Moments Passed

It’s been a while. Sorry. So much has changed and happened in the past year and a half. I don’t think it is worth catching you up.

Today has been a weird day. The 12th December 2019. Less than two weeks until Christmas. General election day. The first December election since 1923 when Baldwin lost and there was a Labour/Liberal coalition. It’s strange to think that just shy of 100 years later history kind of repeats itself. It makes me wonder how the results will reflect that of 1923.

I suppose in comparison to the General Election the rest of this post seems completely irrelevant and tiny but to me it’s been a bit of a turning point.

This past week me and the boyfriend have not been good. I fucked up. I texted a guy I sort of cheated on my boyfriend with. It was a stupid kiss a year ago at my old work’s Christmas party and it meant nothing. Me and the boyfriend were in an awful place and to be Frank I didn’t think we would last. I felt we had rushed into the relationship and that we were complete opposites. That’s no excuse at all to do what I did, and to this day, I regret my actions that night. But I was honest and told him what had happened and rightly so he told me to not text that guy again.

It’s hard to explain but that guy wasn’t a romantic interest to me at all but more of a friend who got the wrong idea. I’ve always got on better with guys and for a long while I’ve not had that relationship with a guy but in him I found it. Anyway long story short, this past weekend, I fucked up. I messaged the guy and my boyfriend found out. It was an innocent message asking how Australia was and how he was getting on. There was no romantic emotions involve at all. The boyfriend saw a response on my phone on the Monday but decided not to say anything. Instead he let it boil up and explode. The confrontation was hell. I deserved every bit of it I know. The reason I messaged him is because all my friends are engaged/married and have issues of their own. I don’t want to bother them, I don’t want to bitch about my boyfriend when we’re arguing to them, I don’t want to affect their opinion of them.

I’ve recently started my dream job and it has completely changed my outlook on life. I’m so committed to this job and to the people I work with. I finally feel like I’m in a place where I’m similar to people, that I get on with them, and I’m in a career which is my dream and one that I want to fully commit to. It’s made me look at our relationship completely different. I work with people who are only in relationships or single. Most aren’t married or starting families like my circle of friends. For the first time in a long time I dont feel any pressure to rush into a relationship, into moving in, into an engagement, into marriage, into kids. I finally feel I’m in a place to follow my career dreams and everything else can wait. I’m finally in a company where the people are similar to me and I feel comfortable.

This has been so though to come to terms with. I love my boyfriend I do, but I do question if I want a future with him. If we’re moving too quick. If he is what I want at this moment in time. It sounds so awful especially as he is someone I love.

We’re not in a good place at the moment. I don’t trust him and I feel I constantly have to explain myself to him. I did message the guy from last year but in my eyes it was completely innocent, but I do understand where he is coming from. I wouldn’t feel comfortable if it was reversed.

But I feel he is punishing me constantly. I feel he doesn’t want to be with me, which is fine, I just wish he would say and not keep dragging this out.

I saw my ex this morning. I caught an earlier train due to voting and he purposefully bumped into me to bring attention to him. I just threw my head down and continued walking. It put me in a weird mood.

I went to the most beautiful carol service tonight with work and I took my parents along. It was amazing and so beautiful. But I just couldn’t stop my mind from racing. My mind was drawing on my career, my relationship, my ex, my friendships. I found out today that it took my best friend 3 days to talk to me about health issues with her husband. It took her three days and a break down to realise that she needed to talk to me. It made me question am I doing enough as a friend? But it also made me realise I don’t think I’d go to her if I had a problem, in fact I haven’t, because her problems always seem so much greater and I hate to be one to just moan about life in general.

I couldn’t stop thinking about my present relationship with my boyfriend. Is it what we both want? Are we in the same place? Do we want the same things from life? I’m not sure. I love him, but maybe that’s not enough sometimes.

Right now I just feel I need to focus on myself and my job and my new chance at my dream career but it feels so hard at times and I feel so torn in my emotions. I don’t know what I’m doing or thinking half the time. I don’t know what’s best anymore for me or anyone else. It’s tough and it’s such a stupid position and feeling to feel, but I think I need to feel it and ride and work out what is best for me for the first time in my life.

I did something positive

Or something negative, depending on what the results come back and say (positive or negative blood type, just in case the joke wasn’t clear). But the thing I did was a positive thing, I GAVE BLOOD! Yes, I am officially a blood donor.

