A whole weekend without seeing F, once. Or even speaking to him. It has been so tough. But I have to show I am changing. The old me would have been bombarding him with messages, begging to speak, not giving him his space. Making things worse. But this way, I am just stepping back and letting him have that space.
So, what has happened this weekend? Has there been change? I think there has.
Where shall I start? I have finally booked a weekend away. I have needed this so much for such a long time. Just a weekend away on my own. Come to terms with what has been going on the last few months. And actually understand what I am thinking, how I am feeling and just think about it. How my behaviour has changed and how I am going to change that. I haven’t allowed myself to do that since I got the diagnosis because I wanted to pretend there was nothing wrong. I wanted to be normal. But I can’t brush it under the carpet anymore. So with this little break away, it is only 2 full days but half a day each side, I can just wonder along the beach, and just think. Take everything in. And learn to appreciate everything again. I have got so lost in everyday life here and all the changes and pressures that I felt hanging on my shoulders that I can just shrug them off and look at it all afresh. I have been saying for months that I need to get away and I finally will be next weekend.
I have also started looking in to getting a mortgage. Unfortunately, it wasn’t great news but I am still determined. I won’t be knocked back by this. I am fine to get a mortgage but to get the best value mortgage I can I need to get 3 bonuses under my belt, so that means I have to wait another 6 months. I don’t think I can wait that long and continue to live at home with the environment that it is. So I am going to look into renting from September/October and hopefully with a second bonus under my belt I will have a bit more lead. The adviser seemed really positive and I will carry that with me. It isn’t all doom and gloom. I can do it and I will, I will just have to wait a bit longer and have a bit of an alternative until then.
That’s a big change in itself right there. I didn’t realise that until I put it into writing. Normally one little bump in the road would throw me completely off and I would just give up. But I am not going to. I am fed up of thinking so negatively. Negativity gets you nowhere. It’s depressing to be that way. So here comes the positivity and with that I will get things done a hell of a lot more than I did being negative.
I went to the cinema on my own today! I dragged myself out of the house and took myself to an environment and place I haven’t really been before on my own and I enjoyed it. I got to see The Big Sick, which I will do a quick review on later. I would have loved F to have joined me but I need to learn to be a lot more independent and realise I can do things on my own. It is healthy to do things on your own. Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you have to be attached to their hip every spare minute.
That’s where my thinking has changed. I used to believe that it was absolutely vital that every spare second we got we had to spend it together. He would always have his cricket at the weekend and every now and thenhe would go out with friends from work, and I would be on my own. For some reason I felt I couldn’t go do things, because I thought I had to do it with F. But I didn’t. He would have been so supportive and encouraging of me going out and doing things even if it took time away from us. I have realised that it is healthy to do things separately and in my eyes that pressure I put on myself to always make myself available for F was ridiculous. He would have rather that I was out doing something. He would have preferred a girlfriend who went out and did things. It would have been good for us. And I regret not doing it sooner. But at least I have realised this now. I can work on it.
I haven’t lost it once with my parents. I haven’t gotten aggy about someone simply walking slow in front of me. I haven’t sworn. I haven’t shouted. I haven’t been sarcastic. I have simply accepted everything as it is. I don’t know why I would let things on the streets which were so insignificant to me get to me. Why did I do that? Why did I worry myself with others around me and let them vex me? What an absolute idiot.
I feel so much calmer. It’s quite pleasant and I don’t want to lose that. So I will keep progressing on this. I will not retaliate to things that I don’t necessarily agree with. I will accept it and just move on. It isn’t worth the aggro or the stress.
The way my parents speak to each other has been so apparent this weekend. And I really don’t agree with it. But I haven’t lost it with them or got annoyed. I have let them get on with it, because that’s what they are used to and it doesn’t actually concern me. I used to let them affect me so much. But I am not going to let myself be affected by them any more. I am old enough to realise what behaviour is right and what behaviour is wrong. And the way they speak to each other is not right at all. And I won’t behave that way anymore.
Okay, I confess I am still not eating, and my Mum and Dad had a go at me on Friday night because they sat food in front of me and I just couldn’t stomach it. I felt physically sick. I tried so hard to eat it. I picked up the fork to go to eat it but my stomach just lurched and the heaving feeling just smashed through me. I want to try and eat but I can’t. I am losing so much weight. I have lost 8lbs this week alone. I feel fine though. I don’t feel dizzy or faint or like I will collapse. I don’t have a headache. As soon as I do, I will force myself to eat something because that’s just being silly otherwise and that’s what the old me would have done. But I am changing that. I will react to this and stop it getting out of hand. I just can’t right now.
At times I have felt so, so low but I am battling those moments. I am no longer letting them trump me. I still speak when I feel like I can’t. I still show emotions such as laughter and happiness. I still interact and I never used to do that before. If I was low I felt I couldn’t sit there and talk like normal. This in turn put so many others in uncomfortable situations. Now, just trying to talk and making an effort has helped. After a while you feel yourself progressing out of the low moment and feeling a bit more human. It doesn’t last as long. You get a rush of positivity, just engaging with another person in conversation makes you feel good. It boosts your confidence because that someone is reciprocating your conversation. And they still want to be around you.
All in all I am getting there. I still miss F like hell and I believe I am better with him but I can’t be right now. Not as the person that I was. That wasn’t healthy. Yes, he made me a better person so much of the time but that shouldn’t have been up to him. I should have made myself a better person. And now is my chance.
I hate that I have realised so much of this much too late. But I am not giving up hope.
I will do this. Watch me.
Not Quite Made Girl