Dear F, (5)

This weekend I have gone through the emotions over you and I’ve come to a lot of hard hitting truths as well. I think I loved you too much. I idolised you. I worshipped you. You couldn’t do a single thing wrong in my eyes. I could never see another side to you. I thought you were perfect. But you weren’t, were you? You weren’t all that? You weren’t everything I thought or made you out to be.

I’ve been so quick to blame myself. That I’m the one that needs to change. I’m the one who has caused all this. I’m the one who is at fault. But it isn’t just me. It takes two to tango as they say. Yes, i have things to work on but this isn’t solely my fault. Thanks to my aunt and my friends for helping me to highlight this.

You were just never on my side. You didn’t support me. You didn’t help me. You didn’t have my best interests at heart. You didn’t put me first. Ever. I came second to everyone. And I accepted that. But I shouldn’t have. That’s not how relationships work. I always put you first. Always supported you. Always tried to make you feel better. Yet, when it came to me, you always believed it was self inflicted. Every time i complained of a bad tummy, despite having IBS, you just always put it down to stress or worry, even though I’d sit there and tell you that I was happy, without stress, you just wouldn’t let me feel unwell. You never seemed to believe me that I was unwell. Just because I didn’t continuously go on about it, you just simply dismissed me every time. You never checked on me. You didn’t care. But F, my tummy pains are bad. It might not be to the extent of yours or those with other similar tummy illnesses. But although I haven’t had a full diagnosis, it hurts F. The pain i feel at times. The numbness. The cramps. The bloating. The sharp pains. The constant fear of being near a toilet. It is real F, i just played it down because I didn’t have a title for it nor could it be diagnosed. But i wasn’t well at all at times with it. Maybe I should have showed that side more. I tried to that morning of the Saturday before we broke up. But you shrugged it off as nothing. I wish you could have felt my pain. Then maybe it would have been easier to understand.
The same happened when I had issues with friends. Somehow it was always my fault. I was the one who being unfair. I wasn’t seeing the other person sides. Yet, when others you knew had issues with their friends, you sympathised with them. You were quick to understand their situation. Even though we were going through the same thing, you never took my side.

We’ve been brought up so differently. I get that and I realise that now. But that’s not a bad thing. I think that should be taken as a positive. Something we can learn from. I admit, I over did it in your birthday. But that’s how my family do birthdays. It’s our chance to show that person that we do love them and appreciate them. But F, I didn’t mean to freak you out with it. But, as my auntie pointed out, that’s just how me and my family do birthdays for those that we love. I learnt from your reaction that it was too much and I never intended to plan anything that extravagant again. Maybe you panicked and thought that I was going to go over the top for our anniversary. Maybe the thought overwhelmed you and it scared you. I’m sorry if it did. But all I had planned was going for a drink.
You didn’t get celebrations the way I did. You didn’t realise just how hurtful it was when you forgot my Graduation last year. I spoke about it non stop for a couple of weeks. And you showed virtually any interest. So I stopped talking about it. I didn’t want to have to remind you on the day. However, it turned out to be my fault when you forgot. It was my fault because I didn’t drop you a message that morning because I was too busy doing my own thing. It was my fault you forgot. It was me who got the blame. But I accepted that. I still do in a way. I should have just reminded you but at the same time you should have shown a bit more interest and remembered. It was a big deal for me my graduation. You might not have thought the same but that’s just the thing you do when you’re dating someone.

A lot of things were my fault. I hold my hand up. I confess I wasn’t easy but you didn’t try to help. You didn’t try to understand. You didn’t try to ease the pain I felt at times. You took it all so personally. You expected me to be happy all the time. Every second of he day. I wasn’t allowed to be stressed or over react to a situation. You always frowned upon that. You didn’t like when I sat there in silence. You didn’t like it when I was down. Stressed. Worried. Or a bit distance. You had to turn it round. You had to take it personally. You had to become the victim. You had to be the one upset and hurt. You said you wanted to help. You said you wanted to understand my situation. But you didn’t try. You completely ignored any advice I gave you with how to take my lows. You ignored my best friend’s hand offering you help. You ignored the book I gave you. Instead, you took it upon yourself and took it as criticism against you. You said you cared. But did you? Did you care enough to research it? Did you care enough to understand? Did you care enough to just love me in those moment? To just hold me and hug me like I always asked you to do? Just to stop being stubborn and being the victim and just think about me? That’s all those moments needed. Instead it was always me who was at fault. Always me causing the situation. Always causing the arguments to start. Maybe if you hadn’t over thought my silence at times it wouldn’t have led to such disputes. If only you loved me as much as you say you did to care. To listen.