I have waited years to be able to give blood but I have always had trouble with weight or iron levels. But I finally took the plunge as I knew I was well within the weight limit, I just had to try and ensure I had enough iron in me before I donated. And I did! I finally got to give something back. I finally got to do something for someone else in need. Or to help science. Whichever my blood helps, it is still helping.

I honestly thought I would never get the chance to donate blood especially as of recently. I had 2 appointments booked in before the session I had on Thursday but I had to change them because I got ill before one and another thing came up for the other one. Nothing was going to get in the way of this one.

My mum was an absolute babe and as she was already off work (perks of being a teacher, hey!) she volunteered to come with me and be some moral support, which was super sweet of her.

For those of you who aren’t sure about the process of giving blood and that is what is putting you off giving then I will give a quick insight into what happens and how painless the whole thing is. And for those that already know or don’t want to know, then up to you whether you read on or not.

A couple of weeks before my appointment I received a letter in the post reminding me of my appointment and attached to it was a health questionnaire asking some very detailed and personal questions. It contained things such as if you were on any prescribed pills, if you’d been ill, been to the dentist or the doctors in the past seven days, whether you had been outside of the UK in the last three months, questions about your sex life and family relations and finally if you had ever lived outside the UK for a period of 6 months plus.
This form was later used in the health screening on the day of donation. But more about that when I get there.

So, form filled in, I just now had to hope I didn’t get any sort of illness and that my iron levels would stay level.

Finally, the day arrived. I was gonna donate a pint of my blood, at last! I turned up for my slot just after 3pm and registered. I was handed a leaflet (more like a booklet) explaining what would happen throughout the hour slot I had for my donation. There was a 25 minute delay, but I had the booklet and my mother to keep me company. The booklet was actually really interesting and very informative. It said what they used your blood for, whether it is to help those who need a transfusion such as those in an accident or those affected by cancer or for scientific purposes. By donating you gave your consent for your blood to be used for either purpose.
It spoke about the process of the day, what the point of the health screening and questionnaire were for (to ensure you were suitable to give blood basically) and most important why you needed to drink 500ml of water straight before giving blood (apparently it helps your well being) and the exercises to do whilst giving blood to help circulation and again ensure your well being. The exercises were wiggling the feet and crossing and uncrossing them and clenching your bum and leg muscles for five seconds and then releasing. Again all for your own good.
It also explained what each coloured uniform meant that you’d see throughout your donation. The light blue uniforms did the health screenings and the dark blue dealt with the actual procedure of blood donation.

Booklet read, water being worked through, I was called to the health screening. I started following the nurse, then realised I had left the form with mum so had to run back and the nurse hadn’t realised and it was all very embarrassing when she turned round and I wasn’t there and she was looking for me. Only I could embarrass myself that easily and quickly! (It gets a lot more embarrassing so brace yourselves).
The health screening was very quick and painless (actually I lie, there was pain involved). Questions gone through on the sheet and answers given for those that yes ticks next to them, with the answers all clear, I could get my finger pricked to test my iron levels, Yes! This pin prick was not gentle, it was bloody painful and it actually was throbbing hours later in the evening. But it was quite cool to watch. This tiny pin prick produced a fair amount of blood (not even a ml probably but looked a lot) and they sucked it up with a pipette and dropped a couple of drops into a solution that tested the iron levels. The nurse popped it in, then her face went a bit strange, she held her breath and then finally let it out and said ‘Phew, it wasn’t sure but your blood droplets have finally started falling although a bit slow, but your iron is just the right level to donate’ YES! YES! YES! The hurdle holding me back I finally jumped over, skimmed the top of it but I did it all clear. Next, what arm would be best for the veins. Now I have very prominent and visible veins so doctors and nurses always like me when I need to do blood tests so either arm was suitable to use. Screening done, I could go take my seat in the final waiting chair ready to be called up the fancy chairs to give blood.
The nurse was lovely, she saw I was with my mum and asked if I would like her to sit with me whilst I donated and called her over. Everyone was so friendly, it made the procedure so much more enjoyable and less nerve racking.

