Dear F, (6)

I don’t know why I’m still writing these letters to you especially as we have had the odd conversation here and there through whatsapp. I suppose there’s so much I still don’t understand and I find it easier to comprehend writing it down in a letter to you.

Thank you. I’ve finally realised why you did this. Why you cause this hurt. I’ve finally come to terms with it and I’ve put it towards so much good. I’ve finally learnt how to turn hurt and bad into something positive and helpful and I think that’s what you always wanted me to achieve. So thank you, I finally am learning.

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Dear F, (5)

This weekend I have gone through the emotions over you and I’ve come to a lot of hard hitting truths as well. I think I loved you too much. I idolised you. I worshipped you. You couldn’t do a single thing wrong in my eyes. I could never see another side to you. I thought you were perfect. But you weren’t, were you? You weren’t all that? You weren’t everything I thought or made you out to be.

I’ve been so quick to blame myself. That I’m the one that needs to change. I’m the one who has caused all this. I’m the one who is at fault. But it isn’t just me. It takes two to tango as they say. Yes, i have things to work on but this isn’t solely my fault. Thanks to my aunt and my friends for helping me to highlight this.

You were just never on my side. You didn’t support me. You didn’t help me. You didn’t have my best interests at heart. You didn’t put me first. Ever. I came second to everyone. And I accepted that. But I shouldn’t have. That’s not how relationships work. I always put you first. Always supported you. Always tried to make you feel better. Yet, when it came to me, you always believed it was self inflicted. Every time i complained of a bad tummy, despite having IBS, you just always put it down to stress or worry, even though I’d sit there and tell you that I was happy, without stress, you just wouldn’t let me feel unwell. Continue reading “Dear F, (5)”

Progress Update 103

Can I just get a round of high fives as yesterday I hit a couple of realisations and I actually achieved such a change in my train of thought, that a few weeks ago, would have been so different. Amazing what a couple of weeks does for you and a bit of drive, hope and determination.

Image result for high five gif
Source: https://giphy.com/gifs/barack-obama-president-they-tried-TEFplLVRDMWBi

 

Yesterday, the weather was shocking here. It was like a true winter’s day. It rained all day. It was flooding. It was grey. It was cold. It could have given me so many reasons to recluse within myself a bit and draw back from my positive outlook and go back to my old ways.

 

Instead, I embraced it! I got soaked on the way to work, but I was smiling. I didn’t care. It was such a minor thing, it wasn’t going to be permanent and I would dry off the second I got to work.
I walked in with a smile and greeted those around me. I feel I am becoming more approachable. I am dropping that barrier that I used to carry. And it is all thanks to being honest with those around me and being honest with myself.

On Tuesday, I finally opened up to those that I work with. I may have over shared a bit too much, but it helped. I got other opinions, other views, other people’s advice which is so different to that of those that I normally surround myself with, such as friends outside of work and my parents.
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Dear F, (4)

Today is our anniversary. We were so close to making it. A week off. Instead of being out just toasting a drink to us, being relaxed and happy, I am sat here, regretting my actions so, so much.

A week ago today, I sat there and heard you end it. I couldn’t understand it. Or believe it. I didn’t know where it had come from. I wasn’t expecting it. Only the night before you sat there and said ‘Goodnight, love you’. Even that day you messaged me saying ‘Hey baby’. You put x’s at the end. I didn’t guess anything was up until you said ‘Can I see you tonight? I feel really down 😦 x’. As soon as I read that, you know what my mind jumps to and I immediately thought you were breaking up with me. There was no rhyme or reason as to why I thought this. But it was so out of the blue and you’ve done that before. Why couldn’t you just talk to me. Why couldn’t you have spoken to me on Saturday at the time? Why did you give me such false hope on the Sunday? You woke me up with sex, we had a shower together and you even stressed we needed to look into booking a holiday. What changes in 24 hours? Were your thoughts really that harrowing? Why couldn’t you just speak to me?
Every time we had a dispute you would act okay after. You gave me the impression that all was fine. Why couldn’t you just sit me down and really tell me the truth? The hard hitting truth would have pushed me to change a hell of a lot quicker. Instead you’ve let it build to this. And that hurts. It hurts because I was under the impression that we were in love with each other and we were in it together.

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Dear F, (3)

I was catching up on Orient articles before their first match today against Sutton! So much has happened within the club in the past week alone.

The most exciting news was that we have Abrahams back! I am sure you were all over it when it was first announced.
I couldn’t believe it when I came across the article on BBC sport. He might have signed for Norwich, but he’s playing for us. I think you predicted that didn’t you? You said he would want to carry on playing for a first team, and now he can thanks to being loaned out back to us O’s.
It’s a shame that the same won’t happen for Alzate. But we seemed to have signed a lot of good players, and seem to be on a bit of winning streak pre-season. Definitely no losses.

Today is the day the season started. I wished so much that I could be sat with you listening to the commentary, with baited breath every time they are near the goal end. Just like we were on Valentine’s Day. But I couldn’t. And that’s okay because that’s what you wanted.

