Dear F, (6)

I don’t know why I’m still writing these letters to you especially as we have had the odd conversation here and there through whatsapp. I suppose there’s so much I still don’t understand and I find it easier to comprehend writing it down in a letter to you. 

Thank you. I’ve finally realised why you did this. Why you cause this hurt. I’ve finally come to terms with it and I’ve put it towards so much good. I’ve finally learnt how to turn hurt and bad into something positive and helpful and I think that’s what you always wanted me to achieve. So thank you, I finally am learning. 

I’ve done so much these past three weeks F. I think you’d be so proud of me and so happy for me. If only you could see how generally smiley and perky I am at times. In situations that I used to hate but now thrive in. How I’m dealing with my thoughts and behaviours. How I’m learning to believe and accept I’m responsible for my behaviour and that I’m the only who is capable of changing that.

I’ve been socialising so much. I’m so much friendlier. I feel more approachable.  I even speak to people on train journeys now. I’m asking questions. I’m showing interest in people. I’m no longer running home from work to message you or to see you. I’m doing me for a while and it’s paying off. 

I’ve gone drinking with work this week. Played fun drinking games. A shot roulette. You would have cringed at the shot I got bought and been almost sick at what I bought the person after me: whiskey, aperol and milk! I know, it’s disgusting but it was such a pretty colour, even if it did curdle. 

People at work have been open with me. They said I’ve always been so positive. That I always seem so perky. Some of them hadn’t even realised that I’d been dumped and was heart broken. They said I’m always so happy and positive. How polite I am. See F, I am a good person.  I can be positive and I can be happy. I’m sorry I just lost that with you and found it harder to hard from you. But I’m learning not to hide it any more. I’ve told some people at work about my anxiety and depression and although they were shocked they didn’t judge me. And I feel such a weight off my shoulders. I feel I can finally be open about everything. I don’t have to hide it and burden it on the select few I choose. I can relieve that and just say I’m having a shit day and not worry about hiding it. No more turning to You, or my parents or Bee, and making you all miserable with me. Instead I can just be vocal and lose myself in conversation and socialising at work as they all seem so keen to keep me involved with things and help. 

Sorry it took so long for me to relieve your pressure. But things had to change from my perspective before anything else could change and as I wrote in my blog about change, I’m finally there. I’m finally embracing change. 

I went to St. Neots this weekend. I bit the bullet and travelled up there despite my anxiety trying to win. I went even though I was worried about Bee’s friend who moaned about me on twitter. I went even though I didn’t want to do the train journey up there. I went, even though I felt I couldn’t. Not when I was meant to have been going to Orient vs Woking away with you and your friends. But I did it! I went with very little issue and resistance and I had fun! I saw the Dragon boat races, tried the dresses on and had a fun, girly evening with my bestie and the other girls with bottles of prosecco and cards against humanity! I forgot I needed to do these kind of things. I forgot to socialise. I forgot the importance of keeping my friendships. I’m sorry I  became so reliant on you. I’m sorry. 

I’m happier F, not because we’re not together but because I’ve realised I am my own person and can be okay! I’m not all bad. I just need to be more open and honest and learn to say yes more. 

However, I have a slight niggle. It’s not helping me. I appreciate you sending me messages and hearing from you but please don’t when you know that you were the one to end it. You were the one who never saw a future. You’ve got to stop giving me that belief. That little ray of hope of returning to normality with you. Because I can’t do that as friends. I could only do that with you if there was a chance of a future. There was too much there for me between us to just pretend to be friends. It hurts more than not talking to you. 

Why do you message? Why do you keep the conversation going? Please, just stop. It’s not helping. Please don’t like my Instagram photos either. I don’t need your likes nor do I want them anymore. I don’t want your pitty on a photo that only got a couple of likes. You’re not interested in my life F. You’re not interested me. So why do it? 

I wish so much that you did all that because you still liked me. That you still saw a future for us. But I’m facing reality and facts and know that you have no intention of that. So please, don’t. Unless I’m wrong? But I doubt that. I never was right when it came to anything between us. You always were right. Haha. 

Thank you, but no thank you bubs. I can’t keep facing the disappointment and wondering. 

But look F, I’m living.  I’m coping. I’m surviving and I’m doing it just fine. I miss you so much. And I crave your touch. Your hug. Your kiss and your love. But I’m getting by and I’m changing and that’s all I can keep doing for now. I just wish you could see it for yourself F, I think you’d love this other version of me so much more. 

Siggy

Dear F (5),

This weekend I have gone through the emotions over you and I've come to a lot of hard hitting truths as well. I think I loved you too much. I idolised you. I worshipped you. You couldn't do a single thing wrong in my eyes. I could never see another side to you. I thought you were perfect. But you weren't, were you? You weren't all that? You weren't everything I thought or made you out to be.

