teeth shiny white, smart dress on, cars swapped over and me and F were off to London together. (I’ll go into things with F in a bit, but right now job interview trumps all.) We kissed and departed ways with many a good luck wish from F and I was on my own to tackle the underground. This is always a challenge for me as it sets my anxiety and panic attacks off. However, this morning I did it. No panic attack and less anxiety than usual. Yes, go me! I don’t know if it because I was on such a euphoria from having an opportunity at an actual job in the city or because I had had a good night with F and it was exciting travelling in together and quite grown up. I don’t know but I’m not complaining.
The office was amazing. I could see myself sat at one of the desks. Fitting in with the team. My interviewers were so cool. Relaxed and down to earth. They seemed like possible friends more than the scary, daunting and intimidating portrayal you think of when you are faced with an interview. The hour flew by and I was soon sat in Pret with a smoothie updating F and then my parents about the interview.
I’m trying to be positive about this and see it in a better light. I’m taking on w2bag Sarah told me. That when a situation arises. Stop before you act. Think about it. Is it really a worry and a negative or is there a positive outlook. So that’s what I did. As much as the negatives have burdened me the past few days leading up to the interview I have put on my positive thinking pants (helps that F is so ententhusiastic and encouraging about me taking this opportunity) and thought I’d make a list of the positives. Here goes:
- A job in the city
- Chance to feel like a grown up in a proper job
- Get a decent wage and maybe think about moving out of the parents
- The prospect of making new friends and having people to go for a drink with after work or during lunch
- That the days I do stay with F we can travel up together
- Me and F can sometimes meet up after work and go for drinks or food
- I can get into a routine and hopefully get some balance in my life and moods
So as much as the negatives thoughts still keep washing over me I’m not going to let them dominate (well not for rhe majority of the time anyway) and I will be positive. I will try and get excited about the possible outcome and opportunity that I could face in a couple of weeks time.
Until then I’m going to put it to the back of my mind and revel in the love and affection that F had been showing me. He has shown just how proud of me he is. How much he supports me and believes in me. It’s really showing how much I mean to him and that maybe he does really love me for who I am. I’m so lucky that over 7 months down the line we’re still so affectionate and in love with each other. We’re still learning about one another but that connection between us is getting stronger and stronger and I really don’t see it breaking. I’ve seen a different side to F this week and I’ve fallen even more in love with him. I didn’t think it possible but each time I see him and speak to him I fall that little bit more and my heart beats that bit faster. Safe to say I’m still very much in love and smitten and nothing could possibly change that. Not even you, anxiety. You can try your best but I’m done letting you make me doubt F and our relationship. You’re not ratiomake and you paralogize continuously. I will get stronger at fighting you and you won’t keep winning.
Not Quite Made Girl