Messy in the middle and gorgeous at the end – Robin Sharma
Change (verb) : to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone; to become different; to become altered or modified (dictionary.com)
whether you’re after a quote or a definition about change, it is pretty easy to come by. There’s a whole array of quotes about how a person or a situation can change. They make it seem feasible. Within your reach. That it is an attainable goal. Physically, yes it may be easy. I mean it’s on the outside. The change shows. You can see the change. Others can see it. There’s often so much more available to help you change on the outside. But is it really just as easy as to change oneself mentally as it is physically. Can people really change?
I believe they can and here’s why. I feel like in a way, I am a living, breathing, in actual transition of a person changing mentally. It all starts with a trigger. A catalyst. Something that makes you become so aware that you need to make a change. And for me that was F breaking up with me.
Before this trigger, I had stated and ‘promised’ so many times that I would change. And I generally did believe that I could change. However, I thought it would be a change that would be imminent. At the click of the fingers. A change that would be so easy to reach because I thought just having the idea that I wanted to change was enough. Yet, I didn’t change. The same thing kept happening. And each time it happened I never took the blame. I blamed the situation. Those around me. My job. Bad luck. Bad timing. I was in complete denial that I was the one to blame. That I was the one behind the trouble caused. That my behaviour was the reason. How can I change when I wasn’t ready to admit my own wrong doings?
After a situation that caused the argument had passed, I’d come to a bit of a conclusion that maybe I was the reason? That I had done something wrong? That the way I acted was simply my fault. My problem. And the reason for the bad sitaution. When I had these epiphanies, I’d go running to F and tell him that I was going to change. I’d be all excited and full of life. Telling him I had planned a path of change and that I was 100% motivated because I was now aware that I was the one behaving a certain way. Yet, despite all this, I never changed? I never stuck to my word. Why? Because it was heat of the moment. It was a casual commitment. It wasn’t whole hearted because I don’t think I generally was the reason behind all the bad. I thought what’s the worse that’s going to happen if I don’t change? Another argument? So what, I’d still have F and we’d make up and be fine a few hours later. I lacked the awareness. Lacked the commitment. Lacked the reason to Change.
But as we all know, I reached one argument too many with F and that was it. That was my spur for change. Not just for him. Not just for our relationship. But I became so awake to the fact that I was making myself unhappy. I wasn’t me anymore. I was hurting those around me. I lost my principles. I lost my way of life. I needed to change.
And that night, as my best friend slept next to me and my parents had bid me goodnight, I sat there and I promised myself that I would change and I made a pledge to see it through. I had the awareness. The catalyst. And more importantly ideas and methods to help me change. I didn’t need to rely on support for help. I was my own drive. That and F. I was changing for myself. No one else. I was changing to make a better me. I was no longer under the illusion that if I carried on the way I did, that everything would be fine.
Now please don’t think I’m under the impression that it would be easy. That I wouldn’t have days where I thought I would crack. But something in me was different. I knew I needed to put a lot of work into, it would be messy and hard and hurt so much but I wanted this change so much. I wanted the glorious ending. I wanted to be happy. I was fed up of being cold. Distance. Miserable. Lack of confidence. Timid. Shy. Up and down. Moody. Rude. Hurtful. Selfish. That wasn’t me. It never has been. I used to be confident. Happy. Laughing. Friendly. Popular. And these were my drives. I didn’t want to let myself down anymore. I was frustrated with myself. My behaviour. I hated who I was becoming. I wasn’t any fun anymore. I was depressing. Boring. Dull. That’s not me!
I now had a reason to change. I wasn’t happy with who I was. I no longer had the love of my life. I no longer had the future I envisaged for myself. I had lost my best friend. My soul mate all because of my behaviour and my refusal to see that it was me. That I was the only one who could change this outcome.
So I had my reason and I was now very aware what I needed to do. I knew it was going to take a lot of self-discipline and hard work and I was really going to have to stick with it. I couldn’t let myself keep getting away with the wobbles and blame it on the situations going on around me. When these wobbles would hit I would need to sit there and just think so hard about the situation and whether I would allow myself to deteriorate and give up. Or no matter how much it hurts and how hard it was, I was going to tackle it there and then and get myself out of the situation. I needed to stick to my beliefs and show that in my actions. It was time to kick the excuses to the kerb and change.
So, I’m now two weeks into the change. It hasn’t been easy I’ll say that! But I didn’t feel much resistance from myself or as much as I thought I would. I thought I would try it for a few days and then my temper, my moods and my excuses would just win. I thought I’d give up. I thought the hurt and the pain would just make me resort to my old ways and habits. But if anything, that hurt has been my biggest driver for me through these couple of weeks. I’ve been so low at times and felt like giving up but I haven’t. I’ve let myself have that cry if I need it in my own privacy, and just show the rest of the world that I am strong, that I am positive and that I can do this. I can change my habits. I can change my way of thinking. I can change from a pessimist to an optimist. I can use a positive outlook to change. If you put a positive spin on things you’ll get positive results as said in a famous quote: if you want to get positive results you have to refuse to think negative thoughts by substituting them with constructive ones. When you develop a positive attitude toward life, your life will start having a positive result.
I’ve viewed my break up with F with a positive outlook: yes it hurts, yes I’m broken, but I can either let it destroy me and prove him right or I can overcome it and use it as my catalyst for change and show him, everyone else and more importantly myself that I can be happy, positive and learn to control my behaviour.
Yes, it was hard at the beginning, and it is rather messy at the moment as I’m learning to adjust and trying new techniques but I know the results will be gorgeous at the end, and it’ll be thanks to me and my new found positive attitude to change.
Not Quite Made Girl