I’m in that state of mind Where I bottle everything inside my head And stare at the ground

Wow, it has been a while since I’ve ventured to this neck of the woods. Feels like I am in a room at a family reunion and not quite sure what to say to you all. Feels a bit awkward turtle in here. I know I keep having moments of being overly trigger happy on the typing front then I disappear into oblivion for a bit. I keep saying sorry for my lack of writing, but no one cares really, do they? And clearly I don’t mean my sorry because I keep doing it over and over, so sorry about that.

I wish I could say I have been absent for a good reason; that I have been happy, socialising, enjoying this thing that we call life. If I did say this, I would be lying. Not wholeheartedly lying but for the most part, I would be.

Life’s a funny old thing, isn’t it?  Life with mental health illness is even funnier. You never know quite how you feel. If you’re coming or going. If you want to smile or cry. If you want to love and be loved or be alone. If you want to live or die. There’s never a definite answer to those conflictions.

I just want to write. I want to get it all down. Out of my head. I want to try to make sense of some of these thoughts.

The last what, how long has it been since I last wrote? Month?  Month and a half? Well they have been a bit topsy turvey. Nothing significant has caused this to happen, I just don’t think I am handling things all that well and not really receiving much help when I do try to talk and ask for help.

I want to talk about my successes, because I have to at least have some positivism, right?

Where to start? There are actually a few good things that I have done, achieved and experienced.I have come out of my comfort zone, done things on my own that I never thought was possible and even dragged myself onto a plane and spent a weekend with extended family, when all I wanted to do was curl into a ball and not talk to anyone.

I went to my Best Friend’s wedding. On my own. And I only went and survived, didn’t I?! I got through it all, meeting her relatives the night before when I wasn’t expecting to see them, I went out to dinner with her and her family and I even managed to walk down the aisle with her and dance the night away on the dance floor! I was truly honoured to be so involved in my Best Friend’s wedding to the extent that I was but in all honesty I was stressing about it. I was dreading it at times, especially when I knew F wasn’t going to be there by my side for the whole day. I wouldn’t see his face across the room to reassure me I  was doing a good job, I wouldn’t have him there to dance with, to kiss, to celebrate true love with. I wouldn’t have him to go to bed with and enjoy the novelty of a hotel room. I don’t think anyone realised I would find it tough or that it was those little things that I would struggle with.

I was also fearing the amount of people. The conversations that I would have to make with people I hadn’t met before. Walking down the aisle before the Bride. How I was going to get there and how I was going to get back. How I was going to carry everything on my own. Whether I would fit into my dress or if I had binged too much so wouldn’t. Who would I spend the evening part of the ceremony with. What would I talk to people about?

I know these all sound so irrational to most people and a lot of  people out there wouldn’t even think these things before an event, but that’s what anxiety does. At times I get so angry at myself, because the anxiety is not only ruining it for me, but it affects other people. Leading up to the wedding, I just distanced myself from my Best Friend Bee, I felt I couldn’t talk to her because I didn’t want to distract her from the wedding. I had no one to talk to. But I don’t think I generally wanted to talk to anyone about it, because no one quite understands. They often just see it as acting irrational, and over thinking. Being dramatic. But it isn’t. They don’t feel the heart racing. Palms getting sweaty. The room starting to spin. The catch of breath. The obsessive thinking and overthinking of the situation, the outcomes, the possibilities. It’s a bizarre thing to face and no matter how much you try to tell yourself you’re being irrational and ridiculous, it doesn’t calm you down and doesn’t make it go away.

But, the event has passed, and I survived. I wish I hadn’t felt all that I did before the big day, but I did and I can’t take it back. I had a good time, got some good memories, and saw people I hadn’t seen since University. Conversation wasn’t always flowing and I wasn’t comfortable a lot of the time, but I did it. I got through it for my Best Friend and just seeing her as happy and as beautiful as she was, it was worth going to.

What’s the next thing that I have forced myself through?
Belfast.


