Dear F, (4)

Today is our anniversary. We were so close to making it. A week off. Instead of being out just toasting a drink to us, being relaxed and happy, I am sat here, regretting my actions so, so much.

A week ago today, I sat there and heard you end it. I couldn’t understand it. Or believe it. I didn’t know where it had come from. I wasn’t expecting it. Only the night before you sat there and said ‘Goodnight, love you’. Even that day you messaged me saying ‘Hey baby’. You put x’s at the end. I didn’t guess anything was up until you said ‘Can I see you tonight? I feel really down 😦 x’. As soon as I read that, you know what my mind jumps to and I immediately thought you were breaking up with me. There was no rhyme or reason as to why I thought this. But it was so out of the blue and you’ve done that before. Why couldn’t you just talk to me. Why couldn’t you have spoken to me on Saturday at the time? Why did you give me such false hope on the Sunday? You woke me up with sex, we had a shower together and you even stressed we needed to look into booking a holiday. What changes in 24 hours? Were your thoughts really that harrowing? Why couldn’t you just speak to me?
Every time we had a dispute you would act okay after. You gave me the impression that all was fine. Why couldn’t you just sit me down and really tell me the truth? The hard hitting truth would have pushed me to change a hell of a lot quicker. Instead you’ve let it build to this. And that hurts. It hurts because I was under the impression that we were in love with each other and we were in it together.

Continue reading “Dear F, (4)”

You’ll find someone better. 

You’ll find someone better’. 

Why do people always say this when you break up with someone? I know they think it is to make you feel better, but realistically, it doesn’t. It isn’t even a fact. It is just something someone says in passing when there’s not a lot else to say. 

This is all I have heard the past week and I’m sick of it. If I wanted to do better, I would have ended. If I thought I could do better, I would have been the one to end it. But I don’t want better. I had the best and I am not afraid to admit. I had my one. I had my other half. There is no better out there. There may be others out there, but they aren’t better because they aren’t F. 
I know they are only trying to help and be positive, but to me, that’s the last thing I want to hear. I have dedicated a whole year, even more than a year, to this one person who I believed was going to be my one. Was going to be the one, that down the line I would marry, have children with and have a family. I have gone through so many highs and lows with this personal but that’s only because I care so much for him. If I didn’t fight for him then it shows I never cared. And I cared so much. I have become so invested in this one person, supporting him through everything, being so proud of him, being his cheerleader, showing him how much I loved him, yet the bad times just won. I don’t want better. I want F. 

Now, I know he will be being told the same thing, no doubt. It’s what people say when you break up as we have already established. However, maybe he can do better? He can find someone who hasn’t gotten a mental illness. Someone who is okay with who they are. But I know, given time I can be that person. I can learn to love myself and become more aware of my illness. I need to for my own sake more than anyone else’s. I need to be more open about it and seek the help. There’s so much in my past I need  to talk about and to understand and once I do that, I know I will learn to love myself and I can see that only being a short matter of time. 
I have made big steps in learning to love myself and be me again after so many years. I started to love myself around F, he made me confident and happy but sometimes the anxiety would just win and make me doubt who I was as a person. But I am better than that and I have never said that before. I deserve to be a better person. I am a good person, I just need to be more open about my mental health because that has been holding me back far too long. 
I am a better person and I can be better still. And I am working on that. I can be that better person for F, but I just need to know he is willing to wait and give me that chance. I am not asking for a long time, I just need to get my initial doctor’s appointment out the way, book some counselling, look at different medications as well as the pill and I am on my way. This will all be happening in the next couple of weeks and I am excited to see the outcome. Please F, can you just be there along the way and see for yourself. It will be worth it.

Progress Update 102

A whole weekend without seeing F, once. Or even speaking to him. It has been so tough. But I have to show I am changing. The old me would have been bombarding him with messages, begging to speak, not giving him his space. Making things worse. But this way, I am just stepping back and letting him have that space.

So, what has happened this weekend? Has there been change? I think there has.

