The One, The Only, F.

I would love to introduce you all to the number one man (scrap that, the number one person) in my life. My Boyfriend and best friend, F.
We met the modern way, through a dating app called Tinder. Yes, I resorted to finding love on a dating app, an app with a flame as their logo! I was desperate to be loved and well, like they say, desperate times call for desperate measures.

It all began one day in April, a sunny day I’m sure, like all romantic fairy tales start. I must’ve swiped right on him and it came up as a match straight away, so he clearly liked the looks of me and gave a swipe to the right too ūüėČ Being very old fashioned, despite using modern dating methods, I always believed the boy should message first.
I was bad on Tinder, I barely swiped right on anyone, not because I didn’t like the look of them just because I thought I couldn’t envisage anything with them despite how ‘perfect‘ they looked.
F, an older gentleman by four years, had a picture of him stood in front of a London landscape and another with him in the distance with a pint in front of him. I’m not going to lie, yes the pictures were good, but also the fact that he was older than me was one of the deals for me swiping right. I’ve always had this delusional idea that I wanted to date an older man because he would be more mature and more ‘manly‘. Haha, what a misapprehensive¬†thought, no matter the age, I don’t think a man ever truly grows up, and in some ways that’s a good thing, it helps to keep you young and grounded as a woman too.
I’d only ever dated guys my age, maybe a year older but they all failed. They were toxic. They weren’t what relationships should be. I got cheated on, led on and heartbroken. There were maybe one or two times I thought I could have been in love but looking back, and since being with F, it wasn’t love that I felt with the others, I think it was infatuation, obsession with wanting a relationship, wanting someone to want me, to love me, to need me. I never got those things, I was easy to discard, to boss around, easy to forget.
The reason I turned to Tinder was because these past relationships, I had met in bars and nightclubs and I was fed up of doing things that way. Also, it didn’t help that around the time I turned to Tinder, I had become such a recluse, with few friends and little plans. Even when I did have plans to go out, my anxiety would get the better of me and I would cancel plans last minute, which soon became an annoyance to my friends who stopped trying.

So yes, I turned to Tinder (I keep getting side tracked, every flaming blog goes on a tangent!). It was a way of me not leaving the house yet hopefully building a connection with someone online who then eventually I would have the confidence and trust to meet.

In all honesty I didn’t expect to hear from F and I forgot about him. A few days later I woke up to a new message on Tinder and it was from, go on guess who, no, not Ed Sheeran or Joel Dommett, but F, yes my F! (Ah damn I’ve now given away the ending. Just pretend you have no idea who F is, humour me!)

So we got chatting, the odd message here and there, him attempting to impress me by saying a word in French because he read in my about me that I studied French at university, me eagerly relying with questions about him. This went back and forth a while before we eventually met up. I felt myself gaining confidence just by speaking to him. I was coming out of my shell that I had hibernated under for so long.

He went on holiday to America a couple of weeks after we’d been speaking. I expected our conversation to die out and that be the end of that. To my surprise I did still receive the odd message here and there and he still seemed keen. *jump for joy* he even sent me a picture of him at Times Square!

Continue reading “The One, The Only, F.”

Back to Day One 

Day 1 of the journey from Mad Girl to Made Girl:

I suppose I should start with a bit of history about my situstion. Sorry to bore you but bare with me please.

So for years, I’ve never felt quite normal. At first I thought it was just the awkward teen years. You know what’s it like, the acne, not being a part of the popular group, trying to actually pass exams whilst also trying to show you don’t care that much because you don’t want to be labelled a nerd or a geek ¬†(a label I would love now!). Yeah well, I went through the emo phase of things, black skinny jeans, band tops, black hair with a mahussive side fringe which started from the opposite side at the back of my head. Oh the shame. Contrary to belief, not all Emos self harmed or were sad and crying all the time, we actually did smile and know how to have a laugh. I mostly got into the emo side of life because I loved the music. The screamo, the rock, the alternative, the pop punk, even some of the heavy metal. The music had feeling, had soul in my eyes.

However this look really didn’t sit well with my positioning at school. I went to a posh private school full of snobs and kids with parents who were too wealthy for their own good half the time. My parents spent everything they had on mine and my brother’s education and to this day I regret their decision for me. I wasn’t happy in that school and I don’t look back on my time there with fond memories. I haven’t come away with friends for life nor have I come away with a particularly good education.

Continue reading “Back to Day One¬†“