I've been so quick to blame myself. That I'm the one that needs to change. I'm the one who has caused all this. I'm the one who is at fault. But it isn't just me. It takes two to tango as they say. Yes, i have things to work on but this isn't solely my fault. Thanks to my aunt and my friends for helping me to highlight this.

You were just never on my side. You didn't support me. You didn't help me. You didn't have my best interests at heart. You didn't put me first. Ever. I came second to everyone. And I accepted that. But I shouldn't have. That's not how relationships work. I always put you first. Always supported you. Always tried to make you feel better. Yet, when it came to me, you always believed it was self inflicted. Every time i complained of a bad tummy, despite having IBS, you just always put it down to stress or worry, even though I'd sit there and tell you that I was happy, without stress, you just wouldn't let me feel unwell. Continue reading “Dear F (5),”

Progress Update 103

Can I just get a round of high fives as yesterday I hit a couple of realisations and I actually achieved such a change in my train of thought, that a few weeks ago, would have been so different. Amazing what a couple of weeks does for you and a bit of drive, hope and determination. 

Image result for high five gif

Yesterday, the weather was shocking here. It was like a true winter's day. It rained all day. It was flooding. It was grey. It was cold. It could have given me so many reasons to recluse within myself a bit and draw back from my positive outlook and go back to my old ways. 

Instead, I embraced it! I got soaked on the way to work, but I was smiling. I didn't care. It was such a minor thing, it wasn't going to be permanent and I would dry off the second I got to work. 
I walked in with a smile and greeted those around me. I feel I am becoming more approachable. I am dropping that barrier that I used to carry. And it is all thanks to being honest with those around me and being honest with myself. 

On Tuesday, I finally opened up to those that I work with. I may have over shared a bit too much, but it helped. I got other opinions, other views, other people's advice which is so different to that of those that I normally surround myself with, such as friends outside of work and my parents. 
Continue reading “Progress Update 103”

Dear F, (4)

Today is our anniversary. We were so close to making it. A week off. Instead of being out just toasting a drink to us, being relaxed and happy, I am sat here, regretting my actions so, so much.

A week ago today, I sat there and heard you end it. I couldn’t understand it. Or believe it. I didn’t know where it had come from. I wasn’t expecting it. Only the night before you sat there and said ‘Goodnight, love you’. Even that day you messaged me saying ‘Hey baby’. You put x’s at the end. I didn’t guess anything was up until you said ‘Can I see you tonight? I feel really down 😦 x’. As soon as I read that, you know what my mind jumps to and I immediately thought you were breaking up with me. There was no rhyme or reason as to why I thought this. But it was so out of the blue and you’ve done that before. Why couldn’t you just talk to me. Why couldn’t you have spoken to me on Saturday at the time? Why did you give me such false hope on the Sunday? You woke me up with sex, we had a shower together and you even stressed we needed to look into booking a holiday. What changes in 24 hours? Were your thoughts really that harrowing? Why couldn’t you just speak to me?
Every time we had a dispute you would act okay after. You gave me the impression that all was fine. Why couldn’t you just sit me down and really tell me the truth? The hard hitting truth would have pushed me to change a hell of a lot quicker. Instead you’ve let it build to this. And that hurts. It hurts because I was under the impression that we were in love with each other and we were in it together.

Continue reading “Dear F, (4)”

Dear F, (3)

I was catching up on Orient articles before their first match today against Sutton! So much has happened within the club in the past week alone.

The most exciting news was that we have Abrahams back! I am sure you were all over it when it was first announced.
I couldn’t believe it when I came across the article on BBC sport. He might have signed for Norwich, but he’s playing for us. I think you predicted that didn’t you? You said he would want to carry on playing for a first team, and now he can thanks to being loaned out back to us O’s.
It’s a shame that the same won’t happen for Alzate. But we seemed to have signed a lot of good players, and seem to be on a bit of winning streak pre-season. Definitely no losses.

Today is the day the season started. I wished so much that I could be sat with you listening to the commentary, with baited breath every time they are near the goal end. Just like we were on Valentine’s Day. But I couldn’t. And that’s okay because that’s what you wanted.

It wasn’t a great day for the O’s. First game of a new season in a new league and they lost. a 2-0 defeat! What did you make of that? By the sounds of it, there were a few issues. Grainger in goal, we always knew it wouldn’t be too great. O’s always lacked a goalie and it is still showing this season despite all the changes that have been made.
What a disappointment for Mooney. Technically we can say the O’s scored, even if it wasn’t allowed because of a foul. But that’s better than some games last season, where we didn’t even hit in haha.

