Blue Monday

More often than not, the third Monday in January has become commonly known as ‘Blue Monday’. The one day of the year where it is ‘okay’ to be depressed because everyone else is depressed. Blue Monday was originally PR invented but it has since become an annual holiday and has even got it’s own scientific formula, which is as follows: 

*Clears throat, points at whiteboard with stick, pushes glasses up bridge of the nose* Open square bracket Weather + bracket Debt Level – our ability to pay the debt bracket close square bracket x Time Since Christmas and Time Since Failing our New Year’s Resolutions over Low Motivational Levels x feeling of a need to take charge of the situation.

So, in simple human terms: as the festivities of eating and drinking, lights shining bright, Christmas trees everywhere and the general happiness of Christmas has now come to an abrupt end, instead, we now find our days are filled with work, dark mornings, freezing rain without even the hope of a sprinkling of the white stuff(Snow, not the other white stuff!) After an early payout before Christmas holidays, the wait is even longer till the next paycheck arrives which doesn’t help the debt built up during the celebrations. 

As well as growing debt and physiques, with the end of the year comes the start of a new, and we as humans, love a new start to bring about reason to change. We want to change things about ourselves that we have lived with for all the previous years and keep meaning to do something about but never quite got round to it. Alas, worry no more non amie as the New Year is the time to do this! Or is it?

So now we have in addition to the building up of debt, the physical after mouth on our appearance after the festivities indulgences and the grey days, we also need to change ourselves. All at a time when our motivation is at an all time low thanks to everything mentioned above. It’s a cicious circle really. A rather exhausting one!

Blue Monday. The one day of the year where everyone concensually agrees that they are feeling ‘depressed’. That feeling of sluglishness. Exhaustion. Sadness. Hurt. Pain. It’s universally felt and acknowledged this one day a year. Tomorrow and every other day after aren’t as bad: nearing the end of January, pay day a bit closer and edging that bit more to Spring. And more importantly it won’t be Monday – because everyone knows that any other day after Monday is bearable.

Blue Monday is a continuous day for a lots of people. Some aren’t as lucky as others where depression only appears one day of the year. For those of us with depression or any mental health can’t just decide on a day where we can feel worthless. Feel like not getting out of bed. Having no interest in anything. The struggles and difficulties that come with the reality of depression aren’t just limited to a day. It’s days and weeks in a row. It’s spontaneous. It doesn’t have a reason or rhyme. It’s just depression. And it’s what it does and how it works. 

I don’t have a personal problem with the term ‘Blue Monday’ or the concept of it but I do know it troubles a lot of people because as mentioned, depression isn’t specifically linked to just one day.  It also gives the impression that it’s easy to deal with, it’s not as life impacting as it actually is. It promotes the idea that depression is just feeling a bit bleurgh because of external factors. That isnt what depression is or how it should be perceived.

But instead of belittling this annual event I think we should take it in our stride and use it to get people to talk more about depression. Help people understand it. Talk about it. Communicate more openly about the symptoms of depression. The feeling. The suffering. The things we can do to help each other. 

But most importantly I think we should use Blue Monday as a reminder to just check up on those we care about. Start a conversation with them. Show them you’re thinking of them. You’re there for them for whenever. It doesn’t matter if they suffer with mental health or not – in life we could all do with a bit of tender loving care and a pick up every once in a while and what better way than what has become known as the most depressing day of the year. 

Not Quite Made Girl 


Photo by Olu Eletu



It’s that time of year. The time to reflect back on the past 12 months, the last 365 days, all 8760 hours of it!

What a year this has been. I think it has been the worst and best year of my life. What an oxymoron.

This year started off as a tough one for my mental health. I knew things weren’t always right with me, mentally and I suffered such lows and panic but I never really had anyone to talk to about it and despite my many cries of help over the years, no one reached out to me and offered me a hand,
So, unfortunately this year it all just came too much for me to handle anymore. I was getting worse and all it took was for a flight back from such an amazing holiday with F, for things to come to a head. The panic attack was the start of it – it led to being signed off work for months, going to CBT, trying different tablets and for those around me to try and learn a little about mental health.

