Dear F, (6)

I don’t know why I’m still writing these letters to you especially as we have had the odd conversation here and there through whatsapp. I suppose there’s so much I still don’t understand and I find it easier to comprehend writing it down in a letter to you. 

Thank you. I’ve finally realised why you did this. Why you cause this hurt. I’ve finally come to terms with it and I’ve put it towards so much good. I’ve finally learnt how to turn hurt and bad into something positive and helpful and I think that’s what you always wanted me to achieve. So thank you, I finally am learning. 

I’ve done so much these past three weeks F. I think you’d be so proud of me and so happy for me. If only you could see how generally smiley and perky I am at times. In situations that I used to hate but now thrive in. How I’m dealing with my thoughts and behaviours. How I’m learning to believe and accept I’m responsible for my behaviour and that I’m the only who is capable of changing that.

I’ve been socialising so much. I’m so much friendlier. I feel more approachable.  I even speak to people on train journeys now. I’m asking questions. I’m showing interest in people. I’m no longer running home from work to message you or to see you. I’m doing me for a while and it’s paying off. 

I’ve gone drinking with work this week. Played fun drinking games. A shot roulette. You would have cringed at the shot I got bought and been almost sick at what I bought the person after me: whiskey, aperol and milk! I know, it’s disgusting but it was such a pretty colour, even if it did curdle. 

People at work have been open with me. They said I’ve always been so positive. That I always seem so perky. Some of them hadn’t even realised that I’d been dumped and was heart broken. They said I’m always so happy and positive. How polite I am. See F, I am a good person.  I can be positive and I can be happy. I’m sorry I just lost that with you and found it harder to hard from you. But I’m learning not to hide it any more. I’ve told some people at work about my anxiety and depression and although they were shocked they didn’t judge me. And I feel such a weight off my shoulders. I feel I can finally be open about everything. I don’t have to hide it and burden it on the select few I choose. I can relieve that and just say I’m having a shit day and not worry about hiding it. No more turning to You, or my parents or Bee, and making you all miserable with me. Instead I can just be vocal and lose myself in conversation and socialising at work as they all seem so keen to keep me involved with things and help. 

Sorry it took so long for me to relieve your pressure. But things had to change from my perspective before anything else could change and as I wrote in my blog about change, I’m finally there. I’m finally embracing change. 

I went to St. Neots this weekend. I bit the bullet and travelled up there despite my anxiety trying to win. I went even though I was worried about Bee’s friend who moaned about me on twitter. I went even though I didn’t want to do the train journey up there. I went, even though I felt I couldn’t. Not when I was meant to have been going to Orient vs Woking away with you and your friends. But I did it! I went with very little issue and resistance and I had fun! I saw the Dragon boat races, tried the dresses on and had a fun, girly evening with my bestie and the other girls with bottles of prosecco and cards against humanity! I forgot I needed to do these kind of things. I forgot to socialise. I forgot the importance of keeping my friendships. I’m sorry I  became so reliant on you. I’m sorry. 

I’m happier F, not because we’re not together but because I’ve realised I am my own person and can be okay! I’m not all bad. I just need to be more open and honest and learn to say yes more. 

However, I have a slight niggle. It’s not helping me. I appreciate you sending me messages and hearing from you but please don’t when you know that you were the one to end it. You were the one who never saw a future. You’ve got to stop giving me that belief. That little ray of hope of returning to normality with you. Because I can’t do that as friends. I could only do that with you if there was a chance of a future. There was too much there for me between us to just pretend to be friends. It hurts more than not talking to you. 

Why do you message? Why do you keep the conversation going? Please, just stop. It’s not helping. Please don’t like my Instagram photos either. I don’t need your likes nor do I want them anymore. I don’t want your pitty on a photo that only got a couple of likes. You’re not interested in my life F. You’re not interested me. So why do it? 

I wish so much that you did all that because you still liked me. That you still saw a future for us. But I’m facing reality and facts and know that you have no intention of that. So please, don’t. Unless I’m wrong? But I doubt that. I never was right when it came to anything between us. You always were right. Haha. 

Thank you, but no thank you bubs. I can’t keep facing the disappointment and wondering. 

