You’ll find someone better. 

You’ll find someone better’. 

Why do people always say this when you break up with someone? I know they think it is to make you feel better, but realistically, it doesn’t. It isn’t even a fact. It is just something someone says in passing when there’s not a lot else to say. 

This is all I have heard the past week and I’m sick of it. If I wanted to do better, I would have ended. If I thought I could do better, I would have been the one to end it. But I don’t want better. I had the best and I am not afraid to admit. I had my one. I had my other half. There is no better out there. There may be others out there, but they aren’t better because they aren’t F. 
I know they are only trying to help and be positive, but to me, that’s the last thing I want to hear. I have dedicated a whole year, even more than a year, to this one person who I believed was going to be my one. Was going to be the one, that down the line I would marry, have children with and have a family. I have gone through so many highs and lows with this personal but that’s only because I care so much for him. If I didn’t fight for him then it shows I never cared. And I cared so much. I have become so invested in this one person, supporting him through everything, being so proud of him, being his cheerleader, showing him how much I loved him, yet the bad times just won. I don’t want better. I want F. 

Now, I know he will be being told the same thing, no doubt. It’s what people say when you break up as we have already established. However, maybe he can do better? He can find someone who hasn’t gotten a mental illness. Someone who is okay with who they are. But I know, given time I can be that person. I can learn to love myself and become more aware of my illness. I need to for my own sake more than anyone else’s. I need to be more open about it and seek the help. There’s so much in my past I need  to talk about and to understand and once I do that, I know I will learn to love myself and I can see that only being a short matter of time. 
I have made big steps in learning to love myself and be me again after so many years. I started to love myself around F, he made me confident and happy but sometimes the anxiety would just win and make me doubt who I was as a person. But I am better than that and I have never said that before. I deserve to be a better person. I am a good person, I just need to be more open about my mental health because that has been holding me back far too long. 
I am a better person and I can be better still. And I am working on that. I can be that better person for F, but I just need to know he is willing to wait and give me that chance. I am not asking for a long time, I just need to get my initial doctor’s appointment out the way, book some counselling, look at different medications as well as the pill and I am on my way. This will all be happening in the next couple of weeks and I am excited to see the outcome. Please F, can you just be there along the way and see for yourself. It will be worth it.

Progress Update 102

A whole weekend without seeing F, once. Or even speaking to him. It has been so tough. But I have to show I am changing. The old me would have been bombarding him with messages, begging to speak, not giving him his space. Making things worse. But this way, I am just stepping back and letting him have that space.

So, what has happened this weekend? Has there been change? I think there has.

Where shall I start? I have finally booked a weekend away. I have needed this so much for such a long time. Just a weekend away on my own. Come to terms with what has been going on the last few months. And actually understand what I am thinking, how I am feeling and just think about it. How my behaviour has changed and how I am going to change that. I haven’t allowed myself to do that since I got the diagnosis because I wanted to pretend there was nothing wrong. I wanted to be normal. But I can’t brush it under the carpet anymore. So with this little break away, it is only 2 full days but half a day each side, I can just wonder along the beach, and just think. Take everything in. And learn to appreciate everything again. I have got so lost in everyday life here and all the changes and pressures that I felt hanging on my shoulders that I can just shrug them off and look at it all afresh. I have been saying for months that I need to get away and I finally will be next weekend.

Continue reading “Progress Update 102”

Mia

*Might be a trigger – Eating Disorders*

It’s time I talked about the other half of me. I have kept this locked up far too long. I have let it dominated me throughout the years and more so in the last few months. It’s become harder to talk about and harder to battle. The effect it has on me has been damaging not only on my physical health, but my mental health. Say hello to Mia.

I have touched upon my eating habits before but never in depth. Never openly. So now’s the time.

My disorders started when I was about 17. It started out through stress. No, that’s a lie. I have always battled with my appearance. I was never classed as pretty or beautiful at school and I was never catching anybody’s eye. One comment from a fellow pupil in my year has stuck with me. It was on a Facebook picture my friend had photographed of me as she was in to photography. And this guy just wrote Naturally ugly. He was quite popular, so if he thought that, and could say that so openly on social media, then I dread to think what he used to say to the others at school.
Another comment which has stuck with me for over 10 years came from someone who I considered a friend. I was walking away and she shouted, look at the fat jingle. Yes, there was a few of us having a tiff, but she picked me out. Singled me out.