Continue reading “2017”

I’m in that state of mind Where I bottle everything inside my head And stare at the ground

Wow, it has been a while since I’ve ventured to this neck of the woods. Feels like I am in a room at a family reunion and not quite sure what to say to you all. Feels a bit awkward turtle in here. I know I keep having moments of being overly trigger happy on the typing front then I disappear into oblivion for a bit. I keep saying sorry for my lack of writing, but no one cares really, do they? And clearly I don’t mean my sorry because I keep doing it over and over, so sorry about that.

I wish I could say I have been absent for a good reason; that I have been happy, socialising, enjoying this thing that we call life. If I did say this, I would be lying. Not wholeheartedly lying but for the most part, I would be.

Life’s a funny old thing, isn’t it?  Life with mental health illness is even funnier. You never know quite how you feel. If you’re coming or going. If you want to smile or cry. If you want to love and be loved or be alone. If you want to live or die. There’s never a definite answer to those conflictions. Continue reading “I’m in that state of mind Where I bottle everything inside my head And stare at the ground”

My Skin’s Smothering Me

Some days you just wake up and know it is going to be a weird day, and today that was one of those for me.
I got very little sleep the previous night. I wasn’t worrying about anything or too hot or uncomfortable, I just couldn’t drop off.
This morning came far too soon and my alarm was bleeping at me to get up before I knew it.

Today was the day of my hospital visit. For those that read my blog often, you will know that in my first progress update, I mentioned that I booked a Doctor’s appointment for three week times (that was the soonest I could get one) because I finally came to the realisation that I wasn’t alright. I struggled with my self image and with food. Doc was great and listened away to me far longer than he needed to and he understood. The most important thing for him to do first was to ensure that my eating disorders hadn’t damaged me physically and then his next priority is to deal with me mentally and see what help I can get for that. He has referred me to Talking Therapies again, so I will try that path once more now I know what I need to sort out.

Continue reading “My Skin’s Smothering Me”

You’ll find someone better. 

‘You’ll find someone better’.

Why do people always say this when you break up with someone? I know they think it is to make you feel better, but realistically, it doesn’t. It isn’t even a fact. It is just something someone says in passing when there’s not a lot else to say.

This is all I have heard the past week and I’m sick of it. If I wanted to do better, I would have ended. If I thought I could do better, I would have been the one to end it. But I don’t want better. I had the best and I am not afraid to admit. I had my one. I had my other half. There is no better out there. There may be others out there, but they aren’t better because they aren’t F.
I know they are only trying to help and be positive, but to me, that’s the last thing I want to hear. I have dedicated a whole year, even more than a year, to this one person who I believed was going to be my one. Was going to be the one, that down the line I would marry, have children with and have a family. I have gone through so many highs and lows with this personal but that’s only because I care so much for him. If I didn’t fight for him then it shows I never cared. And I cared so much. I have become so invested in this one person, supporting him through everything, being so proud of him, being his cheerleader, showing him how much I loved him, yet the bad times just won. I don’t want better. I want F. 
Continue reading “You’ll find someone better. “

Progress Update 102

A whole weekend without seeing F, once. Or even speaking to him. It has been so tough. But I have to show I am changing. The old me would have been bombarding him with messages, begging to speak, not giving him his space. Making things worse. But this way, I am just stepping back and letting him have that space.

So, what has happened this weekend? Has there been change? I think there has.

Where shall I start? I have finally booked a weekend away. I have needed this so much for such a long time. Just a weekend away on my own. Come to terms with what has been going on the last few months. And actually understand what I am thinking, how I am feeling and just think about it. How my behaviour has changed and how I am going to change that. I haven’t allowed myself to do that since I got the diagnosis because I wanted to pretend there was nothing wrong. I wanted to be normal. But I can’t brush it under the carpet anymore. So with this little break away, it is only 2 full days but half a day each side, I can just wonder along the beach, and just think. Take everything in. And learn to appreciate everything again. I have got so lost in everyday life here and all the changes and pressures that I felt hanging on my shoulders that I can just shrug them off and look at it all afresh. I have been saying for months that I need to get away and I finally will be next weekend.

