Dear F, (2)

Dear F,

Having so much time to think about things, is doing so much to me. It is helping, it is hindering, it is hurting and it is making me determined. I have the time to think back over our whole relationship: the good, the bad and the ugly and the happiness.

I have thought about my behaviour non stop. It is continuously at the forefront of my mind and I am so careful watching those around me and how their behaviour is different to mine.
I have been watching reality TV programmes, you know me and my love for such rubbish, I mean look I got you into Love Island, so they can’t be that bad! But yes, I have been watching Teen Mom both in the UK and the US. I know their lives are so different, and so are their circumstances, but their behaviour on screen is quite similar to how I could be at times with you. I am not saying that excuses my behaviour, because it doesn’t, but for so many people that seems to be the norm. Having moments of exploding, of spitefulness of hurt.
Witnessing those around me at work and the way they speak about certain things. There is hostility in them over the smallest of things. They do lose their tempers, even in the work place. You hear of arguments that they have had with their partners, and often it is over something so small but it still cause a row. An argument. And things being said that they didn’t mean.
Even just watching strangers on the commute to work, walking past them, hearing their phone calls, there’s not a day that goes by where you don’t hear at least a few people arguing on their phone, whether it be with a family member, a colleague or the love of their life.

I am not saying that’s okay because it isn’t and I am not happy with being that way, so I do want to change that, and as I’ve noted there’s a fair few things I can do to try and change the way I behave with regards to my moods.
Unfortunately, it seems hostility is winning in this world and I am one of those who have used it and hurt those around me through anger and emotions. And I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want to be a part of these people. I don’t care if it seems the norm any more, because I don’t consider it normal. Normal is being able to talk to your loved one when you are having a problem or maybe you don’t agree with something they have said without arguing and hurting one another. That’s my normal now and I want to put that in to practice and make it a reality.

I know the arguments were bad, but the making up was so lovely, so perfect each time. Just falling back into each other’s arms, just embracing one another and being us. Leaving the people of that moment in the past and returning back to ourselves. I know the arguments made you unhappy, but you can’t deny some of the ways we made up made you happy.

We’re young and still so new at a relationship F. I’m not perfect and our relationship wasn’t perfect, but I know at times I did really try. I just kept panicking because I couldn’t believe I had you. I had you for a year! I couldn’t believe that I was still holding on to you, still being able to kiss you. I wouldn’t let myself be happy with that because of my insecurities, but I know now, I did deserve all that. I did deserve your love and care. I wasn’t all bad. I catered to your needs, I listened to you, I showed interest in everything you said, I let you teach me so many new things instead of being ignorant towards it even if I did think it wasn’t for me whatever you were explaining. I showed you love like no other, I never saw any limitations in you. I was your cheerleader. I came to your cricket, I cheered on your table tennis, I got interested in your sports so you could talk about it with me. I helped you decorate, I helped you move. I admit, I wasn’t excited at first about your flat, but then I snapped out of it, I tried getting excited for you and asked How you wanted to decorate it, when you were going to move, if you were excited, but you never really showed much excitement, so I toned it down because I didn’t want to annoy you.
I tried making plans. I know you felt you always had to make plans, but in the end you did because the times I did suggest something, like the Frank & Ella evening, you didn’t seem interested. I’d suggest seeing a film or just having a night in but you never seemed keen. I never expected you to make plans, because you know I loved just having nights in with you. Sitting in front of the telly, eating ice cream, snuggled up with each other.

Looking back, we kind of lost our way. Put too much pressure on ourselves to go do new things and be creative, when instead, I think we both just loved, going to a pub in the evening during the week, going to see a film on the odd weekend, playing crazy golf and even just going to watch a football match. We put too much pressure on ourselves to do things, and in that we lost the ability to just enjoy ourselves.
Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely have loved all that we have done and I am so grateful we got to do all those things, but we lost the simplicity of us and the pressure wasn’t worth it.

I thought today, we just need to lie down on your bed, and just talk. Talk it all out. Understand one another a bit more without the heightened emotions that we had on Monday. Things are said in the moment, and they don’t always stand. Things don’t always make sense. Can’t we just sit and talk this one out, please? There’s so much more to understand and get out. We’ll do it all on your terms, where, when, whatever, just please give a talk a chance.

It’s killing me not knowing what you are up to. How your day is going. How your projects at work are. The difficulties you are having. The funny things you’ve come across. Your reactions to the new signings for the O’s. What you think about whatever is happening in the sports world. I just want to hear about your day. I miss hearing about it.

I hope you’re well.





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