Eureka! ūüí°

It’s been a while. I do apologise. Life has been happening as of late. And in a good way. Hallelujah!
In the words of the band Paramore:

Things are looking up
Oh, finally
I thought I’d never see the day

They really are looking up and for the first time in a long time, I feel generally content with my life and everything that I have. It has taken me a while to reach this point of realisation but I am so glad I finally have.

So many aspects of my life are going right. Things have fallen into place on the job front and with regards to my relationship with F, I feel we are both finally on the same page of understanding and happier and stronger than we’ve ever been. I don’t want to brag or rub it in everyone’s face, because that’s not the point of this blog. The reason I want to talk about the highs and happiness that I am experiencing at the moment is because I want to show that no matter how low you get or how much of a dark, lonely place you find yourself in, there is always light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can’t see it at that point of time.

Only a few weeks ago, was I at my lowest, not wanting to continue with life anymore. Believing that me and F were doomed for. That I would never get a job. That I would be stuck at home forever. That I would have to sit at home and look at the same four walls all day, day in, day out. I felt so distant from my friends, my family and F. I was so alone. So desperate. I wasn’t functioning. I shut myself off from the world. I stopped blogging. Stopped replying to those around me. I was at the point of just curling up into a ball and just disappearing. I couldn’t see any other way out. I didn’t want to continue living that way of life. The fear. The anxiety. The worry. The unknown. The uncertainty. The lows. The sadness. The questioning. The darkness. The thoughts. The helplessness. The desperation.

A few weeks later and I am in the best place that I have been in a long while. I got there. I got there mostly on my own but I had tremendous help from therapy with IAPT and also my wonderful other half, F. I have been so lucky to have had both of these supports over the last few months. They’ve not always known the full truth of how I have felt, or the actions I have taken, and they’ve not always fully understood the situation but without them, especially the love and care of F, I don’t know where I would have ended up.

Therapy taught me that my worries aren’t worth it. They’re mostly hypothetical. I can’t control them. There’s nothing that I can do that will change the outcome. Therefore there’s no point worrying and getting anxious about it. I’ve learnt to deal with my worries for half an hour each night when I have time to myself and decided how I want to deal with them and if there’s anything I can do to control them. If there’s nothing I can do then I just put it in the box and forget about it. I’ve learnt that when I am having a worry to concentrate on the details on an inanimate object next to me. What colour it is. The texture. All the fine details. That way I take my mind of the worry and focus on something else that has no impact on me and my worries.

F. Me and F. What a whirlwind the past few months have been for us. We almost broke up. I became so dependent on him. So obsessed with him. So needy for him that it was destroying us. I felt so much pressure from those around me and that of society with regards to mine and F’s relationship that I let it get in the way of me and F just simply enjoying each other’s company and being happy and relishing in that. We lost it. We lost us. We lost our jokes. Our easiness. Our happiness. I let my depression and anxiety intervene. I let what society expected get in the way.

These days, there’s so many pressures when it comes to a relationship. There are so many expectations. It seems these days everyone is in such a rush. They have to move in together. Get the ring on their finger. Get married. Have kids. There’s such a rush at such a young age. But when we rush into it all, what have we then got to look forward to?
Why can’t we simply enjoy just being two separate individuals, who enjoy each other’s company, love each other and want to spend time with each other without having to feel the need to confirm your love for one another with gestures such as moving in. Why isn’t spending time together enough anymore? Why isn’t that enough of a gesture? Why does there have to be so much more? We’re only young and I am so excited for the future with me and F. But for now, I am so content and comfortable with seeing him as and when I do, and creating fun memories and moments with him. I look forward to the milestones with him, but right now, this milestone of simply being in a relationship and happy is more than enough for me. For us. We’re happy. We’re on the same page (after a very awkward and public chat. Almost breaking up at a beer festival then sitting in the woods discussing every little thought and worry we had. But I am so glad we had that chat. That awkward, hurtful, upsetting moment. It finally got everything out in the open. We finally both understood each other. We both had a weight lifted off our shoulders. It allowed us to be us again. Us, who were so in love, so happy. So weird and always laughing. Going with the flow of life and enjoying it). We’re a happy couple who are living in the present and I wouldn’t wish for anything more.

I must confess. I finally started a full-time job two weeks ago. This has helped immensely with my recovery. It has offered me a distraction from my worries and my thoughts. It has given me something to focus on. Get up for each day. New challenges to face. New people to meet. A new way of everyday life.
I was so anxious. So sick at the thought of starting this job. I was worried about the interactions with new people. The routine. The getting up each day and getting out of bed. Having to plaster a smile on my face everyday and appear to be happy. But a few days in and I felt at ease. I loved the distraction. The opportunities that I was being given. The people I was working with. The excitement of each day.
I love it. And it has helped me feel human again. I feel I have a worth. I have a reason for being here.

