Dear F, (8)

Thank you. Thank you for ending it with me. I mean it. I’m not bitter. I’m not hateful. In fact I’m joyous. Happy. Excited. I’ve never felt so positive about things and I owe that to you, so thank you.

I haven’t felt like me in years. I don’t know when I stopped being me but it’s been far too long. The girl you were with when you was with me was only half the real me. The girl that was excited at times. The girl who was a bit eccentric. The girl who maybe laughed that little bit too loud. That was the real me. And my goodness has she resurfaced in the past month and a bit.

I have done so much that I wouldn’t have done before; I’m meeting new people, I’m going to places I would never normally go, I’ve started following my dreams and likes, I’ve been sociable, I’ve been smiling and I’ve been laughing. I’m starting to see there’s so much more to life.

I am growing in to myself at long last. I’m burning bridges with my past faster than I ever have before. What’s happened in the past is staying there now. I’m not allowing it to affect me in the present. I don’t deserve the unhappiness. The stress. The worry. And those around me don’t deserve to feel it either. I’m sorry you had to. 

I hope you’re doing well F. I hope you’re exploring new avenues, doing things you’ve wanted to do. Embracing your new home. I hope your happy. And I mean that.

You said to me not so long ago that we weren’t right together. And you were right. In this present day we really can’t be together. We’re not good for one another and I think we both have so much growing up to do. I’m not ready for a relationship. I don’t want the commitment. I don’t want the compromise. I’ve lived my life too much pleasing others and putting them before my own needs. But for the next few months I’m doing my own needs. Following my goals. Trying new things. Being free. Finally learning who I am.

Just because we’re not right now, doesn’t mean I never loved you. I did so much. And still do, F. I still see a future with you down the long line. I still picture us married and taking the kids to see the O’s. I want all that still. But not now or a long, long time. You’re the only one I  saw that with.

But F, here’s to having fun. Doing what we want, when we want and how we want. Here’s to us both being happy.

This will be my last letter to you for a while. I’ve not got anything else to send you except my best wishes. I really wish you well bub.

Until soon.

Siggy x

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