‘You’re a woman’, ‘You don’t have an eating disorder’, ‘You have gained a substantial amount in 2 months’ and ‘You’re fine’.
This was just clips of my previous GP appointment that keep popping up in my head and making me feel that surge of hurt and anger at not being listened to. At not being heard. The anger that my gender has anything to do with the situation that I find myself in.
I find it hard enough going to go to the Doctor’s. I always have. I have an irrational fear of seeing them. I always have this belief that they aren’t going to listen. That they won’t believe me and that I am just making it up, despite how I feel at that time. And in that appointment, my fears were completely justified. I had every reason to dread going to the Doctors, because instead of listening or helping, they give you a lecture and make you feel worse.
Continue reading “You’ll Never Know “
Some days you just wake up and know it is going to be a weird day, and today that was one of those for me.
I got very little sleep the previous night. I wasn’t worrying about anything or too hot or uncomfortable, I just couldn’t drop off.
This morning came far too soon and my alarm was bleeping at me to get up before I knew it.
Today was the day of my hospital visit. For those that read my blog often, you will know that in my first progress update, I mentioned that I booked a Doctor’s appointment for three week times (that was the soonest I could get one) because I finally came to the realisation that I wasn’t alright. I struggled with my self image and with food. Doc was great and listened away to me far longer than he needed to and he understood. The most important thing for him to do first was to ensure that my eating disorders hadn’t damaged me physically and then his next priority is to deal with me mentally and see what help I can get for that. He has referred me to Talking Therapies again, so I will try that path once more now I know what I need to sort out.
Continue reading “My Skin’s Smothering Me”
Day 1 of the journey from Mad Girl to Made Girl:
I suppose I should start with a bit of history about my situstion. Sorry to bore you but bare with me please.
So for years, I’ve never felt quite normal. At first I thought it was just the awkward teen years. You know what’s it like, the acne, not being a part of the popular group, trying to actually pass exams whilst also trying to show you don’t care that much because you don’t want to be labelled a nerd or a geek (a label I would love now!). Yeah well, I went through the emo phase of things, black skinny jeans, band tops, black hair with a mahussive side fringe which started from the opposite side at the back of my head. Oh the shame. Contrary to belief, not all Emos self harmed or were sad and crying all the time, we actually did smile and know how to have a laugh. I mostly got into the emo side of life because I loved the music. The screamo, the rock, the alternative, the pop punk, even some of the heavy metal. The music had feeling, had soul in my eyes.
However this look really didn’t sit well with my positioning at school. I went to a posh private school full of snobs and kids with parents who were too wealthy for their own good half the time. My parents spent everything they had on mine and my brother’s education and to this day I regret their decision for me. I wasn’t happy in that school and I don’t look back on my time there with fond memories. I haven’t come away with friends for life nor have I come away with a particularly good education.
Continue reading “Back to Day One “