Where shall I start? I have finally booked a weekend away. I have needed this so much for such a long time. Just a weekend away on my own. Come to terms with what has been going on the last few months. And actually understand what I am thinking, how I am feeling and just think about it. How my behaviour has changed and how I am going to change that. I haven’t allowed myself to do that since I got the diagnosis because I wanted to pretend there was nothing wrong. I wanted to be normal. But I can’t brush it under the carpet anymore. So with this little break away, it is only 2 full days but half a day each side, I can just wonder along the beach, and just think. Take everything in. And learn to appreciate everything again. I have got so lost in everyday life here and all the changes and pressures that I felt hanging on my shoulders that I can just shrug them off and look at it all afresh. I have been saying for months that I need to get away and I finally will be next weekend.

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No CD

Today has been a day full of grime and hip hop. Dizzie, Giggs, Chase and Status, Stormzy, Kano, Akala and of course, my new find, Loyale Carner.
This song has been on repeat for the last ten minutes. The lyrics, the beat, it is just so catchy:

 

Not Quite Made Girl

x

Oh Crumbs!

Biscuits. There are so many types of biscuit out there. You have Custard Creams, Bourbons, Digestives, Rich Teas, Hob Nobs, Garibaldis, Arrowroot, Speculaas, Ginger Nuts.. the list can go on.

Why am I talking about biscuits? Well I have always been a fan of a good biscuit with my tea in the afternoon. I love a good dunk. And well, I was watching a programme the other day, ‘Inside the Factory’ and they touched upon the very important question: Are you a Dunker? And does dunking really make a biscuit taste better?

I am such a firm believer, that a dunk in the tea before eating it, does make for a completely different taste. But several people around me, dunking doesn’t even come naturally to them. They sit there and eat the biscuit dry! Without even a consideration of dunking it.

Well to those who don’t dunk, it has been scientifically proving that you are missing out on so, so much. The taste and aromas are all different once you’ve dunked, and yes, it does make the biscuit taste better.

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Dear F, (3)

I was catching up on Orient articles before their first match today against Sutton! So much has happened within the club in the past week alone.

The most exciting news was that we have Abrahams back! I am sure you were all over it when it was first announced.
I couldn’t believe it when I came across the article on BBC sport. He might have signed for Norwich, but he’s playing for us. I think you predicted that didn’t you? You said he would want to carry on playing for a first team, and now he can thanks to being loaned out back to us O’s.
It’s a shame that the same won’t happen for Alzate. But we seemed to have signed a lot of good players, and seem to be on a bit of winning streak pre-season. Definitely no losses.

Today is the day the season started. I wished so much that I could be sat with you listening to the commentary, with baited breath every time they are near the goal end. Just like we were on Valentine’s Day. But I couldn’t. And that’s okay because that’s what you wanted.

It wasn’t a great day for the O’s. First game of a new season in a new league and they lost. a 2-0 defeat! What did you make of that? By the sounds of it, there were a few issues. Grainger in goal, we always knew it wouldn’t be too great. O’s always lacked a goalie and it is still showing this season despite all the changes that have been made.
What a disappointment for Mooney. Technically we can say the O’s scored, even if it wasn’t allowed because of a foul. But that’s better than some games last season, where we didn’t even hit in haha.

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Dear F, (2)

Dear F,

Having so much time to think about things, is doing so much to me. It is helping, it is hindering, it is hurting and it is making me determined. I have the time to think back over our whole relationship: the good, the bad and the ugly and the happiness.

I have thought about my behaviour non stop. It is continuously at the forefront of my mind and I am so careful watching those around me and how their behaviour is different to mine.
I have been watching reality TV programmes, you know me and my love for such rubbish, I mean look I got you into Love Island, so they can’t be that bad! But yes, I have been watching Teen Mom both in the UK and the US. I know their lives are so different, and so are their circumstances, but their behaviour on screen is quite similar to how I could be at times with you. I am not saying that excuses my behaviour, because it doesn’t, but for so many people that seems to be the norm. Having moments of exploding, of spitefulness of hurt.
Witnessing those around me at work and the way they speak about certain things. There is hostility in them over the smallest of things. They do lose their tempers, even in the work place. You hear of arguments that they have had with their partners, and often it is over something so small but it still cause a row. An argument. And things being said that they didn’t mean.
Even just watching strangers on the commute to work, walking past them, hearing their phone calls, there’s not a day that goes by where you don’t hear at least a few people arguing on their phone, whether it be with a family member, a colleague or the love of their life.

Continue reading “Dear F, (2)”