You know the truth by the way it feels

I think it is time that I wrote about something a bit more positive and upbeat. I know my blog seems so doom and gloom a lot of the time and me ranting and raving but I promise that I do have some good going on and stuff that I do appreciate and value.
So, I mentioned something along this earlier in another post (Dear F, (9) and Dear F, (10)), and I now feel that it is the right time to divulge into it a bit and open up about it. More so because I have found myself in a bit of a dilemma with it. I know, nothing ever seems to be smooth running, or should I say, I don’t like to make it easy for myself! 

Now, pardon me if I have already mentioned this, but I am getting old and my memory isn’t as good as it was when I was a mere 20 year old (despite that only being four years ago!).
Back in September I dove headfirst into the rough sea that is Plenty of Fish. I wrote the embarrassing About Me section and my height, eye colour and basically everything about my life that was apparently necessary for someone to want to talk to me. Before I knew it, my profile was on fire. Now, I am not that attractive and I soon realised that it was full of desperate men who would bite on to any bait that appeared despite what it may be.

So, after several messages invading my inbox, I met a couple of guys, who actually seemed a bit normal (well normal to my standards anyway!).

At first, there was a guy who caught my eye and we spoke for a bit and finally decided to meet up. God I was anxious, but I think I was just so desperate to forget F, and try and cheer myself up that I went to a gig with this person. We ended up having a great time and I was a good girl and home at a reasonable time. We met up a few more times – crazy golf, drinks and food, walk around Greenwich and just simply having a night in watching movies with a takeaway. It was nice company and he was such a laugh at first, but as we kept meeting I felt there wasn’t any conversation and it was, well, very awkward!
I did still have my POF account and I was still active on it – my inbox on a daily basis kept beeping with new weirdos coming my way.
However, there was this tall looking chap, with blonde hair and a cute profile proclaiming he was a very big book worm, tall and interested in Gigs and Theatre – BINGO. That and he had a really cute picture of a dog in a selfie with him and not one of his torso – I know shock horror! We got talking and I am guessing it won’t be any surprise but our conversation was very largely based on books, what we were reading? What we had read? What was our favourite? Our Worst? We got talking about Music – recommending artists to each other, giving each other’s choices a listen. We seemed to really hit it off. I was a bit hesitant because I was still talking to this first guy, but that’s how modern dating works, right? To me it didn’t feel right, but I was going through a break up, I wanted to be a bit of a rebel and I suppose deep down I wanted to feel needed. Just be appreciated. Have that someone to message and talk to.

Anyway, one night I was given free theatre tickets to Motown Musical through work and I was desperate and panicked and invited this second guy, J.  I almost turned round on my way there, I was so scared and worried about socialising and meeting someone new, I felt sick. As much as my brain was telling me to tun around, I found my feet continued walking in the right direction. I arrived at the place and I saw this guy opposite and he looked nothing like his picture – I began to freak out – but I looked to my left and thankfully there was J sat on the bench! It was so, so awkward when we greeted each other, I was fumbling around taking my headphones out, sputtering my words, sweaty hands, heart racing, but we managed to establish we were the right people and walked down the stairs to the cocktail bar.
I really embarrassed myself at this part – we were given the choice of where to sit, and me, well being me, and being incompetent of making a decision I sat in the  worst place possible – on a high stool table right underneath a light! There was such a variety of seating, including comfy sofas, but no I had to choose that one. The waitress even came over and was alarmed at my choice – and offered us to choose to sit somewhere else. Red faced and stuttering, I pointed in the general direction of the sofas and claimed that was where we were going to sit.
With the calamity over and our drinks ordered, conversation just flowed. We just understood each other. Long story short – show was great, even had to do a hand hold during one of the songs because the cast demanded it and a hug goodbye and the evening was over. From that, I slowly lost contact with guy number 1, and became more involved with J. 

