Some days you just wake up and know it is going to be a weird day, and today that was one of those for me.
I got very little sleep the previous night. I wasn’t worrying about anything or too hot or uncomfortable, I just couldn’t drop off.
This morning came far too soon and my alarm was bleeping at me to get up before I knew it.
Today was the day of my hospital visit. For those that read my blog often, you will know that in my first progress update, I mentioned that I booked a Doctor’s appointment for three week times (that was the soonest I could get one) because I finally came to the realisation that I wasn’t alright. I struggled with my self image and with food. Doc was great and listened away to me far longer than he needed to and he understood. The most important thing for him to do first was to ensure that my eating disorders hadn’t damaged me physically and then his next priority is to deal with me mentally and see what help I can get for that. He has referred me to Talking Therapies again, so I will try that path once more now I know what I need to sort out.
Bulimia, I never realised, has a lot more strain on your body. The obvious one is the damage on the teeth because of the high acid content in vomit causes enamel erosion, tooth sensitivity, and gum disease. It can also damage the esophagus, even tear it or rupture it.
It also has an affect of the stomach. It can cause ulcers. Damages the intestines which causes irregular bowel movements, bloating, diarrhoea and constipation.
The biggest one is the heart. Apparently it affects the electrolytes (the minerals and salts, particularly potassium, magnesium and sodium) in your body and throws them off balance which puts a strain on muscles and makes them weak. As the heart is one big muscle this is a problem. It can cause irregular heartbeat and weakened heart muscles and if it is left too long, it can result in heart failure and even death.
A lack of potassium is actually rather dangerous, which I never knew. Potassium is important for the heart as it helps regulates it. With low potassium you can experience chest pains, pins and needless and muscle cramps in the lower limbs.
It also causes circulatory problems because of dehydration, such such low blood pressure, weak pulse and anaemia. It also affects your hair, skin and nails because of dehydration.
As well as physical, it is a mental health disorder and it can trigger depression and anxiety as well as Obsessive Compulsive behaviours. A lack of vitamins and the obsessive behaviours such as monitoring of food and weight can also cause moodiness and irritability.
The side effects are horrific and I do regret getting into this behaviour. Although I have read these effects over and over again, and even experienced a majority of them, I can’t stop myself from coming home and eating to fill that hole in me. That addiction. That need.
Today, I had my chest x-ray, ECG and blood tests to see the effects that bulimia has caused on me. It all went well and was quite an experience as I hadn’t had the first two before. An ECG was a bit bizarre and super quick. I felt I spent more time topless today than fully clothed!
My blood test seemed to never end. I have had a few in the past as I was diagnosed as being anaemic a few backs when I was very, very thin. So I am used to having them. However, today, I had to have about 5 tubes of blood taken. I’m normally absolutely fine with needles, blood, the whole lot. Hospitals don’t scare me, nor do nurses or doctors, and I don’t mind watching the clever contraption that stops the blood flow whilst the nurse changes tubes. Half way through, the nurse asked if I was okay and I was a bit taken aback. I felt absolutely fine and was watching what she was doing. Admiring the hard work of finding a vein and piercing it. After she took the five, she insisted that I had a drink after as it was more than normal for them to take. I got up and saw my Mum in the waiting room, still feeling fine. My Mum had to pop a ticket back and that was when it hit hard. I felt nauseous, hot, clammy, and weird. My Mum said I was white as a sheet. And I just blanked out. Apparently I locked up and was just dead weight. My poor Mum had to try and carry me to a chair. It’s weird because I don’t remember any of this and if anything I felt like I wasn’t in my own body. It was weird.
I hadn’t felt right all day before that. I felt weird. Not normal. I can’t pinpoint what is wrong, but I just know something is different inside me. And it’s worrying me.
I’ve also been a bit spacey in my head today. I haven’t felt any emotion really. Not happy, not sad, just numb. I feel smothered. I feel like I am suffocating a bit. Drowning in my own body. It’s weird. I think I am just tired. I hope I am just tired.
I am trying to brush this under the rug and maintain the happiness that I have shown the last couple of weeks. This feeling isn’t sticking around.
I’ve got my warm milk with vanilla and honey (yes, I know, I am like a 70 year old woman), RuPaul’s Drag Race (netflix) and my bed, and an earylish night planned. This feeling is being kicked to the kerb.
I hoped the update was worth the read.
I will try and be more witty in future posts and less dull, but right now this is me. This is my life and my journey and I want to be as honest and brutal as I can be about it. I want to help others. I want to hear your stories. I want to stop others from living a life with an eating disorder and having to wait until they lose the one person they love to change their habits. I want to be that help that they can turn to without judgement and know they’re not alone. I want to be the proof that you can break the habit, it won’t be easy and every journey is different, but we are in control of the ending and it is up to us to change it.
Night you beauts.
Not Quite Made Girl