Dear F, (1)

Dear F,

I know I shouldn’t be doing this. I know I shouldn’t be contacting you but I can’t resist anymore. There’s so much that needs to be said. There’s too much between us.

I’m Sorry. I’m So sorry. Sorry will never cut it, I know that. I hurt you beyond belief through actions I didn’t realise I was doing. I know you don’t believe I can change. And I am not asking you to believe. Instead I want you to watch the progress I am making and see the change for yourself.

You were right to end our relationship. I was becoming a shadow of myself because I was so lost, so pressured and obsessed with everything else around me and comparing you and me to that. I lost sight of what really mattered, and that was you and me. The love we shared in that moment of time. The fact we were enjoying being young, no commitments but hope for the future. Instead, I pressured myself to think I wanted it all, the moving in, the commitment, but in reality I didn’t. I was just content being yours and spending time with you. Instead, I pressured myself to create all these perfect weekends with you so I could prove we were happy and move in with each sooner rather than later. However, by doing this, if one little thing went wrong, I would panic. I would believe the weekend was ruined and destroy it further, even though in my head, I would be screaming at myself to stop trying to pick things out of you and just drop it, but I couldn’t. I honestly thought that one thing out of the plan was reason enough to sabotage it all.

I know now, that I should have just enjoyed being us. I shouldn’t have felt I needed to keep up with those around me and I shouldn’t have put that pressure on myself, because by doing that I was doing the opposite and hurting both of us. And also, I didn’t need to do that, because I didn’t want to move in with you really, not now, not in 6 months. I thought I did, but I kept sabotaging us because deep down maybe I knew I didn’t want to actually go that next step and that scared me. Why didn’t I want to do that when everyone else I knew had done it? But now, I know that there was nothing wrong with not wanting to move in with each other, because there was so much time for us to enjoy that, and for the time we could have just enjoyed being two separate people having fun.

I have also realised, and recently wrote a blog about it, that I am a product of my environment. I apologise profusely that I used to say you lived in a bubble, you didn’t and nor did I. We in fact just both had such different up bringing, both of them normal to ourselves but not to each other that we didn’t quite know how to react to some things. When I thought my tone was okay, it clearly wasn’t to you and I understand that now. I thought that tone was okay because I have seen my Dad talk to my Mum and Vice Versa for so many years that I believe it is ‘normal’.
Whereas, you have witnessed such love and respect in your family and that’s beautiful, and I am so envious of that. I always did envy your family. I was jealous of your relationship with your sister. How close you were with your parents and how involved they were. I showed it wrong, I made it out that I thought it was different and not normal and that I Wasn’t comfortable with it, when in reality, I was simply jealous. That’s not an excuse, I still shouldn’t have got so uncomfortable around your family at times or got so jealous of the things you used to say to help support your sister, instead I should have just embraced it and learned from them. Learner what it is to have respect within a family and not be afraid to show that love and care to one another.
You’re so lucky to have the family you do, and I am sorry I ever said a bad word about it. But I never thought about it. Not until now. I never realised how my family impacted me. How their behaviour has rubbed off on me. But I know now, and I am going to change that. As a famous quote once said: You are a product of your environment. So choose the environment that will best develop you towards your objective. Analyse your life in terms of its environment. Are the things around you helping you toward success — or are they holding you back? 
I am taking the big step and started looking at mortgages and buying my own place because I do have enough saved to do that. I need to break out of the environment at home and build on becoming my own person and put to use my new techniques of being a better person without having to witness such contempt at home. 

I have started analysing my actions and the words I say a lot more. I have sat back and looked at what I am thinking and why I am thinking it. I haven’t snapped or lost my temper or even felt agitated since. I feel so much calmer, more serene at more at one with myself. Oh my god, I am cringing at that, but it’s true. So thank you, you’ve opened my eyes up to so much and I am only sorry that I can’t have you with me. 

I have also started blogging again and maybe it is time I share with you the name of it. I think it is time you read some of the posts on there, just to get a bit more of a glimpse of how I was really feeling and what was going through my head at times. Blogging has really helped me recently, I shouldn’t have given it up. It is such a good tool for me to understand what I am thinking and how I am behaving and to look at my actions and see for myself how I am changing. So here, if you would like to have a look one time, it is:
frommadtomade.wordpress.com . There are several from when we first got together, to the nitty and gritty of our relationship, to after. I hope this gives a bit more of an insight into why I was the way I was. And more importantly how much I loved you and adored and admired you.

I have booked a doctor and a nurses appointment. It is time I sorted out my anxiety and depression properly. It wasn’t fair of me to burden it on the both of us. I should have got the proper help. I should have been more open to ideas and medication instead of dismissing it as if I didn’t have a problem. I now know I have a problem, I wasn’t acting like a normal human half the time. I was irrational, emotional, and tetchy. And that’s not how I used to be or how I want to be. It affects everyone around me when I am like that, so I am changing that. I am also going to look into changing my pill because I don’t think that has helped with my moods as it is a mix of hormones. I am not making excuses but I am trying to find ways to help get a balance back in my life, and be the happy girl that I was so many years ago. You brought that out of me so many times, you saw the real laughter, you saw the real happy girl that I could be at times, I am sorry that the other version of me made an appearance all too often. I am confronting her now. I am not scared to face her or my insecurities.

I am not going to keep telling you I am changing, I want you to see that yourself. I don’t expect any commitment from you and nor do I expect a relationship. I simply want to talk to you, laugh with you, hug you, and enjoy the things we used to: Football; the O’s, Cricket, Music Gigs, I want to go see Broken Witt Rebels with you in October, Wolf Alice, Don Broco. I want to just do these things even without the labels, without the commitment, just so you can decide for yourself if I have changed. I know you love me, you said so yourself on that night, so please don’t give up on that feeling for me. 

I’m so sorry my love. I regret my past actions so much but I can’t change them. But I can change the future and I am. I am giving you your space. I am not reacting to anything on social media or even paying much attention to it. I am off my phone a lot more and learning to enjoy the everyday things. I feel freer without it. I think you would be proud of me because I am proud of myself. I am realising that I am doing well and that I can change and leave my insecurities behind, and you gave me that drive to do it. So thank you. Give yourself a pat on the back 🙂
I love you F. 

Yours,
Siggy

xx

 

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