But look F, I’m living.  I’m coping. I’m surviving and I’m doing it just fine. I miss you so much. And I crave your touch. Your hug. Your kiss and your love. But I’m getting by and I’m changing and that’s all I can keep doing for now. I just wish you could see it for yourself F, I think you’d love this other version of me so much more. 

Siggy

Change is hard at first…

Messy in the middle and gorgeous at the end – Robin Sharma 

Change (verb) : to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone; to become different; to become altered or modified (dictionary.com)

whether you’re after a quote or a definition about change, it is pretty easy to come by. There’s a whole array of quotes about how a person or a situation can change. They make it seem feasible. Within your reach. That it is an attainable goal. Physically, yes it may be easy. I mean it’s on the outside. The change shows. You can see the change. Others can see it. There’s often so much more available to help you change on the outside. But is it really just as easy as to change oneself mentally as it is physically. Can people really change? 

I believe they can and here’s why. I feel like in a way, I am a living, breathing, in actual transition of a person changing mentally. It all starts with a trigger. A catalyst. Something that makes you become so aware that you need to make a change. And for me that was F breaking up with me. 

Continue reading “Change is hard at first…”

Dear F (5),

This weekend I have gone through the emotions over you and I've come to a lot of hard hitting truths as well. I think I loved you too much. I idolised you. I worshipped you. You couldn't do a single thing wrong in my eyes. I could never see another side to you. I thought you were perfect. But you weren't, were you? You weren't all that? You weren't everything I thought or made you out to be.

I've been so quick to blame myself. That I'm the one that needs to change. I'm the one who has caused all this. I'm the one who is at fault. But it isn't just me. It takes two to tango as they say. Yes, i have things to work on but this isn't solely my fault. Thanks to my aunt and my friends for helping me to highlight this.

You were just never on my side. You didn't support me. You didn't help me. You didn't have my best interests at heart. You didn't put me first. Ever. I came second to everyone. And I accepted that. But I shouldn't have. That's not how relationships work. I always put you first. Always supported you. Always tried to make you feel better. Yet, when it came to me, you always believed it was self inflicted. Every time i complained of a bad tummy, despite having IBS, you just always put it down to stress or worry, even though I'd sit there and tell you that I was happy, without stress, you just wouldn't let me feel unwell. Continue reading “Dear F (5),”

Street Art Tour

Something a bit different for me yesterday. Something that I would never normally turn my eye to. I almost didn't go but as I am currently using the mantra of 'Yes Man' I went anyway. (Now just a quick side step, I have to confess I haven't ever seen or read Yes Man, so I'm not sure if it has a good message and a positive ending or not. If any of you know what happens when he says yes all the time can you please let me know so I don't keep saying yes and end up with some bad luck!)

But yes, yesterday, with work we had a social in the afternoon. I know, what a great place to work where you can have afternoons off work and use it as an excuse to socialise and network with those who work in the same department but that you never quite come across or your paths never cross. I was menat to be going with a couple of girls from my section but last minute they dropped out as other things came up. I instantly wanted to just not go. That was always my go to.however, being all positive and shit now, I swallowed that idea pretty quickly, pulled on my big girl pants and decided to go along anyway. 

I was on my way (you go girl!), and I thought I recognised a girl whose name was on the list of those going. I  even asked if they were going and asked if I could tag along with them and they said of course I could. Now, I know to most normal people this would be a normal thing to do, but no, not for I. I like to be awkward as possible around people and just suffer in silence on my own and not have fun haha. Well that's a lie, of course I want to have fun, but my awkwardness and anxiety always prevented from doing something like that. Hello new change 👋🏻 

Continue reading “Street Art Tour”

Progress Update 103

Can I just get a round of high fives as yesterday I hit a couple of realisations and I actually achieved such a change in my train of thought, that a few weeks ago, would have been so different. Amazing what a couple of weeks does for you and a bit of drive, hope and determination. 

Image result for high five gif

Yesterday, the weather was shocking here. It was like a true winter's day. It rained all day. It was flooding. It was grey. It was cold. It could have given me so many reasons to recluse within myself a bit and draw back from my positive outlook and go back to my old ways. 

