17 going on 18

So, I’ve been doing a bit of a reflection on 2017 and all that it has brought me and taught me. And well I wanted to share them with you. Alongside what I hope to achieve in 2018, now that it has arrived.

2017 – you brought sadness, happiness, realisations, hard truths, love, hate, hurt and everything I  between. I don’t regret you and all that came with you; I’ve learnt lessons, realised I needed to change and that not everything is meant to be.

  • Firstly, 2017 brought with it the truth of my struggles with my mental health. It had been something I’d been struggling with for years but kept hidden as I didn’t really understand what it was I was feeling and what was causing me to feel that way. But 2017 it all came crashing in and forced me to deal with it and finally get help. Although this consisted of so many lows, it also allowed me to be a bit more vocal to those I trust about the way I feel. It also gave birth to this  blog which has helped me understand just some of the things in my head by writing them down.
  • As we’re on the subject of this blog, in 2017 I also realised through blogging just the amount of support out there for mental health. Complete strangers have shown so much more care, comfort and strength than the majority of those that I have chosen to surround myself with. So thank you to all of you, your words of kindness and reassurance were truly highlights of my 2017 even in the dark times.
  • I also gained a job. A job in the city. Not my dream job but a job none the less. A job that has allowed me to earn an income, allowed me to experience amazing opportunities including theatre shows, musicals, and inspirational people from different walks of lives. I haven’t always enjoyed going to work and struggle to really fit in but with a bit of a push on my side I have learnt to socialise and be outside of my comfort zone. This job was a blessing to me and I count myself so lucky that my first full-time job is for such a well known and respected newspaper and that it had allowed me to earn enough that I can continue to save money for the future and eventually move out.
  • I experienced loss. Not through death but through heartbreak. I never believed I would be capable to love or to be loved by anyone. But 2016 brought that someone into my life. 2017 I lost that person. 2017 wasn’t good for me and F. The cracks started to show. The struggles got too much. We both became unhappy. He finally ended it on the 31st July. My world fell apart right before me. The hurt. The sadness. The loss. It was a pain and emotion I hadn’t felt. At the time it was the worst feeling. But as everyone says, with time comes healing. And that’s exactly what happened – I have no doubt that 2018 will still see memories causing anguish and ache for what could have been. But looking back – I’ve been lucky to feel that love. To know what love is. To understand how one person can mean that much to you. That I have been lucky enough to have been so loved passionately but also that I am actually capable of loving someone. So with the bad also comes the good.
  • I may have lost the love of my life but as that door closed, another one soon opened. I never saw this one coming nor did I want it. But what happens, happens for a reason, right? Another person walked into my life and took my hand and gave me a reason to live again. He has shown me such care and attachment that I hadn’t experienced with F. He has shown me how to have fun, how to embrace the silliness, but he has also shown me protection, attentiveness and gallantry that I thought had died centuries ago. He doesn’t ask questions, he just understands and consoles me despite not knowing why I’m the way I am at times. I’m so lucky that in 2017 I got the chance to find someone who I could quite easily and possibly fall in love with – someone who has given me hope of better things to come.
  • Finally, 2017 saw a very exciting next step for me. A step into a journey that I have waited for since I was young – buying my very own property. Yes – I bought a flat in a beautiful area all by myself. Years and years of saving have finally paid off. I don’t move in until 2018 but the journey of a dream of a lifetime started in 2017 and I couldn’t have asked for a better end.

2017 was waved farewell to whilst watching Fireworks dancing above Edinburgh Castle at my first Hogmanay. 2018 started with a bang. And a kiss. And a smile. With ths last few days of 2017 spent with J, after a planned holiday with friends accidentally ended up being a holiday for just me and J. And it was perfect. We explored. We laughed. We wound each other up with smiles on our faces each time. We talked. We understood. We joked. We cared. It was such a good way to wave off 2017. I couldn’t have asked for better.

2018 – what do I hope this year holds? I don’t mame resolutions at tbe start of the year, I just set them when I think of one or when I feel I need to make an extra effort on a certain subject. Sl all I ask for is happiness and health. I know there will be ups and downs and I will struggle but here’s my hopes for the next 12 months.

  • I’m going to learn to not be so secretive with those people who care about me. I have always been one to keep things to myself. And tbh, looking back it hasn’t really got me anywhere. If anything it has held me back and made me lose people. So 2018 will be the year that I make a conscious effort to speak to those I trust around me, especially when they ask if everything is okay and it isn’t. I want to speak about things and have the support and encouragement of others that are so willing to offer it to me. I want to stop others worrying about me by actually speaking out about how I’m doing.
  • I very much hope that in the first quarter of 2018 I will have moved into my flat! I believe this will do me wonders. It will give me my own space to think. To really learn who I am. What I like. What I want. To allow myself to show how I feel when I am low and not hide it away. To finally feel things in the moment and not keep bottling it up. It will be my own space to discover me.
  • I want to make a more conscious effort to socialise with those around me, including those I work with. I want to be more fun, not necessarily with the aid of alcohol. But learn not to be so scared of socialising. Instead of dreading each social occasion I want to take a look at it as a chance for fun and excitement.
  • I will be more creative. In my spare time I want to learn to write poetry, draw pictures, paint, play piano and get round to finally doing my scrapbook of my year abroad from almost 4 years ago. I love being creative and always feel so good when I do it. So 2018 will be the year that I become the next Kirsty Allsop 😉
  • I am going to try so hard to be optimistic about everything. I’m tired of being the glass half empty kind of girl. I want to see the positive in everything. Every cloud, does after all, have a silver lining.
  • Finally I want to get more help for my depression and bulimia. 2017 was a scary year for me. I don’t know how I actually made it to see 2018. The thoughts I’ve had and some of the things that I have done to myself aren’t healthy. They are destructive. I want to stop. I need to get a balance. Find the right kind of way to deal with things. CBT wasn’t good for me but I know there’s other methods to try I just need to find someone I trust to talk to and help me establish what help would be best and that all starts with finding a good doctor. I don’t want to feel exhausted and appear ungrateful of life anymore. I want to learn to enjot it and 2018 will hopefully be the start of that journey. It won’t be easy or quick but it will be a start and I’m happy with that being enough.

With 2017 I will be saying goodbye to so many happy times, golden memories, sadness and darkness but in 2018, I will be welcoming positivity, brand new memories, laughter, and a new journey or three. I couldn’t ask for more so bring it on: 2018, I’m ready for you.

Not Quite Made Girl

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