You’ll Never Know 

‘You’re a woman’, ‘You don’t have an eating disorder’, ‘You have gained a substantial amount in 2 months’ and ‘You’re fine’. 

This was just clips of my previous GP appointment that keep popping up in my head and making me feel that surge of hurt and anger at not being listened to. At not being heard. The anger that my gender has anything to do with the situation that I find myself in. 

I find it hard enough going to go to the Doctor’s. I always have. I have an irrational fear of seeing them. I always have this belief that they aren’t going to listen. That they won’t believe me and that I am just making it up, despite how I feel at that time. And in that appointment, my fears were completely justified. I had every reason to dread going to the Doctors, because instead of listening or helping, they give you a lecture and make you feel worse. 

Continue reading “You’ll Never Know “

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I’m in that state of mind Where I bottle everything inside my head And stare at the ground

Wow, it has been a while since I’ve ventured to this neck of the woods. Feels like I am in a room at a family reunion and not quite sure what to say to you all. Feels a bit awkward turtle in here. I know I keep having moments of being overly trigger happy on the typing front then I disappear into oblivion for a bit. I keep saying sorry for my lack of writing, but no one cares really, do they? And clearly I don’t mean my sorry because I keep doing it over and over, so sorry about that.

I wish I could say I have been absent for a good reason; that I have been happy, socialising, enjoying this thing that we call life. If I did say this, I would be lying. Not wholeheartedly lying but for the most part, I would be.

Life’s a funny old thing, isn’t it?  Life with mental health illness is even funnier. You never know quite how you feel. If you’re coming or going. If you want to smile or cry. If you want to love and be loved or be alone. If you want to live or die. There’s never a definite answer to those conflictions.

I just want to write. I want to get it all down. Out of my head. I want to try to make sense of some of these thoughts.

The last what, how long has it been since I last wrote? Month?  Month and a half? Well they have been a bit topsy turvey. Nothing significant has caused this to happen, I just don’t think I am handling things all that well and not really receiving much help when I do try to talk and ask for help.

I want to talk about my successes, because I have to at least have some positivism, right?

Where to start? There are actually a few good things that I have done, achieved and experienced.I have come out of my comfort zone, done things on my own that I never thought was possible and even dragged myself onto a plane and spent a weekend with extended family, when all I wanted to do was curl into a ball and not talk to anyone.

I went to my Best Friend’s wedding. On my own. And I only went and survived, didn’t I?! I got through it all, meeting her relatives the night before when I wasn’t expecting to see them, I went out to dinner with her and her family and I even managed to walk down the aisle with her and dance the night away on the dance floor! I was truly honoured to be so involved in my Best Friend’s wedding to the extent that I was but in all honesty I was stressing about it. I was dreading it at times, especially when I knew F wasn’t going to be there by my side for the whole day. I wouldn’t see his face across the room to reassure me I  was doing a good job, I wouldn’t have him there to dance with, to kiss, to celebrate true love with. I wouldn’t have him to go to bed with and enjoy the novelty of a hotel room. I don’t think anyone realised I would find it tough or that it was those little things that I would struggle with.

I was also fearing the amount of people. The conversations that I would have to make with people I hadn’t met before. Walking down the aisle before the Bride. How I was going to get there and how I was going to get back. How I was going to carry everything on my own. Whether I would fit into my dress or if I had binged too much so wouldn’t. Who would I spend the evening part of the ceremony with. What would I talk to people about?

I know these all sound so irrational to most people and a lot of  people out there wouldn’t even think these things before an event, but that’s what anxiety does. At times I get so angry at myself, because the anxiety is not only ruining it for me, but it affects other people. Leading up to the wedding, I just distanced myself from my Best Friend Bee, I felt I couldn’t talk to her because I didn’t want to distract her from the wedding. I had no one to talk to. But I don’t think I generally wanted to talk to anyone about it, because no one quite understands. They often just see it as acting irrational, and over thinking. Being dramatic. But it isn’t. They don’t feel the heart racing. Palms getting sweaty. The room starting to spin. The catch of breath. The obsessive thinking and overthinking of the situation, the outcomes, the possibilities. It’s a bizarre thing to face and no matter how much you try to tell yourself you’re being irrational and ridiculous, it doesn’t calm you down and doesn’t make it go away.

But, the event has passed, and I survived. I wish I hadn’t felt all that I did before the big day, but I did and I can’t take it back. I had a good time, got some good memories, and saw people I hadn’t seen since University. Conversation wasn’t always flowing and I wasn’t comfortable a lot of the time, but I did it. I got through it for my Best Friend and just seeing her as happy and as beautiful as she was, it was worth going to.