Instead, I embraced it! I got soaked on the way to work, but I was smiling. I didn't care. It was such a minor thing, it wasn't going to be permanent and I would dry off the second I got to work. 
I walked in with a smile and greeted those around me. I feel I am becoming more approachable. I am dropping that barrier that I used to carry. And it is all thanks to being honest with those around me and being honest with myself. 

On Tuesday, I finally opened up to those that I work with. I may have over shared a bit too much, but it helped. I got other opinions, other views, other people's advice which is so different to that of those that I normally surround myself with, such as friends outside of work and my parents. 
Continue reading “Progress Update 103”

Dear F, (4)

Today is our anniversary. We were so close to making it. A week off. Instead of being out just toasting a drink to us, being relaxed and happy, I am sat here, regretting my actions so, so much.

A week ago today, I sat there and heard you end it. I couldn’t understand it. Or believe it. I didn’t know where it had come from. I wasn’t expecting it. Only the night before you sat there and said ‘Goodnight, love you’. Even that day you messaged me saying ‘Hey baby’. You put x’s at the end. I didn’t guess anything was up until you said ‘Can I see you tonight? I feel really down 😦 x’. As soon as I read that, you know what my mind jumps to and I immediately thought you were breaking up with me. There was no rhyme or reason as to why I thought this. But it was so out of the blue and you’ve done that before. Why couldn’t you just talk to me. Why couldn’t you have spoken to me on Saturday at the time? Why did you give me such false hope on the Sunday? You woke me up with sex, we had a shower together and you even stressed we needed to look into booking a holiday. What changes in 24 hours? Were your thoughts really that harrowing? Why couldn’t you just speak to me?
Every time we had a dispute you would act okay after. You gave me the impression that all was fine. Why couldn’t you just sit me down and really tell me the truth? The hard hitting truth would have pushed me to change a hell of a lot quicker. Instead you’ve let it build to this. And that hurts. It hurts because I was under the impression that we were in love with each other and we were in it together.

Continue reading “Dear F, (4)”

You’ll find someone better. 

You’ll find someone better’. 

Why do people always say this when you break up with someone? I know they think it is to make you feel better, but realistically, it doesn’t. It isn’t even a fact. It is just something someone says in passing when there’s not a lot else to say. 

This is all I have heard the past week and I’m sick of it. If I wanted to do better, I would have ended. If I thought I could do better, I would have been the one to end it. But I don’t want better. I had the best and I am not afraid to admit. I had my one. I had my other half. There is no better out there. There may be others out there, but they aren’t better because they aren’t F. 
I know they are only trying to help and be positive, but to me, that’s the last thing I want to hear. I have dedicated a whole year, even more than a year, to this one person who I believed was going to be my one. Was going to be the one, that down the line I would marry, have children with and have a family. I have gone through so many highs and lows with this personal but that’s only because I care so much for him. If I didn’t fight for him then it shows I never cared. And I cared so much. I have become so invested in this one person, supporting him through everything, being so proud of him, being his cheerleader, showing him how much I loved him, yet the bad times just won. I don’t want better. I want F. 

Now, I know he will be being told the same thing, no doubt. It’s what people say when you break up as we have already established. However, maybe he can do better? He can find someone who hasn’t gotten a mental illness. Someone who is okay with who they are. But I know, given time I can be that person. I can learn to love myself and become more aware of my illness. I need to for my own sake more than anyone else’s. I need to be more open about it and seek the help. There’s so much in my past I need  to talk about and to understand and once I do that, I know I will learn to love myself and I can see that only being a short matter of time. 
I have made big steps in learning to love myself and be me again after so many years. I started to love myself around F, he made me confident and happy but sometimes the anxiety would just win and make me doubt who I was as a person. But I am better than that and I have never said that before. I deserve to be a better person. I am a good person, I just need to be more open about my mental health because that has been holding me back far too long. 
I am a better person and I can be better still. And I am working on that. I can be that better person for F, but I just need to know he is willing to wait and give me that chance. I am not asking for a long time, I just need to get my initial doctor’s appointment out the way, book some counselling, look at different medications as well as the pill and I am on my way. This will all be happening in the next couple of weeks and I am excited to see the outcome. Please F, can you just be there along the way and see for yourself. It will be worth it.