Dear F,

Well here I am writing you another letter. I suppose I find it easier to express myself to tell you just what is on my mind and the hypothetical worries that I have.

This weekend was my first weekend without in a while. I didn’t expect to find it as hard as I have. It didn’t help that this week I haven’t exactly been in a great place mentally. But spending the whole weekend without seeing you or touching you was hard. There were so many times that I found myself yearning for you and a ‘your’ hugs. Your comfort. Your security. I dreaded a whole weekend in with my parents. It was as I expected. Them bickering most of the weekend over menial stuff and many awkward silences. It was nothing compared to the easiness and comfort of our weekends together at yours with your family. I missed them.

All weekend I have had so many thoughts running through my head. I have been really struggling with them. And I have had no one to turn to for confirmation that everything was okay and will continue to be okay. So I thought I would get them all down in a letter. I chose to write it to you because you’re the one who I want to understand what it is that I feel and fear. What keeps me up. What makes me sad. What hurts me. What makes me behave the way I do at times.

I know it is annoying me always doubting and questioning everything all the time. I wish I didn’t keep doing that. Maybe if I talk more openly to you and try to explain just what is worrying me then perhaps I will stop questioning us all the time.

I don’t need to state it because it is so obvious, but I love you. I love you so much. I love you more than anything in life. I know at times I have a funny way of showing it but I really do love you and value you for who you are. I know I can talk to you. I can turn to you. You will listen. But I do worry if I even say one thing that you don’t like the sound of you will get all defensive and not try to understand. You will take what I say as criticism. But it isn’t. You will take it as me not being happy with you. Me picking at you. Me thinking that you don’t do enough. That you aren’t perfect. That isn’t what I mean at all by whatever I say. I tell you so often how happy you make me, how much you mean to me, how much I love all the little things you do. I simply am telling you how I feel at times and what worries me. It isn’t a reflection on you. It is me. It’s my anxiety and depression getting the better of me and I’m sorry you take that as me criticising you. That’s the last thing I want to do. I only ever want to show you how much you mean to me and how much I appreciate you and everything you do. You really are an amazing person. Words don’t do any justice. You are a patient person and I do push you at times to your limit. I apologise greatly for that. I don’t want to annoy you or push your patience but I just work myself up over little things and I just can’t hide that from you. You’re too good at reading me and I feel so at ease around you I just can’t hide my worries or upsets that I experience. I trust you with seeing that side of me and you handle it so well especially when I’m annoying you by commenting on my weight, how I feel inferior to those around me and how I find it so hard to believe that you do love me and think me beautiful despite my many, many flaws.

I’m just scared. So scared of losing you. I have never feared losing something so much in my life. I never expected to have such a connection and love with someone. I never thought I’d be so lucky to find it with someone like you in this lifetime. I really am lucky and I don’t want to lose this.

You’re the full package and men like you are rare to find. I find it so hard to believe you picked me. You want me. You love me. Not because I doubt you but because here I am, this hot mess who is so up and down. Why would you love that? There’s a sea of girls who I am sure are “normal” and would jump at the chance to have you. That’s the only reason I get silly and question your love for me because I am so difficult at times. I’m a bit of a roller coaster ride in life. I worry because I am difficult and a lot to handle. I’m not drop dead gorgeous or a Victoria Secret Model. I have my lows and worries that do take over and make me question if you do still want me or just too scared to walk away. I know you reassure me continuously and I trust and believe your words. I don’t know what triggers me getting so scared and anxious about you not wanting me when all you do when we’re together is show me love.Your reassuring forehead kisses, the familiarity and comfort of your hand in mine, the security and safety in your hugs and cuddles, the passion and care and the love of just being held in your arms as we sleep. I know you love me and show me often.
I never doubt your love for me because of anything you do, I simply doubt it because of how I am at times. Please know I never doubt these actions towards me or their genuinity.

We’ve known each other for practically a year and seeing each other almost as long. And it has been the happiest year of my life. For me is it the longest relationship I have had. I have become dependant on you at times, and consider you the biggest and most valuable part of my life. I haven’t felt that way in other relationships. I normally get doubts and realise I don’t want a future with them in the first couple of months. But with you, you have made me realise just what I want from life and that I want to keep you there by my side. I want to invest my all in our love.
Because I have had such bad relationships in the past, I have so many worries when it comes to ours. I’m worried what the future will bring. I don’t know what the protocol is when it comes to relationships because everyone is different. I’m worried I’ll F*ck it up, by pushing you away, pushing you to turn to someone else, to make you fall out of love with me because of who I am.