I have always wanted to go to Belfast, More for the love of the accent of the people than anything else, but also because it is such a beautiful place. I finally got the chance to go and visit my cousin, who I haven’t seen in years with our Auntie for a quick weekend away. When I first booked this up, I was in a place where I wanted to keep myself busy and go on adventures, be sociable and be happy. The week leading up to the weekend, I felt low. I cried in work several times, I didn’t want to get up most mornings. I was struggling. I kept trying to think of ways to get out of going to Belfast. I didn’t want to see family. I was panicking about how I would feel around family I haven’t seen in a while. What conversation I would have. If I would have to talk about my job, which I was fully loathing at this point. If they would ask about my parents and how they were getting on. It was always awkward because years ago, my Uncle and my Mum fell out and we’ve never really spoken to him since or his family. The feud was between my Mum and Uncle, but I have a loyalty to my Mum and I felt guilty that I was going away for the weekend and spending it with her brother, who she despises. The only thing that I wasn’t worried about: was the flight. The thing that most people would panic about was the one thing I didn’t even care about.

It was obvious, I had no choice but to go.

The trip was very up and down for me, personally. At times I felt like I was doing okay, but other times, I just wanted to disappear off on my own and not have to talk or listen to others. That sounds incredibly selfish, and I apologise profusely for that. I am so grateful to my Auntie for suggesting the weekend away and to my cousin for organising things for us to do. It was great to see my Auntie and Uncle as well, and they really couldn’t have nicer or more welcoming and warm than they they were. I appreciated the beautiful city that was Belfast, but I just couldn’t shake that low, numbing feeling that kept cropping out. 
I will do a blog post on Belfast, because the history, the people and the place are just incredible and I am champing at the bit to return and see all that Belfast has to offer. I will talk briefly of one thing that really spurred an excitement in me that I hadn’t felt for a while. I witness a protest. A  protest in favour of pro-choice. Now, I have never done a protest, or felt passionate enough about anything to actually get involved in one. However, watching these people in huge groups peacefully marching along voicing their opinion, it made me really excited and warm and wanting to join in. I felt a spur of passion about a topic which I haven’t felt in ages. 

I did Belfast. I spoke with my family. I even had to stay an extra day with them all because of Storm Ophelia cancelling all the flights back home. I smiled, I laughed and I did have good points. I made it through. Got some good memories and witnessed many new things. I dragged myself so far out of my comfort zone: I made conversation, got myself out of bed, plastered a smile on my face, did things I didn’t want to do and I had a good time for the most part. I even traveled to the airport on my own on the way back and got through the journey as well. TBH I think I relished on doing the journey on my own, I felt independent and liked having time to myself after a very full on weekend being surrounded by people. 

Finally, the third thing that I count as a success, is me putting myself out there and meeting new people, doing new things and socialising. My October was a full packed month. I didn’t have one weekend to just relax and even during the week I was busy. But I wanted it to be that way. I wanted to be busy. I wanted new adventures. New people. New memories. But I guess there is only so long you can convince yourself you’re doing okay and that you are okay being surrounded by people and going out and doing things. This started of great. I loved going out. I went to a festival with someone new, I went to a show with another, I have been for cocktails, been cooked dinner, and even gone for a walk in Greenwich on a beautiful autumn day. I have made two people in particular who I have loved spending time with. Their conversations, their humor and their comfort really appealed to me and I was always so excited to go see them. I was seeing them every week and always had a laugh and came away smiling. Of course, I still had times on my own, when I would feel sad, alone and different. At times I regretted being as happy as I was and felt I didn’t deserve to be feeling that way. Other times my mind would wonder back to F, and the times we had together and the times we had planned for these next few months. Other times I just wanted to hide away, cut all communication and be on my own. I fought these feelings for the whole of October. I kept going out even when I didn’t want to and I am glad I did because I always had a good time. Yet, now I have sunk right back down. I have now cancelled three times on them and slowly reclining back into my shell. I know I shouldn’t. I know I should persevere and stick with this because I have been happy. I have laughed when I thought all I wanted to do was cry. I have met some really interesting people who have shown an interest. I just wish I felt more like I deserved to know them. That is deserved to have their friendship. That I deserved to be happy.