All this put together has helped me more than words can express. I am so, so grateful. Life is a beautiful thing once you realise how precious it is. How many opportunities are surrounding you. The feeling of being loved by someone so greatly. Meaning so much to people. Having a role in everyday life. Having an impact on a business, a situation or a person. You can achieve it. You do have a purpose. You are so worthy and so deserving of a happy life. It just might take a bit longer than you first thought. But it will get better. Just please stick on in there and your endurance, determination, perseverance and patience will pay off. You are a strong person and you will get your time. Please, don’t give up.

Not Quite Made Girl

x

MIA

It has been a while since I last wrote on here and I do apologise for my absence, not that my writing is of any interest.

I’ve had a lot happen in the past couple of weeks and I’ve not known quite how to handle it all. I’ve been very high then very low. There hasn’t been a balance and it is throwing me off.

Therapy:

So I’ve had two face to face session and got my third on Monday. My first session was not at all to my liking. I found it very difficult to agree with what was being said and the techniques that I was being taught. I did do a blog post on my first session. I did take on board the advice and kept a worry diary between the two weeks of my appointments.

I understood how the diary could help. How me deciphering if my worries were hypothetical or practical would help me control some of the extent of my worrying. I understood and so wanted this method to work. I gave it a go. My best shot. I kept it for the first week roughly. I wrote down my general worries throughout the day. I knew what these were so they weren’t a surprise. I knew majority of them were hypothetical and there was nothing I could do but it didn’t help me or the worrying. I just had them written down instead of in my head.

My second face to face session. I broke down. I had had a bad couple of weeks between appointments. My tablets were changed and before that I just felt generally low. I told my therapist about the past weeks. What had been bothering me. What I had felt. What had happened. All I was told was that my next appointment would be in a week and I’d be taught techniques to deal with the lows. And apart from a quick run over of my worry diary and some brief explanation of a new worry technique of only allowing myself to worry for half an hour at about 7pm that was the end of the session. 

Third session was even more rushed and unhelpful. It was barely 20 minutes before we said our goodbyes and I was out the door. No techniques to deal with the lows. Not a lot was said except the next session might be my last. 

Medication: 

I was taken off my Prozac and put on a different tablet because the Prozac was not doing anything. This new tablet, I’m really not a fan. I don’t feel comfortable on it at all. I’m worried it is slowing my reactions down. That it’s making me gain weight. That it’s making me very high then very low. I hate it. I’ve stopped taking it because I’m convinced it is more harmful than good. Probably shouldn’t just stop all medication so abruptly but at the end of the day if I’m not comfortable with it then I’m going to stop. I felt it was really messing with me. I felt spaced out at times. Felt weird. I haven’t taken it since. 

I’m struggling. Really struggling. I’m so low. But I don’t want to restart taking the stronger tablets again. I can’t get an appointment for a month and even then it’s not with my normal doctor. I can’t get an evening appointment either so I’d either have to have half a day at work and take the morning as holiday or just forget it and hope I sort myself out. 
Job

Well for once I’ve got quite a bit to write about on this section. I’ve finally had a bit of luck. I’ve finally been given a chance.

A couple of months ago my auntie sent me a text telling me that her best friend’s son told her to get me to send him my CV so he could pass it on where he worked to see if anything was going.

I was in a very low place when I got this text and completely blanked it and ignored all existence of it. Then about a month or so ago me and F were out with my Auntie having drinks to celebrate her birthday and she mentioned the text. I tried to change the subject but F was already hooked on the conversation. He was adamant after hearing about the company that it would be a great opportunity for me. So long story short he kept asking and asking me if I had sent my CV off.

Long story short, after three interviews, I was offered the job. At first I was kind of excited then I didn’t really know what to think, then I was excited again and then I got anxious. Sickly anxious. Which didn’t go too well with my already low mood. 

All through the process I’ve been very up and down about the situation. A bit excited. Anxious. Worried. Panicked. Happy. Sad. I felt all emotions through it all. 

I had my first day this week and by the evening I was snuggled in bed in tears. There was nothing particularly wrong with my first day and the people are lovely but I just don’t feel mentally or physically ready for this all. But maybe once I get into the routine of it all I will start to feel better. Once I’m fully emerged in my role maybe I’ll feel more human again. 

Boyfriend

Well the next topic was going to be about how me and F were getting on but I already covered that in my previous post:

Im just generally exhausted with everything at the moment. I don’t know how I’m feeling from one minute to the next. I don’t know if I’m ready for life and everything it involves. I’ve got no choice but to be but I just sometimes wish I could curl up and maybe not exist for a while. 

