It has been a while since I last wrote on here and I do apologise for my absence, not that my writing is of any interest.
I’ve had a lot happen in the past couple of weeks and I’ve not known quite how to handle it all. I’ve been very high then very low. There hasn’t been a balance and it is throwing me off.
So I’ve had two face to face session and got my third on Monday. My first session was not at all to my liking. I found it very difficult to agree with what was being said and the techniques that I was being taught. I did do a blog post on my first session. I did take on board the advice and kept a worry diary between the two weeks of my appointments.
I understood how the diary could help. How me deciphering if my worries were hypothetical or practical would help me control some of the extent of my worrying. I understood and so wanted this method to work. I gave it a go. My best shot. I kept it for the first week roughly. I wrote down my general worries throughout the day. I knew what these were so they weren’t a surprise. I knew majority of them were hypothetical and there was nothing I could do but it didn’t help me or the worrying. I just had them written down instead of in my head.
My second face to face session. I broke down. I had had a bad couple of weeks between appointments. My tablets were changed and before that I just felt generally low. I told my therapist about the past weeks. What had been bothering me. What I had felt. What had happened. All I was told was that my next appointment would be in a week and I’d be taught techniques to deal with the lows. And apart from a quick run over of my worry diary and some brief explanation of a new worry technique of only allowing myself to worry for half an hour at about 7pm that was the end of the session.
Third session was even more rushed and unhelpful. It was barely 20 minutes before we said our goodbyes and I was out the door. No techniques to deal with the lows. Not a lot was said except the next session might be my last.
I was taken off my Prozac and put on a different tablet because the Prozac was not doing anything. This new tablet, I’m really not a fan. I don’t feel comfortable on it at all. I’m worried it is slowing my reactions down. That it’s making me gain weight. That it’s making me very high then very low. I hate it. I’ve stopped taking it because I’m convinced it is more harmful than good. Probably shouldn’t just stop all medication so abruptly but at the end of the day if I’m not comfortable with it then I’m going to stop. I felt it was really messing with me. I felt spaced out at times. Felt weird. I haven’t taken it since.
I’m struggling. Really struggling. I’m so low. But I don’t want to restart taking the stronger tablets again. I can’t get an appointment for a month and even then it’s not with my normal doctor. I can’t get an evening appointment either so I’d either have to have half a day at work and take the morning as holiday or just forget it and hope I sort myself out.
Well for once I’ve got quite a bit to write about on this section. I’ve finally had a bit of luck. I’ve finally been given a chance.
A couple of months ago my auntie sent me a text telling me that her best friend’s son told her to get me to send him my CV so he could pass it on where he worked to see if anything was going.
I was in a very low place when I got this text and completely blanked it and ignored all existence of it. Then about a month or so ago me and F were out with my Auntie having drinks to celebrate her birthday and she mentioned the text. I tried to change the subject but F was already hooked on the conversation. He was adamant after hearing about the company that it would be a great opportunity for me. So long story short he kept asking and asking me if I had sent my CV off.
Long story short, after three interviews, I was offered the job. At first I was kind of excited then I didn’t really know what to think, then I was excited again and then I got anxious. Sickly anxious. Which didn’t go too well with my already low mood.
All through the process I’ve been very up and down about the situation. A bit excited. Anxious. Worried. Panicked. Happy. Sad. I felt all emotions through it all.
I had my first day this week and by the evening I was snuggled in bed in tears. There was nothing particularly wrong with my first day and the people are lovely but I just don’t feel mentally or physically ready for this all. But maybe once I get into the routine of it all I will start to feel better. Once I’m fully emerged in my role maybe I’ll feel more human again.
Well the next topic was going to be about how me and F were getting on but I already covered that in my previous post:
Im just generally exhausted with everything at the moment. I don’t know how I’m feeling from one minute to the next. I don’t know if I’m ready for life and everything it involves. I’ve got no choice but to be but I just sometimes wish I could curl up and maybe not exist for a while.
Not Quite Made Girl