I have returned! It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I apologise for that. There has been a serve lack of postings, whether it be Progress Updates, Dear F (YAWN!), Tunes or even Reviews. I am sorry, but worry no more, for I am back with a post. I’ll leave it up to you whether you think it is interesting or not.
So here’s my sorry excuse as to my lack of posts: I kind of lost all faith in my blog. I started to doubt my ability to write and how little my blog got read. Yes I boycotted Mad to Made Girl for a week before I told myself to snap out of it and stop being so self absorbed. I never started this blog with the intention for people to read it, I only ever wanted a place where I could write my thoughts and opinions without anyone really knowing who I was and without judgement. It was a space for me to rationalise my thoughts. To think things over. Anonymously. But how lucky am I, I have got followers, I have got people viewing it. It doesn’t matter that it might only be 2 or 3, that’s more than I ever expected and I am grateful for that. So with this kick up the bum to pull myself together, I am back here with a new post.
The past couple of weeks have been a bit of a blur really, like I am not really me. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah! A chance to not be me, and I’ve been grabbing at it with both hands. I don’t really know if I am coming or going half the time, and for the majority of the time that is a good thing. I am going with the flow. It’s like I’ve hit the reset button and I am starting again (hence the title of the blog; don’t you love it when a book you read has the title appear in the actual book?!)
I have done a lot that I wouldn’t normally do. I have put myself out there far more than I ever have before. I am forcing myself out of my comfort zone, to confront my anxiety head on and to just recreate who I am and establish who the ‘real’ me is.
I have done a lot of putting on a smiley, happy front to those around me. I am a firm believer of ‘fake it until you make it’ or in this case, fake it until you feel it. And at times, I am so convinced that I am happy. Really and truly. But at times I find myself feeling low and missing the past. But I have come to learn that there isn’t anything wrong with those lows. I shouldn’t be ashamed of them and try to hide them, because I am only human. It doesn’t mean I am not changing or progressing. I am just finding a healthy balance.
It’s amazing how when you put a positive spin on things, things often work out. I used to be a pessimist. Quite a big one. I would always see the bad in everything and everyone. And I never seemed to get the results I wanted or the outcome I hoped for. But since trying to see the good in all the bad situations I have recently faced, I have found that good does happen and it comes your way. It is just how you want to portray it and use it.
I’ve also put myself back out there. Yes, I am back on the dating scene. Now, I know it seems that I have moved on super quick and it might seem I never loved F, but that isn’t it at all. It was him who made my decision to start dating. He chose to go back on Tinder almost straight away. Where as I have taken time out to myself, I have gathered my thoughts together and worked out who I am as a person. Where I am in life and where I want to go. I have been so rational in my thinking and I am ready to just spend time with other people. Exploring new places. Making new friends and just enjoying life. In reality, I know I am not looking for a relationship nor want to be in one any time soon, I am still very much in love with F, despite the realisations I have come to with our relationship and who he is as a person, but I am in an okay to place to see people again. To have that bit of fun, a bit of romance, the excitement, the outings, the plans, the first times of things. I just want the affection and attention. God that makes me sound so needy, but f*ck it, I do want to feel that butterfly feeling again and that there is someone else out there who wants to spend time with me and go on adventures.
If you want to judge go ahead, but I am happy. I am on a much sturdier path. I am fighting the anxiety and the lows by getting out there, doing things that are so far out of my comfort zone, where I find myself awake all night before panicking about it, and even considering canceling at the last minute because I feel physically sick, but I get through that and go and do it anyway and the feeling when I get home for going out is pure happiness. I feel proud and I feel I am really conquering this on my own.
I have gone out once with someone new. I went to On Blackheath last weekend, with someone I met a week before. And My goodness, the nerves and fear I felt, I can’t explain, it was so something I would never have done. But I had a great time. Such a great time that I am seeing him again tonight. Who knows if anything could develop, I am just having fun, and learning who I am and what my personality really is. I have felt so restricted for the past year, with the continuous need to be perfect, not say what I want, not do the things I want when I want, having to please someone else all the time. I am all about compromise, but there wasn’t any. It’s nice to see that people will listen to me. People are interested in what I have to say and if I suggest something they haven’t heard before, like a band, they look them up, ask for suggestions what to listen to. It’s just nice to feel like I am a human that doesn’t need to be altered and is okay the way they are.
I have restarted my life. Maybe this was my quarter life crisis. Maybe this was all a build up of so many years of struggling with different things and going through different experiences. I needed it though. I needed this to reconnect with me, and start to appreciate myself so much more. I have one life and I can’t take that for granted. I want to live it to the full. I want to experience new things. I want to laugh. I want to be happy. I want to be positive. I want to be someone that people look at and go ‘Oh, she’s a happy person’. I don’t want to be remembered as the sullen, lonely, awkward, flakey, sad person. That isn’t me. This isn’t a change as such it is just me growing into myself. It is me finally accepting who I am and learning to bring out that better side of me that has always been there, she’s just been dormant for the last few years for reasons known and unknown. But she’s resurfaced and I’m keeping hold of her, because I am loving the life I am leading with this side, the things I am experiencing and the happiness and excitement that I am feeling.
Not Quite Made Girl