Continue reading “Dear F, (3)”

Progress Update 101

My first post about the progress that I am making. The changes that I am implementing to make myself a better person.

I have achieved a lot in one day. Well I think I have. I have already felt a difference in myself and how I respond to things. I admit, I still haven’t eaten anything, but I am drinking now so I am getting back in that sense. But in everything else, I feel more positive. I feel lighter and more relaxed.

Before, the little things used to get to me. If I wasn’t in a good mood or feeling down, I would just sit there in silence and not really show any emotion to whatever anyone else around me was saying. But today, even in the circumstances that I am in at the moment, I have smiled, I have responded to people and I have been friendly and approachable, even my Mum has noticed and commented. She seems proud of me and how I am handling this, so that’s a big bonus.
I had absolute no aggression driving. I was calm and aware and didn’t over react at minor things happening on around me. I have been aware of the things that are coming out of my mouth and how I am saying them. Yes, it is a lot of work but it is worth it. I have also stopped to think about situations happening around me and realised there is no need to let them get to me, to not react to them. Even at silly comments around me or if someone says something that used to rile me, I now just breathe and carry on as I was. I acknowledge the comment but don’t react. And that’s huge! I have never done that before, hours later I would still be riling from it But now I just drop it and don’t make a scene.

Continue reading “Progress Update 101”

Madness

Camden Town: the home of alternative rock. But also the home of the one and only band that is Madness.
On the radio today, a Madness song came on and as I sat and sung along with it, I realised its relevance. It sat true with me and F in a fair few ways. The song was My Girl. The me that was in the relationship with F, sounds the exact same of the girl in that song. I would get mad if he didn’t want to do something, because he’d rather sit at home or do something else. I would over react and become so sensitive to it. I would think he has had enough of me, that he doesn’t want to be seen with me in public, but like the song says, he simply was thinking:  ‘Why can’t she see, She’s lovely to me? But I like to stay in
And watch t.v. on my own every now and then’.

Why couldn’t I see that? Why can I only see it now that that was all he wanted when he rejected my plans. He rarely did, but the times he did, I just got mad and felt hurt. What’s wrong with him wanting to just watch TV on his own for one night? We all want to do that from time to time. Why did I over react?

The next verse makes my heart just hurt. It has been me and F so many times. I didn’t realise I caused him so much pain when I was mad, and silent at him. I also always found it hard to understand where he was coming from, what he meant and I never realised I took it all the wrong way. I would react at criticism towards me, when he corrected me on a fact that I thought I had right, even when he was just trying to help in a situation. I always thought he was taking everyone else’s side but mine, but looking back he was only trying to help. I found it hard at times to listen to F’s version of things and how he took things, and I would often resist. But in the end, often too late, I would back down and accept what he was saying. But I wish I never let it get to that stage and I would have just listened straight away, understood where he was coming from and let that be that. But like the girl in the song, I caused him pain, I wouldn’t understand what he was saying and I took it all the wrong way.

I feel like the last verse, applies more to F being the girl than me. The multiple times that we have sat it out and spoken about it, I thought we always reached a level of agreement and could just brush that situation under the carpet and carry on as we were. And I thought F felt that way too, but after Monday I have learnt he never did. Although after we had ‘agreed’ and got on with being the lovey dovey couple we were, he wasn’t actually over it, despite him saying he loved me, or showing me love and happiness. He never really got over each time and let it trump any good that came after it. And Saturday is the very example for this. Saturday, we had an argument, wasn’t a big one, nor an explosive one, but a disagreement where I got upset. We spoke it out and I thought we were okay, got over it, and we carried on with our evening and had a lovely time out that evening. The Sunday we woke up, made love (sorry tmi! and I can’t bring myself to say sex on here haha), spoke about booking a holiday etc. However, the reason he finally ended it all, was because of Saturday night. Although he acted as if everything was fine, and that he was over it and we were in agreement, he actually wasn’t. He over thought it. He looked too much into it. And It affected him and ended in him ending it with me. And that’s why Monday was such a shock because I generally thought we were good and in love and the last couple of weeks had been great! They were great, but he didn’t think so and hid it from me. He thought I didn’t care. He think I am unaware, which I am, so that’s true, because I don’t realise the things I said could hurt him so much. In my head they didn’t seem that bad, and I more often than not, didn’t mean them and said it in the heat of the moment, but unfortunately these things stuck with him far more than the good I did do and the love and care that I did show him.

Here’s the song for those of you that aren’t familiar, and also for those who already know it but love a bit of Madness, Enjoy!

 

Not Quite Made Girl

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