Please don’t misunderstand me, I am so grateful for my life and those that I have around me. I am grateful for the opportunities I have been given and those yet to come. I understand there’s a lot more hardship that others are suffering out there, and I am so thankful that I am fortunate enough to be who I am, where I live, Where I work and who I know, but no matter how much I try to remind myself and bring that to the forefront of my mind, I still just feel… how to put this politely… shit. I still, so much of the time find myself struggling to compute other thoughts that aren’t negative. I can’t help thinking at times that not to live would be a way to not feel the way I do anymore. I am tired of feeling so up and down. It’s exhausting. 

Not Quite Made Girl 

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My Skin’s Smothering Me

Some days you just wake up and know it is going to be a weird day, and today that was one of those for me.
I got very little sleep the previous night. I wasn’t worrying about anything or too hot or uncomfortable, I just couldn’t drop off.
This morning came far too soon and my alarm was bleeping at me to get up before I knew it.

Today was the day of my hospital visit. For those that read my blog often, you will know that in my first progress update, I mentioned that I booked a Doctor’s appointment for three week times (that was the soonest I could get one) because I finally came to the realisation that I wasn’t alright. I struggled with my self image and with food. Doc was great and listened away to me far longer than he needed to and he understood. The most important thing for him to do first was to ensure that my eating disorders hadn’t damaged me physically and then his next priority is to deal with me mentally and see what help I can get for that. He has referred me to Talking Therapies again, so I will try that path once more now I know what I need to sort out.

Continue reading “My Skin’s Smothering Me”

You’ll find someone better. 

‘You’ll find someone better’.

Why do people always say this when you break up with someone? I know they think it is to make you feel better, but realistically, it doesn’t. It isn’t even a fact. It is just something someone says in passing when there’s not a lot else to say.

This is all I have heard the past week and I’m sick of it. If I wanted to do better, I would have ended. If I thought I could do better, I would have been the one to end it. But I don’t want better. I had the best and I am not afraid to admit. I had my one. I had my other half. There is no better out there. There may be others out there, but they aren’t better because they aren’t F.
I know they are only trying to help and be positive, but to me, that’s the last thing I want to hear. I have dedicated a whole year, even more than a year, to this one person who I believed was going to be my one. Was going to be the one, that down the line I would marry, have children with and have a family. I have gone through so many highs and lows with this personal but that’s only because I care so much for him. If I didn’t fight for him then it shows I never cared. And I cared so much. I have become so invested in this one person, supporting him through everything, being so proud of him, being his cheerleader, showing him how much I loved him, yet the bad times just won. I don’t want better. I want F. 

Now, I know he will be being told the same thing, no doubt. It’s what people say when you break up as we have already established. However, maybe he can do better? He can find someone who hasn’t gotten a mental illness. Someone who is okay with who they are. But I know, given time I can be that person. I can learn to love myself and become more aware of my illness. I need to for my own sake more than anyone else’s. I need to be more open about it and seek the help. There’s so much in my past I need  to talk about and to understand and once I do that, I know I will learn to love myself and I can see that only being a short matter of time.
I have made big steps in learning to love myself and be me again after so many years. I started to love myself around F, he made me confident and happy but sometimes the anxiety would just win and make me doubt who I was as a person. But I am better than that and I have never said that before. I deserve to be a better person. I am a good person, I just need to be more open about my mental health because that has been holding me back far too long.
I am a better person and I can be better still. And I am working on that. I can be that better person for F, but I just need to know he is willing to wait and give me that chance. I am not asking for a long time, I just need to get my initial doctor’s appointment out the way, book some counselling, look at different medications as well as the pill and I am on my way. This will all be happening in the next couple of weeks and I am excited to see the outcome. Please F, can you just be there along the way and see for yourself. It will be worth it.

