In the words of Katy Perry:
You’re hot then you’re cold,
You’re yes then you’re no,
You’re in then you’re out,
You’re up then you’re down.
Yes, Katy, you said it best. You’re been preaching it right for the past 9 years. It seems you have a good way with words.
So, what is Katy Perry doing in my blog? Well I was sat in bed with F the other day, I say sat, I mean half dozing, when suddenly this song came to mind. I know, out of all the songs out there and the tunes I listen to, I get a throw back to my early teen years.
After singing it in my head multiple times I came to realise it actually resonated with me on a certain level.
At first I thought it was to do with F. To describe him at times in our relationship. One minute he’s so expressive and loving, the next, a bit nonchalant about us. But the more I thought about it during this past week (I couldn’t stop singing it or get the tune out of my head, Okay?!) I realised that it was speaking more to me. I know, how can a song speak to you? Well it just did. It just perfectly described my emotions especially of those the past year.
I am very up and down. Very hot and then cold. Very in then out with things. Especially the past month or so.
A lot is happening for me personally job wise. I’m finally starting a ‘proper’ job, as everyone calls it, on Monday in the city. I was excited but now I just want to cry and hide. The closer I’m getting to Monday and starting the more scared and sick I’m feeling. I don’t want to go. I don’t feel ready to be out in the big wide world. I don’t feel ready to be in a 9 to 5 routine 5 days of the week. I still can barely bring myself to get out of bed some days. How am I going to cope with working life? The fear of a panic attack is becoming more and more of a reality but I have to hide this from work. I can’t show them this side. I’ll have to learn to put on the persona that I’ve created everyday and ensure that smile and confidence shines.
As well as the job front I’ve come to a very personal and harsh reality. I’m no good for F. I have never been good for him and I never will be I’m too up and down, and too hot and cold for him. He tries his best but why should he have to? He can’t continuously worry about me and keep asking me how I am. It’s not fair on him.
I have also realised that I’m far, far, far too dependent on F. I was getting in too over my head with him and our relationship. I …
Automated voice: Hold the line please
Sorry about the interruption. The day that I wrote this post, well started to write it, was the day that it all finally got too much for me. I had another mini breakdown (woo, go me! That’s two breakdowns in the space of a couple of months, therapy is going well as I am sure you can all tell!) and it was quite possibly the worst time to have a breakdown, especially around F.
We had had a lovely weekend with his friends up in the Midlands. Well I say we did, but all weekend and week I had been feeling.. odd, I suppose is the best way to describe it. As I was saying before it all erupted in this post, was that I had realised I was getting far too involved with F. I wishing for too much with him. Wanting too much from him. Wanting and envisaging too much that future that I hope for. I wanted it sooner rather than later and I just have the gut feeling that F is very much not in the same place as me.
After Sunday night at F’s, the next morning I felt different. It was like I had an epiphany, a realisation at how I was feeling. It was like I was seeing me from the outside. It was a reality check. A much needed one. I really distanced myself from F all last week. I barely texted him. Didn’t check my phone to see if he had messaged. Didn’t hope to meet or even organise to see him. It was odd. But I managed it.
What I’ve realised now is that I was actually sabotaging our relationship. I was trying to make myself fall out of love with F. I was trying to force him to end our relationship. Why, I hear you screaming?! Well, quite simply put, I know it will come to an end sooner or later, so why let myself envisage a future. Why did I think I deserved a chance to be happy? Why should I have a partner that I can see spending my life with? Why do I deserve to be happy with this one person? The short answer is no, I believed I didn’t deserve to be happy, to have a long term relationship, to have that one person I can turn to. I thought, like most, he would walk away after leaving such heavy footprints in my life. I didn’t want to face losing him down the line. I don’t think I would cope. So I decided to sabotage our relationship and distance myself.
This failed. Of course it failed! But it all had to come pouring out on our car journey home when we were stuck in a confined metal tin that is a car in boiling heat for almost three hours! It all started over something silly: me leaving my ring at his friend’s house. I won’t go into it but long story short, we fell out and got stroppy with one another. I got so claustrophobic and panicked in the car that I insisted he pulled over at the nearest service station. And queue the breakdown haha! Outside a McDonald’s in front of a good few people I just broke. I cried. F was having none of what I was saying to him. We were still arguing about me leaving the bloody ring at his friend’s and us having to drive 2 minutes back to get it! For me there was so much to it. I half wanted to end it with F. I had felt I wanted to end it half the weekend. Not because I didn’t love him anymore but because I didn’t want to continue letting myself get in deeper with him when we might not both have the same hopes for the future. I kept my distance each night in bed, I wouldn’t allow my skin to even touch his. It was ridiculous, but for some reason it made sense in my head.
After much, backwards and forwards, F finally wiped the tears from my cheek and listened. I told him majority of everything that I was worried about. What I had been doing all week. How I was sabotaging us. How I was trying to convince myself I didn’t love him anymore. How I wanted to end it all now with him instead of him ending it down the line. I got a lot off my chest. We spoke about my depression and anxiety, all whilst we were sat in McDonald’s car park in the car! I told him just how low I get. How it feels for me. How this is a long term thing. It is something that will stay with me for life. I will have episodes but I will hopefully learn to handle them better. He seemed to understand. He couldn’t understand how I thought we were going to break up down the line. He finally heard a lot of what has been on my mind and what I want him to know.
There are still a few topics which are out of bounds to talk to him about. And maybe one day I will finally disclose them. Maybe one day he will be that bit more open with me. Be that bit more understanding and not jump to criticism of himself or of me as quick. He will hopefully realise that he does make me happy even if he believes that I am suggesting he does things wrong. He’s a good egg and I love him. There’s so much I want to share with him, and I will in due course. I hope this was just the start of many truths and honesty being spoken. But maybe with less scorching, claustrophobic and public setting next time, please?
Not Quite Made Girl
P.S. sorry Katy Perry, this post kind of went on a tangent from your song, but the idea is still there and well, I’m still a lover of this song so I’ll continue singing to it!