Just the ‘Weigh’ I am

Oh goodness, I finally did it. I finally stood on the nemesis that comes in the form of scales. What a shock. After a few double takes at the numbers that were presenting themselves so boldly and confidently at me, I stood down from the scales. I quickly contemplated throwing them out the window, but it isn’t their fault I have eaten and drunk like a King these last few weeks. It is my own sorry doing!

Now, I am never one to be so open about my weight but ‘New Year and all that’ I have decided that in order to keep myself on a healthy path I need to be very honest and open about exactly what I am popping into that big mouth of mine.

I know the old sayings ‘The number on the scales doesn’t define you’, ‘I am worth more than a number on a scale’ and ‘the scale can only tell you what you weigh, not what your worth’, blah, blah, blah. but sorry that kind of thinking doesn’t work on me. For as long as I can remember I have had a very firm number in my head that I will never let myself weigh beyond and if I can I try to never allow myself to be within 10lbs of that heaviest weight. Currently I am wobbling on the verge of that number! I think I have had one piece of Christmas Cake and one Gluhwein too many this break.

I can’t lie – I have loved a lot of this past holiday season. I don’t really regret anything, nor am I being too harsh on myself for the weight gain. I have had such a good time, explored new place, created smashing new memories and enjoyed myself. They do say you shouldn’t regret anything that makes you happy, right?

So, I know I am a few days late to this who January – New Me thing and missed the start of diet season and Dry season too, but I was too busy drinking Edinburgh Gin and warming myself up with Gluwvein to start on the 1st. Sorry. Not sorry.

But yes, shall I divulge to you the unholy number that appeared in front of my horrified eyes yesterday on my nemesis, like President Snow to Katniss, Voldemort to Harry Potter, Captain Hook to Peter Pan (I think you get my drift). The number was… 133.2lbs. *faints* Now, I know numbers mean different things to different people, but this isn’t a criticism or anything to anyone of that number or above. It is simply a shock to me because ever since I have been about 15 I have always been adamant to stick below a certain number because I was a very podgy child and in a way, although I can’t change my looks, I can control my weight and being below a certain number makes me feel just a wee bit better about myself. Everyone is different and I believe as long as YOU are happy with how you are, then that is all that matters!
For me, I am not happy if I am over my maximum, which I won’t disclose, but my current weight is near.

Current weight stats for Mad to Made Girl are in and they are:

  • 21.1% fat
  • 58.6% water
  • 133.2lbs – Weight
  • 22 inches – Thighs
  • 27.5cm – Arms 
  • Waist and Stomach no measurements as the fabric tape measure that I got in a cracker wasn’t big enough 😭 Once I find one of suitable size or shrink my waist and tummy I shall provide the actual measurements, until then, let’s just establish that I have gained too much to actually measure.

I am disclosing this all with you because I want to be honest with myself, I want to have a reason to stick to my new regime, whatever that will be. To be honest, it is just me rambling to myself if I am honest! But I would like to share this new journey with you all. I want to do it in a healthy way and by posting about it, I am hoping it will stop me from reverting to my old ways of binging and purging. Instead, take up exercise and eat nutritiously. I am hoping I will find some support on here throughout.

Now for the exciting stuff: I have a new plan in place. Well I actually have yet to verify it and actually do it, but it will go along something like this.