Progress Update 102

A whole weekend without seeing F, once. Or even speaking to him. It has been so tough. But I have to show I am changing. The old me would have been bombarding him with messages, begging to speak, not giving him his space. Making things worse. But this way, I am just stepping back and letting him have that space.

So, what has happened this weekend? Has there been change? I think there has.

Where shall I start? I have finally booked a weekend away. I have needed this so much for such a long time. Just a weekend away on my own. Come to terms with what has been going on the last few months. And actually understand what I am thinking, how I am feeling and just think about it. How my behaviour has changed and how I am going to change that. I haven’t allowed myself to do that since I got the diagnosis because I wanted to pretend there was nothing wrong. I wanted to be normal. But I can’t brush it under the carpet anymore. So with this little break away, it is only 2 full days but half a day each side, I can just wonder along the beach, and just think. Take everything in. And learn to appreciate everything again. I have got so lost in everyday life here and all the changes and pressures that I felt hanging on my shoulders that I can just shrug them off and look at it all afresh. I have been saying for months that I need to get away and I finally will be next weekend.

Continue reading “Progress Update 102”

Mia

*Might be a trigger – Eating Disorders*

It’s time I talked about the other half of me. I have kept this locked up far too long. I have let it dominated me throughout the years and more so in the last few months. It’s become harder to talk about and harder to battle. The effect it has on me has been damaging not only on my physical health, but my mental health. Say hello to Mia.

I have touched upon my eating habits before but never in depth. Never openly. So now’s the time.

My disorders started when I was about 17. It started out through stress. No, that’s a lie. I have always battled with my appearance. I was never classed as pretty or beautiful at school and I was never catching anybody’s eye. One comment from a fellow pupil in my year has stuck with me. It was on a Facebook picture my friend had photographed of me as she was in to photography. And this guy just wrote Naturally ugly. He was quite popular, so if he thought that, and could say that so openly on social media, then I dread to think what he used to say to the others at school.
Another comment which has stuck with me for over 10 years came from someone who I considered a friend. I was walking away and she shouted, look at the fat jingle. Yes, there was a few of us having a tiff, but she picked me out. Singled me out.

Continue reading “Mia”

What do you do? 

What do you do when the one person who you loved most walks out of your life without a single care? How do you carry on living? How can you carry on as just one person when you’ve been part of a two for so long? How do you face your fears without your best friend by your side?

I’m struggling. Really struggling today. I’ve been sent home from work. My lack of food is affecting me but I have such little care for looking after the small things such as nourishing myself. I’m too focused on what I’ve lost and what I need to do to win him back.

I try to distract myself and avert my thoughts but I keep finding my brain running back to memories of me and F and all the things we had planned.

I lost all hope today that I would ever get him back. I feel I’m fighting a one sided battle. I’m on my own and there’s no victory in sight. I don’t get to have him back at the end of all this.

Continue reading “What do you do? “

You’re a product of your environment

In the famous words of W. Clement Stone:

‘You are a product of your environment. So choose the environment that will best develop you toward your objective. Analyze your life in terms of its environment. Are the things around you helping you toward success – or are they holding you back?’

Last night, whilst sat with my parents doing a crossword, I really analysed the way my parents behave to one another in ordinary, every day circumstances. And to my horror, I realised, the way I used to speak to F, is exactly that of my father. My father snaps at my mum, he speaks down to her, he doesn’t listen to her, he picks holes, he raises his voice when there isn’t a need and he is easily agitated.
When I realised this, I sat back in horror. I am my Dad, and that is always one thing I didn’t want to be. But it got me thinking, I really am a product of the environment that I have had around me for the last 24 years and that is why I think it is ‘okay’ or ‘normal’ to behave the way I did around F.

To be like my Dad, although he does have many pros, I don’t want to be like him. I don’t want his temper, his aggression, or the way he says things. That isn’t me and I refuse to let that part of me win.
So after researching the saying ‘You are a product of your environment’, I came across the full quote and instantly made that my mantra for change.