Not Quite Made Girl 

X

Hot ‘N’ Cold¬†

In the words of Katy Perry:

You’re hot then you’re cold,
You’re yes then you’re no,
You’re in then you’re out,
You’re up then you’re down. 

Yes, Katy, you said it best. You’re been preaching it right for the past 9 years. It seems you have a good way with words.

So, what is Katy Perry doing in my blog? Well I was sat in bed with F the other day, I say sat, I mean half dozing, when suddenly this song came to mind. I know, out of all the songs out there and the tunes I listen to, I get a throw back to my early teen years. 

After singing it in my head multiple times I came to realise it actually resonated with me on a certain level. 

At first I thought it was to do with F. To describe him at times in our relationship. One minute he’s so expressive and loving, the next, a bit nonchalant about us. But the more I thought about it during this past week (I couldn’t stop singing it or get the tune out of my head, Okay?!) I realised that it was speaking more to me. I know, how can a song speak to you? Well it just did. It just perfectly described my emotions especially of those the past year. 

I am very up and down. Very hot and then cold. Very in then out with things.  Especially the past month or so. 

A lot is happening for me personally job wise. I’m finally starting a ‘proper’ job, as everyone calls it, on Monday in the city. I was excited but now I just want to cry and hide. The closer I’m getting to Monday and starting the more scared and sick I’m feeling. I don’t want to go. I don’t feel ready to be out in the big wide world. I don’t feel ready to be in a 9 to 5 routine 5 days of the week. I still can barely bring myself to get out of bed some days. How am I going to cope with working life? The fear of a panic attack is becoming more and more of a reality but I have to hide this from work. I can’t show them this side. I’ll have to learn to put on the persona that I’ve created everyday and ensure that smile and confidence shines.

As well as the job front I’ve come to a very personal and harsh reality. I’m no good for F. I have never been good for him and I never will be  I’m too up and down, and too hot and cold for him. He tries his best but why should he have to? He can’t continuously worry about me and keep asking me how I am. It’s not fair on him. 

I have also realised that I’m far, far, far too dependent on F. I was getting in too over my head with him and our relationship. I

*interlude music*
Automated voice: Hold the line please


Sorry about the interruption. The day that I wrote this post, well started to write it, was the day that it all finally got too much for me. I had another mini breakdown (woo, go me! That’s two breakdowns in the space of a couple of months, therapy is going well as I am sure you can all tell!) and it was quite possibly the worst time to have a breakdown, especially around F.
We had had a lovely weekend with his friends up in the Midlands. Well I say we did, but all weekend and week I had been feeling.. odd, I suppose is the best way to describe it. As I was saying before it all erupted in this post, was that I had realised I was getting far too involved with F. I wishing for too much with him. Wanting too much from him. Wanting and envisaging too much that future that I hope for. I wanted it sooner rather than later and I just have the gut feeling that F is very much not in the same place as me.

After Sunday night at F’s, the next morning I felt different. It was like I had an epiphany, a realisation at how I was feeling. It was like I was seeing me from the outside. It was a reality check. A much needed one. I really distanced myself from F all last week. I barely texted him. Didn’t check my phone to see if he had messaged. Didn’t hope to meet or even organise to see him. It was odd. But I managed it.

What I’ve realised now is that I was actually sabotaging our relationship. I was trying to make myself fall out of love with F. I was trying to force him to end our relationship. Why, I hear you screaming?! Well, quite simply put, I know it will come to an end sooner or later, so why let myself envisage a future. Why did I think I deserved a chance to be happy? Why should I have a partner that I can see spending my life with? Why do I deserve to be happy with this one person? The short answer is no, I believed I didn’t deserve to be happy, to have a long term relationship, to have that one person I can turn to. I thought, like most, he would walk away after leaving such heavy footprints in my life. I didn’t want to face losing him down the line. I don’t think I would cope. So I decided to sabotage our relationship and distance myself.

This failed. Of course it failed! But it all had to come pouring out on our car journey home when we were stuck in a confined metal tin that is a car in boiling heat for almost three hours! It all started over something silly: me leaving my ring at his friend’s house. I won’t go into it but long story short, we fell out and got stroppy with one another. I got so claustrophobic and panicked in the car that I insisted he pulled over at the nearest service station. And queue the breakdown haha! Outside a McDonald’s in front of a good few people I just broke. I cried. F was having none of what I was saying to him. We were still arguing about me leaving the bloody ring at his friend’s and us having to drive 2 minutes back to get it! For me there was so much to it. I half wanted to end it with F. I had felt I wanted to end it half the weekend. Not because I didn’t love him anymore but because I didn’t want to continue letting myself get in deeper with him when we might not both have the same hopes for the future. I kept my distance each night in bed, I wouldn’t allow my skin to even touch his. It was ridiculous, but for some reason it made sense in my head.