  1. Eat two or three meals a day 
    I currently don’t really have a plan when it comes to food, I simply eat when I am hungry. I have never been a breakfast person but maybe this needs to change? Everyone says how important breakfast is but I find the earlier I start eating the more I will eat throughout the day and crave more bad foods. So, whether it is breakfast or lunch I will ensure that I have at least two nutritional meals a day.
  2. No snacking unless Fruit 
    I am the world’s worst at snacking! I graze very much like a cow. I will start on one sweet thing and graze myself through the whole pack and then some. So, i will make a concerted effort to not buy sweet things filled with refined sugars but instead eat less sugary fruits such as Kiwis or Raspberries.
  3. Cut back on Sugar and Sweets
    See above.
  4. Drink at least 2 litres of water a day 
    I am terrible at drinking throughout the day. I rarely drink. And when I do it will either be cups of teas, fizzy drinks or alcohol. But no more I say! I shall fill my personalised Love Island bottle at least 3 times throughout the day to ensure I am getting my 2 litres.
  5. Eat vegan or vegetarian meals at least three times a week
    I am not doing this because people say it is healthier, I am simply choosing to do this because I want to reduce my meat consumption because I am not sure I entirely feel comfortable with the whole procedure of how we get our meat. Although I do eat mostly organic meat, it is still a life of an animal. I used to be a vegetarian when I was 15/16 and was one for a good couple of years. At that time there wasn’t a vast amount of options for vegetarians but now a days the selection is huge and it is often tastier than the meat equivalent.
    I have prepared myself with two vegan books, I just need to find where to get things such as vegan cheese, and other vegan products. If you have any recommendations then please give me a shout, it would be greatly appreciated.
  6. Cook majority of meals from scratch
    I do enjoy cooking and knowing just exactly what is being put in my food. I want to have that control and knowledge. And the only way I can guarantee this is to cook from scratch.
  7. Prep meals in advance 
    I am the laziest person once I get in from work. Although I finish work at 5.30pm I don’t normally get home until gone 7pm because of the commute. By that point, I am too knackered to even think about cooking so normally pop something in the microwave so I can then have a bit of the evening to myself to relax.
    But no more my friend, no more! I am going to prepare my meals on a Sunday so I have no excuse. I will batch cook, freeze things and just do general prep so I have zero excuse to not cook.
    As the saying goes, failure to prepare is preparing yourself to fail. 😉
  8. Exercise at least three times a week and be active (walking) every day for at least 60 minutes 
    Thanks to Samsung Health I can measure my activity level every day through their app which automatically picks up whenever you are walking. I will ensure to get to the 60 minute mark everyday. This will encourage me to get up from my desk at work more often and just take a quick walk around to encourage circulation and concentration. That’s my excuse anyway.
    I will also try to go to the gym and do cardio around three times a week. A nice bit of running on my good friend the treadmill (although being a bit of an old lady I do have trouble with my hip and knee so this might hinder me) or step master, or the cross trainer or the bike. I will also try to do at least one day of strength a week. But as I am reluctant to increase muscle mass, I will concentrate on cardio to encourage fat burning before I concentrate on strength.

So, there you have it mon ami (mon amie or mes amis) my exciting health adventure.

Ooo, I did forget one think. Now prepare yourself because this might come as bit of a shock, but… I am not drinking for one whole month! Yes, me, the gin lover, the prosecco downer, the avid cider drinker and the cocktail connoisseur is no longer. I am going dry from the 5th January to  the 4th February. I have already been staring in the fridge at a can of cider that I am desperately wanting. 😧 Then if I survive that, I am sweating at  the mere thought of it and already having withdrawal symptoms then I shall only really drink at weekends. God, take a deep breath Not Quite Made Girl you can do this. Alcohol isn’t everything. Yes, it helps confidence and eases social situations but maybe it is time I learnt to do this without my friend booze. Wish me luck.

I want this to be a bit of a light hearted thing. I want to take the pressure of myself to be a certain way. But most importantly I want to discourage my habits of binging and purging. I have already done this twice in 2018 and we are only five days in. This needs to change. I want to be healthy and see food in a positive way. I want to enjoy it. I don’t want to keep feeling the negativity and fear that I have when it comes to food. I don’t want to fear eating out with people or letting myself indulge every now and then without feeling the need to purger. I want to be ‘normal’ in my relationship with food and hopefully this will help.

I will be very honest throughout this next month and a bit with weekly updates. i will include updates on measurements. Any exciting recipes that I have found or new workouts that I would love to recommend. After that I will see where I am and whether I still need to be so present with in on here. I don’t want health an food to dominate this post, but for now, I feel like this could be a good way to maybe find support and to support others. I don’t want this to be a diet, because it isn’t, it is a change of relationship. Change of view when it comes to nutrition.

Any advice or suggestions for recipes or exercises or blogs to follow would be very much appreciated. I am a novice and am not good at sticking to things, so please, any words of wisdom or past experiences would be great to hear.

Here’s to the next month and a bit and to getting healthy and learning to love food in a healthy way again.

Not Quite Made Girl

x

P.S. this will now be sharing the Progress Updates page that I had going on my progress on changing to get F back. I will post both Progress Updates and Health updates on that section.

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Photo by patricia serna on Unsplash
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Progress Update 104

Well howdy there y’all! Have I got an update for you or what?! I was a bit ant in the pants ish all day yesterday, in anticipation of how my actions and decisions yesterday would affect how this progress update blog would go. It was going to be either all doom and gloom (I know, I know, I have had enough of the misery and the sadness too!) or everything is coming up roses kind of blog. And guess what it is… (drum roll please…) COMING UP ROSES! 🌹🌹🌹

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Source: http://gph.is/1hegH2I

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Progress Update 103

Can I just get a round of high fives as yesterday I hit a couple of realisations and I actually achieved such a change in my train of thought, that a few weeks ago, would have been so different. Amazing what a couple of weeks does for you and a bit of drive, hope and determination.

