Well, hi. It has been a while. I am sorry to those who have been worried and to those who I have not replied to but it has been a crazy few months. A lot has changed, and last night my whole world fell apart, as F dumped me.
These last few months I have been so up and down and I have been unbearable at times. I started a new job, my brother got caught up in the London attacks, F got a flat and moved into it and I just generally was learning to battle with my emotions.
I loved my job at first. I really did. It was exciting, it was new. It was everything I thought it would be and more. However, in the last month and a half or so, I have been struggling to fit in and feel comfortable at work. I have such a different mantra to those I work with. We have different beliefs, different views and very different politics. Normally, I am so easy going and am not affected by difference, but in this job it is so prominent and unless you think their way, you are seen as a bit of an oddball, so I have had to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself about certain things, especially when the elections were happening. Work has also slowed down incredibly. Most days I am sat at my laptop, just staring at the screen trying to think of things to do. I have planned most of my best friend’s hen party at work thanks to these slow times, but now that’s almost finished being planned, I have very little else to do.
My brother, who I must admit I don’t really get on well with. Never have and probably never will. But the night I got the phone call saying he was barricaded in a pub and giving CPR to a guy who had been stabbed, my world just broke. I never realised I had such care and love for my brother and his girlfriend. Obviously, I would never ever want my brother come to any harm, but this really opened my eyes. If his girlfriend wasn’t a slow drinker, and they left the few seconds earlier when he had finished his drink, they both would have been caught up in it and the outcome could have been so much worse. Apart from a bit of shock, they are both thankfully fine. They saved the lives of a few that night, thanks to my brother’s quick thinking of barricading the doors and ensuring that there was no way the attackers could enter. His girlfriend saved the life of someone who had stumbled into the pub already attacked. My brother is so humble, but the way he speaks about that night, I have seen something in him that I haven’t before and that’s fear. And that’s horrible to see. He is normally so cocky, so full of himself, positive and dare I say it a bit sanctimonious at times. But since then he has changed. He is still selfish to an extent but he is also less chatty and less him. And that’s painful to see in an older brother.
The last few months, mine and F’s relationship has been tumultuous to say the least and that’s my fault. I have put so much pressure on myself. I have been battling with my anxiety and depression without tablets and I have been shielding everyone from how I really feel, because I feel pathetic trying to explain something that I don’t understand. I was signed off CBT as I started my new job. I knew I shouldn’t have been but I thought I was better. I thought I was improving. I thought I was changing. But I wasn’t. I was getting worse. I came off the tablets because I didn’t like how both types made me feel. I felt weird, spaced out, moody and miserable. It was doing the complete opposite of what it was meant to be doing.
This hasn’t helped with me and F at all. We have had a few explosive moments in the last three months. Once when we were on a mini break to Woolacombe, once on a random morning, and one on the way to Latitude. I could not tell you for love or peace why these arguments started, and why they reached the extremes they did, but it happened and I now have to live with the results of them. When we are in these explosive moments, I am screaming in my head at myself to stop! Why am I doing this? Is this really worth it? But I was too stubborn to stop! And each and every time, the arguments got worse. I was making F miserable. I was miserable. The morning of Latitude, my anxiety just beat me. It won. It got me. And I let it. I didn’t stop it. I over thought a minute situation and it ruined everything.
I know why I became so sensitive about things and exploded in these moments. But I have realised today and that’s too little too late. I put so much pressure on myself to make everything perfect for me and F every time we had plans. And when one little thing went out of place, I would over react, I would become so distraught. I would then feel as if the day is ruined and just sabotage it. I did this for Latitude. I let it get so out of hand. I was desperate. I self harmed in front of F out of pure desperation. I made him cry. I threatened not to go. I even got out of the car as we were leaving. I am a fucking psycho looking back! Why did I do this?! Why I have become that kind of person?