After much, backwards and forwards, F finally wiped the tears from my cheek and listened. I told him majority of everything that I was worried about. What I had been doing all week. How I was sabotaging us. How I was trying to convince myself I didn’t love him anymore. How I wanted to end it all now with him instead of him ending it down the line. I got a lot off my chest. We spoke about my depression and anxiety, all whilst we were sat in McDonald’s car park in the car! I told him just how low I get. How it feels for me. How this is a long term thing. It is something that will stay with me for life. I will have episodes but I will hopefully learn to handle them better. He seemed to understand. He couldn’t understand how I thought we were going to break up down the line. He finally heard a lot of what has been on my mind and what I want him to know.

There are still a few topics which are out of bounds to talk to him about. And maybe one day I will finally disclose them. Maybe one day he will be that bit more open with me. Be that bit more understanding and not jump to criticism of himself or of me as quick. He will hopefully realise that he does make me happy even if he believes that I am suggesting he does things wrong. He’s a good egg and I love him. There’s so much I want to share with him, and I will in due course. I hope this was just the start of many truths and honesty being spoken. But maybe with less scorching, claustrophobic and public setting next time, please?

Not Quite Made Girl

x

P.S. sorry Katy Perry, this post kind of went on a tangent from your song, but the idea is still there and well, I’m still a lover of this song so I’ll continue singing to it! 

 

 

Dear F,

Well here I am writing you another letter. I suppose I find it easier to express myself to tell you just what is on my mind and the hypothetical worries that I have.

This weekend was my first weekend without in a while. I didn’t expect to find it as hard as I have. It didn’t help that this week I haven’t exactly been in a great place mentally. But spending the whole weekend without seeing you or touching you was hard. There were so many times that I found myself yearning for you and a ‘your’ hugs. Your comfort. Your security. I dreaded a whole weekend in with my parents. It was as I expected. Them bickering most of the weekend over menial stuff and many awkward silences. It was nothing compared to the easiness and comfort of our weekends together at yours with your family. I missed them.

All weekend I have had so many thoughts running through my head. I have been really struggling with them. And I have had no one to turn to for confirmation that everything was okay and will continue to be okay. So I thought I would get them all down in a letter. I chose to write it to you because you’re the one who I want to understand what it is that I feel and fear. What keeps me up. What makes me sad. What hurts me. What makes me behave the way I do at times.

I know it is annoying me always doubting and questioning everything all the time. I wish I didn’t keep doing that. Maybe if I talk more openly to you and try to explain just what is worrying me then perhaps I will stop questioning us all the time.

I don’t need to state it because it is so obvious, but I love you. I love you so much. I love you more than anything in life. I know at times I have a funny way of showing it but I really do love you and value you for who you are. I know I can talk to you. I can turn to you. You will listen. But I do worry if I even say one thing that you don’t like the sound of you will get all defensive and not try to understand. You will take what I say as criticism. But it isn’t. You will take it as me not being happy with you. Me picking at you. Me thinking that you don’t do enough. That you aren’t perfect. That isn’t what I mean at all by whatever I say. I tell you so often how happy you make me, how much you mean to me, how much I love all the little things you do. I simply am telling you how I feel at times and what worries me. It isn’t a reflection on you. It is me. It’s my anxiety and depression getting the better of me and I’m sorry you take that as me criticising you. That’s the last thing I want to do. I only ever want to show you how much you mean to me and how much I appreciate you and everything you do.¬†You really are an amazing person. Words don’t do any justice. You are a patient person and I do push you at times to your limit.¬†I apologise greatly for that. I don’t want to annoy you or push your patience but I just work myself up over little things and I just can’t hide that from you. You’re too good at reading me and I feel so at ease around you I just can’t hide my worries or upsets that I experience. I trust you with seeing that side of me and you handle it so well especially when I’m annoying you by commenting on my weight, how I feel inferior to those around me and how I find it so hard to believe that you do love me and think me beautiful despite my many, many flaws.

I’m just scared. So scared of losing you. I have never feared losing something so much in my life. I never expected to have such a connection and love with someone. I never thought I’d be so lucky to find it with someone like you in this lifetime. I really am lucky and I don’t want to lose this.