Continue reading “Progress Update 102”


*Might be a trigger – Eating Disorders*

It’s time I talked about the other half of me. I have kept this locked up far too long. I have let it dominated me throughout the years and more so in the last few months. It’s become harder to talk about and harder to battle. The effect it has on me has been damaging not only on my physical health, but my mental health. Say hello to Mia.

I have touched upon my eating habits before but never in depth. Never openly. So now’s the time.

My disorders started when I was about 17. It started out through stress. No, that’s a lie. I have always battled with my appearance. I was never classed as pretty or beautiful at school and I was never catching anybody’s eye. One comment from a fellow pupil in my year has stuck with me. It was on a Facebook picture my friend had photographed of me as she was in to photography. And this guy just wrote Naturally ugly. He was quite popular, so if he thought that, and could say that so openly on social media, then I dread to think what he used to say to the others at school.
Another comment which has stuck with me for over 10 years came from someone who I considered a friend. I was walking away and she shouted, look at the fat jingle. Yes, there was a few of us having a tiff, but she picked me out. Singled me out.

Continue reading “Mia”

You’re a product of your environment

In the famous words of W. Clement Stone:

‘You are a product of your environment. So choose the environment that will best develop you toward your objective. Analyze your life in terms of its environment. Are the things around you helping you toward success – or are they holding you back?’

Last night, whilst sat with my parents doing a crossword, I really analysed the way my parents behave to one another in ordinary, every day circumstances. And to my horror, I realised, the way I used to speak to F, is exactly that of my father. My father snaps at my mum, he speaks down to her, he doesn’t listen to her, he picks holes, he raises his voice when there isn’t a need and he is easily agitated.
When I realised this, I sat back in horror. I am my Dad, and that is always one thing I didn’t want to be. But it got me thinking, I really am a product of the environment that I have had around me for the last 24 years and that is why I think it is ‘okay’ or ‘normal’ to behave the way I did around F.

To be like my Dad, although he does have many pros, I don’t want to be like him. I don’t want his temper, his aggression, or the way he says things. That isn’t me and I refuse to let that part of me win.
So after researching the saying ‘You are a product of your environment’, I came across the full quote and instantly made that my mantra for change.

Continue reading “You’re a product of your environment”

Progress Update 101

My first post about the progress that I am making. The changes that I am implementing to make myself a better person.

I have achieved a lot in one day. Well I think I have. I have already felt a difference in myself and how I respond to things. I admit, I still haven’t eaten anything, but I am drinking now so I am getting back in that sense. But in everything else, I feel more positive. I feel lighter and more relaxed.

Before, the little things used to get to me. If I wasn’t in a good mood or feeling down, I would just sit there in silence and not really show any emotion to whatever anyone else around me was saying. But today, even in the circumstances that I am in at the moment, I have smiled, I have responded to people and I have been friendly and approachable, even my Mum has noticed and commented. She seems proud of me and how I am handling this, so that’s a big bonus.
I had absolute no aggression driving. I was calm and aware and didn’t over react at minor things happening on around me. I have been aware of the things that are coming out of my mouth and how I am saying them. Yes, it is a lot of work but it is worth it. I have also stopped to think about situations happening around me and realised there is no need to let them get to me, to not react to them. Even at silly comments around me or if someone says something that used to rile me, I now just breathe and carry on as I was. I acknowledge the comment but don’t react. And that’s huge! I have never done that before, hours later I would still be riling from it But now I just drop it and don’t make a scene.

Continue reading “Progress Update 101”

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Helen's Journey

👣 Follow my footsteps as I discover a more natural route in life for MIND, BODY, SOUL and spirit!👣 A Wellness and Positivity Blog ✍️ Typing away as I battle chronic illness, all while still wearing my crown 👑

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