It’s that time of year. The time to reflect back on the past 12 months, the last 365 days, all 8760 hours of it!
What a year this has been. I think it has been the worst and best year of my life. What an oxymoron.
This year started off as a tough one for my mental health. I knew things weren’t always right with me, mentally and I suffered such lows and panic but I never really had anyone to talk to about it and despite my many cries of help over the years, no one reached out to me and offered me a hand,
So, unfortunately this year it all just came too much for me to handle anymore. I was getting worse and all it took was for a flight back from such an amazing holiday with F, for things to come to a head. The panic attack was the start of it – it led to being signed off work for months, going to CBT, trying different tablets and for those around me to try and learn a little about mental health.
During these months, I really withdrew from myself. I was miserable. I was hard to be around. I would snap at the slightest thing. My moods were all over the place. I wasn’t fun to be around. I was hard work. I lost a lot of friendships in this time and little did I recognise it at the time, but I was pushing F away.
As I am reflecting, I won’t hold back. I wanted to die. I didn’t want to exist anymore when I was going through these few months. I had never felt so alone. So difficult. So out of place. I didn’t feel I fitted into this world. I felt no one wanted to be with someone who couldn’t control their emotions. Couldn’t even explain what it was they were feeling. No one could understand that despite everything seeming to be so good in my life, I was so unhappy. I didn’t want to live. There just isn’t a reason for it. That’s mental health. It isn’t simple. It isn’t easy. Yes it is hard for others to understand it because they can’t see it, but it is so much more difficult for those suffering with it because all you want is to be happy. To be normal – whatever that is. To not push people away. To be able to talk and explain. But there aren’t always the words and this is what I found so heartbreakingly hard back at the beginning of this year – sometimes what I feel can’t be explained, there is no rational explanation, and I do feel selfish for behaving the way I do, but in those moments, I honestly don’t recognise it and can’t help it.
Winter was a write off. January to March passed in a blur. I am sure things happened, but I can’t pin point anything.
We hop into Spring, and well things seemed to improve – I had completed my CBT sessions, my depression and anxiety felt under control, I had got a job with a decent salary in the city, me and F were okay and I threw the best birthday for F, and had the best day at the zoo with F for my Birthday a week later. Things got rocky again towards the end of May and me and F were on the verge of breaking up after the picture perfect weekend away in Devon. I don’t know what happened or why it happened but it was bad and it still makes me feel sick and anxious looking back on it. So swiftly moving on from there, I think! June was okay and then July and August my anxiety came back. My lows were coming thick and fast. I began doubting everything and everyone around me. I started to lose myself. I pushed everyone away. I couldn’t be happy for myself or those around me. I was miserable and horrible to be around.
August saw the end of me and F. I shan’t go back into this as we’ve all read the multiple letters to F, and my other various blog posts about it. It was a tough time for me. I was already in a low point but then this happened. I felt like I had lost everything. I had lost the one part of me I was proud of and that I loved. I lost my world. My true love. My Future. How was I meant to carry on on my own? How could I live without that better half of me? If someone who said they loved me couldn’t even handle me at my worst, how I was meant to carry on living with that horrible part of me?
I struggled and my parents became worried. I felt like I was being watched continuously because my parents didn’t trust what I would do. I wasn’t allowed to be on my own.
A few weeks later, I put on that happy face that everyone was dying to see and everything seemed to have been swept under the carpet. People commented that I was happier without my ex. That they hadn’t seen me smile so much. In truth a lot of it was over compensating on my behalf. I wasn’t happy – but as the saying goes – fake it till you make it. That’s what I did. I hoped a smile would force me to feel happy.
September came – I met new people. Did new things. Socialised. Got myself out there. I had good times. I laughed. I smiled. I created memories. This carried on into October. It wasn’t long before the low times came back and the anxiety started to rise again. But I was learning to hide it and just letting it all out in my own way and when I was alone. No one wants to be around misery, do they? I created myself into a new person. I thought this was what I wanted.
The last couple of months to now have been a mix! I have been on such highs. I have been given so much and I am so lucky and so, so grateful. But I still can’t help feeling the lows.
2017 – a year full of highs and lows. Probably the best and one of the not so best years of my life.
Besides the not so greats, I felt I have made some achievements, however small they are.
My main achievement is that I don’t snap as much as I used to. My temper is a lot more under control. I think things through my head before I say them out loud. I step back from situations and don’t respond straight away. I think about how I should react despite it being the opposite of how I want to react.
This is big for me. This was always the biggest issue between me and F. I would get cranky at the slightest thing. I would over react. I would be selfish. Horrible. Bitter.
But now, I have learnt to control it and for me that has to be one of my biggest achievements for 2017.
My aim for 2018 is to carry over the positives from 2017 – the excitement of new beginnings, new memories and a new way of life. I have some exciting personal news to announce in 2018. It is a dream of mine that I have been striving to achieve for most of my life and I finally started that dream at the end of November and hope to have achieved it by the end of January, beginning of February. I am hoping this new start will be what I need.
I am also going to focus a lot more on me. I am going to try and get a new doctor so I can really begin to sort out my lows. I don’t want to keep experiencing the thoughts and feelings I have had all these years, which seem to be getting worse, I don’t want them following me into 2018.
I am going to face these fears and thoughts head on. Talk to those around me who I know want to help. I will try to let people in more.
I am going to try and leave a lot behind in 2017. I am not going to keep looking back on the past. Holding onto memories and people who no longer have a place with me through their choice. I am not going to regret things that I have done in 2018. I am going to try and enjoy the little things. Start a hobby – arts & crafts? Photography? Writing? Something. I don’t know what yet, but I am going to find something that I find interesting. Something which is just mine to enjoy.
I will keep up my ballet and try and go a lot more often. I won’t let my anxiety keep getting the better of me with these weekly classes. I have been enough times to know what to expect. I can’t keep letting anxiety ruin good things.
I will definitely be eating healthier. After all a healthy body can lead to a healthy mind. I hope this is true and that it will help.
Finally, in 2018 I want to be happy. I want those around me to be happy. I don’t want to keep being a burden. I want things to change. I want to make a change. I want to get a bit of the me back. I will do it.
These aren’t resolutions; they’re hopes that I have for 2018. I won’t put pressure on myself to achieve them, but it’s good to write down what I hope and could possibly achieve in the next 365 days.
I wish you all a very Happy New Year and a year filled with good health, strength and love. You all truly deserve it. We can only do our best – if we don’t always succeed, as long as we have tried our best, we can say we tried. We can keep trying as many times as we want, there is no right amount of times. It only matters that you get there in the end and you can look back and say I did it!
Not Quite Made Girl