I was taken to a chair. Now, these chairs are quite fancy and very comfy, tempted to invest in one instead of an armchair. They’re blue and have a cushion head rest and one just below the knees. The chair is like an S shape and it can be moved to lay all the way back or sit up straight. Honestly, these chairs were brilliant, I don’t feel like I am doing them any justice.
Anyway, another nice nurse (this time in a dark blue uniform) came over, introduced herself and asked my name. Looked at my questionnaire and took my blood pressure. All still good, so cuff put on my arm to help raise the vein and the needle was inserted. The procedure had started.
Now, I had another issue here. So iron was all fine, but now my blood decided to slow down and the machine was bleeping saying I had dropped below the 30ml target so the nurse gave me a cardboard roll (bit like a toilet roll) to squeeze within my hand and thankfully my blood sped right up and was doubled the 30ml minimum within seconds so the nurse was content to leave me but said she would keep an eye out for me and thanked me for giving blood. Everyone there was so appreciative that you were giving blood as if it was something heroic. Maybe it is as I read that 96% of people who can give blood rely on the 4% of people to donate. Whether this figure is still relevant or not, it is amazing just how few people do give blood.

I spoke to mum throughout the ten minutes that it took for the bag to fill up. It was quite cool as you are put back a bit in the chair and there’s a machine next to you with the bag of blood filling up below. It sits on a little tray that moves from side to side and measures the blood and the speed it is filling up. It was good fun to watch and I actually managed to look at my arm and watch the blood drain out without a single feeling of queasiness.

Ten minutes up and another nurse came and took the needle out of my arm and slowly sat me up. Explained that I wasn’t to do any strenuous activity or hold or lift anything heavy with the arm, and to rest basically.

Now, here comes the ultra embarrassing part. Blood bag taken. Leaflet explaining what to do after donation done, it was time to get the juice and biscuits. I was dead excited for this bit, you can’t go wrong with a free biccy. Of course it was to help your well being in terms of sugar levels and hydration but still I was excited. I got up out of the chair, started feeling stupidly hot, I felt sweat pouring out of places I didn’t even know it could and the next thing I knew I couldn’t hear the nurse next to me talking and I couldn’t see anything in front of me and then I was on the floor, being surrounded by nurses, curtains being pulled around me, a fan being pulled round and two cool packs placed under and around my neck. I have never felt so embarrassed. What a flaming wuss I was. A tear did trickle from my eye because I was so shocked it happened as I felt fine the whole time donating and also because I was just so embarrassed. It took a while for me to focus and really come back round and I was sat on the floor (more like laying) with my legs on a chair raised whilst I cooled down.
My mum told me afterwards, I was white. But when I fell apparently my forehead went bright red, I guess that’s because the blood goes rushing back there? (If you know the real reason for this please let me know). So after five mins on the floor I was transferred to the chair once again and had a juice and crisps (not a biscuit because I needed to get my salt levels up unfortunately) to help. Ten mins or so later, I just wanted to get out of there because I was embarrassed. Everyone, again was so caring, helpful, friendly and understanding and honestly they were just amazing. They really deserve so much praise. It can’t be easy doing that job day in and out but they do it perfectly and always with a smile and so much care.

I was exhausted the rest of the evening and the day after I still didn’t feel quite right but it hasn’t put me off. I am waiting for my results to see if my blood was okay and once I get that confirmation I will be booking my next appointment for 16 weeks time. It was the best thing I have ever done and such a positive experience.

I just want to thank the lovely ladies that I came across that day who couldn’t have possibly done anymore or been even more friendly. You ladies are amazing and you really deserve so much recognition for what you do, and how much you help, educate and care for others. Thank you.

Thank you also to those other donors that took time out of their day to donate. Everyone has busy lives and may not feel comfortable donating blood but they did it anyway and they are helping so many others by doing that act.

Thanks to mother too for dealing with such a dramatic daughter, I am sorry you always have to catch me when I fall, but thank you for always being there when I do.

Giving blood, an experience that is full of positivity and care. I can’t wait to do it again, see you in December Public Hall for part 2 of the donation!

Not Quite Made Girl




Lucky “7”

They say the number seven is lucky and this just so happens to be the amount of months since I last wrote a blog on Not Quite Made Girl. Why the number 7 is lucky, I don’t know but it is always my go to number so maybe that means it is about the right time that I started writing on here again.

I know it has been a while. It hasn’t been easy. It hasn’t been hard. It has just been life the past seven months. A lot has changed. In other ways very little has changed. I am still the Not Quite Made Girl stumbling and tripping over this journey we all have to call life whether we are really living it or just enduring it because we think it will get better or because we simply have no choice.