Three and a bit months down the line, here we are. Me and J have come along way since that first date at the theatre. We’ve done a lot, explored London, gone to gigs, done a quiz in book shop (big nerd moment), cinema, Ice Skating and a Christmas market. J, is opposite to me in a lot of things, in our beliefs, in our politics, in our view of the world, but it hasn’t really been an issue… until now. But I don’t want this to be a ranty moany blog,  I want to be happy and cheery. So, I shan’t delve too far into that.
Me and J are actually official. It took a while and I am still not sure if that was the right decision. I suppose I should go into this a bit, sorry.
We were laying in bed one night about a month ago and I was just dropping off to sleep when J asked me the dreaded question ‘What are we?’. To me this was a question I didn’t want to hear. I wasn’t ready to become official, or to even consider us an item. I just wanted to go with the flow. I wanted to have fun with someone, a bit of enjoyment, without the labels and the officialness. Safe to say, I froze when he asked. I was actually speechless. I was so panicked and just wanted to leave. I just said I needed to think about it.
I thought about it for a good few days and I kind of pulled myself away from J. I didn’t know what to say, but I was finally honest. I told him I wasn’t ready to have a label, I was still thinking about my ex at times, and I wasn’t ready for a relationship. I told him I liked him and that I was enjoying the time we spent together but a relationship was not what I wanted. Not yet. It wouldn’t have been fair on me or him to throw ourselves into one.
I thought he understood and we were both on the same page and the question wouldn’t arise again, but it did. And boy did it arise at the wrong time! I was meeting him and he was bringing a few friends to Winter Wonderland one Saturday, a couple of weeks ago, because we all wanted to see a performer in the Bavarian Village who is there yearly (he is hilarious – he does karaoke of some amazing songs, he has his own dance moves and everything, he’s just great!) But yes, we went to see him, and a few drinks later, J turned to me when his friends were getting drinks, and asked me to be official. In the moment, I felt in a good place, I was socialising, I was out, laughing, not thinking about F, I hadn’t had much anxiety over the last couple of weeks since being with J, I felt safe, and understood. I still had my very low moments despite how much happiness I had going on around me, but around him, I could just feel ‘normal’ for a few hours. I said yes to being official.
I generally thought that was what I wanted. I felt myself feel happy. I had a smile on my face. And I was excited. BUT… a few weeks later and I am regretting my decision so much. I feel I have got myself in such a huge hole. I don’t feel that I am into him that much anymore. I don’t want the conversations we have. We don’t have a lot in common apart from books, even then we like complete different genres. He is very opinionated whereas I am more go with the flow, and listen to others, instead of voicing what I think. He likes to always be on the go, out exploring whereas some days I struggle to get out of bed. He always corrects me, and he always out does any bit of knowledge I have. At times, I feel quite stupid around him. I never noticed these things before, but since we became official  I have really gone off him. Maybe it is psychological. Maybe having the title has put so much pressure on me. Maybe it’s because I have felt so low the past month or so that I am losing the interest in socialising, in talking to people, in going out. I just want my own company. I want to be able to feel low. I don’t have the energy to keep hiding it. Especially from someone who I am meant to be going out with.
I mean, I could tell him about my depression. He would understand. His sister has a similar situation. Although he is convinced hers isn’t genuine. But that’s not for me to comment on. I think he would understand, anyway. But after how my doctor has reacted to my whole situation and how F handled it, I am so reluctant to tell anyone else. I don’t trust anyone to not walk away once they know. I don’t trust anyone to not judge me, not tell others, or to not treat me differently.
I don’t know what has happened the last couple of weeks with me and J. But I am really not into us at the moment. I now have to spend 4 days with him in Edinburgh over New Year’s, and I am dreading it. I can’t fake how I feel. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I have been off with him. My conversation has dwindled with him. I think it’s because I am realising he isn’t F. He isn’t anything like F. I think I am realising, that I am still very much in love with F, and I am not ready to move on. If anything, I want F back more than ever. I want him by my side at New Year’s. I want my future with him. I want what we had. J simply isn’t F. And that isn’t J’s fault. J is so lovely – he is caring, he listens, he remembers things, he is a gentleman – he holds doors open, he offers to pay for so much, even though I always decline, he is always checking I am okay, he is always doing things to make me laugh, he is just amazing. I so want to like him, but I just can’t. Not now.
So, yes, once again I find myself in a very sticky situation, woop! I know, I am a bitch for doing this. I am horrible for the way I am being with him. I know I need to speak to him – I need to be honest, but who does that at Christmas and The New Year? Maybe spending a few days with him, will change my mind. If it does, great. If it doesn’t, then I am going to have to do something I have never done before – end the relationship with him. Even writing that has me breaking out in a sweat and clamming up. God help me! What a mess.
Definitely Not Quite Made Girl
x
P.S. Sorry, it wasn’t that upbeat in the end!
jamez-picard-356760
Photo by Jamez Picard on Unsplash
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