My first post about the progress that I am making. The changes that I am implementing to make myself a better person.
I have achieved a lot in one day. Well I think I have. I have already felt a difference in myself and how I respond to things. I admit, I still haven’t eaten anything, but I am drinking now so I am getting back in that sense. But in everything else, I feel more positive. I feel lighter and more relaxed.
Before, the little things used to get to me. If I wasn’t in a good mood or feeling down, I would just sit there in silence and not really show any emotion to whatever anyone else around me was saying. But today, even in the circumstances that I am in at the moment, I have smiled, I have responded to people and I have been friendly and approachable, even my Mum has noticed and commented. She seems proud of me and how I am handling this, so that’s a big bonus.
I had absolute no aggression driving. I was calm and aware and didn’t over react at minor things happening on around me. I have been aware of the things that are coming out of my mouth and how I am saying them. Yes, it is a lot of work but it is worth it. I have also stopped to think about situations happening around me and realised there is no need to let them get to me, to not react to them. Even at silly comments around me or if someone says something that used to rile me, I now just breathe and carry on as I was. I acknowledge the comment but don’t react. And that’s huge! I have never done that before, hours later I would still be riling from it But now I just drop it and don’t make a scene.
I also bit the bullet and booked myself an appointment at the doctors. Unfortunately, I can’t get in until the 22nd but that’s better than nothing. I have realised I really need to deal with my depression and anxiety head on. I can’t keep pretending to battle it on my own because it isn’t helping. It isn’t helping me, my family or even my relationship with F. So, I am going to be so open and explore all avenues that I can take to help deal with this. I want to explore different medication, different therapies that are open to me. I need to open up. I need to talk more to establish why I am this way.
I also booked an appointment with the nurse for the same because I am convinced my contraceptive pill isn’t helping with how I feel. So I want to see what other hormone tablets I can take and which are more depression friendly if you like. So two big ticks there for me I think.
I have also, at long last, looked into booking onto dance classes and even emailed a dance school to book onto adult ballet and contemporary classes for September. It isn’t too far from where I live and I can attend them after work. So win, win! I will finally have that independent social aspect back to my life. I hope there will be a variety of ages and people that I can interact with and develop a social life. I am anxious, so, so anxious but I need this. I relied too much on F for company and I felt like I maybe was suffocating him at times and maybe he felt that he couldn’t always do other plans because he felt he had to plan something with me instead. But this way, I now have something of my own, something I can enjoy and do weekly. I am excited but so, so nervous. But I will deal with that when the 4th September comes.
Keeping on the dancing front, I have also enquired about pole fitness classes! This has been something I have wanted to do for the last couple of years but my insecurities have always stopped me. So what better way to fight those, than to sign up for a class and do it! Email sent, so hopefully I will hear back soon so that I can start asap!
So there, I think that’s a lot of progress and change for one day. But I am so proud of myself. The old me would be wollowing, trying to pick at F, messaging him, begging him, trying to have the last word, keep checking social media, but instead, I am being mature. I want to show him that I am a changing person and this is one way of doing it! By letting him have his space whilst I work on myself. I just wish he could read these blogs and realise just how much he means to me and how much, this time, I really am willing to change. I just want to be in his arms so much, I want to message him about our football team new signings, the cricket, songs that I am listening to, things that I have been doing. I want to know how his day is, I want to hear that he still loves me and he is thinking that there is still a chance. I’m hoping he holds on to that season ticket for me as I want more than nothing to spend this season watching football, watching our team together. I am changing and I just want him to see this so much. I want to feel his kiss again, have his hand in mine and just collapse in his arms and feel safe.
This is why I am changing and today has been a major leap forward.
F, if you do see this, please know I am trying, I am doing this, I am doing it for you, for us, but more for me because you were right I don’t want to always argue, always feel down and moody, I want to be as happy as I was with you so many times. And I am doing it. And I am doing it well.
I love you F.
Not Quite Made Girl