You’re the full package and men like you are rare to find. I find it so hard to believe you picked me. You want me. You love me. Not because I doubt you but because here I am, this hot mess who is so up and down. Why would you love that? There’s a sea of girls who I am sure are “normal”¬†and would jump at the chance to have you. That’s the only reason I get silly and question your love for me because I am so difficult at times. I’m a bit of a roller coaster ride in life. I worry because I am difficult and a lot to handle. I’m not drop dead gorgeous or a Victoria Secret Model. I have my lows and worries that do take over and make me question if you do still want me or just too scared to walk away. I know you reassure me continuously and I trust and believe your words. I don’t know what triggers me¬†getting so scared and anxious about you not wanting me when all you do when we’re together is show me love.Your reassuring forehead kisses, the familiarity and comfort of your hand in mine, the security and safety in your hugs and cuddles, the passion and care and the love of just being held in your arms as we sleep. I know you love me and show me often.
I never doubt your love for me because of anything you do, I simply doubt it because of how I am at times. Please know I never doubt these actions towards me or their genuinity.

We’ve known each other for practically a year and seeing each other almost as long. And it has been the happiest year of my life. For me is it the longest relationship I have had. I have become dependant on you at times, and consider you the biggest and most valuable part of my life. I haven’t felt that way in other relationships. I normally get doubts and realise I don’t want a future with them in the first couple of months. But with you, you have made me realise just what I want from life and that I want to keep you there by my side. I want to invest my all in our love.
Because I have had such bad relationships in the past, I have so many worries when it comes to ours. I’m worried what the future will bring. I don’t know what the protocol is when it comes to relationships because everyone is different. I’m worried I’ll F*ck it up, by pushing you away, pushing you to turn to someone else, to make you fall out of love with me because of who I am.

We all have this idea of love. More often than not we get this idea from films and those around us how relationships should be. I often compare our relationship to those closest to me, more than I should. I don’t know why I do this. Their relationships aren’t perfect and I wouldn’t exchange a single thing of ours for anything they’ve got. Our love to me, is picture perfect. I always say how lucky I am. This is my fairy tale romance; mine and yours. Not theirs. And I’m so happy and in love with it.
I may get jealous in a sense that they get little surprises from their other half, going on trips continuously or living together from quite early on, but you have taught me that love isn’t about any of those things. It isn’t about having the need to show it off to the world. It is simply being able to spend time with that one person, even doing nothing but watching a film together at home and enjoying each other’s company. It is sitting in silence but no awkwardness, just ease. It’s receiving a hug from you when I am having a bad day. These are things that I want and I am so lucky to experience them with you. I’d rather that than anything else those around me have. It’s taken a while for me to come to the realisation of what love is but I’m so glad you’ve taught me just what it is.
I know I get upset with you at times because you haven’t been able to read my mind and know what I’m thinking or want. I know you think you’re always being helpful and doing your best. You do, you really do. I just get stupidly sensitive over such petty things. I panic that if you don’t want to see me one night that you no longer love me or want to be with me. Not simply because you just want a night to yourself to relax and have your own time, which is human and completely understandable. I get so irrational about it, and I am sorry. I think you do so much with me and you do it because you want to and you deserve time to yourself and it doesn’t mean you love me any less.
It is also difficult for you to understand just how bad I get, but I think after Thursday you have seen how bad it gets for me and what state I end up in. Once you saw me you were so understanding and caring, but before that you found it hard to communicate with me because you didn’t understand the state I was in. You didn’t quite believe I was that bad. I think you thought that I was just being irrational and over reacting. But you’ve realised I can’t help it. It’s what this anxiety and depression are doing to me. It’s how it gets me. It’s not you that gets me like that. You’re the one that helps get me out of it. You’re the one that reassures me that everything is okay. You’re the one that tries to always understand and keep learning about what I am going through. And for that I am so grateful and think you’re doing a fantastic job at it. It is hard to understand what it is like to keep feeling the way I do and I know at times it seems so alien and ridiculous but you’ve never given up on me, you’ve never stopped wanting to figure it out and find a way to help me. More often than not, you know how to help me before I know what I need. You encouraged me to come to London despite me crying and screaming down the phone. You planned a day out for us. You thought it would help. I was adamant I wasn’t up to it. But you showed me tough love and it was the only way I’d get to see you before you went on holiday and it turned out to be a good day. You got me from a crying mess when I met you, to getting a smile out of me and a conversation by the end of the night. You gave me hope again. You gave me a reason to smile. My reason was you and the love you give.

