Can I just get a round of high fives as yesterday I hit a couple of realisations and I actually achieved such a change in my train of thought, that a few weeks ago, would have been so different. Amazing what a couple of weeks does for you and a bit of drive, hope and determination.
Yesterday, the weather was shocking here. It was like a true winter’s day. It rained all day. It was flooding. It was grey. It was cold. It could have given me so many reasons to recluse within myself a bit and draw back from my positive outlook and go back to my old ways.
Instead, I embraced it! I got soaked on the way to work, but I was smiling. I didn’t care. It was such a minor thing, it wasn’t going to be permanent and I would dry off the second I got to work.
I walked in with a smile and greeted those around me. I feel I am becoming more approachable. I am dropping that barrier that I used to carry. And it is all thanks to being honest with those around me and being honest with myself.
On Tuesday, I finally opened up to those that I work with. I may have over shared a bit too much, but it helped. I got other opinions, other views, other people’s advice which is so different to that of those that I normally surround myself with, such as friends outside of work and my parents.
I had a good chat with my manager about my situation. She was becoming worried about me and when I let it slip that F had ended things because of my behaviour, she made time to catch up with me that afternoon.
And it was honestly the best conversation I have had. It has really given me that kick up the bum. The positivity. The hope. It has given me such an outlook on my life and how I was doing things wrong. It became so clear, that I just didn’t love myself. I was so uncomfortable with who I was, that even though I had this amazing man in front of me always telling me how gorgeous and perfect I was, I wasn’t happy with myself because of my own insecurities. I didn’t believe what F was telling me. Although, hr made me feel so special so much of the time and made me feel like a goddess, I would always return to feeling like a lump. Unattractive. Because I couldn’t see what he saw.
I loved indulging in food around F, and I felt so comfortable to do that, that it just came naturally. I allowed myself to show my piggy side to him. But the second I did it, I instantly hated myself.
If I ate a spoonful too much, I would suddenly feel obese, I would feel disgusting and horrible and I would retreat into myself. I would become miserable. Tetchy. Defensive. Cold. All because I was enjoying myself and let myself eat a spoonful too much.
I never really realised this but talking it out to people has made me realise my way of thinking wasn’t rational. It wasn’t normal or healthy. I have a problem. I don’t see myself the way others see me. I have let my eating order dictate to me for too long.
Alongside this realisation, I also, realised my depression and anxiety aren’t a standalone. In fact, they are a direct cause of something else. At first I thought it was an eating disorder that started it because I still had an image of the chubby 13 year self in my head and I wasn’t eating healthily or properly and wasn’t getting a balanced diet.
However, after a bit of research I think body dysmorphia is something that I may have and in turn that led to my eating disorders and then to my anxiety and depression. I have read an article on a professional website about Body Dysmorphic Disorder, and decided to do a post about it (Will post later).
So, yes, new high hit! I now know what I need help with, know what it is that has caused me these years of hell inside my brain and caused me to be so up and down. With the right help, I can get that under control and learn to be me and love myself. I need to realise, I have so much going for me, after all that’s all I’ve been told the past couple of weeks and even years! But more so the last couple of weeks. That has been coming from people who I don’t socialise with really outside of work, who I wouldn’t necessarily consider a friend, more of an acquiantance, those who don’t really have to say anything nice or help, but have, even though we aren’t close. And that’s what has opened my eyes.
People who I have only known a few months are willing to convince me that I am young, that I have a lot going for me, that I should love myself, that it’s okay to ask for help, that they will keep checking up on me. That they do care, these strangets. That I am worth it.
I need to believe F for all those times he said I was gorgeous and perfect and stunning. I need to listen. I need to see it. And through this I need to be honest about what I’m thinking and feeling.
I have kept my eating habits and that side of things very under wraps and never told the doctor. I wish I had, because this could have been sorted out a lot sooner without a lot less carnage and hurt! But I am doing it now and that’s what matters. I am taking control. I will love myself!
Another update: I was meant to see F last night to collect my Blu ray player from him. However, as a result of the awful weather, as soon as I got home, I got a message from him saying that the roads were flooding and it was best to do it another night.
UH-OH! This wasn’t good. I know how I normally react to things like that. I normally lose it. I get angry. Feel like I’m worthless. That I am easy to avoid. That I’m not wanted. But also with this situation, there was a chance for me to lose it with F. Swear at him, shout at him, demand to meet, be spiteful. My first reaction to the message was I lightly chucked my phone to the other side of the seat. Oh no, this is where it starts.
BUT straight away, I stopped, breathed and thought about the situation. F was right, the roads were bad, I didn’t feel particularly comfortable driving in that heavy rain for something as little as a Blu Ray player, but at the same time I just wanted to see him. To talk to him. I went upstairs, and I made the decision to call him. I felt so calm, so relaxed and not an ounce of anger towards him at all. And this paid off. We had a phone conversation like old times, for half an hour or so just catching up. Talking about the football, cricket, what we’ve been up to, how we both are, laughing.
We’ve arranged to do another day for the Blu Ray player and there wasn’t a single argument. Why couldn’t it have been like that the previous months? Why did I have to jump to such conclusions all the time and take it out on F, just because I wasn’t secure in myself? It’s ridiculous isn’t it? I’ve lost the love of my life because of something I didn’t realise what I was doing.
BUT, positivity Roz is here, I have noticed now and things can change. I can change this outcome.
I’ve also signed up for a lot more things at work. I am putting myself out there. Getting out of my comfort zone. Socialising in situations that I normally wouldn’t feel comfortable in, but I need to do this. I need to realise I have a life. I need to do things. I can’t be a recluse and expect things to come to me or things to change. I need to prove myself, and I will.
Phew, what a long winded update, but how good is it?!
This morning at work, my laptop greeted me with the perfect quote and one I am currently living by: “Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you’ll start having positive results” – Willie Nelson
Thanks Willie for your advice, and I look forward to the results 🙂
Not Quite Made Girl