What’s the next thing that I have forced myself through?
Belfast.


I have always wanted to go to Belfast, More for the love of the accent of the people than anything else, but also because it is such a beautiful place. I finally got the chance to go and visit my cousin, who I haven’t seen in years with our Auntie for a quick weekend away. When I first booked this up, I was in a place where I wanted to keep myself busy and go on adventures, be sociable and be happy. The week leading up to the weekend, I felt low. I cried in work several times, I didn’t want to get up most mornings. I was struggling. I kept trying to think of ways to get out of going to Belfast. I didn’t want to see family. I was panicking about how I would feel around family I haven’t seen in a while. What conversation I would have. If I would have to talk about my job, which I was fully loathing at this point. If they would ask about my parents and how they were getting on. It was always awkward because years ago, my Uncle and my Mum fell out and we’ve never really spoken to him since or his family. The feud was between my Mum and Uncle, but I have a loyalty to my Mum and I felt guilty that I was going away for the weekend and spending it with her brother, who she despises. The only thing that I wasn’t worried about: was the flight. The thing that most people would panic about was the one thing I didn’t even care about.

It was obvious, I had no choice but to go.

The trip was very up and down for me, personally. At times I felt like I was doing okay, but other times, I just wanted to disappear off on my own and not have to talk or listen to others. That sounds incredibly selfish, and I apologise profusely for that. I am so grateful to my Auntie for suggesting the weekend away and to my cousin for organising things for us to do. It was great to see my Auntie and Uncle as well, and they really couldn’t have nicer or more welcoming and warm than they they were. I appreciated the beautiful city that was Belfast, but I just couldn’t shake that low, numbing feeling that kept cropping out. 
I will do a blog post on Belfast, because the history, the people and the place are just incredible and I am champing at the bit to return and see all that Belfast has to offer. I will talk briefly of one thing that really spurred an excitement in me that I hadn’t felt for a while. I witness a protest. A  protest in favour of pro-choice. Now, I have never done a protest, or felt passionate enough about anything to actually get involved in one. However, watching these people in huge groups peacefully marching along voicing their opinion, it made me really excited and warm and wanting to join in. I felt a spur of passion about a topic which I haven’t felt in ages. 

I did Belfast. I spoke with my family. I even had to stay an extra day with them all because of Storm Ophelia cancelling all the flights back home. I smiled, I laughed and I did have good points. I made it through. Got some good memories and witnessed many new things. I dragged myself so far out of my comfort zone: I made conversation, got myself out of bed, plastered a smile on my face, did things I didn’t want to do and I had a good time for the most part. I even traveled to the airport on my own on the way back and got through the journey as well. TBH I think I relished on doing the journey on my own, I felt independent and liked having time to myself after a very full on weekend being surrounded by people. 

Finally, the third thing that I count as a success, is me putting myself out there and meeting new people, doing new things and socialising. My October was a full packed month. I didn’t have one weekend to just relax and even during the week I was busy. But I wanted it to be that way. I wanted to be busy. I wanted new adventures. New people. New memories. But I guess there is only so long you can convince yourself you’re doing okay and that you are okay being surrounded by people and going out and doing things. This started of great. I loved going out. I went to a festival with someone new, I went to a show with another, I have been for cocktails, been cooked dinner, and even gone for a walk in Greenwich on a beautiful autumn day. I have made two people in particular who I have loved spending time with. Their conversations, their humor and their comfort really appealed to me and I was always so excited to go see them. I was seeing them every week and always had a laugh and came away smiling. Of course, I still had times on my own, when I would feel sad, alone and different. At times I regretted being as happy as I was and felt I didn’t deserve to be feeling that way. Other times my mind would wonder back to F, and the times we had together and the times we had planned for these next few months. Other times I just wanted to hide away, cut all communication and be on my own. I fought these feelings for the whole of October. I kept going out even when I didn’t want to and I am glad I did because I always had a good time. Yet, now I have sunk right back down. I have now cancelled three times on them and slowly reclining back into my shell. I know I shouldn’t. I know I should persevere and stick with this because I have been happy. I have laughed when I thought all I wanted to do was cry. I have met some really interesting people who have shown an interest. I just wish I felt more like I deserved to know them. That is deserved to have their friendship. That I deserved to be happy.