It wasn’t a great day for the O’s. First game of a new season in a new league and they lost. a 2-0 defeat! What did you make of that? By the sounds of it, there were a few issues. Grainger in goal, we always knew it wouldn’t be too great. O’s always lacked a goalie and it is still showing this season despite all the changes that have been made.
What a disappointment for Mooney. Technically we can say the O’s scored, even if it wasn’t allowed because of a foul. But that’s better than some games last season, where we didn’t even hit in haha.

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Progress Update 101

My first post about the progress that I am making. The changes that I am implementing to make myself a better person.

I have achieved a lot in one day. Well I think I have. I have already felt a difference in myself and how I respond to things. I admit, I still haven’t eaten anything, but I am drinking now so I am getting back in that sense. But in everything else, I feel more positive. I feel lighter and more relaxed.

Before, the little things used to get to me. If I wasn’t in a good mood or feeling down, I would just sit there in silence and not really show any emotion to whatever anyone else around me was saying. But today, even in the circumstances that I am in at the moment, I have smiled, I have responded to people and I have been friendly and approachable, even my Mum has noticed and commented. She seems proud of me and how I am handling this, so that’s a big bonus.
I had absolute no aggression driving. I was calm and aware and didn’t over react at minor things happening on around me. I have been aware of the things that are coming out of my mouth and how I am saying them. Yes, it is a lot of work but it is worth it. I have also stopped to think about situations happening around me and realised there is no need to let them get to me, to not react to them. Even at silly comments around me or if someone says something that used to rile me, I now just breathe and carry on as I was. I acknowledge the comment but don’t react. And that’s huge! I have never done that before, hours later I would still be riling from it But now I just drop it and don’t make a scene.

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Madness

Camden Town: the home of alternative rock. But also the home of the one and only band that is Madness.
On the radio today, a Madness song came on and as I sat and sung along with it, I realised its relevance. It sat true with me and F in a fair few ways. The song was My Girl. The me that was in the relationship with F, sounds the exact same of the girl in that song. I would get mad if he didn’t want to do something, because he’d rather sit at home or do something else. I would over react and become so sensitive to it. I would think he has had enough of me, that he doesn’t want to be seen with me in public, but like the song says, he simply was thinking:  ‘Why can’t she see, She’s lovely to me? But I like to stay in
And watch t.v. on my own every now and then’.

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Update Progress 10-

Well, hi. It has been a while. I am sorry to those who have been worried and to those who I have not replied to but it has been a crazy few months. A lot has changed, and last night my whole world fell apart, as F dumped me.

These last few months I have been so up and down and I have been unbearable at times. I started a new job, my brother got caught up in the London attacks, F got a flat and moved into it and I just generally was learning to battle with my emotions.

I loved my job at first. I really did. It was exciting, it was new. It was everything I thought it would be and more. However, in the last month and a half or so, I have been struggling to fit in and feel comfortable at work. I have such a different mantra to those I work with. We have different beliefs, different views and very different politics. Normally, I am so easy going and am not affected by difference, but in this job it is so prominent and unless you think their way, you are seen as a bit of an oddball, so I have had to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself about certain things, especially when the elections were happening. Work has also slowed down incredibly. Most days I am sat at my laptop, just staring at the screen trying to think of things to do. I have planned most of my best friend’s hen party at work thanks to these slow times, but now that’s almost finished being planned, I have very little else to do.

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Hot ‘N’ Cold 

In the words of Katy Perry:

You’re hot then you’re cold,
You’re yes then you’re no,
You’re in then you’re out,
You’re up then you’re down. 

Yes, Katy, you said it best. You’re been preaching it right for the past 9 years. It seems you have a good way with words.

So, what is Katy Perry doing in my blog? Well I was sat in bed with F the other day, I say sat, I mean half dozing, when suddenly this song came to mind. I know, out of all the songs out there and the tunes I listen to, I get a throw back to my early teen years.  Continue reading “Hot ‘N’ Cold “

Dear F,

Well here I am writing you another letter. I suppose I find it easier to express myself to tell you just what is on my mind and the hypothetical worries that I have.

This weekend was my first weekend without in a while. I didn’t expect to find it as hard as I have. It didn’t help that this week I haven’t exactly been in a great place mentally. But spending the whole weekend without seeing you or touching you was hard. There were so many times that I found myself yearning for you and a ‘your’ hugs. Your comfort. Your security. I dreaded a whole weekend in with my parents. It was as I expected. Them bickering most of the weekend over menial stuff and many awkward silences. It was nothing compared to the easiness and comfort of our weekends together at yours with your family. I missed them.

All weekend I have had so many thoughts running through my head. I have been really struggling with them. And I have had no one to turn to for confirmation that everything was okay and will continue to be okay. So I thought I would get them all down in a letter. I chose to write it to you because you’re the one who I want to understand what it is that I feel and fear. What keeps me up. What makes me sad. What hurts me. What makes me behave the way I do at times. Continue reading “Dear F,”