Since I last wrote, I wish I could say how happy and full of beans I am. But… I would be lying and also wouldn’t be human if I said that. After all we all can’t be happy all the time. I have had some incredible achievements in the past few months, the main being that I have officially moved into my very own flat and now a, I believe the kids are calling ‘Mortgage Wanker’. I am gradually putting my own touch on the place, the walls are painted/wallpapered, the carpets are all new, the furniture is almost all in place and it feels very much like my own space. To have been able to achieve this at the age of early to mid twenties by myself without a partner I am proud of myself, not only because it is such an accomplishment especially in the world we live in currently but also because I have been working towards this dream since I could walk and talk. I always wanted my own place. I always had ideas to decorate a place. After all the saving of birthday money and various other incomes over the years, it finally happened and I am happy. And so, so lucky that I have had the help of my parents when it has come to the actual painting and decorating of the place as I lack the skills there!

Yes, milestone number one ticked off and smiles all round. The other aspects of my life? Well they’re plodding along at the same old pace. Still in a job which I detest, the people are tolerable at best and doesn’t pay me enough so I am living paycheck to paycheck to travel into the City every month to sit at a desk all day and have nothing to do despite my best efforts to try and change things. Things won’t change anytime soon so we shall leave the work issue there.

My relationship status? Well I am still going out with J. Almost a year since I met him and this time next week it would have been a year since I started talking to him. Yay. We’ve had a holiday to Barcelona (albeit a very quick city trip as had to take holiday from work otherwise I would lose it) and then parents invited us, alongside my brother and his Mrs, to Northern Cyprus for the a few days back in May. We got through those. It is said that travelling brings the worst out in people but I think the travelling bit is the easiest part it is the being around the person 24/7 in a place you don’t know and can’t get your ow space from. I am not saying this because I didn’t appreciate the company of J, quite the opposite but we’re both just very head strong and have our own preferences and find it hard to agree with what the other says at times, so it does get stressful. But we’re working on it. Well still working on it since the beginning so it should start getting easier anytime now, right?

J is lovely. I must emphasise this. He is loving, caring, forgetful but sweet, eager, opinionated strong minded, foul mouthed at times, but I accept all this and love it. I really do. I am lucky to have him. We fall out but we don’t shout or argue, we just disagree and get on with it, which for me is such a huge improvement on my past relationship with F, where we would shout the house down and reduce each other to tears and hate every time. But I do find myself questioning if I do care for J as much as I did F? I always used to get so worked up with F because I cared, I wanted to be perfect for him and when he criticised me and had a go at me I took it so personally and just wanted to prove to him that he was wrong and that I did care. And I did this by arguing because I always believed if the person was worth it you’d fight for it whether that be through arguments or whatever but if you didn’t you simply accepted it and didn’t show any emotion towards it? That is super twisted and doesn’t make sense but basically, those who love each other argue, right? Because they care?
But anyway, yes, I do care about J, I am just not sure if it is in the same way that I cared and loved F. But in my own other way I do love J and I don’t want to be without him, apart from to have my own space a few nights a week. I like to have my own space, especially more so since I have moved into my own place. I like the freedom. I like knowing things are in their place. I like leaving dishes uncleaned if I want to or a pillow out of place on the sofa because I just can.

Yes, I see J most weekends whether he comes to mine or I go to his and his flatmates in London. We do fun things, ride Santander (Boris) bikes, go to pubs, walks, festivals, gigs, parties, all sorts, and it is fun. But at the end of the day it is nice to got to bed on my own after this filled weekends with J and just sit with my thoughts.

I am sounding so horrible, but I have needed to just write this for months. I know I love J and that is why I am okay writing this, (I wasn’t really meant to be writing about this, it was meant to be a quick “Hi”, but the fingers got carried away!) I just still live for  moments in the past and finding the future a blurry haze that I am scared to venture into. I don’t want to think about life in December, or 2019, for I am struggling to see what life has in plan for me tomorrow. I am just going with the flow whilst walking on the eggshells leading the way. Hopefully at one point my feet will firmly touch the ground and certainty and confidence will behold me. (I can at least hope).

For now, it’s time to put the washing on the clothes horse, brush my teeth and catch up on Versailles before another day at work tomorrow.

I am back and do plan to stick around so please bear with whilst I get back into the flow.