Please don’t misunderstand me, I am so grateful for my life and those that I have around me. I am grateful for the opportunities I have been given and those yet to come. I understand there’s a lot more hardship that others are suffering out there, and I am so thankful that I am fortunate enough to be who I am, where I live, Where I work and who I know, but no matter how much I try to remind myself and bring that to the forefront of my mind, I still just feel… how to put this politely… shit. I still, so much of the time find myself struggling to compute other thoughts that aren’t negative. I can’t help thinking at times that not to live would be a way to not feel the way I do anymore. I am tired of feeling so up and down. It’s exhausting. 

Not Quite Made Girl 

Hit the reset, I’m starting again

I have returned! It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I apologise for that. There has been a serve lack of postings, whether it be Progress Updates, Dear F (YAWN!), Tunes or even Reviews. I am sorry, but worry no more, for I am back with a post. I’ll leave it up to you whether you think it is interesting or not.

So here’s my sorry excuse as to my lack of posts: I kind of lost all faith in my blog. I started to doubt my ability to write and how little my blog got read. Yes I boycotted Mad to Made Girl for a week before I told myself to snap out of it and stop being so self absorbed. I never started this blog with the intention for people to read it, I only ever wanted a place where I could write my thoughts and opinions without anyone really knowing who I was and without judgement. It was a space for me to rationalise my thoughts. To think things over. Anonymously. But how lucky am I, I have got followers, I have got people viewing it. It doesn’t matter that it might only be 2 or 3, that’s more than I ever expected and I am grateful for that. So with this kick up the bum to pull myself together, I am back here with a new post.  Continue reading “Hit the reset, I’m starting again”

My Skin’s Smothering Me

Some days you just wake up and know it is going to be a weird day, and today that was one of those for me.
I got very little sleep the previous night. I wasn’t worrying about anything or too hot or uncomfortable, I just couldn’t drop off.
This morning came far too soon and my alarm was bleeping at me to get up before I knew it.

Today was the day of my hospital visit. For those that read my blog often, you will know that in my first progress update, I mentioned that I booked a Doctor’s appointment for three week times (that was the soonest I could get one) because I finally came to the realisation that I wasn’t alright. I struggled with my self image and with food. Doc was great and listened away to me far longer than he needed to and he understood. The most important thing for him to do first was to ensure that my eating disorders hadn’t damaged me physically and then his next priority is to deal with me mentally and see what help I can get for that. He has referred me to Talking Therapies again, so I will try that path once more now I know what I need to sort out.

Continue reading “My Skin’s Smothering Me”

Change is hard at first…

Messy in the middle and gorgeous at the end – Robin Sharma 

Change (verb) : to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone; to become different; to become altered or modified (dictionary.com)

whether you’re after a quote or a definition about change, it is pretty easy to come by. There’s a whole array of quotes about how a person or a situation can change. They make it seem feasible. Within your reach. That it is an attainable goal. Physically, yes it may be easy. I mean it’s on the outside. The change shows. You can see the change. Others can see it. There’s often so much more available to help you change on the outside. But is it really just as easy as to change oneself mentally as it is physically. Can people really change? 

I believe they can and here’s why. I feel like in a way, I am a living, breathing, in actual transition of a person changing mentally. It all starts with a trigger. A catalyst. Something that makes you become so aware that you need to make a change. And for me that was F breaking up with me. 

Continue reading “Change is hard at first…”

You’ll find someone better. 

‘You’ll find someone better’.

Why do people always say this when you break up with someone? I know they think it is to make you feel better, but realistically, it doesn’t. It isn’t even a fact. It is just something someone says in passing when there’s not a lot else to say.

This is all I have heard the past week and I’m sick of it. If I wanted to do better, I would have ended. If I thought I could do better, I would have been the one to end it. But I don’t want better. I had the best and I am not afraid to admit. I had my one. I had my other half. There is no better out there. There may be others out there, but they aren’t better because they aren’t F.
I know they are only trying to help and be positive, but to me, that’s the last thing I want to hear. I have dedicated a whole year, even more than a year, to this one person who I believed was going to be my one. Was going to be the one, that down the line I would marry, have children with and have a family. I have gone through so many highs and lows with this personal but that’s only because I care so much for him. If I didn’t fight for him then it shows I never cared. And I cared so much. I have become so invested in this one person, supporting him through everything, being so proud of him, being his cheerleader, showing him how much I loved him, yet the bad times just won. I don’t want better. I want F. 