You always had to be right, didn’t you F?! The amount of times I would say how annoying you were that you were always right. The laughs we had about it. The disputes. But sometimes you pushed being right too far. Yes, you were right a lot of the time. You’re intelligent. You’ve got a lot of knowledge. So yes, you were right a lot. But sometimes, you should have just step down and taken a defeat. Instead you let it lead on to the arguments and the bickering because you couldn’t do it gracefully. You belittled me at times. You made me feel stupid and small. So I had to stick up for myself. That’s why the arguments happened.
You never let yourself show emotion. You were so void of emotion. Any show of love was too much for you. Even just buying a girlfriend card was too much for you. You think showing emotion is a sign of weakness. And I know exactly why you think like that, but I’m not going to write about it on here. You think you can control a lot of things but sometimes in life you can’t. Your thought was always so direct and rational. You would see things as a+b=c when in reality it wasn’t that simple. That’s why you didn’t try to understand my lows because you just thought it was a simple worry I had that could be fixed by spending time with you which would make me happy. But it wasn’t that direct. Instead I just felt low. But you couldn’t understand that because it wasn’t rational. It was too much emotion. It wasn’t how you thought. So you brushed it under. You ignored it and thought it would go away. There isn’t anything wrong with showing emotion. There isn’t anything wrong with showing weakness. It doesn’t change who you are. It just makes you human.

You took on so much these last few months personally for yourself. You started new things, you started buying a property, you weren’t happy with your job. You had a lot of stress. Your illness wasn’t great. You were changing tablets with that. You had a lot on. As did I. But like my mental Heath, stress doesn’t help your illness. Those I’ve spoken to have great knowledge of your illness as they have it or have friends with it and the worst thing for it is stress. And taking too much on. You did exactly that. You were never sat still. This is why you were tired all the time. You had the stress with the house, the sports, work, the illness flaring up and of course me. You had so much responsibility all over the place, at home, at work, in your extra activities. Now, I know I wasn’t always easy to deal with but I wasn’t the sole reason. You took too much on in such a little space of time. It affects your moods. You have up and downs and I saw that a lot in you. I was too scared to mention it to you because you couldn’t ever see things that way. It was a sign of weakness to you. But that’s a side effect of the illness apparently. It does create those feelings when you are overwhelmed. I guess I was the easiest thing to dispose off. To get rid off some stress even though I gave you far more joy. I was disposable. Apart from love there wasn’t much else tying us together. I wasn’t family. I wasn’t the flat you were buying and had invested money in. I wasn’t your work that you had for years. I wasn’t the sports that kept you in shape and encouraged to do by those around you. I had no one fighting my corner to you. I was just seen as something on the side. Something that could be thrown away. So I was the first to go. But you still have taken too much on and it will catch-up with you and I unfortunately won’t be there to help you.

I love you F despite all these things. I loved you with all I had. I gave you my all. I showed you every side of me because I loved you. To this day I still defend you in all the above situations. I still blame myself and say I need to change. That I caused this. But I’m also starting to realise it takes two. It wasn’t just me. I did so much right. I did so much good. But you didn’t want to remember those. You didn’t relish those moments I suppose. You say I’m negative and a pessimist but at least I remember good times. At least I always looked on the brighter side of situations. At least I always saw the good in you. I put you on that pedestal. I was always there for you. I made myself unhappy at times in order to make you happy. I made your interests mine. I made myself so open and available to you. I always listened. I let you live your life. I supported every aspect of your life. Yes, at times I found it difficult to adjust but I would always come round and I would always be the one championing you on until the end. I still am. I’m still so proud of you and your new flat. I’m excited for you to move in there. I’m sad I won’t be part of the plans like we thought but I’m still so happy for you. Despite all this. Whether you can see it or not, I know I have been a lot more excited and proud of you than a lot of people around you. I knew what I felt inside and I knew I had my ways of showing it. I’m sorry you felt that that Saturday I wasn’t excited for you but I know I was. And I knew I would have shown my excitement that evening, snuggled in bed and tell you how exciting it was to have our own space and how you had your own set up. I knew I would have done that but you just jumped the gun and expected it straight away.

I’m sorry you came to the decision you did. But you won’t get someone who loved you as much as I did. You won’t get someone who will show such interest in what you say and do. You won’t get someone let you do as much as you did with me. You wont get someone who is so easygoing and of little demand. You won’t get someone who is so full of love as I was. And I’m sorry that I wasn’t enough for you. I’m sorry you proved everyone right. I’m sorry that everything became so personal. I’m sorry that you felt love wasn’t enough to see us through. It would have been. You just gave up too early. I’m sorry you gave up at the first hurdle. I’m sorry I wasn’t worth the fight. I’m sorry I still love you. I m sorry I still think you’re perfect. Im sorry that no one was fighting my side to you. Im sorry you couldn’t try to understand. Im sorry that you are so easily influenced at times. I’m sorry that I still wouldn’t change a thing about you. I’m sorry that I still want to change and believe I am. I’m sorry you can’t see that. I’m sorry that you can so easily dismiss our plans for the future. I’m sorry that I never really meant a lot to you. I’m sorry that I was me. I’m sorry we won’t have our future. I’m sorry so many happy times will be missed. I’m sorry I wasn’t perfect. I’m sorry.

Siggy

xx

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