I don’t know why I’m still writing these letters to you especially as we have had the odd conversation here and there through whatsapp. I suppose there’s so much I still don’t understand and I find it easier to comprehend writing it down in a letter to you.
Thank you. I’ve finally realised why you did this. Why you cause this hurt. I’ve finally come to terms with it and I’ve put it towards so much good. I’ve finally learnt how to turn hurt and bad into something positive and helpful and I think that’s what you always wanted me to achieve. So thank you, I finally am learning.
Messy in the middle and gorgeous at the end – Robin Sharma
Change (verb) : to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone; to become different; to become altered or modified (dictionary.com)
whether you’re after a quote or a definition about change, it is pretty easy to come by. There’s a whole array of quotes about how a person or a situation can change. They make it seem feasible. Within your reach. That it is an attainable goal. Physically, yes it may be easy. I mean it’s on the outside. The change shows. You can see the change. Others can see it. There’s often so much more available to help you change on the outside. But is it really just as easy as to change oneself mentally as it is physically. Can people really change?
I believe they can and here’s why. I feel like in a way, I am a living, breathing, in actual transition of a person changing mentally. It all starts with a trigger. A catalyst. Something that makes you become so aware that you need to make a change. And for me that was F breaking up with me.
This weekend I have gone through the emotions over you and I’ve come to a lot of hard hitting truths as well. I think I loved you too much. I idolised you. I worshipped you. You couldn’t do a single thing wrong in my eyes. I could never see another side to you. I thought you were perfect. But you weren’t, were you? You weren’t all that? You weren’t everything I thought or made you out to be.
I’ve been so quick to blame myself. That I’m the one that needs to change. I’m the one who has caused all this. I’m the one who is at fault. But it isn’t just me. It takes two to tango as they say. Yes, i have things to work on but this isn’t solely my fault. Thanks to my aunt and my friends for helping me to highlight this.
You were just never on my side. You didn’t support me. You didn’t help me. You didn’t have my best interests at heart. You didn’t put me first. Ever. I came second to everyone. And I accepted that. But I shouldn’t have. That’s not how relationships work. I always put you first. Always supported you. Always tried to make you feel better. Yet, when it came to me, you always believed it was self inflicted. Every time i complained of a bad tummy, despite having IBS, you just always put it down to stress or worry, even though I’d sit there and tell you that I was happy, without stress, you just wouldn’t let me feel unwell. Continue reading “Dear F, (5)”→
Something a bit different for me yesterday. Something that I would never normally turn my eye to. I almost didn’t go but as I am currently using the mantra of ‘Yes Man’ I went anyway. (Now just a quick side step, I have to confess I haven’t ever seen or read Yes Man, so I’m not sure if it has a good message and a positive ending or not. If any of you know what happens when he says yes all the time can you please let me know so I don’t keep saying yes and end up with some bad luck!)
But yes, yesterday, with work we had a social in the afternoon. I know, what a great place to work where you can have afternoons off work and use it as an excuse to socialise and network with those who work in the same department but that you never quite come across or your paths never cross. I was menat to be going with a couple of girls from my section but last minute they dropped out as other things came up. I instantly wanted to just not go. That was always my go to.however, being all positive and shit now, I swallowed that idea pretty quickly, pulled on my big girl pants and decided to go along anyway.
I was on my way (you go girl!), and I thought I recognised a girl whose name was on the list of those going. I even asked if they were going and asked if I could tag along with them and they said of course I could. Now, I know to most normal people this would be a normal thing to do, but no, not for I. I like to be awkward as possible around people and just suffer in silence on my own and not have fun haha. Well that’s a lie, of course I want to have fun, but my awkwardness and anxiety always prevented from doing something like that. Hello new change 👋🏻
Can I just get a round of high fives as yesterday I hit a couple of realisations and I actually achieved such a change in my train of thought, that a few weeks ago, would have been so different. Amazing what a couple of weeks does for you and a bit of drive, hope and determination.
Yesterday, the weather was shocking here. It was like a true winter’s day. It rained all day. It was flooding. It was grey. It was cold. It could have given me so many reasons to recluse within myself a bit and draw back from my positive outlook and go back to my old ways.
Instead, I embraced it! I got soaked on the way to work, but I was smiling. I didn’t care. It was such a minor thing, it wasn’t going to be permanent and I would dry off the second I got to work.
I walked in with a smile and greeted those around me. I feel I am becoming more approachable. I am dropping that barrier that I used to carry. And it is all thanks to being honest with those around me and being honest with myself.
On Tuesday, I finally opened up to those that I work with. I may have over shared a bit too much, but it helped. I got other opinions, other views, other people’s advice which is so different to that of those that I normally surround myself with, such as friends outside of work and my parents. Continue reading “Progress Update 103”→
The Big Sick. The title itself doesn’t really give much away. When I told people I wanted to see this film, they just looked at me blankly and couldn’t quite get their head around the title. Once I explained a little about the film, that someone gets an illness in it, they understand it a bit.
The film is based on the real-life relationship between Kumail Nanjiani and Emily Gordon, which you find out at the end of the film, with pictures of them both shown alongside the credits.