I want to have the chat with you. I want to see if there is a future with us. What kind of future you imagine. I don’t know your expectations or even if you see one anymore with me but I do look forward to a future with you. I am scared to talk to you about this. I fear your answer. I fear you don’t want the future that I want. I want to live together down the line. I want to know that we’re safe for a future side by side. You once stated that you thought¬†I could be I don’t know if you still believe this. I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t. I fear I’m too over whelming and too much for you to handle.¬†¬†Is my mental health becoming such a barrier? Such a problem for you to deal with? Are you worried about dealing with that for the rest of your life if we share a future together? I can’t promise that I will ever get rid of this, because I believe that even though I can fight it and I can get better, it will always be a part of me. I just believe that I will find ways at handling it better and controlling it. Learning when I am having these ups and downs and how to get out of them without impacting those around me. I will fight it because I want to have a future full of happiness and living each experience and adventure that life throws my way with a positive attitude¬†but right now, I am only just learning so it is a bit of an uphill battle at times. But I will get better and you don’t need to worry about me being as bad as I have been. I will be happy again. Especially knowing you’re by my side.

I think you know what I hope for and would like in the future. I’m sure you know. I just don’t know if you’re thinking the along the same lines. I want to have the chat. The chat about your hopes and dreams for the future. What plans you have.What you want. I want to know. I want to listen. I hope one day you will tell me.

We have so much and I’m so truly grateful. I’m so lucky to have you, the one person who believes in me, motivates and encourages me, supports me, helps me in their own way, gives me honesty, gives me security but most of all loves me despite my flaws. You have given me memories and experiences to last a life time this past year, so thank you. You’ve introduced me to new interests and shown me there’s so much to life than I first thought.

In the words of Virginia Woolf: “I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that – everybody knows it. I didn’t think two people could have been happier than we have been”.¬†

I love you completely, today and always,

Not Quite Made Girl

x

NB. I am too much of wuss to actually write this letter and give it to F but I needed to get it out of my system and write it down. And well what better place than my blog where I know he’ll never see it, despite it being for him.¬†
I know I come across so needy and clingy and sickeningly in love but that’s how he makes me feel, how he needs to see it because I don’t want to lose him over this. I don’t want my mental health to destroy that.¬†

 

How can you say you love me?

I know everyone perceives love differently. Not everyone loves the same. Nor wants to be loved in the same way. But I think there are some aspects of love that is the same between everyone.

When you love someone you would do anything for them. At any time. No ask would be too much. Or so that’s what I thought love was. Maybe it isn’t? Maybe love has become so commercialised now and no one really respects love like they used to. Maybe people jut believe they are in love because it is protocol and not because they actually feel it or believe it.

Everyone tells me I’m lucky. So lucky to have someone like F. So lucky that he has stuck by me. Lucky that he hasn’t run off during all this. Lucky to have his support. That he is a keeper and I should try holding on to him. Yes, he hasn’t ran through all this but does that really mean I am lucky? I don’t know why he hasn’t ran because I know how damn uncomfortable this all makes him feel. He doesn’t understand it. Doesn’t even attempt to understand it. Half volunteers to me that I can always talk to him, then when I do try to talk to him he doesn’t really listen, and suggests that I talk to my parents and get them to listen to me. I don’t want to talk to my parents. I don’t feel like they are my parents half the time. If I have to talk to anyone it will either be F or BeeBee.

This week I have been struggling. I have been so low. I’ve really regressed. I’m struggling to get through day to day life. I told F on Monday that I wasn’t feeling great. The response I got? “Sorry to hear that baby, hopefully you’ll feel better soon xx”. That was it. He didn’t enquire after me on Tuesday or Wednesday. We barely messaged the last few days because he always says he is busy at work so I try not to message him during the day and wait until I guess it’s his lunch time or when he is nearing the end of work.

Last night I confronted him. Asked him if everything was okay because he seemed a bit distant and he then proceeded to tell me that I was acting different. So I said to him I was struggling still and he simply asked if I had been taking my tablets! Who does that to someone they care about?! I explained the situation and he just said that he was glad they were taking me seriously. He just didn’t show an ounce of care. He didn’t offer to call. Offer to see me. He didn’t care enough to do all that. I had to tell him I hopes to have at least a chat with him and he simply said he could call me later. Not now. Or that we wanted to. But he could and would do so later. The phone call went about as well as the messages. He just didn’t understand. Didn’t attempt to understand. I think he was trying to shrug me off and get rid of me in all honesty. I think he’s so done with me and this illness. Who can blame him? 

He says he loves me and messages me as and when he can. He says he spends all his spare time with me (he doesn’t) and spend every weekend with me. This would be so sweet and lovely of him he didn’t always throw it in my face. He always says it in such a begrudging way when tries to prove that he loves me or whatever. It shouldn’t be a chore or a challenge for him to see me. He should want to. He shouldn’t even have to think about it.