We all have this idea of love. More often than not we get this idea from films and those around us how relationships should be. I often compare our relationship to those closest to me, more than I should. I don’t know why I do this. Their relationships aren’t perfect and I wouldn’t exchange a single thing of ours for anything they’ve got. Our love to me, is picture perfect. I always say how lucky I am. This is my fairy tale romance; mine and yours. Not theirs. And I’m so happy and in love with it.
I may get jealous in a sense that they get little surprises from their other half, going on trips continuously or living together from quite early on, but you have taught me that love isn’t about any of those things. It isn’t about having the need to show it off to the world. It is simply being able to spend time with that one person, even doing nothing but watching a film together at home and enjoying each other’s company. It is sitting in silence but no awkwardness, just ease. It’s receiving a hug from you when I am having a bad day. These are things that I want and I am so lucky to experience them with you. I’d rather that than anything else those around me have. It’s taken a while for me to come to the realisation of what love is but I’m so glad you’ve taught me just what it is.
I know I get upset with you at times because you haven’t been able to read my mind and know what I’m thinking or want. I know you think you’re always being helpful and doing your best. You do, you really do. I just get stupidly sensitive over such petty things. I panic that if you don’t want to see me one night that you no longer love me or want to be with me. Not simply because you just want a night to yourself to relax and have your own time, which is human and completely understandable. I get so irrational about it, and I am sorry. I think you do so much with me and you do it because you want to and you deserve time to yourself and it doesn’t mean you love me any less.
It is also difficult for you to understand just how bad I get, but I think after Thursday you have seen how bad it gets for me and what state I end up in. Once you saw me you were so understanding and caring, but before that you found it hard to communicate with me because you didn’t understand the state I was in. You didn’t quite believe I was that bad. I think you thought that I was just being irrational and over reacting. But you’ve realised I can’t help it. It’s what this anxiety and depression are doing to me. It’s how it gets me. It’s not you that gets me like that. You’re the one that helps get me out of it. You’re the one that reassures me that everything is okay. You’re the one that tries to always understand and keep learning about what I am going through. And for that I am so grateful and think you’re doing a fantastic job at it. It is hard to understand what it is like to keep feeling the way I do and I know at times it seems so alien and ridiculous but you’ve never given up on me, you’ve never stopped wanting to figure it out and find a way to help me. More often than not, you know how to help me before I know what I need. You encouraged me to come to London despite me crying and screaming down the phone. You planned a day out for us. You thought it would help. I was adamant I wasn’t up to it. But you showed me tough love and it was the only way I’d get to see you before you went on holiday and it turned out to be a good day. You got me from a crying mess when I met you, to getting a smile out of me and a conversation by the end of the night. You gave me hope again. You gave me a reason to smile. My reason was you and the love you give.

I want to have the chat with you. I want to see if there is a future with us. What kind of future you imagine. I don’t know your expectations or even if you see one anymore with me but I do look forward to a future with you. I am scared to talk to you about this. I fear your answer. I fear you don’t want the future that I want. I want to live together down the line. I want to know that we’re safe for a future side by side. You once stated that you thought I could be I don’t know if you still believe this. I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t. I fear I’m too over whelming and too much for you to handle.  Is my mental health becoming such a barrier? Such a problem for you to deal with? Are you worried about dealing with that for the rest of your life if we share a future together? I can’t promise that I will ever get rid of this, because I believe that even though I can fight it and I can get better, it will always be a part of me. I just believe that I will find ways at handling it better and controlling it. Learning when I am having these ups and downs and how to get out of them without impacting those around me. I will fight it because I want to have a future full of happiness and living each experience and adventure that life throws my way with a positive attitude but right now, I am only just learning so it is a bit of an uphill battle at times. But I will get better and you don’t need to worry about me being as bad as I have been. I will be happy again. Especially knowing you’re by my side.

I think you know what I hope for and would like in the future. I’m sure you know. I just don’t know if you’re thinking the along the same lines. I want to have the chat. The chat about your hopes and dreams for the future. What plans you have.What you want. I want to know. I want to listen. I hope one day you will tell me.

We have so much and I’m so truly grateful. I’m so lucky to have you, the one person who believes in me, motivates and encourages me, supports me, helps me in their own way, gives me honesty, gives me security but most of all loves me despite my flaws. You have given me memories and experiences to last a life time this past year, so thank you. You’ve introduced me to new interests and shown me there’s so much to life than I first thought.

In the words of Virginia Woolf: “I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that – everybody knows it. I didn’t think two people could have been happier than we have been”. 

