Dear F (10), 

Ten letters and four months is all it took. Ten letters and four months for me to realise maybe you weren’t the one for me. To realise I don’t need you anymore. I can breathe and live without you.

A lot can happen in just a third of the year, can’t it F? I mean it took us a quarter of a year to become official and say I love you to one another. But it also took less than a quarter of a year for you to fall out of love with me and take it all away.

Time is a bizarre thing. It delivers pain and hurt but also comes with it happiness and chances. For a lot of things there is not certain amount of time: falling in love, moving on, grieving, anticipation, excitement – all these can range from a day to almost a year. But what I do know is that time heals. With time comes hopes and new opportunities. New happiness. New love. New luck. New life.

When you walked out I thought I couldn’t cope. I thought I wouldn’t be able to live. I had nothing to live for in my eyes. You were my love, my world. And you took it away all so easily. But look at me now! I’m here. I’m living and breathing without you.  Some days are more of a challenge but I’m coping. I’m learning to live again. To live a life where you aren’t involved and aren’t a part of the future.

I’ve met some new people in the past few months – some have stayed and others I haven’t wanted to be in my life so let them go. I’ve created memories, ones where you aren’t part of them. I’m making plans for the future with other people. I’m learning to be sociable and open myself up to others.  Continue reading “Dear F (10), “

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Dear F, (9)

I didn’t expect to find myself writing you another letter. I thought I was coping just fine and felt no loyalty to your nor much love towards you. However, like most things when it comes to you, I was wrong.

I got a text from you just over a week ago after The Wolf Alice gig. I wasn’t expecting that. It threw me off. It has caused me to derail a bit. You saw me there. Yes, I saw you too, but I didn’t feel the need to tell you. I saw you with your friend. But I didn’t look long enough to clock what you were doing. How you were. I didn’t want to. I was there with someone and I was excited and Happy to be with them. But you felt the need to tell me that you saw me. That you were pleased I looked happy. That I was also a deadringer for the lead singer in the band we had both seen that night. Why? Why did you have to do that?

Continue reading “Dear F, (9)”

Dear F, (8)

Thank you. Thank you for ending it with me. I mean it. I’m not bitter. I’m not hateful. In fact I’m joyous. Happy. Excited. I’ve never felt so positive about things and I owe that to you, so thank you.

I haven’t felt like me in years. I don’t know when I stopped being me but it’s been far too long. The girl you were with when you was with me was only half the real me. The girl that was excited at times. The girl who was a bit eccentric. The girl who maybe laughed that little bit too loud. That was the real me. And my goodness has she resurfaced in the past month and a bit.

I have done so much that I wouldn’t have done before; I’m meeting new people, I’m going to places I would never normally go, I’ve started following my dreams and likes, I’ve been sociable, I’ve been smiling and I’ve been laughing. I’m starting to see there’s so much more to life.

I am growing in to myself at long last. I’m burning bridges with my past faster than I ever have before. What’s happened in the past is staying there now. I’m not allowing it to affect me in the present. I don’t deserve the unhappiness. The stress. The worry. And those around me don’t deserve to feel it either. I’m sorry you had to.  Continue reading “Dear F, (8)”

Dear F, (7)

It’s amazing how much can change in three weeks. How quick the emotions can change and how the person you think you fell in love with can turn and show their ‘real colours’.

I was coming to terms with the break up quite well the past week and a half or so. I was feeling perkier and more positive. I believed you still cared and still respected me. You still called me baby. You kept sending me messages. You put kisses at the end of some messages. But I now know why you did all that: to get me back in to bed. And it worked.

Continue reading “Dear F, (7)”

Dear F, (6)

I don’t know why I’m still writing these letters to you especially as we have had the odd conversation here and there through whatsapp. I suppose there’s so much I still don’t understand and I find it easier to comprehend writing it down in a letter to you.

Thank you. I’ve finally realised why you did this. Why you cause this hurt. I’ve finally come to terms with it and I’ve put it towards so much good. I’ve finally learnt how to turn hurt and bad into something positive and helpful and I think that’s what you always wanted me to achieve. So thank you, I finally am learning.

Continue reading “Dear F, (6)”

Dear F, (5)

This weekend I have gone through the emotions over you and I’ve come to a lot of hard hitting truths as well. I think I loved you too much. I idolised you. I worshipped you. You couldn’t do a single thing wrong in my eyes. I could never see another side to you. I thought you were perfect. But you weren’t, were you? You weren’t all that? You weren’t everything I thought or made you out to be.

I’ve been so quick to blame myself. That I’m the one that needs to change. I’m the one who has caused all this. I’m the one who is at fault. But it isn’t just me. It takes two to tango as they say. Yes, i have things to work on but this isn’t solely my fault. Thanks to my aunt and my friends for helping me to highlight this.