We were meant to be going to London today and then in the evening going to a gig. But I have been feeling awful. I definitely don’t have it in me to be in London for the whole day. I told him I might not be up for it and what did he plan on doing. His response? “I was talking to someone at work yesterday about the gig and they were jealous, so I will just ask them”. That was it. No second guessing. No second thoughts. He had a back up plan that had no involvement of me. He knew I was struggling from our phone call last night. And I was desperate to see him yet he could so easily waste this last day of seeing him before he goes on holiday with a work colleague and not seeing me. If that’s what he wants to do then fine. But how can he claim to love me?

I love him. I love him so much. I would do anything for him. I would go running to his if I had no other method if he was struggling or in trouble. I would call him any time during the day no matter what I am doing. I would always message him to see how he was, what he was up to. Just talk to him. But it isn’t reciprocated half the time. He is so different in person to the person behind messages. And I find that so hard to deal with especially as for the majority of the week we aren’t together.

 This is my first real low since my original diagnosis and I think I’ve been okay and nowhere near as bad as I used to be. My first real low and F can’t be there for me. He just distances himself. How can that be love? You can’t love someone when they’re happy and in a good place. You love all of them. The good, the bad and the ugly. But he doesnt. He just loves the “happy” me. 

I’m off to the city and I’m in tears and feel rubbish. I so everything to please everyone and when I want someone to be there for me they aren’t. I only want a hug at home with the one I love but I can’t get that. I have to go up to the city against my will to even get to see him. 

Maybe I love too hard and maybe I’m under some fairy tale  impression of love and expect too much.  Maybe love isn’t as we thought. 

Excuse me, is this my brain?

I’m not sure where my brain has gone but wherever it has disappeared to, it can fully well stay there. I’m far better off with this hybrid brain that has taken over the past couple of days. Bye 404 Error brain, hello undeniably propitious one! 

I don’t know if I’m just experiencing a very high high or psychologically I have convinced myself that not relying on my anti depressants as often is more beneficial than taking them. I’ll let you know when this positivity ends and a low arrives. If it does. 

Today I had a job interview. Yes, me. I know, I couldn’t quite believe that after all these months of applying to endless jobs in the city, a company finally liked the look of me. Well actually I didn’t apply for the role. I’d like to say I got headhunted for it but that would be a lie too. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on who you know, these days it is definitely who you know more than what you know. And old family friend’s son got talking to my auntie and became aware that I was looking for a job in marketing. So him being the sweetie he is told my auntie to get me to send my CV to him and he’d pass it on if there was any jobs going. 

A day or so later after sending him my CV I got an email about a role with that company. I had my phone interview last Wednesday and was asked for a second interview face to face for today. I did have to think about it and let her know as it was a role I hadn’t really considered or heard of. Although it is still in the marketing field. I had a think. Spoke to my Dad and F and was reassured by both that it was a good opportunity and I was well suited to the role. 

So I accepted the second interview. Fast forward and we’ve arrived at today. The golden day or should I say the green day as it is St. Paddy’s day after all! ūüėČ I woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed (hahahaha yeah right, puh-lease!), makeup done, teeth shiny white, smart dress on, cars swapped over and me and F were off to London together. (I’ll go into things with F in a bit, but right now job interview trumps all.) We kissed and departed ways with many a good luck wish from F and I was on my own to tackle the underground. This is always a challenge for me as it sets my anxiety and panic attacks off. However, this morning I did it. No panic attack and less anxiety than usual. Yes, go me! I don’t know if it because I was on such a euphoria from having an opportunity  at an actual job in the city or because I had had a good night with F and it was exciting travelling in together and quite grown up. I don’t know but I’m not complaining. 

The office was amazing. I could see myself sat at one of the desks. Fitting in with the team. My interviewers were so cool. Relaxed and down to earth. They seemed like possible friends more than the scary, daunting and intimidating portrayal you think of when you are faced with an interview. The hour flew by and I was soon sat in Pret with a smoothie updating F and then my parents about the interview. 

I’m trying to be positive about this and see it in a better light. I’m taking on w2bag Sarah told me. That when a situation arises. Stop before you act. Think about it. Is it really a worry and a negative or is there a positive outlook. So that’s what I did. As much as the negatives have burdened me the past few days leading up to the interview I have put on my positive thinking pants (helps that F is so ententhusiastic and encouraging about me taking this opportunity) and thought I’d make a list of the positives. Here goes: 

  • A job in the city 
  • Chance to feel like a grown up in a proper job 
  • Get a decent wage and maybe think about moving out of the parents 
  • The prospect of making new friends and having people to go for a drink with after work or during lunch
  • That the days I do stay with F we can travel up together 
  • Me and F can sometimes meet up after work and go for drinks or food 
  • I can get into a routine and hopefully get some balance in my life and moods 

So as much as the negatives thoughts still keep washing over me I’m not going to let them dominate  (well not for rhe majority of the time anyway) and I will be positive. I will try and get excited about the possible outcome and opportunity that I could face in a couple of weeks time. 

