Dear F, (6)

I don’t know why I’m still writing these letters to you especially as we have had the odd conversation here and there through whatsapp. I suppose there’s so much I still don’t understand and I find it easier to comprehend writing it down in a letter to you.

Thank you. I’ve finally realised why you did this. Why you cause this hurt. I’ve finally come to terms with it and I’ve put it towards so much good. I’ve finally learnt how to turn hurt and bad into something positive and helpful and I think that’s what you always wanted me to achieve. So thank you, I finally am learning.

I’ve done so much these past three weeks F. I think you’d be so proud of me and so happy for me. If only you could see how generally smiley and perky I am at times. In situations that I used to hate but now thrive in. How I’m dealing with my thoughts and behaviours. How I’m learning to believe and accept I’m responsible for my behaviour and that I’m the only who is capable of changing that.

I’ve been socialising so much. I’m so much friendlier. I feel more approachable.  I even speak to people on train journeys now. I’m asking questions. I’m showing interest in people. I’m no longer running home from work to message you or to see you. I’m doing me for a while and it’s paying off.

I’ve gone drinking with work this week. Played fun drinking games. A shot roulette. You would have cringed at the shot I got bought and been almost sick at what I bought the person after me: whiskey, aperol and milk! I know, it’s disgusting but it was such a pretty colour, even if it did curdle.

People at work have been open with me. They said I’ve always been so positive. That I always seem so perky. Some of them hadn’t even realised that I’d been dumped and was heart broken. They said I’m always so happy and positive. How polite I am. See F, I am a good person.  I can be positive and I can be happy. I’m sorry I just lost that with you and found it harder to hard from you. But I’m learning not to hide it any more. I’ve told some people at work about my anxiety and depression and although they were shocked they didn’t judge me. And I feel such a weight off my shoulders. I feel I can finally be open about everything. I don’t have to hide it and burden it on the select few I choose. I can relieve that and just say I’m having a shit day and not worry about hiding it. No more turning to You, or my parents or Bee, and making you all miserable with me. Instead I can just be vocal and lose myself in conversation and socialising at work as they all seem so keen to keep me involved with things and help.

Sorry it took so long for me to relieve your pressure. But things had to change from my perspective before anything else could change and as I wrote in my blog about change, I’m finally there. I’m finally embracing change.

I went to St. Neots this weekend. I bit the bullet and travelled up there despite my anxiety trying to win. I went even though I was worried about Bee’s friend who moaned about me on twitter. I went even though I didn’t want to do the train journey up there. I went, even though I felt I couldn’t. Not when I was meant to have been going to Orient vs Woking away with you and your friends. But I did it! I went with very little issue and resistance and I had fun! I saw the Dragon boat races, tried the dresses on and had a fun, girly evening with my bestie and the other girls with bottles of prosecco and cards against humanity! I forgot I needed to do these kind of things. I forgot to socialise. I forgot the importance of keeping my friendships. I’m sorry I  became so reliant on you. I’m sorry.

I’m happier F, not because we’re not together but because I’ve realised I am my own person and can be okay! I’m not all bad. I just need to be more open and honest and learn to say yes more.

However, I have a slight niggle. It’s not helping me. I appreciate you sending me messages and hearing from you but please don’t when you know that you were the one to end it. You were the one who never saw a future. You’ve got to stop giving me that belief. That little ray of hope of returning to normality with you. Because I can’t do that as friends. I could only do that with you if there was a chance of a future. There was too much there for me between us to just pretend to be friends. It hurts more than not talking to you.

Why do you message? Why do you keep the conversation going? Please, just stop. It’s not helping. Please don’t like my Instagram photos either. I don’t need your likes nor do I want them anymore. I don’t want your pitty on a photo that only got a couple of likes. You’re not interested in my life F. You’re not interested me. So why do it?

I wish so much that you did all that because you still liked me. That you still saw a future for us. But I’m facing reality and facts and know that you have no intention of that. So please, don’t. Unless I’m wrong? But I doubt that. I never was right when it came to anything between us. You always were right. Haha.

Thank you, but no thank you bubs. I can’t keep facing the disappointment and wondering.

But look F, I’m living.  I’m coping. I’m surviving and I’m doing it just fine. I miss you so much. And I crave your touch. Your hug. Your kiss and your love. But I’m getting by and I’m changing and that’s all I can keep doing for now. I just wish you could see it for yourself F, I think you’d love this other version of me so much more.

Siggy

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