You were just never on my side. You didn’t support me. You didn’t help me. You didn’t have my best interests at heart. You didn’t put me first. Ever. I came second to everyone. And I accepted that. But I shouldn’t have. That’s not how relationships work. I always put you first. Always supported you. Always tried to make you feel better. Yet, when it came to me, you always believed it was self inflicted. Every time i complained of a bad tummy, despite having IBS, you just always put it down to stress or worry, even though I’d sit there and tell you that I was happy, without stress, you just wouldn’t let me feel unwell. Continue reading “Dear F, (5)”

Dear F, (4)

Today is our anniversary. We were so close to making it. A week off. Instead of being out just toasting a drink to us, being relaxed and happy, I am sat here, regretting my actions so, so much.

A week ago today, I sat there and heard you end it. I couldn’t understand it. Or believe it. I didn’t know where it had come from. I wasn’t expecting it. Only the night before you sat there and said ‘Goodnight, love you’. Even that day you messaged me saying ‘Hey baby’. You put x’s at the end. I didn’t guess anything was up until you said ‘Can I see you tonight? I feel really down 😦 x’. As soon as I read that, you know what my mind jumps to and I immediately thought you were breaking up with me. There was no rhyme or reason as to why I thought this. But it was so out of the blue and you’ve done that before. Why couldn’t you just talk to me. Why couldn’t you have spoken to me on Saturday at the time? Why did you give me such false hope on the Sunday? You woke me up with sex, we had a shower together and you even stressed we needed to look into booking a holiday. What changes in 24 hours? Were your thoughts really that harrowing? Why couldn’t you just speak to me?
Every time we had a dispute you would act okay after. You gave me the impression that all was fine. Why couldn’t you just sit me down and really tell me the truth? The hard hitting truth would have pushed me to change a hell of a lot quicker. Instead you’ve let it build to this. And that hurts. It hurts because I was under the impression that we were in love with each other and we were in it together.

Continue reading “Dear F, (4)”

Dear F, (3)

I was catching up on Orient articles before their first match today against Sutton! So much has happened within the club in the past week alone.

The most exciting news was that we have Abrahams back! I am sure you were all over it when it was first announced.
I couldn’t believe it when I came across the article on BBC sport. He might have signed for Norwich, but he’s playing for us. I think you predicted that didn’t you? You said he would want to carry on playing for a first team, and now he can thanks to being loaned out back to us O’s.
It’s a shame that the same won’t happen for Alzate. But we seemed to have signed a lot of good players, and seem to be on a bit of winning streak pre-season. Definitely no losses.

Today is the day the season started. I wished so much that I could be sat with you listening to the commentary, with baited breath every time they are near the goal end. Just like we were on Valentine’s Day. But I couldn’t. And that’s okay because that’s what you wanted.

It wasn’t a great day for the O’s. First game of a new season in a new league and they lost. a 2-0 defeat! What did you make of that? By the sounds of it, there were a few issues. Grainger in goal, we always knew it wouldn’t be too great. O’s always lacked a goalie and it is still showing this season despite all the changes that have been made.
What a disappointment for Mooney. Technically we can say the O’s scored, even if it wasn’t allowed because of a foul. But that’s better than some games last season, where we didn’t even hit in haha.

Continue reading “Dear F, (3)”

Dear F, (2)

Dear F,

Having so much time to think about things, is doing so much to me. It is helping, it is hindering, it is hurting and it is making me determined. I have the time to think back over our whole relationship: the good, the bad and the ugly and the happiness.

I have thought about my behaviour non stop. It is continuously at the forefront of my mind and I am so careful watching those around me and how their behaviour is different to mine.
I have been watching reality TV programmes, you know me and my love for such rubbish, I mean look I got you into Love Island, so they can’t be that bad! But yes, I have been watching Teen Mom both in the UK and the US. I know their lives are so different, and so are their circumstances, but their behaviour on screen is quite similar to how I could be at times with you. I am not saying that excuses my behaviour, because it doesn’t, but for so many people that seems to be the norm. Having moments of exploding, of spitefulness of hurt.
Witnessing those around me at work and the way they speak about certain things. There is hostility in them over the smallest of things. They do lose their tempers, even in the work place. You hear of arguments that they have had with their partners, and often it is over something so small but it still cause a row. An argument. And things being said that they didn’t mean.
Even just watching strangers on the commute to work, walking past them, hearing their phone calls, there’s not a day that goes by where you don’t hear at least a few people arguing on their phone, whether it be with a family member, a colleague or the love of their life.

Continue reading “Dear F, (2)”

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