Until then I’m going to put it to the  back of my mind and revel in the love and affection that F had been showing me. He has shown just how proud of me he is. How much he supports me and believes in me. It’s really showing how much I mean to him and that maybe he does really love me for who I am. I’m so lucky that over 7 months down the line we’re still so affectionate and in love with each other. We’re still learning about one another but that connection between us is getting stronger and stronger and I really don’t see it breaking. I’ve seen a different side to F this week and I’ve fallen even more in love with him. I didn’t think it possible but each time I see him and speak to him I fall that little bit more and my heart beats that bit faster. Safe to say I’m still very much in love and smitten and nothing could possibly change that. Not even you, anxiety. You can try your best but I’m done letting you make me doubt F and our relationship. You’re not ratiomake and you paralogize continuously. I will get stronger at fighting you and you won’t keep winning. 

Not Quite Made Girl 

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404 Error

How many times have we all, over the years,seen the error message 404 error pop up when we tried to enter a URL for a site. The error? That now, apparently, the site no longer exists, was moved or deleted. Or we  typed in the URL wrong or the server responsible for the website is not running and the connection is broken.

At the moment I feel that my actions and behaviours are a result of a connection in my brain not running or simply being broken. I feel like I have regressed and facing a few errors. Maybe I am typing the URL in wrong or perhaps something has moved or been erased causing me to fall back into old ways.
I’ll stop with the analogy for now, especially as I don’t know a great deal about technology but it seemed to fit with what I was going with. So bare with.

I have fallen off the wagon a bit these past couple of weeks but no one has noticed because I’ve got well at hiding it. I’ve fallen into old habits and started new ones. I’ve become more reliant on my sleeping pills, taking my antidepressants less and turned back to my binging habits. Hello 404 error.

I didn’t intend to become disconnected from the right path of thinking. I didn’t mean to delete the part of my brain that encourages me to take my antidepressants, tells me that I should do something else instead of purging or even the part where I’m normally honest with F about what is going on. I keep trying to type in the URL to go back to being on the path to helping myself but it keeps coming up with error and the URL can’t be found. Instead I regress. I fall back into old habits. Type in the URL that I know still works even if it isn’t of any help or the complete opposite of the URL I’m actually looking for.

I thought my first face to face CBT would make me feel a bit more positive. Bit more switched on. See the light at the end of the tunnel. A knowledge that I can conquer this. But I feel it hasn’t quite done that. Instead I feel more distant, more detached and further from being me than I have been in a while. I feel so pressured. So stressed. But I don’t know what about. I have to keep a worry diary for the next two weeks and start to realise what is a hypothetical worry and what is a practical worry. And I think as soon as I heard that I felt that panic that I used to feel in school. I felt like I was a student at school again. And I hated school.

To control how I’m feeling I’ve been turning to binge eating which really won’t be helping me as I should be sticking to a healthy diet cause that always makes me feel better. But I can’t help it. It’ll start off with a cookie here or there and the next thing you know I’m at a supermarket buying a twenty quid shop of binge food. I don’t care when I’m eating it. I just keep chomping away as if there’s no tomorrow. Once the food has gone that’s when it hits me. I get an overwhelming guilt come over me. And the way to deal with this guilt? To purge.

I’ve also not been sleeping too great. I think I have slept well two nights in the past month and that’s when I’m with F. Even then I’m still up numerous times in the night but I feel at least a bit more refreshed when I wake up. ¬†Other times I have woken up more tired than when I went to sleep. Its exhausting. I have no energy to do anything. I did rely on sleeping tablets at first and they worked a treat. However a week later their effect had worn off so I stopped. Now I’ve started taking them again and although it takes me a while to drop off to sleep I soon do and I manage to get some z’s. I’m starting to run out of them now and I’m panicked that when I do I won’t get prescribed anymore and will go back to little sleep.

My antidepressants. I’m really not sure if they’re helping or hindering. I do my best to take them but when I stay at my boyfriend’s at the weekend I often forget to take them with me so fall out of habit of taking them. I just don’t like taking tablets. I hate feeling the reliance on two tablets to ease how I feel. I don’t want to be dependent on them.

I know I’ve fallen off the rails a bit. And I know I’ve become a bit disconnected from my goal. But I’m hoping it’s only temporary and I’ll soon stop receiving the 404 error message and the goal URL will be back up and running.

Not Quite Made Girl

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