What do you do? 

What do you do when the one person who you loved most walks out of your life without a single care? How do you carry on living? How can you carry on as just one person when you’ve been part of a two for so long? How do you face your fears without your best friend by your side?

I’m struggling. Really struggling today. I’ve been sent home from work. My lack of food is affecting me but I have such little care for looking after the small things such as nourishing myself. I’m too focused on what I’ve lost and what I need to do to win him back.

I try to distract myself and avert my thoughts but I keep finding my brain running back to memories of me and F and all the things we had planned.

I lost all hope today that I would ever get him back. I feel I’m fighting a one sided battle. I’m on my own and there’s no victory in sight. I don’t get to have him back at the end of all this.

I’ve been reading articles about break ups and how the guy reacts and what that means. That was an error. He is using the cold approach of no contact. That often means they’re done and will stick with their decision. All the visions I had of him sitting just checking his phone for a message from me, or looking at old pictures or even asking about seeing Dunkirk still tomorrow, I’ve had nothing. And I’m starting to believe that he is fine. That he didn’t love me although he declared I was perfect and that he loved me as he was ending it.

I have lost my best friend. The better version of me. He made me such a better person. I know he doesn’t see it that way but he did. He gave me interests and likes. He filled me with knowledge that I never realised I was interested in. He was my gig buddy. My football partner. My side kick. My boyfriend. My future. My memories. My hero. And my one.

I want to marry him. I want children with him. I never knew i could love someone so much. I just want a chance. Why is that so hard to get?

I wish he knew this blog. I wish he was reading this. I wish he could see the changes I am starting to make. I wish he could be the positive influence on me. I wish I was in his arms, laying in his bed, discussing how silly we were, or more how I am? I wish he would give me just a little bit of hope because I’m hurting. I’m struggling. Im drowning without him.

I just want him to know all that he means to me and how I’m willing to do anything to get him back. They aren’t empty promises any more. Please Fraser, I need you. I love you and you love me too, I know you do! Tell me what I can do to win your trust back and I’ll do it because I know I can if it means I get to hold your hand again.

How can you make it up to the one you love the most but hurt the most? I’m open to anything. Any suggestions. How can you show someone you’ve changed if they won’t message you?

Not Quite Made Girl

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