Keep well
Not Quite Made Girl


Photo by Jerry Kiesewetter on Unsplash

Just the ‘Weigh’ I am

Oh goodness, I finally did it. I finally stood on the nemesis that comes in the form of scales. What a shock. After a few double takes at the numbers that were presenting themselves so boldly and confidently at me, I stood down from the scales. I quickly contemplated throwing them out the window, but it isn’t their fault I have eaten and drunk like a King these last few weeks. It is my own sorry doing!

Now, I am never one to be so open about my weight but ‘New Year and all that’ I have decided that in order to keep myself on a healthy path I need to be very honest and open about exactly what I am popping into that big mouth of mine.

I know the old sayings ‘The number on the scales doesn’t define you’, ‘I am worth more than a number on a scale’ and ‘the scale can only tell you what you weigh, not what your worth’, blah, blah, blah. but sorry that kind of thinking doesn’t work on me. For as long as I can remember I have had a very firm number in my head that I will never let myself weigh beyond and if I can I try to never allow myself to be within 10lbs of that heaviest weight. Currently I am wobbling on the verge of that number! I think I have had one piece of Christmas Cake and one Gluhwein too many this break.

I can’t lie – I have loved a lot of this past holiday season. I don’t really regret anything, nor am I being too harsh on myself for the weight gain. I have had such a good time, explored new place, created smashing new memories and enjoyed myself. They do say you shouldn’t regret anything that makes you happy, right?

So, I know I am a few days late to this who January – New Me thing and missed the start of diet season and Dry season too, but I was too busy drinking Edinburgh Gin and warming myself up with Gluwvein to start on the 1st. Sorry. Not sorry.

But yes, shall I divulge to you the unholy number that appeared in front of my horrified eyes yesterday on my nemesis, like President Snow to Katniss, Voldemort to Harry Potter, Captain Hook to Peter Pan (I think you get my drift). The number was… 133.2lbs. *faints* Now, I know numbers mean different things to different people, but this isn’t a criticism or anything to anyone of that number or above. It is simply a shock to me because ever since I have been about 15 I have always been adamant to stick below a certain number because I was a very podgy child and in a way, although I can’t change my looks, I can control my weight and being below a certain number makes me feel just a wee bit better about myself. Everyone is different and I believe as long as YOU are happy with how you are, then that is all that matters!
For me, I am not happy if I am over my maximum, which I won’t disclose, but my current weight is near.

Current weight stats for Mad to Made Girl are in and they are:

  • 21.1% fat
  • 58.6% water
  • 133.2lbs – Weight
  • 22 inches – Thighs
  • 27.5cm – Arms 
  • Waist and Stomach no measurements as the fabric tape measure that I got in a cracker wasn’t big enough 😭 Once I find one of suitable size or shrink my waist and tummy I shall provide the actual measurements, until then, let’s just establish that I have gained too much to actually measure.

I am disclosing this all with you because I want to be honest with myself, I want to have a reason to stick to my new regime, whatever that will be. To be honest, it is just me rambling to myself if I am honest! But I would like to share this new journey with you all. I want to do it in a healthy way and by posting about it, I am hoping it will stop me from reverting to my old ways of binging and purging. Instead, take up exercise and eat nutritiously. I am hoping I will find some support on here throughout.

Now for the exciting stuff: I have a new plan in place. Well I actually have yet to verify it and actually do it, but it will go along something like this.