I love you completely, today and always,

Not Quite Made Girl

x

NB. I am too much of wuss to actually write this letter and give it to F but I needed to get it out of my system and write it down. And well what better place than my blog where I know he’ll never see it, despite it being for him. 
I know I come across so needy and clingy and sickeningly in love but that’s how he makes me feel, how he needs to see it because I don’t want to lose him over this. I don’t want my mental health to destroy that. 

 

Day 23: Talk about your hobbies and why you like them

I’m a day late with this post but I am almost up to date. Woop!

I would love to reel off a whole list but I really don’t have that many hobbies. I did as a child. I used to be a right little busy bee 🐝 I used to go to multiple dance classes a week including: Ballet, Tap, Modern and Irish Dancing. I also used to go Horse Riding. I would often go Ice Skating. And even got the chance to do kayaking and sailing as part of extra curricular activities at school. I also had a big interest in reading and have been a book worm from the moment I could read.

Now, my hobbies aren’t too numerous. I do the odd bit of Horse Riding here and there when I can but I haven’t been able to find a new yard to go to so it’s been a while. But it is still a big hobby of mine. I also still have a keen interest in Dance. However, I haven’t been able to find many adult classes around where I live so that hobby has been dormant for the last 10 years or so.
I now count exercise as my hobby. Well I did, before I got my bad spells of depression and anxiety. I used to love going every day. Going to the gym suite, doing group classes including: Spinning, Zumba and Body Combat. I would go for the odd swim when I could as well. But as my panic attacks increased and my energy levels flopped, so did my love for exercise. I am slowly getting back into it and trying to force myself to do more but I find it so hard to have the motivation to get up and do it. I used to do a 25 min HIIT session every day at home and loved it. I can’t even get out of bed to do a 15 min session anymore. I will get this hobby and love back, but it might be a while.
I am still a book worm. I love sitting in a library, in my bedroom or in the living room with my music plugged in and just relaxing and getting lost in a book. Again, this hasn’t been happening as much as of late because I have very little attention to be able to sit there for a good amount of time to get lost in a book. My mind is always racing 100mph and I just can’t switch it off to get lost in words.

So yeah, I am pretty dull 😴💤 I have no hobbies, no interests, nothing exciting about me. I am boring and do the same thing day in and day out. But this won’t be forever. I will soon get back into having hobbies and hopefully they will help me battle my anxiety and depression in the future.

Day 23: Complete ✔️

Not Quite Made Girl
x

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Day 22: Who would you invite to your “last supper”?

So I am a couple days late with this post but I’m here. I’m catching up, I promise. I will complete this 30 day challenge! Especially as I have created a whole category for it.

So, my last supper. Sheesh. I have no idea. I have never really thought about it. I suppose most people have some idea. Some want celebrities. Some would want religious figures. Some just their family and friends. Tbh, the people I would like at my last supper, would be my Best Friend BeeBee, her fiancé Ni, and F. We have had meals together, and I have loved them. Conversation just flows. I feel at my most at ease. I feel comfortable around them and I know they will fill the evening with good laughs, memories, smiles and tears of joy. And what better way than to spend a last supper than with your Best Friends?

Day 22: Complete ✔️

Not Quite Made Girl
x

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Day 21: Your greatest accomplishment

My Greatest Accomplishment. This is a tough one. For those around me, they know that I find it very hard to accept when I have done well and that I am very reluctant to praise myself and acknowledge when I have accomplished something great, no matter how small it is.

I suppose for me, my biggest accomplishment so far, in my twenty odd years of living, has to be getting through University and actually graduating with a 2:1 and then going on to do a Postgraduate Certificate. Yes, a lot of people go to University these days and a degree maybe isn’t valued as much as it used to be because more and more people can obtain it, but to me this is an accomplishment, especially in getting a degree in a foreign language. Not only are you learning a subject to a high degree but you are also doing that in a language which is not your mother tongue. For me this is an achievement and maybe I should be more proud of myself for doing it and graduating on a good grade with it.
I have always hated education and struggled. I have never been able to sit down for long periods of time and focus on one thing. I can’t sit and learn for  hours especially if it is something that I am not interested in. I never used to get on with teachers and would always be the silent one sat at the back of the class trying to not get asked to answer a question. I never thought I would go to University. I was reluctant to do A Levels and stay on for Sixth Form. But I did and I did go to University. I stuck out four years there. I even managed a whole year abroad teaching in three different schools in France.

