Dear F, (4)

Today is our anniversary. We were so close to making it. A week off. Instead of being out just toasting a drink to us, being relaxed and happy, I am sat here, regretting my actions so, so much.

A week ago today, I sat there and heard you end it. I couldn’t understand it. Or believe it. I didn’t know where it had come from. I wasn’t expecting it. Only the night before you sat there and said ‘Goodnight, love you’. Even that day you messaged me saying ‘Hey baby’. You put x’s at the end. I didn’t guess anything was up until you said ‘Can I see you tonight? I feel really down ūüė¶ x’. As soon as I read that, you know what my mind jumps to and I immediately thought you were breaking up with me. There was no rhyme or reason as to why I thought this. But it was so out of the blue and you’ve done that before. Why couldn’t you just talk to me. Why couldn’t you have spoken to me on Saturday at the time? Why did you give me such false hope on the Sunday? You woke me up with sex, we had a shower together and you even stressed we needed to look into booking a holiday. What changes in 24 hours? Were your thoughts really that harrowing? Why couldn’t you just speak to me?
Every time we had a dispute you would act okay after. You gave me the impression that all was fine. Why couldn’t you just sit me down and really tell me the truth? The hard hitting truth would have pushed me to change a hell of a lot quicker. Instead you’ve let it build to this. And that hurts. It hurts because I was under the impression that we were in love with each other and we were in it together.

Continue reading “Dear F, (4)”

Progress Update 101

My first post about the progress that I am making. The changes that I am implementing to make myself a better person.

I have achieved a lot in one day. Well I think I have. I have already felt a difference in myself and how I respond to things. I admit, I still haven’t eaten anything, but I am drinking now so I am getting back in that sense. But in everything else, I feel more positive. I feel lighter and more relaxed.

Before, the little things used to get to me. If I wasn’t in a good mood or feeling down, I would just sit there in silence and not really show any emotion to whatever anyone else around me was saying. But today, even in the circumstances that I am in at the moment, I have smiled, I have responded to people and I have been friendly and approachable, even my Mum has noticed and commented. She seems proud of me and how I am handling this, so that’s a big bonus.
I had absolute no aggression driving. I was calm and aware and didn’t over react at minor things happening on around me. I have been aware of the things that are coming out of my mouth and how I am saying them. Yes, it is a lot of work but it is worth it. I have also stopped to think about situations happening around me and realised there is no need to let them get to me, to not react to them. Even at silly comments around me or if someone says something that used to rile me, I now just breathe and carry on as I was. I acknowledge the comment but don’t react. And that’s huge! I have never done that before, hours later I would still be riling from it But now I just drop it and don’t make a scene.

Continue reading “Progress Update 101”

Madness

Camden Town: the home of alternative rock. But also the home of the one and only band that is Madness.
On the radio today, a Madness song came on and as I sat and sung along with it, I realised its relevance. It sat true with me and F in a fair few ways. The song was¬†My Girl.¬†The me that was in the relationship with F, sounds the exact same of the girl in that song. I would get mad if he didn’t want to do something, because he’d rather sit at home or do something else. I would over react and become so sensitive to it. I would think he has had enough of me, that he doesn’t want to be seen with me in public, but like the song says, he simply was thinking: ¬†‘Why can’t she see, She’s lovely to me? But I like to stay in
And watch t.v. on my own every now and then’.

Why couldn’t I see that? Why can I only see it now that that was all he wanted when he rejected my plans. He rarely did, but the times he did, I just got mad and felt hurt. What’s wrong with him wanting to just watch TV on his own for one night? We all want to do that from time to time. Why did I over react?

The next verse makes my heart just hurt. It has been me and F so many times. I didn’t realise I caused him so much pain when I was mad, and silent at him. I also always found it hard to understand where he was coming from, what he meant and I never realised I took it all the wrong way. I would react at criticism towards me, when he corrected me on a fact that I thought I had right, even when he was just trying to help in a situation. I always thought he was taking everyone else’s side but mine, but looking back he was only trying to help. I found it hard at times to listen to F’s version of things and how he took things, and I would often resist. But in the end, often too late, I would back down and accept what he was saying. But I wish I never let it get to that stage and I would have just listened straight away, understood where he was coming from and let that be that. But like the girl in the song, I caused him pain, I wouldn’t understand what he was saying and I took it all the wrong way.