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Source: https://giphy.com/gifs/barack-obama-president-they-tried-TEFplLVRDMWBi

 

Yesterday, the weather was shocking here. It was like a true winter’s day. It rained all day. It was flooding. It was grey. It was cold. It could have given me so many reasons to recluse within myself a bit and draw back from my positive outlook and go back to my old ways.

 

Instead, I embraced it! I got soaked on the way to work, but I was smiling. I didn’t care. It was such a minor thing, it wasn’t going to be permanent and I would dry off the second I got to work.
I walked in with a smile and greeted those around me. I feel I am becoming more approachable. I am dropping that barrier that I used to carry. And it is all thanks to being honest with those around me and being honest with myself.

On Tuesday, I finally opened up to those that I work with. I may have over shared a bit too much, but it helped. I got other opinions, other views, other people’s advice which is so different to that of those that I normally surround myself with, such as friends outside of work and my parents.
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Progress Update 102

A whole weekend without seeing F, once. Or even speaking to him. It has been so tough. But I have to show I am changing. The old me would have been bombarding him with messages, begging to speak, not giving him his space. Making things worse. But this way, I am just stepping back and letting him have that space.

So, what has happened this weekend? Has there been change? I think there has.

Where shall I start? I have finally booked a weekend away. I have needed this so much for such a long time. Just a weekend away on my own. Come to terms with what has been going on the last few months. And actually understand what I am thinking, how I am feeling and just think about it. How my behaviour has changed and how I am going to change that. I haven’t allowed myself to do that since I got the diagnosis because I wanted to pretend there was nothing wrong. I wanted to be normal. But I can’t brush it under the carpet anymore. So with this little break away, it is only 2 full days but half a day each side, I can just wonder along the beach, and just think. Take everything in. And learn to appreciate everything again. I have got so lost in everyday life here and all the changes and pressures that I felt hanging on my shoulders that I can just shrug them off and look at it all afresh. I have been saying for months that I need to get away and I finally will be next weekend.

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Progress Update 101

My first post about the progress that I am making. The changes that I am implementing to make myself a better person.

I have achieved a lot in one day. Well I think I have. I have already felt a difference in myself and how I respond to things. I admit, I still haven’t eaten anything, but I am drinking now so I am getting back in that sense. But in everything else, I feel more positive. I feel lighter and more relaxed.

Before, the little things used to get to me. If I wasn’t in a good mood or feeling down, I would just sit there in silence and not really show any emotion to whatever anyone else around me was saying. But today, even in the circumstances that I am in at the moment, I have smiled, I have responded to people and I have been friendly and approachable, even my Mum has noticed and commented. She seems proud of me and how I am handling this, so that’s a big bonus.
I had absolute no aggression driving. I was calm and aware and didn’t over react at minor things happening on around me. I have been aware of the things that are coming out of my mouth and how I am saying them. Yes, it is a lot of work but it is worth it. I have also stopped to think about situations happening around me and realised there is no need to let them get to me, to not react to them. Even at silly comments around me or if someone says something that used to rile me, I now just breathe and carry on as I was. I acknowledge the comment but don’t react. And that’s huge! I have never done that before, hours later I would still be riling from it But now I just drop it and don’t make a scene.

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Update Progress 10-

Well, hi. It has been a while. I am sorry to those who have been worried and to those who I have not replied to but it has been a crazy few months. A lot has changed, and last night my whole world fell apart, as F dumped me.

These last few months I have been so up and down and I have been unbearable at times. I started a new job, my brother got caught up in the London attacks, F got a flat and moved into it and I just generally was learning to battle with my emotions.

I loved my job at first. I really did. It was exciting, it was new. It was everything I thought it would be and more. However, in the last month and a half or so, I have been struggling to fit in and feel comfortable at work. I have such a different mantra to those I work with. We have different beliefs, different views and very different politics. Normally, I am so easy going and am not affected by difference, but in this job it is so prominent and unless you think their way, you are seen as a bit of an oddball, so I have had to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself about certain things, especially when the elections were happening. Work has also slowed down incredibly. Most days I am sat at my laptop, just staring at the screen trying to think of things to do. I have planned most of my best friend’s hen party at work thanks to these slow times, but now that’s almost finished being planned, I have very little else to do.

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