Continue reading “Mia”

What do you do? 

What do you do when the one person who you loved most walks out of your life without a single care? How do you carry on living? How can you carry on as just one person when you’ve been part of a two for so long? How do you face your fears without your best friend by your side?

I’m struggling. Really struggling today. I’ve been sent home from work. My lack of food is affecting me but I have such little care for looking after the small things such as nourishing myself. I’m too focused on what I’ve lost and what I need to do to win him back.

I try to distract myself and avert my thoughts but I keep finding my brain running back to memories of me and F and all the things we had planned.

I lost all hope today that I would ever get him back. I feel I’m fighting a one sided battle. I’m on my own and there’s no victory in sight. I don’t get to have him back at the end of all this.

Continue reading “What do you do? “

You’re a product of your environment

In the famous words of W. Clement Stone:

‘You are a product of your environment. So choose the environment that will best develop you toward your objective. Analyze your life in terms of its environment. Are the things around you helping you toward success – or are they holding you back?’

Last night, whilst sat with my parents doing a crossword, I really analysed the way my parents behave to one another in ordinary, every day circumstances. And to my horror, I realised, the way I used to speak to F, is exactly that of my father. My father snaps at my mum, he speaks down to her, he doesn’t listen to her, he picks holes, he raises his voice when there isn’t a need and he is easily agitated.
When I realised this, I sat back in horror. I am my Dad, and that is always one thing I didn’t want to be. But it got me thinking, I really am a product of the environment that I have had around me for the last 24 years and that is why I think it is ‘okay’ or ‘normal’ to behave the way I did around F.

To be like my Dad, although he does have many pros, I don’t want to be like him. I don’t want his temper, his aggression, or the way he says things. That isn’t me and I refuse to let that part of me win.
So after researching the saying ‘You are a product of your environment’, I came across the full quote and instantly made that my mantra for change.

Continue reading “You’re a product of your environment”

Progress Update 101

My first post about the progress that I am making. The changes that I am implementing to make myself a better person.

I have achieved a lot in one day. Well I think I have. I have already felt a difference in myself and how I respond to things. I admit, I still haven’t eaten anything, but I am drinking now so I am getting back in that sense. But in everything else, I feel more positive. I feel lighter and more relaxed.

Before, the little things used to get to me. If I wasn’t in a good mood or feeling down, I would just sit there in silence and not really show any emotion to whatever anyone else around me was saying. But today, even in the circumstances that I am in at the moment, I have smiled, I have responded to people and I have been friendly and approachable, even my Mum has noticed and commented. She seems proud of me and how I am handling this, so that’s a big bonus.
I had absolute no aggression driving. I was calm and aware and didn’t over react at minor things happening on around me. I have been aware of the things that are coming out of my mouth and how I am saying them. Yes, it is a lot of work but it is worth it. I have also stopped to think about situations happening around me and realised there is no need to let them get to me, to not react to them. Even at silly comments around me or if someone says something that used to rile me, I now just breathe and carry on as I was. I acknowledge the comment but don’t react. And that’s huge! I have never done that before, hours later I would still be riling from it But now I just drop it and don’t make a scene.

Continue reading “Progress Update 101”

Eureka! 💡

It’s been a while. I do apologise. Life has been happening as of late. And in a good way. Hallelujah!
In the words of the band Paramore:

Things are looking up
Oh, finally
I thought I’d never see the day

They really are looking up and for the first time in a long time, I feel generally content with my life and everything that I have. It has taken me a while to reach this point of realisation but I am so glad I finally have.

So many aspects of my life are going right. Things have fallen into place on the job front and with regards to my relationship with F, I feel we are both finally on the same page of understanding and happier and stronger than we’ve ever been. I don’t want to brag or rub it in everyone’s face, because that’s not the point of this blog. The reason I want to talk about the highs and happiness that I am experiencing at the moment is because I want to show that no matter how low you get or how much of a dark, lonely place you find yourself in, there is always light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can’t see it at that point of time.

Only a few weeks ago, was I at my lowest, not wanting to continue with life anymore. Believing that me and F were doomed for. That I would never get a job. That I would be stuck at home forever. That I would have to sit at home and look at the same four walls all day, day in, day out. I felt so distant from my friends, my family and F. Continue reading “Eureka! 💡”