  1. Eat two or three meals a day 
    I currently don’t really have a plan when it comes to food, I simply eat when I am hungry. I have never been a breakfast person but maybe this needs to change? Everyone says how important breakfast is but I find the earlier I start eating the more I will eat throughout the day and crave more bad foods. So, whether it is breakfast or lunch I will ensure that I have at least two nutritional meals a day.
  2. No snacking unless Fruit 
    I am the world’s worst at snacking! I graze very much like a cow. I will start on one sweet thing and graze myself through the whole pack and then some. So, i will make a concerted effort to not buy sweet things filled with refined sugars but instead eat less sugary fruits such as Kiwis or Raspberries.
  3. Cut back on Sugar and Sweets
    See above.
  4. Drink at least 2 litres of water a day 
    I am terrible at drinking throughout the day. I rarely drink. And when I do it will either be cups of teas, fizzy drinks or alcohol. But no more I say! I shall fill my personalised Love Island bottle at least 3 times throughout the day to ensure I am getting my 2 litres.
  5. Eat vegan or vegetarian meals at least three times a week
    I am not doing this because people say it is healthier, I am simply choosing to do this because I want to reduce my meat consumption because I am not sure I entirely feel comfortable with the whole procedure of how we get our meat. Although I do eat mostly organic meat, it is still a life of an animal. I used to be a vegetarian when I was 15/16 and was one for a good couple of years. At that time there wasn’t a vast amount of options for vegetarians but now a days the selection is huge and it is often tastier than the meat equivalent.
    I have prepared myself with two vegan books, I just need to find where to get things such as vegan cheese, and other vegan products. If you have any recommendations then please give me a shout, it would be greatly appreciated.
  6. Cook majority of meals from scratch
    I do enjoy cooking and knowing just exactly what is being put in my food. I want to have that control and knowledge. And the only way I can guarantee this is to cook from scratch.
  7. Prep meals in advance 
    I am the laziest person once I get in from work. Although I finish work at 5.30pm I don’t normally get home until gone 7pm because of the commute. By that point, I am too knackered to even think about cooking so normally pop something in the microwave so I can then have a bit of the evening to myself to relax.
    But no more my friend, no more! I am going to prepare my meals on a Sunday so I have no excuse. I will batch cook, freeze things and just do general prep so I have zero excuse to not cook.
    As the saying goes, failure to prepare is preparing yourself to fail. 😉
  8. Exercise at least three times a week and be active (walking) every day for at least 60 minutes 
    Thanks to Samsung Health I can measure my activity level every day through their app which automatically picks up whenever you are walking. I will ensure to get to the 60 minute mark everyday. This will encourage me to get up from my desk at work more often and just take a quick walk around to encourage circulation and concentration. That’s my excuse anyway.
    I will also try to go to the gym and do cardio around three times a week. A nice bit of running on my good friend the treadmill (although being a bit of an old lady I do have trouble with my hip and knee so this might hinder me) or step master, or the cross trainer or the bike. I will also try to do at least one day of strength a week. But as I am reluctant to increase muscle mass, I will concentrate on cardio to encourage fat burning before I concentrate on strength.

So, there you have it mon ami (mon amie or mes amis) my exciting health adventure.

Ooo, I did forget one think. Now prepare yourself because this might come as bit of a shock, but… I am not drinking for one whole month! Yes, me, the gin lover, the prosecco downer, the avid cider drinker and the cocktail connoisseur is no longer. I am going dry from the 5th January to  the 4th February. I have already been staring in the fridge at a can of cider that I am desperately wanting. 😧 Then if I survive that, I am sweating at  the mere thought of it and already having withdrawal symptoms then I shall only really drink at weekends. God, take a deep breath Not Quite Made Girl you can do this. Alcohol isn’t everything. Yes, it helps confidence and eases social situations but maybe it is time I learnt to do this without my friend booze. Wish me luck.

I want this to be a bit of a light hearted thing. I want to take the pressure of myself to be a certain way. But most importantly I want to discourage my habits of binging and purging. I have already done this twice in 2018 and we are only five days in. This needs to change. I want to be healthy and see food in a positive way. I want to enjoy it. I don’t want to keep feeling the negativity and fear that I have when it comes to food. I don’t want to fear eating out with people or letting myself indulge every now and then without feeling the need to purger. I want to be ‘normal’ in my relationship with food and hopefully this will help.

I will be very honest throughout this next month and a bit with weekly updates. i will include updates on measurements. Any exciting recipes that I have found or new workouts that I would love to recommend. After that I will see where I am and whether I still need to be so present with in on here. I don’t want health an food to dominate this post, but for now, I feel like this could be a good way to maybe find support and to support others. I don’t want this to be a diet, because it isn’t, it is a change of relationship. Change of view when it comes to nutrition.

Any advice or suggestions for recipes or exercises or blogs to follow would be very much appreciated. I am a novice and am not good at sticking to things, so please, any words of wisdom or past experiences would be great to hear.

Here’s to the next month and a bit and to getting healthy and learning to love food in a healthy way again.

Not Quite Made Girl


P.S. this will now be sharing the Progress Updates page that I had going on my progress on changing to get F back. I will post both Progress Updates and Health updates on that section.

Photo by patricia serna on Unsplash


It’s that time of year. The time to reflect back on the past 12 months, the last 365 days, all 8760 hours of it!

What a year this has been. I think it has been the worst and best year of my life. What an oxymoron.

