Dear F, (4)

Today is our anniversary. We were so close to making it. A week off. Instead of being out just toasting a drink to us, being relaxed and happy, I am sat here, regretting my actions so, so much.

A week ago today, I sat there and heard you end it. I couldn’t understand it. Or believe it. I didn’t know where it had come from. I wasn’t expecting it. Only the night before you sat there and said ‘Goodnight, love you’. Even that day you messaged me saying ‘Hey baby’. You put x’s at the end. I didn’t guess anything was up until you said ‘Can I see you tonight? I feel really down 😦 x’. As soon as I read that, you know what my mind jumps to and I immediately thought you were breaking up with me. There was no rhyme or reason as to why I thought this. But it was so out of the blue and you’ve done that before. Why couldn’t you just talk to me. Why couldn’t you have spoken to me on Saturday at the time? Why did you give me such false hope on the Sunday? You woke me up with sex, we had a shower together and you even stressed we needed to look into booking a holiday. What changes in 24 hours? Were your thoughts really that harrowing? Why couldn’t you just speak to me?
Every time we had a dispute you would act okay after. You gave me the impression that all was fine. Why couldn’t you just sit me down and really tell me the truth? The hard hitting truth would have pushed me to change a hell of a lot quicker. Instead you’ve let it build to this. And that hurts. It hurts because I was under the impression that we were in love with each other and we were in it together.

I know today marks a year, but it has been longer than a year since you first walked in to my life. I don’t regret going on Tinder and finding you at all. You were the best thing to happen to me. We had so many good times, new experiences and so much love between us. This day last year, we were sat in the sun watching a variety of musicians playing at a pub. I met your parents properly for the first time. You and I even danced together. That day I let myself just be me. That was the real me. The happy, crazy, free me. You brought that out of me.
Our date where we took our first picture together at Crazy Golf, where you were obsessed with the colour of the water! And I even ended up beating you. I think you let me beat you, as you were such a gentleman. I went for dinner at yours that night and had Salmon. I remember you saying that you thought I didn’t like Salmon, but that night I did, I would have eaten anything because I was so honoured to be introduced to your family and eat with them.
We have been to Madame Tussauds, London Aquarium, London Eye, Winter Wonderland together. The amount of pictures I managed to take of you, even though you hated having pictures taken. They are filled with such fun and happiness.
We’ve been to so many gigs together, I have lost count! The films we have seen, the nights we used to go to the pub. How did we lose that?

I love you so much F. I know you said your birthday, I overdid it, but I wanted to. It was your first birthday of us together. I wanted to make it special, because I wanted to show how much you meant to me. How much I loved you. And how special you were. You really deserved all that. And I wouldn’t take it back. I didn’t expect the same. And I am sorry if it made you feel uncomfortable. I didn’t realise it would. I thought I was doing a good thing. But I’ve learnt, there’s other ways to show you I love you.

Looking back, we lost us didn’t we? There was so much going on, that we never got the chance to sit back and relax and remember who we were as a couple. Look at us in the beginning. The first six month. Compared to the last 6 months. We have just both had so much happen in the last six months that we lost us. I got diagnosed, I changed jobs, I was having a bad time at home, I had the shock with my brother. You brought a flat, you weren’t always happy with your job, you fell out with a friend on your birthday, you were starting so many things you were yet to get in to a routine, and then the actual moving.
This is a lot for a couple to take bub. Especially in such a small amount of time. I know it feels a lot and that it does seem longer than 6 months that all that has happened, but it isn’t. It is just 6 months.

I feel things in the last couple of weeks were just starting to settle down. I felt there was a routine coming back. I felt that we had got over the huge speed bumps in the road, and were coming back down to earth. I felt that I was coming to terms with all the changes both on my behalf and yours. I know it seemed there was always something new to add, but there hadn’t. Not really. In the last couple of weeks, nothing new had sprout up apart from you officially moving in to your flat. Of course I got a bit worried about that. I was of course excited as well. A place to ourselves, I could come to yours and not worry about making noise, we could lounge about, snuggle on the sofa and just be us and I had been craving for that space for so long. But I was also worried. I don’t know why, but I felt a slight worry of you living on your own. I was worried you might like being on your own. I was worried you would hate being on your own. I Was worried you wouldn’t enjoy your time there. I was worried about what it meant for you and me and how often I would get to see you there because of the parking and the getting home from work to there.
But that day you broke up with me I had finally got my head around it that day. Just hours earlier. I had bought my railcard cause that would cut a chunk off the rail fare from work. I was excited and was going to message to say if you needed an extra car to help transfer things then I was free all week to help. I fear this was all too late for me to come to terms with it, but sometimes it takes others longer and it did with me.

