Dear F (10), 

Ten letters and four months is all it took. Ten letters and four months for me to realise maybe you weren’t the one for me. To realise I don’t need you anymore. I can breathe and live without you.

A lot can happen in just a third of the year, can’t it F? I mean it took us a quarter of a year to become official and say I love you to one another. But it also took less than a quarter of a year for you to fall out of love with me and take it all away.

Time is a bizarre thing. It delivers pain and hurt but also comes with it happiness and chances. For a lot of things there is not certain amount of time: falling in love, moving on, grieving, anticipation, excitement – all these can range from a day to almost a year. But what I do know is that time heals. With time comes hopes and new opportunities. New happiness. New love. New luck. New life.

When you walked out I thought I couldn’t cope. I thought I wouldn’t be able to live. I had nothing to live for in my eyes. You were my love, my world. And you took it away all so easily. But look at me now! I’m here. I’m living and breathing without you.  Some days are more of a challenge but I’m coping. I’m learning to live again. To live a life where you aren’t involved and aren’t a part of the future.

I’ve met some new people in the past few months – some have stayed and others I haven’t wanted to be in my life so let them go. I’ve created memories, ones where you aren’t part of them. I’m making plans for the future with other people. I’m learning to be sociable and open myself up to others.  Continue reading “Dear F (10), “


And now we’ve paid the price

What would be more appropriate than Song of the Week being a Pvris song. I finally saw them live on Thursday night at the one and only O2 Academy Brixton. They didn’t disappoint. I have been eager to see them for months and I was so glad I finally did. I had great company, met some great people and finally hearing them live, sounded amazing.

I thought it would be appropriate to pick one of their songs which is a favourite of mine. It does have a big of significance with me and it is my go to when I am feeling a bit low or missing a certain someone. But it is also my sing a long choice too!

Hope you enjoy.

Walk Alone – Pvris


Not Quite Made Girl


Dear F, (9)

I didn’t expect to find myself writing you another letter. I thought I was coping just fine and felt no loyalty to your nor much love towards you. However, like most things when it comes to you, I was wrong.

I got a text from you just over a week ago after The Wolf Alice gig. I wasn’t expecting that. It threw me off. It has caused me to derail a bit. You saw me there. Yes, I saw you too, but I didn’t feel the need to tell you. I saw you with your friend. But I didn’t look long enough to clock what you were doing. How you were. I didn’t want to. I was there with someone and I was excited and Happy to be with them. But you felt the need to tell me that you saw me. That you were pleased I looked happy. That I was also a deadringer for the lead singer in the band we had both seen that night. Why? Why did you have to do that?

Continue reading “Dear F, (9)”

You’ll Never Know 

‘You’re a woman’, ‘You don’t have an eating disorder’, ‘You have gained a substantial amount in 2 months’ and ‘You’re fine’. 

This was just clips of my previous GP appointment that keep popping up in my head and making me feel that surge of hurt and anger at not being listened to. At not being heard. The anger that my gender has anything to do with the situation that I find myself in. 

I find it hard enough going to go to the Doctor’s. I always have. I have an irrational fear of seeing them. I always have this belief that they aren’t going to listen. That they won’t believe me and that I am just making it up, despite how I feel at that time. And in that appointment, my fears were completely justified. I had every reason to dread going to the Doctors, because instead of listening or helping, they give you a lecture and make you feel worse. 

Continue reading “You’ll Never Know “

You want a future and you want it now!

Now I really couldn’t decide on a song. I know I have already done one for this week but I thought seeming as I have been listening to Don Broco the last couple of days in preparation of seeing them tonight, I wanted to post one of theirs. Treat all your ears to a bit of their sound. (You can thank me later 😉 I’m joking, but hey, you never know, you may end up liking them!)