This year started off as a tough one for my mental health. I knew things weren’t always right with me, mentally and I suffered such lows and panic but I never really had anyone to talk to about it and despite my many cries of help over the years, no one reached out to me and offered me a hand,
So, unfortunately this year it all just came too much for me to handle anymore. I was getting worse and all it took was for a flight back from such an amazing holiday with F, for things to come to a head. The panic attack was the start of it – it led to being signed off work for months, going to CBT, trying different tablets and for those around me to try and learn a little about mental health.

Continue reading “2017”

You know the truth by the way it feels

I think it is time that I wrote about something a bit more positive and upbeat. I know my blog seems so doom and gloom a lot of the time and me ranting and raving but I promise that I do have some good going on and stuff that I do appreciate and value.
So, I mentioned something along this earlier in another post (Dear F, (9) and Dear F, (10)), and I now feel that it is the right time to divulge into it a bit and open up about it. More so because I have found myself in a bit of a dilemma with it. I know, nothing ever seems to be smooth running, or should I say, I don’t like to make it easy for myself! 

Continue reading “You know the truth by the way it feels”

You’ll Never Know 

‘You’re a woman’, ‘You don’t have an eating disorder’, ‘You have gained a substantial amount in 2 months’ and ‘You’re fine’. 

This was just clips of my previous GP appointment that keep popping up in my head and making me feel that surge of hurt and anger at not being listened to. At not being heard. The anger that my gender has anything to do with the situation that I find myself in. 

I find it hard enough going to go to the Doctor’s. I always have. I have an irrational fear of seeing them. I always have this belief that they aren’t going to listen. That they won’t believe me and that I am just making it up, despite how I feel at that time. And in that appointment, my fears were completely justified. I had every reason to dread going to the Doctors, because instead of listening or helping, they give you a lecture and make you feel worse. 

Continue reading “You’ll Never Know “

I’m in that state of mind Where I bottle everything inside my head And stare at the ground

Wow, it has been a while since I’ve ventured to this neck of the woods. Feels like I am in a room at a family reunion and not quite sure what to say to you all. Feels a bit awkward turtle in here. I know I keep having moments of being overly trigger happy on the typing front then I disappear into oblivion for a bit. I keep saying sorry for my lack of writing, but no one cares really, do they? And clearly I don’t mean my sorry because I keep doing it over and over, so sorry about that.

I wish I could say I have been absent for a good reason; that I have been happy, socialising, enjoying this thing that we call life. If I did say this, I would be lying. Not wholeheartedly lying but for the most part, I would be.

Life’s a funny old thing, isn’t it?  Life with mental health illness is even funnier. You never know quite how you feel. If you’re coming or going. If you want to smile or cry. If you want to love and be loved or be alone. If you want to live or die. There’s never a definite answer to those conflictions. Continue reading “I’m in that state of mind Where I bottle everything inside my head And stare at the ground”

Hit the reset, I’m starting again

I have returned! It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I apologise for that. There has been a serve lack of postings, whether it be Progress Updates, Dear F (YAWN!), Tunes or even Reviews. I am sorry, but worry no more, for I am back with a post. I’ll leave it up to you whether you think it is interesting or not.

So here’s my sorry excuse as to my lack of posts: I kind of lost all faith in my blog. I started to doubt my ability to write and how little my blog got read. Yes I boycotted Mad to Made Girl for a week before I told myself to snap out of it and stop being so self absorbed. I never started this blog with the intention for people to read it, I only ever wanted a place where I could write my thoughts and opinions without anyone really knowing who I was and without judgement. It was a space for me to rationalise my thoughts. To think things over. Anonymously. But how lucky am I, I have got followers, I have got people viewing it. It doesn’t matter that it might only be 2 or 3, that’s more than I ever expected and I am grateful for that. So with this kick up the bum to pull myself together, I am back here with a new post.  Continue reading “Hit the reset, I’m starting again”

Blog at

Up ↑

Flying Solo

Mid twenties girl trying to get through a thing called 'life'

👣 Helen's Journey 👣

Green Living & Natural Product Reviews / Wellness / Positivity / Chronic Illness / My Poetry / My Faith / My Life Lessons & more...

Reading Through My Eyes

Creating a shared vision through the power of books

Football Analyst

Authoritive views on everything football

In A Messy World

All vibes welcome🌙🍃🌺✧