I put so much pressure on myself for mine and F’s relationship. I was so obsessed with those in relationships around me that I stopped myself from allowing me and F to just do our thing. A few months ago, I thought I wanted to rush to the year mark, I wanted to rush to moving in with each other and getting on with our future. Because I thought that was where I was supposed to be. What I was supposed to be doing. But a few weeks ago, as F was moving in to his flat, realisation hit me. I didn’t want that level of commitment. This realisation freaked me out, did this mean I was no longer into me and F as I thought I was? So for weeks, I have been trying to battle with what this meant and it was coming between me and F because I didn’t want to talk to him about it because I didn’t want to freak him out or try and explain why I felt this way when I didn’t know why. But last night, after so much thinking, it hit me. I wasn’t no longer into me and F, instead I was more into us than ever. I was content with the now. I was content just being a girlfriend. Just being the girlfriend he saw once, twice, three times a week. I was even becoming happy and keen for him to go play Cricket at the weekend, because it meant when I saw him it would be more special but I also got time on my own. I wanted him to do his thing and that was it. I was so content just being his girlfriend. Of course I wanted the other stuff, but not now, not in 6 months, but further down that timeline. I am in no hurry, but again I have realised this too late. But now I know it, I can work on it.
I have let my insecurities get the better of me in mine and F’s relationship and I’ve caused him to end it. He said he still loves me and that I am perfect but he can’t give me another chance to change. He didn’t believe me when I said this was my cause for real change. This really has been the catalyst for change. Seeing him just bring my world crashing down the way he did last night, I want to change. I will change. I have a plan in place to get me started for these next two weeks. So this is where this blog comes back into life.
I have come to realise so much these past 24 hours. I have been on the verge of suicide (sounds drastic but for the last few months I have contemplated it so much but I can’t bring myself to do it, and I couldn’t whilst I was with F, because he was my safety, my security, my reason to breath and to get up and I never truly showed him this. Instead I made him feel hurt and upset and I hid everything from him. He never knew just how much he meant to me). I have cried my eyes out. I haven’t eaten and I have just managed to have my first drink in those hours since F dumped me. I have gone through the emotions and it has been so, so hard. But I’ve realised so much and I’ve realised the changes I want to make and just how I am going to make them. I begged F for a two week break and then see how we are after that, but he didn’t understand the concept. I think he just wanted to leave once he made his decision and was’t ready to hear what I was saying.
But I am going to stick to the two weeks break. I am going to leave him alone. He is probably expecting the old me, to make a sarky comment, to have the last word, to make a scene, but I’m changing that. He changed his whatsapp picture and even liked a picture of a girl, who let’s just say, I was a bit threatened by, but I am not going to rise to it. That’s what the old me would have done. I am just going to give him space to think things out. I am hoping so much that after these two weeks, he will see a change in me. I am not going to ask to go back into a relationship with him after these two weeks coming, but I will ask if we can date again. See each other once a fortnight and just be friendly and see where it goes from there. No commitment. No labels. No pressure. No chances. A complete new slate in a different situation. I know deep down he won’t listen to this, but if he loves me like he says he does, then I can only have a bit of hope. Another change. I would never even see it this way, but I am determined to bring about positive change and make myself a better person. Not just for me, but for F. I want to make the boy I love, who is my world, happy again. The way I used to. I want to leave the arguments behind. The emotions, the anxiety and the pressure all behind and just be young with him and enjoy it. And I will try. And I can only hope he will too.
So over the next two weeks, I will log what I am up to, how I am feeling, where I stand with everything and hopefully even you guys will see a change in my outlook on things. I have too much with F to throw away, he has made me the person I like with the likes and hobbies I have and I don’t want to lose that. I want to go to this season’s games with him, I want to carry on going to gigs, and even if it is as friends for the meantime then so be it, but at least that way he will see that I am changing.
I will do this. I will do it for F. I will do it for love. But more importantly I will do it for me. For my future.
Not Quite Made Girl