With regards to my mental health, 6 months is still so new to live with something like that. It isn’t cured over night. But I didn’t help matters. I didn’t help either of us with it, I just played it down. Didn’t want to talk about it when really I should have. I should have spoken to you when I felt funny, even if there was no reason because then you would have understood I wasn’t miserable with you. It was something going on in my head. I am so sorry. I am finally seeking that help and finally going to talk to someone about it, like you said I should have done months ago. I was too stubborn to realise something was wrong. The way I had been brought up told me to have a stiff upper lip. That there was nothing wrong with me. But there was and you saw it. And you tried to help but I couldn’t see it. I See it now and I am getting the help. I won’t downplay it anymore.

As we had so much going on in the last 6 months, we lost us bubs. We lost our evenings at the pub. We enjoyed them so much. I loved just sitting in a pub with you, talking, holding your hand. We lost going to the cinema. We became so busy and in the gaps we did have we felt we needed to do something extravagant all the time. We didn’t need to do that. I just crave our old dates together. I have loved doing all these big and wonderful things, but I miss so much our little dates and where we really get to be us.

The football matches we have gone to together. They have been so fun. I gave up the Boxing Day that I knew for a Boxing Day that you had grown up with and I loved it. It was amazing. I fell in love with the football straight away and your family, there were just amazing, so welcoming and so loving. How lucky was I to get to be a part of that? I loved the football every other Saturday. I loved it when your mum came too. Even if it was freezing, I loved going. You’re so close to the pitch. The way you hear the players shouting at one another. The time you saved me when the ball came flying in our direction. Those were the times. And we were so close to getting to experience that all again.

I have never met someone who is so open with music. I can’t believe how much we have similar tastes. I was lucky that I could go to all these gigs with my boyfriend, and he enjoyed them as well. I love sitting in the car with you, with Absolute radio on and you just singing along to every old tune that comes on you. Your questioning of my knowledge on them. I never seemed to know the band, but it was great fun anyway. The Rhianna song, the way you used to point at the ‘You’ bit. You had me in fits with it.

There were so many good times bub, but the last 6 months, stress and anxiety and worry just got the better of us. We let it win. The big changes happening, they may not seem big to you but they were to me. I struggled to get my head around things. This was my first relationship that I felt I was with the one. The one I truly loved that’s why I shared so much with you. You shared so much with you, hell only on Saturday night you shared something so personal with me, I felt so honoured you trusted me and I respected you for that. I loved that you could tell me all that, it can’t have been easy.
But I wasn’t sure what the best behaviour was in a relationship, especially with my mental health. I put so much pressure on myself to make everything perfect because that’s what I believed everyone else had around me. But behind closed doors nothing is perfect and everyone has their struggles. But the pressure I allowed on myself, just ate away at me. I wanted to be perfect for you. I already was in your eyes, but I couldn’t see it. By trying to be perfect, I ruined things. Nothing is perfect and I know that now. I should have just been me, been us, without the need to be perfect. We were perfect, until I tried to push us to be perfect. I’m sorry.

Bubs, we have had so many good times, and I believe there are so many more to come. I needed this hit, this realisation to appreciate what I have and how I can help myself, which in turn helps you. You love me. I love you. We saw a future together. Why can’t that still happen now I realise where I’ve fucked up. Where I need to change. I am changing. And I am working on myself. I realise the need for simplicity and to just embrace the moment and be happy.  I am feeling more positive within myself. But I want to know I am not only doing this for me. That you see my efforts. That there’s a chance. I can’t let this be the end of us and our memories. We have too much to fight for.

Happy Non-Anniversary Bub. I am sorry today is the way it is. I would do anything to change it but what has happened has happened.

I love you.





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