How can you say you love me?

I know everyone perceives love differently. Not everyone loves the same. Nor wants to be loved in the same way. But I think there are some aspects of love that is the same between everyone.

When you love someone you would do anything for them. At any time. No ask would be too much. Or so that’s what I thought love was. Maybe it isn’t? Maybe love has become so commercialised now and no one really respects love like they used to. Maybe people jut believe they are in love because it is protocol and not because they actually feel it or believe it.

Everyone tells me I’m lucky. So lucky to have someone like F. So lucky that he has stuck by me. Lucky that he hasn’t run off during all this. Lucky to have his support. That he is a keeper and I should try holding on to him. Yes, he hasn’t ran through all this but does that really mean I am lucky? I don’t know why he hasn’t ran because I know how damn uncomfortable this all makes him feel. He doesn’t understand it. Doesn’t even attempt to understand it. Half volunteers to me that I can always talk to him, then when I do try to talk to him he doesn’t really listen, and suggests that I talk to my parents and get them to listen to me. I don’t want to talk to my parents. I don’t feel like they are my parents half the time. If I have to talk to anyone it will either be F or BeeBee.

This week I have been struggling. I have been so low. I’ve really regressed. I’m struggling to get through day to day life. I told F on Monday that I wasn’t feeling great. The response I got? “Sorry to hear that baby, hopefully you’ll feel better soon xx”. That was it. He didn’t enquire after me on Tuesday or Wednesday. We barely messaged the last few days because he always says he is busy at work so I try not to message him during the day and wait until I guess it’s his lunch time or when he is nearing the end of work.

Last night I confronted him. Asked him if everything was okay because he seemed a bit distant and he then proceeded to tell me that I was acting different. So I said to him I was struggling still and he simply asked if I had been taking my tablets! Who does that to someone they care about?! I explained the situation and he just said that he was glad they were taking me seriously. He just didn’t show an ounce of care. He didn’t offer to call. Offer to see me. He didn’t care enough to do all that. I had to tell him I hopes to have at least a chat with him and he simply said he could call me later. Not now. Or that we wanted to. But he could and would do so later. The phone call went about as well as the messages. He just didn’t understand. Didn’t attempt to understand. I think he was trying to shrug me off and get rid of me in all honesty. I think he’s so done with me and this illness. Who can blame him? 

He says he loves me and messages me as and when he can. He says he spends all his spare time with me (he doesn’t) and spend every weekend with me. This would be so sweet and lovely of him he didn’t always throw it in my face. He always says it in such a begrudging way when tries to prove that he loves me or whatever. It shouldn’t be a chore or a challenge for him to see me. He should want to. He shouldn’t even have to think about it.

We were meant to be going to London today and then in the evening going to a gig. But I have been feeling awful. I definitely don’t have it in me to be in London for the whole day. I told him I might not be up for it and what did he plan on doing. His response? “I was talking to someone at work yesterday about the gig and they were jealous, so I will just ask them”. That was it. No second guessing. No second thoughts. He had a back up plan that had no involvement of me. He knew I was struggling from our phone call last night. And I was desperate to see him yet he could so easily waste this last day of seeing him before he goes on holiday with a work colleague and not seeing me. If that’s what he wants to do then fine. But how can he claim to love me?

I love him. I love him so much. I would do anything for him. I would go running to his if I had no other method if he was struggling or in trouble. I would call him any time during the day no matter what I am doing. I would always message him to see how he was, what he was up to. Just talk to him. But it isn’t reciprocated half the time. He is so different in person to the person behind messages. And I find that so hard to deal with especially as for the majority of the week we aren’t together.

 This is my first real low since my original diagnosis and I think I’ve been okay and nowhere near as bad as I used to be. My first real low and F can’t be there for me. He just distances himself. How can that be love? You can’t love someone when they’re happy and in a good place. You love all of them. The good, the bad and the ugly. But he doesnt. He just loves the “happy” me. 

I’m off to the city and I’m in tears and feel rubbish. I so everything to please everyone and when I want someone to be there for me they aren’t. I only want a hug at home with the one I love but I can’t get that. I have to go up to the city against my will to even get to see him. 

Maybe I love too hard and maybe I’m under some fairy tale  impression of love and expect too much.  Maybe love isn’t as we thought. 

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