Kumail, who is played by the real life Kumail Nanjiani, is a Pakistan born Uber driver with an aspiration for stand up, based in Chicago. He is doing a stint one night and he get heckled by a young lady in the crowd. After his set, he speaks to her at the bar, woos her with some Urdu and yes, as you guessed they have a one night stand together.
Things start to develop between them and things become more than just a one night stand. This becomes an issue for Kumail, whose family are traditional Muslims and eager for him to be a part of an arranged marriage. Continue reading “The Big Sick”→
Today is our anniversary. We were so close to making it. A week off. Instead of being out just toasting a drink to us, being relaxed and happy, I am sat here, regretting my actions so, so much.
A week ago today, I sat there and heard you end it. I couldn’t understand it. Or believe it. I didn’t know where it had come from. I wasn’t expecting it. Only the night before you sat there and said ‘Goodnight, love you’. Even that day you messaged me saying ‘Hey baby’. You put x’s at the end. I didn’t guess anything was up until you said ‘Can I see you tonight? I feel really down 😦 x’. As soon as I read that, you know what my mind jumps to and I immediately thought you were breaking up with me. There was no rhyme or reason as to why I thought this. But it was so out of the blue and you’ve done that before. Why couldn’t you just talk to me. Why couldn’t you have spoken to me on Saturday at the time? Why did you give me such false hope on the Sunday? You woke me up with sex, we had a shower together and you even stressed we needed to look into booking a holiday. What changes in 24 hours? Were your thoughts really that harrowing? Why couldn’t you just speak to me?
Every time we had a dispute you would act okay after. You gave me the impression that all was fine. Why couldn’t you just sit me down and really tell me the truth? The hard hitting truth would have pushed me to change a hell of a lot quicker. Instead you’ve let it build to this. And that hurts. It hurts because I was under the impression that we were in love with each other and we were in it together.
Why do people always say this when you break up with someone? I know they think it is to make you feel better, but realistically, it doesn’t. It isn’t even a fact. It is just something someone says in passing when there’s not a lot else to say.
This is all I have heard the past week and I’m sick of it. If I wanted to do better, I would have ended. If I thought I could do better, I would have been the one to end it. But I don’t want better. I had the best and I am not afraid to admit. I had my one. I had my other half. There is no better out there. There may be others out there, but they aren’t better because they aren’t F.
I know they are only trying to help and be positive, but to me, that’s the last thing I want to hear. I have dedicated a whole year, even more than a year, to this one person who I believed was going to be my one. Was going to be the one, that down the line I would marry, have children with and have a family. I have gone through so many highs and lows with this personal but that’s only because I care so much for him. If I didn’t fight for him then it shows I never cared. And I cared so much. I have become so invested in this one person, supporting him through everything, being so proud of him, being his cheerleader, showing him how much I loved him, yet the bad times just won. I don’t want better. I want F.
Now, I know he will be being told the same thing, no doubt. It’s what people say when you break up as we have already established. However, maybe he can do better? He can find someone who hasn’t gotten a mental illness. Someone who is okay with who they are. But I know, given time I can be that person. I can learn to love myself and become more aware of my illness. I need to for my own sake more than anyone else’s. I need to be more open about it and seek the help. There’s so much in my past I need to talk about and to understand and once I do that, I know I will learn to love myself and I can see that only being a short matter of time.
I have made big steps in learning to love myself and be me again after so many years. I started to love myself around F, he made me confident and happy but sometimes the anxiety would just win and make me doubt who I was as a person. But I am better than that and I have never said that before. I deserve to be a better person. I am a good person, I just need to be more open about my mental health because that has been holding me back far too long.
I am a better person and I can be better still. And I am working on that. I can be that better person for F, but I just need to know he is willing to wait and give me that chance. I am not asking for a long time, I just need to get my initial doctor’s appointment out the way, book some counselling, look at different medications as well as the pill and I am on my way. This will all be happening in the next couple of weeks and I am excited to see the outcome. Please F, can you just be there along the way and see for yourself. It will be worth it.
A whole weekend without seeing F, once. Or even speaking to him. It has been so tough. But I have to show I am changing. The old me would have been bombarding him with messages, begging to speak, not giving him his space. Making things worse. But this way, I am just stepping back and letting him have that space.
So, what has happened this weekend? Has there been change? I think there has.
Where shall I start? I have finally booked a weekend away. I have needed this so much for such a long time. Just a weekend away on my own. Come to terms with what has been going on the last few months. And actually understand what I am thinking, how I am feeling and just think about it. How my behaviour has changed and how I am going to change that. I haven’t allowed myself to do that since I got the diagnosis because I wanted to pretend there was nothing wrong. I wanted to be normal. But I can’t brush it under the carpet anymore. So with this little break away, it is only 2 full days but half a day each side, I can just wonder along the beach, and just think. Take everything in. And learn to appreciate everything again. I have got so lost in everyday life here and all the changes and pressures that I felt hanging on my shoulders that I can just shrug them off and look at it all afresh. I have been saying for months that I need to get away and I finally will be next weekend.