Now, I know he will be being told the same thing, no doubt. It’s what people say when you break up as we have already established. However, maybe he can do better? He can find someone who hasn’t gotten a mental illness. Someone who is okay with who they are. But I know, given time I can be that person. I can learn to love myself and become more aware of my illness. I need to for my own sake more than anyone else’s. I need to be more open about it and seek the help. There’s so much in my past I need  to talk about and to understand and once I do that, I know I will learn to love myself and I can see that only being a short matter of time.
I have made big steps in learning to love myself and be me again after so many years. I started to love myself around F, he made me confident and happy but sometimes the anxiety would just win and make me doubt who I was as a person. But I am better than that and I have never said that before. I deserve to be a better person. I am a good person, I just need to be more open about my mental health because that has been holding me back far too long.
I am a better person and I can be better still. And I am working on that. I can be that better person for F, but I just need to know he is willing to wait and give me that chance. I am not asking for a long time, I just need to get my initial doctor’s appointment out the way, book some counselling, look at different medications as well as the pill and I am on my way. This will all be happening in the next couple of weeks and I am excited to see the outcome. Please F, can you just be there along the way and see for yourself. It will be worth it.

Mia

*Might be a trigger – Eating Disorders*

It’s time I talked about the other half of me. I have kept this locked up far too long. I have let it dominated me throughout the years and more so in the last few months. It’s become harder to talk about and harder to battle. The effect it has on me has been damaging not only on my physical health, but my mental health. Say hello to Mia.

I have touched upon my eating habits before but never in depth. Never openly. So now’s the time.

My disorders started when I was about 17. It started out through stress. No, that’s a lie. I have always battled with my appearance. I was never classed as pretty or beautiful at school and I was never catching anybody’s eye. One comment from a fellow pupil in my year has stuck with me. It was on a Facebook picture my friend had photographed of me as she was in to photography. And this guy just wrote Naturally ugly. He was quite popular, so if he thought that, and could say that so openly on social media, then I dread to think what he used to say to the others at school.
Another comment which has stuck with me for over 10 years came from someone who I considered a friend. I was walking away and she shouted, look at the fat jingle. Yes, there was a few of us having a tiff, but she picked me out. Singled me out.

Continue reading “Mia”

What do you do? 

What do you do when the one person who you loved most walks out of your life without a single care? How do you carry on living? How can you carry on as just one person when you’ve been part of a two for so long? How do you face your fears without your best friend by your side?

I’m struggling. Really struggling today. I’ve been sent home from work. My lack of food is affecting me but I have such little care for looking after the small things such as nourishing myself. I’m too focused on what I’ve lost and what I need to do to win him back.

I try to distract myself and avert my thoughts but I keep finding my brain running back to memories of me and F and all the things we had planned.

I lost all hope today that I would ever get him back. I feel I’m fighting a one sided battle. I’m on my own and there’s no victory in sight. I don’t get to have him back at the end of all this.

Continue reading “What do you do? “

You’re a product of your environment

In the famous words of W. Clement Stone:

‘You are a product of your environment. So choose the environment that will best develop you toward your objective. Analyze your life in terms of its environment. Are the things around you helping you toward success – or are they holding you back?’

Last night, whilst sat with my parents doing a crossword, I really analysed the way my parents behave to one another in ordinary, every day circumstances. And to my horror, I realised, the way I used to speak to F, is exactly that of my father. My father snaps at my mum, he speaks down to her, he doesn’t listen to her, he picks holes, he raises his voice when there isn’t a need and he is easily agitated.
When I realised this, I sat back in horror. I am my Dad, and that is always one thing I didn’t want to be. But it got me thinking, I really am a product of the environment that I have had around me for the last 24 years and that is why I think it is ‘okay’ or ‘normal’ to behave the way I did around F.

To be like my Dad, although he does have many pros, I don’t want to be like him. I don’t want his temper, his aggression, or the way he says things. That isn’t me and I refuse to let that part of me win.
So after researching the saying ‘You are a product of your environment’, I came across the full quote and instantly made that my mantra for change.

Continue reading “You’re a product of your environment”

Madness

Camden Town: the home of alternative rock. But also the home of the one and only band that is Madness.
On the radio today, a Madness song came on and as I sat and sung along with it, I realised its relevance. It sat true with me and F in a fair few ways. The song was My Girl. The me that was in the relationship with F, sounds the exact same of the girl in that song. I would get mad if he didn’t want to do something, because he’d rather sit at home or do something else. I would over react and become so sensitive to it. I would think he has had enough of me, that he doesn’t want to be seen with me in public, but like the song says, he simply was thinking:  ‘Why can’t she see, She’s lovely to me? But I like to stay in
And watch t.v. on my own every now and then’.

Continue reading “Madness”