Well howdy there y’all! Have I got an update for you or what?! I was a bit ant in the pants ish all day yesterday, in anticipation of how my actions and decisions yesterday would affect how this progress update blog would go. It was going to be either all doom and gloom (I know, I know, I have had enough of the misery and the sadness too!) or everything is coming up roses kind of blog. And guess what it is… (drum roll please…) COMING UP ROSES! 🌹🌹🌹
Awh, cheers guys, appreciate the fist pumping and hand celebrations that I’m sure you’re all re-enacting from the above 😉 No, in all seriousness, to those that have stuck around the boring lows and the same monotonous subject of F, I really appreciate it, and this is finally a blog that shows you my other side!
So, why the happy mood I hear you calling? Or maybe you’re shouting ‘get to the point’ already. Well if you are, the wait is over my friend, the good news is… yesterday I went to a ballet class.
Well that was a bit of anti climax for y’all, sorry, but for me this was a huge thing to do and such a huge step in a positive direction of change. Why? Well, let me explain.
When I was a wee child, I did ballet, like a lot of young children, many who are coaxed in to doing it by their parents, but me, I loved it. Ballet for me, even at the age of 8 was my heaven, it was my thing. It was something I could lose myself in. It was something that at the time I excelled in.
Unfortunately, due to my Dad being made redundant and us having to move country, we could not afford my ballet lessons anymore. I was distraught at the time, I still am to this day. Ballet was a career I wanted. I was good at it. I was about to go on pointe within the year which was quite advanced for the age I was, but I never got there. I never made my dream of being a ballerine come true.
Anyway enough soppy background story (this isn’t a reality TV competition…), back to why this is huge for me.
For years, I have been saying I want to join ballet classes again but something always stopped me. First, the money, then my anxiety and then dating F. But as I keep saying the whole break up with F was my, (go on you know the answer, shout it out) catalyst for change. Very good, you are reading the blogs.
I got the easy step out of the way a month or so ago, the actual inquiring. A quick email to a stranger that I may never meet was simple. The hard bit was going to be actually going to the class. And that just so happened to be last night.
I hadn’t slept a wink the night before, I had too much going on in my head. I was over thinking so much stuff and the main topic was my ballet class. I kept asking myself the same questions, how do I get there? Will there be parking? How many people will be there? Will be over or under dressed? How do I pay? Do they take card or cash? Will I find the entrance okay? Will I walk into the wrong class? How badly will I dance? I kept enacting how I’d say what class I was there for and how to pay in my head. I kept going over the route there, and all the possible things that could go wrong.
Yes, welcome to a brain with anxiety. There’s the worries that every one faces, and then there’s this. It consumes you. Consumes all of you. It’s exhausting and there’s never any answers to the questions and there’s never a good thing that can come out of what you have to do when you over think it in your head all night.
I was so tempted to cancel. Just not turn up. I wasn’t booked in. No one knew I was meant to be going. I wouldn’t be letting a anyone down. But the reality was, if I didn’t go I would be letting myself down and not allowing the change, not doing the things I promised I would do to help myself. If I didn’t go, I was proving to F that he was right, that I can’t change. That drove me to go.
All day at work I was restless, going backwards and forwards on google maps, checking the route over and over. I was constantly checking the dance school website to see if there was anything about parking, the dress code or just anything to put me at ease. But there wasn’t.
8.30pm and my class was done. I had done it! I had conquered such a big thing, i over came the anxiety and the fear and did something for myself because I knew in the end it would be worth it and boy was it! I loved every single second of that class and it brought so many memories of when I was 9/10 and living abroad. It actually reminded me of a time that I was truly happy and care free and I felt that all again in those 4 walls, as I followed the instructor, from stretching, to barre work, to chassés, tangué, pliés and pirouettes. I felt a different person. Free. Happy. Grateful. Excited.
The drive had been fine, the route worked a treat, the parking, well there was loads of it. It was easy to find the reception, I paid with cash and I found the room fine. The three other ladies in the class were welcoming and chatty and the instructor was so full of praise and enthusiasm, it would have been hard not to feel good!
How is this progress?
It’s progress because for months and months I kept insisting I wanted to dance. I watched F do all his sports and training and I never allowed myself to do the same. I felt I always had to keep my days free so when he was free I could see him. I never allowed myself to do anything for m. Just me. I forgot I was an independent person and I had a life, and dreams and plans of my own to live.
I also over came my strong anxiety. It was such a battle and one of the hardest I’ve had to fight. I’ve felt sick all day, my heart has been thumping so hard or skipping a beat through the sheer panic. My legs have gone numb at points and I’ve just wanted to fade away but I sucked it up and did it. I didn’t cancel. I didn’t flake out on plans like I used to only a few months ago. I didn’t throw a tantrum or a hissy fit about not wanting to go. I didn’t get moody with those around me or sit in silence, miserable. I simply bit my tongue and got on with it. For me, this is huge. This as a big middle finger up to anxiety and I’m so fing proud of myself for that. I think I can be, right?
Another change, (I know, they’re coming quick and fast, was going to make a rude joke but not appropriate!) I haven’t had an argument or raised my voice or snap with anyone. Not even my parents. Now this HUGE! I wouldn’t normally go a day without feeling irritated, or aggitated and I would easily lose my patience with those around me. Yet, the last few weeks, I haven’t snapped, haven’t argued and haven’t even felt irritated. I feel so calm.I feel I finally have my temper under control, and I am not as fesity or easily irritated as I was before. I think it would take a lot to make my blood boil now and for me to snap. You can give it a try and see how far you can push me if you like to test? haha. But I am so chuffed with myself. I feel such a different person. I feel lighter. Friendlier. Chirpier. Easy going.
Another progress in changing, no where near as huge as the above, but I’ve also come off social media. I haven’t spent anywhere near as much time as I usually do on it. In fact I’ve only look at instagram and twitter for about 5 mins maximum. I’ve had my phone off for the past few days because I just need to disconnect. I need to concentrate on me. I don’t want to be influenced or side tracked by those around me. I love them but I just need me time, time to gather my own thoughts and work out what is next.
Also, I have a confession, this isn’t solely the only reason I’m avoiding my phone. It’s because of F too. (Oh god I hear you screaming, not him, AGAIN?! Just quickly, I promise 😇) He message me out of the blue last week. I didn’t know how to respond or even if I wanted to, so I left it a day or so whilst I thought about it (actually this is a huge move forward and a big change because I would always drop everything to message F, and i would often write messages without thought because I felt the need to respond. I’d often write before I thought and that wasn’t good). But I stopped myself this time, and I was content with my reply. However, anxiety has kicked in a bit and hasn’t allowed me to turn my phone on. Why did he message me? What was he going to say? Has he got a new girlfriend? Is he dating now? I just don’t want to know. It isn’t going to be anything good, is it. Hence no phone on. But it came at a good time. I have been forcing myself to go on dating websites, just to see what is out there and well, because F did it, I felt I had to because I need to get over this and the idea we could get together in a few months time. So yeah, I have had a few interested but it has become too much. So overwhelming. Some speak to you like you’re an object. Others are so full on. And I just generally don’t think I’m ready. My hearts not in it because I’m continuously thinking they aren’t F.
But we shall end on high: anxiety has been kicked to the kerb when it comes to ballet, I’m taking a much needed detox from social media, I’m calmer, more rational when my anxiety is rife, and most importantly I am the next Darcey Bussel (or maybe more like Jim Carey in his version of The Black Swan?) and living out my ballet dreams and doing it for no one but my 9 year old self. I think that’s enough of a change and progress, don’t you?
Not Quite Made Girl