Dear F, (9)

I didn’t expect to find myself writing you another letter. I thought I was coping just fine and felt no loyalty to your nor much love towards you. However, like most things when it comes to you, I was wrong.

I got a text from you just over a week ago after The Wolf Alice gig. I wasn’t expecting that. It threw me off. It has caused me to derail a bit. You saw me there. Yes, I saw you too, but I didn’t feel the need to tell you. I saw you with your friend. But I didn’t look long enough to clock what you were doing. How you were. I didn’t want to. I was there with someone and I was excited and Happy to be with them. But you felt the need to tell me that you saw me. That you were pleased I looked happy. That I was also a deadringer for the lead singer in the band we had both seen that night. Why? Why did you have to do that?

For the past two almost three months, my life hasn’t revolved around you. Yes, there were days where I was crippled at the thought of never getting to love you again and not sharing future memories together, but these days became rarer as I met someone else. I never intended to meet someone. I only joined a dating website because I saw you had done it so quick after you left me. You were moving on. I had to too. I didn’t want to be the ex that was still wallowing months down the line. It just so happened that I got talking to a fellow book worm and well things led on from there. We started meeting up. Going on various different dates. He was treating me like a princess. He had so much respect for me. He was caring. Entertaining. Respectful. Loyal. Understanding. All the things you had trouble with. He treated me so much despite my qualms to being treated this way. It was so different.

It was like us but the other way round, F. Instead of me always spoiling you, it was finally my turn to be a little bit spoilt. To be shown that I am cared for. That I am treasured. That I actually am worthy of being shown a bit of love and that maybe, I do deserve it. I don’t just have to spoil someone to get a bit of appreciation. It should be shown no matter what.

Yet, F, I miss you. I stupidly find myself at the end of the day still wanting you. I have this guy standing there in front of me, who is willing to understand me. Wanting to help. To listen. To care. To treat me and be treated. Wants to share in my joy and my sadness. Takes me for my good and bad. I am so lucky F,  I have found someone who wants to be with me despite my multiple flaws. I have found someone who I could possibly have a future with. I have found someone that I could quite possibly learn to love. But it wasn’t love at first sight. It doesn’t feel like the same love that I felt with you. I still, at times, wish it was you with me in bed. You texting me. You coming to gigs with me. But you took that away from me and it is time I learnt to say goodbye to these wishes and hopes.

I did hope when you first broke up with me that you would change your mind. Realised you made a mistake. That you would be back with me in time for Christmas. Nothing wrong with just taking a break from someone. After all, they say that the heart grows fonder with distance. I guessed it hasn’t. I guess you really are happy and okay with seeing me with someone else. I guess it is time I thought about building a future without you. Start picturing someone else in my future. Someone who no longer has your face.

Siggy

x

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