I feel like the last verse, applies more to F being the girl than me. The multiple times that we have sat it out and spoken about it, I thought we always reached a level of agreement and could just brush that situation under the carpet and carry on as we were. And I thought F felt that way too, but after Monday I have learnt he never did. Although after we had ‘agreed’ and got on with being the lovey dovey couple we were, he wasn’t actually over it, despite him saying he loved me, or showing me love and happiness. He never really got over each time and let it trump any good that came after it. And Saturday is the very example for this. Saturday, we had an argument, wasn’t a big one, nor an explosive one, but a disagreement where I got upset. We spoke it out and I thought we were okay, got over it, and we carried on with our evening and had a lovely time out that evening. The Sunday we woke up, made love (sorry tmi! and I can’t bring myself to say sex on here haha), spoke about booking a holiday etc. However, the reason he finally ended it all, was because of Saturday night. Although he acted as if everything was fine, and that he was over it and we were in agreement, he actually wasn’t. He over thought it. He looked too much into it. And It affected him and ended in him ending it with me. And that’s why Monday was such a shock because I generally thought we were good and in love and the last couple of weeks had been great! They were great, but he didn’t think so and hid it from me. He thought I didn’t care. He think I am unaware, which I am, so that’s true, because I don’t realise the things I said could hurt him so much. In my head they didn’t seem that bad, and I more often than not, didn’t mean them and said it in the heat of the moment, but unfortunately these things stuck with him far more than the good I did do and the love and care that I did show him.

Here’s the song for those of you that aren’t familiar, and also for those who already know it but love a bit of Madness, Enjoy!

 

Not Quite Made Girl

x

Hot ‘N’ Cold¬†

In the words of Katy Perry:

You’re hot then you’re cold,
You’re yes then you’re no,
You’re in then you’re out,
You’re up then you’re down.¬†

Yes, Katy, you said it best. You’re been preaching it right for the past 9 years. It seems you have a good way with words.

So, what is Katy Perry doing in my blog? Well I was sat in bed with F the other day, I say sat, I mean half dozing, when suddenly this song came to mind. I know, out of all the songs out there and the tunes I listen to, I get a throw back to my early teen years.¬† Continue reading “Hot ‘N’ Cold¬†“

Dear F,

Well here I am writing you another letter. I suppose I find it easier to express myself to tell you just what is on my mind and the hypothetical worries that I have.

This weekend was my first weekend without in a while. I didn’t expect to find it as hard as I have. It didn’t help that this week I haven’t exactly been in a great place mentally. But spending the whole weekend without seeing you or touching you was hard. There were so many times that I found myself yearning for you and a ‘your’ hugs. Your comfort. Your security. I dreaded a whole weekend in with my parents. It was as I expected. Them bickering most of the weekend over menial stuff and many awkward silences. It was nothing compared to the easiness and comfort of our weekends together at yours with your family. I missed them.

All weekend I have had so many thoughts running through my head. I have been really struggling with them. And I have had no one to turn to for confirmation that everything was okay and will continue to be okay. So I thought I would get them all down in a letter. I chose to write it to you because you’re the one who I want to understand what it is that I feel and fear. What keeps me up. What makes me sad. What hurts me. What makes me behave the way I do at times. Continue reading “Dear F,”

How can you say you love me?

I know everyone perceives love differently. Not everyone loves the same. Nor wants to be loved in the same way. But I think there are some aspects of love that is the same between everyone.

When you love someone you would do anything for them. At any time. No ask would be too much. Or so that’s what I thought love was. Maybe it isn’t? Maybe love has become so commercialised now and no one really respects love like they used to. Maybe people jut believe they are in love because it is protocol and not because they actually feel it or believe it.

Everyone tells me I’m lucky. So lucky to have someone like F. So lucky that he has stuck by me. Lucky that he hasn’t run off during all this. Lucky to have his support. That he is a keeper and I should try holding on to him. Yes, he hasn’t ran through all this but does that really mean I am lucky? I don’t know why he hasn’t ran because I know how damn uncomfortable this all makes him feel. He doesn’t understand it. Continue reading “How can you say you love me?”

Three Loves 

I was reading an article recently that boldly stated you fall in love with three people in your lifetime and each person is for a specific reason.

I first read it and I thought it was a load of codswallop but the more I read in detail and the more I thought about it, it actually does ring true.

The first love:  the idealistic love.

They say this first love often takes place when we are in our teenage years. We often enter this relationship believing that it is the fairytale that we all hope for: The idealistic, perfect love that will last forever. We believe this person is our one true love even if there are cracks in the relationship or doesn’t feel quite right. We persist to follow it because it is what we believe love is supposed to be.
It is often the love that looks right but isn’t necessarily right for us. It is the love that we believe society expects of us and how others view us is more important than how we feel.

The second love: the hard love

As the name suggests this is the type of love that gives us tough lessons about who we are and how we want to be loved. It’s the love that causes us the most pain. It is an unhealthy cycle. An unbalanced, manipulative and high drama relationship which contains emotional, mental or even physical abuse. We keep going back to this relationship because we keep thinking that it will be different from the previous time. Yet it isn’t and it doesn’t end differently each time. If anything it ends up worse than before.
We keep going back because we expect it to get better. We stay for the memories of the good times, the highs. We stick with the lows because we believe it is just a stage and it will get better. We become obsessed with making this relationship work that we often ignore the fact of if it should actually work and it is actually what we want.

Continue reading “Three Loves¬†“