Writing it down, I do realise that this is an achievement and I should be proud of myself. Pat myself on my back more often for doing it and doing it well. It is a big feat for me and I did it. So there, my greatest accomplishment. May not be out of this world but to me it is something I am learning to be proud of.

Day 21: Complete ✔️

Not Quite Made Girl
x

If you want to join in go check out Thebitsandbobsinmybrain blog. The more the merrier!

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How can you say you love me?

I know everyone perceives love differently. Not everyone loves the same. Nor wants to be loved in the same way. But I think there are some aspects of love that is the same between everyone.

When you love someone you would do anything for them. At any time. No ask would be too much. Or so that’s what I thought love was. Maybe it isn’t? Maybe love has become so commercialised now and no one really respects love like they used to. Maybe people jut believe they are in love because it is protocol and not because they actually feel it or believe it.

Everyone tells me I’m lucky. So lucky to have someone like F. So lucky that he has stuck by me. Lucky that he hasn’t run off during all this. Lucky to have his support. That he is a keeper and I should try holding on to him. Yes, he hasn’t ran through all this but does that really mean I am lucky? I don’t know why he hasn’t ran because I know how damn uncomfortable this all makes him feel. He doesn’t understand it. Doesn’t even attempt to understand it. Half volunteers to me that I can always talk to him, then when I do try to talk to him he doesn’t really listen, and suggests that I talk to my parents and get them to listen to me. I don’t want to talk to my parents. I don’t feel like they are my parents half the time. If I have to talk to anyone it will either be F or BeeBee.

This week I have been struggling. I have been so low. I’ve really regressed. I’m struggling to get through day to day life. I told F on Monday that I wasn’t feeling great. The response I got? “Sorry to hear that baby, hopefully you’ll feel better soon xx”. That was it. He didn’t enquire after me on Tuesday or Wednesday. We barely messaged the last few days because he always says he is busy at work so I try not to message him during the day and wait until I guess it’s his lunch time or when he is nearing the end of work.

Last night I confronted him. Asked him if everything was okay because he seemed a bit distant and he then proceeded to tell me that I was acting different. So I said to him I was struggling still and he simply asked if I had been taking my tablets! Who does that to someone they care about?! I explained the situation and he just said that he was glad they were taking me seriously. He just didn’t show an ounce of care. He didn’t offer to call. Offer to see me. He didn’t care enough to do all that. I had to tell him I hopes to have at least a chat with him and he simply said he could call me later. Not now. Or that we wanted to. But he could and would do so later. The phone call went about as well as the messages. He just didn’t understand. Didn’t attempt to understand. I think he was trying to shrug me off and get rid of me in all honesty. I think he’s so done with me and this illness. Who can blame him? 

He says he loves me and messages me as and when he can. He says he spends all his spare time with me (he doesn’t) and spend every weekend with me. This would be so sweet and lovely of him he didn’t always throw it in my face. He always says it in such a begrudging way when tries to prove that he loves me or whatever. It shouldn’t be a chore or a challenge for him to see me. He should want to. He shouldn’t even have to think about it.

We were meant to be going to London today and then in the evening going to a gig. But I have been feeling awful. I definitely don’t have it in me to be in London for the whole day. I told him I might not be up for it and what did he plan on doing. His response? “I was talking to someone at work yesterday about the gig and they were jealous, so I will just ask them”. That was it. No second guessing. No second thoughts. He had a back up plan that had no involvement of me. He knew I was struggling from our phone call last night. And I was desperate to see him yet he could so easily waste this last day of seeing him before he goes on holiday with a work colleague and not seeing me. If that’s what he wants to do then fine. But how can he claim to love me?

I love him. I love him so much. I would do anything for him. I would go running to his if I had no other method if he was struggling or in trouble. I would call him any time during the day no matter what I am doing. I would always message him to see how he was, what he was up to. Just talk to him. But it isn’t reciprocated half the time. He is so different in person to the person behind messages. And I find that so hard to deal with especially as for the majority of the week we aren’t together.

 This is my first real low since my original diagnosis and I think I’ve been okay and nowhere near as bad as I used to be. My first real low and F can’t be there for me. He just distances himself. How can that be love? You can’t love someone when they’re happy and in a good place. You love all of them. The good, the bad and the ugly. But he doesnt. He just loves the “happy” me. 

I’m off to the city and I’m in tears and feel rubbish. I so everything to please everyone and when I want someone to be there for me they aren’t. I only want a hug at home with the one I love but I can’t get that. I have to go up to the city against my will to even get to see him. 

Maybe I love too hard and maybe I’m under some fairy tale  impression of love and expect too much.  Maybe love isn’t as we thought. 