This was such a hard choice for me to just pick one song. There’s so many songs, that even when I’m doing something else whilst listening to music, will suddenly catch my attention and I’ll find myself singing along. There’s Hold on, Further, Priorities, Tough on you, Superlove and Nerve (tbh the list goes on and on) but I decided on keep on pushing. I chose this one because I really enjoy the lyrics, and feel very much in a similar position to the song. They talk about doing all the things that our friends are doing, such as getting married, buying houses, being in relationships, etc. and how they can’t see themselves doing that just yet. And I agree, I really can’t see myself being in that position anytime soon, so this song always cheers me up when I think might be missing out and become super jealous of my friends’ situation, I remember that I don’t actually want that and that’s okay – I’m still only young and have plenty of time for that.

Hope you enjoy it as much as I do 🙂

Not Quite Made Girl


London is a bad habit, one hates to lose – Willaim Sansom 

It seems the writing bug has re-inhabited itself within me and it is telling me to write about London – The city where I work and play. With a bit of a ranty side to it! 

I can’t make my mind up about this city. Sometimes I find myself in love with its history, architecture and atmosphere and then other times I find myself absolutely loathing it. I suppose that is very much like any city; they will always have their good points and their lows. 

London is a city full of history, attractions, pubs, theatre, and green parks. If you look one way in London, there are beautifully designed buildings and then look the other way and you are surrounded by greenery and deers in a park. The food and drink scene in London is buzzing and continuously evolving and growing. The theatre shows are award winning and memorable. There are endless places to indulge in numerous shopping sprees and the lights in Oxford Street are the tell-tale sign that Christmas is coming!  The amount of attractions available are immense, you have art galleries, museums, London Dungeons, aquariums, Tower Bridge, The Eye and the Shard where you can see across London and all that it has to offer. And my favourite part of London – you’re constantly surrounded by history. No matter where you go in London there will always be a piece of History in which to lose yourself in. 

Continue reading “London is a bad habit, one hates to lose – Willaim Sansom “

So, we’ll raise the stakes and show them that we’re different 

You caught me! I plead guilty. I have chosen yet another song from the ones that are State Champs. I have this skill where I can listen to the same band continuously for weeks and not get bored of it, so hence why there’s another song from them. I haven’t listened to anyone else this week except them. I will have to change it up as the whole reason I am getting to see them Saturday is because of Don Broco, so will have to refresh myself with them!

But for now here is Leave You In The Dark. 

Not Quite Made Girl


I’m in that state of mind Where I bottle everything inside my head And stare at the ground

Wow, it has been a while since I’ve ventured to this neck of the woods. Feels like I am in a room at a family reunion and not quite sure what to say to you all. Feels a bit awkward turtle in here. I know I keep having moments of being overly trigger happy on the typing front then I disappear into oblivion for a bit. I keep saying sorry for my lack of writing, but no one cares really, do they? And clearly I don’t mean my sorry because I keep doing it over and over, so sorry about that.

I wish I could say I have been absent for a good reason; that I have been happy, socialising, enjoying this thing that we call life. If I did say this, I would be lying. Not wholeheartedly lying but for the most part, I would be.

Life’s a funny old thing, isn’t it?  Life with mental health illness is even funnier. You never know quite how you feel. If you’re coming or going. If you want to smile or cry. If you want to love and be loved or be alone. If you want to live or die. There’s never a definite answer to those conflictions. Continue reading “I’m in that state of mind Where I bottle everything inside my head And stare at the ground”

I’m just trying to find my place in this world

I am off to see Don Broco in a couple of weeks an I was looking up who their support acts were going to be. One of them is State Champs. An pop-punk band from New York. I had never heard of them before, but I am so glad I have given them a listen before being lucky enough to see them live. They are a great band, and the lead singers has an incredible voice – so much emotion and power. I have had their two albums on repeat all day, so safe to say I am becoming quite a fan. Here’s just one of their many songs, making an appearance on my Song of the Week: If I’m Lucky 

Not Quite Made Girl


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Helen's Journey

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