Continue reading “You’re a product of your environment”

Progress Update 101

My first post about the progress that I am making. The changes that I am implementing to make myself a better person.

I have achieved a lot in one day. Well I think I have. I have already felt a difference in myself and how I respond to things. I admit, I still haven’t eaten anything, but I am drinking now so I am getting back in that sense. But in everything else, I feel more positive. I feel lighter and more relaxed.

Before, the little things used to get to me. If I wasn’t in a good mood or feeling down, I would just sit there in silence and not really show any emotion to whatever anyone else around me was saying. But today, even in the circumstances that I am in at the moment, I have smiled, I have responded to people and I have been friendly and approachable, even my Mum has noticed and commented. She seems proud of me and how I am handling this, so that’s a big bonus.
I had absolute no aggression driving. I was calm and aware and didn’t over react at minor things happening on around me. I have been aware of the things that are coming out of my mouth and how I am saying them. Yes, it is a lot of work but it is worth it. I have also stopped to think about situations happening around me and realised there is no need to let them get to me, to not react to them. Even at silly comments around me or if someone says something that used to rile me, I now just breathe and carry on as I was. I acknowledge the comment but don’t react. And that’s huge! I have never done that before, hours later I would still be riling from it But now I just drop it and don’t make a scene.

Continue reading “Progress Update 101”

Eureka! 💡

It’s been a while. I do apologise. Life has been happening as of late. And in a good way. Hallelujah!
In the words of the band Paramore:

Things are looking up
Oh, finally
I thought I’d never see the day

They really are looking up and for the first time in a long time, I feel generally content with my life and everything that I have. It has taken me a while to reach this point of realisation but I am so glad I finally have.

So many aspects of my life are going right. Things have fallen into place on the job front and with regards to my relationship with F, I feel we are both finally on the same page of understanding and happier and stronger than we’ve ever been. I don’t want to brag or rub it in everyone’s face, because that’s not the point of this blog. The reason I want to talk about the highs and happiness that I am experiencing at the moment is because I want to show that no matter how low you get or how much of a dark, lonely place you find yourself in, there is always light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can’t see it at that point of time.

Only a few weeks ago, was I at my lowest, not wanting to continue with life anymore. Believing that me and F were doomed for. That I would never get a job. That I would be stuck at home forever. That I would have to sit at home and look at the same four walls all day, day in, day out. I felt so distant from my friends, my family and F. Continue reading “Eureka! 💡”

M.I.A

It has been a while since I last wrote on here and I do apologise for my absence, not that my writing is of any interest.

I’ve had a lot happen in the past couple of weeks and I’ve not known quite how to handle it all. I’ve been very high then very low. There hasn’t been a balance and it is throwing me off.

Therapy:

So I’ve had two face to face session and got my third on Monday. My first session was not at all to my liking. I found it very difficult to agree with what was being said and the techniques that I was being taught. I did do a blog post on my first session. I did take on board the advice and kept a worry diary between the two weeks of my appointments.

I understood how the diary could help. How me deciphering if my worries were hypothetical or practical would help me control some of the extent of my worrying. I understood and so wanted this method to work. I gave it a go. My best shot. I kept it for the first week roughly. I wrote down my general worries throughout the day. I knew what these were so they weren’t a surprise. I knew majority of them were hypothetical and there was nothing I could do but it didn’t help me or the worrying. I just had them written down instead of in my head.

My second face to face session. I broke down. I had had a bad couple of weeks between appointments. My tablets were changed and before that I just felt generally low. I told my therapist about the past weeks. What had been bothering me. What I had felt. What had happened. All I was told was that my next appointment would be in a week and I’d be taught techniques to deal with the lows. And apart from a quick run over of my worry diary and some brief explanation of a new worry technique of only allowing myself to worry for half an hour at about 7pm that was the end of the session.  Continue reading “M.I.A”