Day 20: What would your superpower be and why?

For those of you who follow my blog you would have seen that I have previously done a blog on Superpowers and what superpower I would love to have. Going to cheat again and just paste the link here if you want to give it a read.

Superpower – to be able to read people’s minds and what they really think about certain things.

Day 20: Complete ✔️

Not Quite Made Girl
x

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Day 19: Five of your strengths and five weaknesses

Eesh. I am not good at this. Over the years every time at University and sixth form when you would practice for job interviews, this question would always come up. I never knew how to answer it. I can think of several weaknesses but as it was practice for an interview you were always meant to turn that negative into a positive and I was terrible at that. Even when you were asked what your strengths were I could always only come out with one thing: organisation. That is still the one and only thing that I feel is my true strength. But I will give it a go just for B’s 30 day challenge. I will try and think of 5 each.

5 Strengths

  1. Organised – I have been organised for as long as I can remember. I love stationary and files and will buy as much of these as I need to ensure that I am organised. I have always had a planner so I can write down everything that I have planned or have done, so I know where I was or will be if I am ever asked. I keep my bills, my important letters and appointments all in a file, alphabetically and date ordered.
    I also have several memory boxes which are organised into categories. My wardrobe is also organised into sections: Hoodies, bodysuits/leotards, crop tops, summer/spring tops, t-shirts, band t-shirts, 3/4 sleeve tops, long sleeved tops, woolly cropped jumpers, woolly jumpers, and my sports and work tops. That’s just the bottom row.
    The top row is long ballgown dresses, work dresses, Going out Dresses then come next in the order of: strapless dresses, short sleeved dresses, 3/4 sleeve dresses, long sleeved dresses. Then come the summer/spring/everyday dresses in the same order. After that comes the skirts: Mini skirts, midi skirts and skorts. Then shorts, Jeans, smart trousers and summer trousers. Then a couple of blazers and my dressing up fairy wings (because you never know when you might need them!) So yeah that’s just a preview of how organised I like to be. I shan’t bore you anymore.
  2. Caring. This can be both a strength and weakness so I have included it in both. I care about those around me. I will always ensure I am there for them. No matter what is going on with me, I will bend over backwards for those I care about.
  3. Good listener. Got a problem? Come tell me! I can sit and listen and won’t interrupt you one iota. I won’t offer advice if that is not what you want. But I will try my best to help if that’s needed. I don’t pretend to listen. No matter the problem, I will always listen, no matter how big or small. I am not that chatty, and that’s worked well in the way that I will always have an ear available for anyone to rant or moan or cry.
  4. Creative to an extent. I like to think that I can create arty things. I did a really cool hamper for my friend’s engagement and made a few things for that including a picture frame and a candle. For Valentine’s Day I made the sweet box for F and I have created sweet letters for him before. I can’t draw or paint but I can do arts and crafts in the form of candle making, making gifts etc.
  5. Thoughtful. I really always consider other’s thoughts before my own. I will always try and put myself in other people’s shoes before I judge them or jump to conclusions.
    Also, when it comes to giving gifts at Birthdays and Christmas I think about what they would like. What their likes and dislikes are and play to them.

5 Weaknesses

  1. Caring. So as I said before, a weakness and a strength. I care too much at times. I put too much worry and thought into those around me that I sometimes forget to look after myself. To care for myself.
  2. Shy. This is awful when I go out socialising. If I don’t know the majority of people, I will be awkward and silent and panicking about conversation topics. Unless I have a drink or two before hand I won’t be that chatty or confident and very, very awkward.
  3. Anxiety and Depression. This is self explanatory really. This is a weakness to me. It has got in the way of me achieving and progressing through life. I have lost friendships due to it. Caused a rift between me and my parents. Caused problems between me and F. And caused me to fall behind in life. I am so far back compared to where I want to be. Its held me back.
  4. Attempt to please everyone. I try too hard to please those around me. This is similar to caring too much. But with this, I worry too much about what they think of me and I try my best to please them. Make them happy. Or proud. I often consider their needs and happiness far more superior to mine and so will always put them first.
  5. Confrontation. I don’t bode well with confrontation. This has caused people to walk all over me in the past. Because I am too timid to stick up for myself in an argument or disagreement, I usually end up being the one blamed. The one upset. The one hurt because I won’t stick up for myself. Even if I disagree with what they’re accusing me of, I won’t confront them. I will just agree with them. Let them have the last word.

Day 19: Complete ✔️

Not Quite Made Girl
x

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