Why?

Why? Why do we become so stubborn and so obsessed with what everyone else wants that we forget to do what is best for ourselves?

Why are there rules when it comes to love? To break ups? To how we live? Who decided these rules? Why can’t they be broken and each individual do as they please to best deal with their situation?

Why is heartbreak only one way? Why is it so difficult for one person? Why does one person get to make the decision?

Why do things happen so out of the blue? Why don’t people fight for what they want anymore? Why do people so easily give up? Why does love not conquer all?

Why do people say things to make you feel better but don’t mean it? Why is no one helping fight your corner? Why does no one help? Why is it so easy for everyone to sweep it under the rug? Why does no one show emotions any more? Continue reading “Why?”

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Dear F, (5)

This weekend I have gone through the emotions over you and I’ve come to a lot of hard hitting truths as well. I think I loved you too much. I idolised you. I worshipped you. You couldn’t do a single thing wrong in my eyes. I could never see another side to you. I thought you were perfect. But you weren’t, were you? You weren’t all that? You weren’t everything I thought or made you out to be.

I’ve been so quick to blame myself. That I’m the one that needs to change. I’m the one who has caused all this. I’m the one who is at fault. But it isn’t just me. It takes two to tango as they say. Yes, i have things to work on but this isn’t solely my fault. Thanks to my aunt and my friends for helping me to highlight this.

You were just never on my side. You didn’t support me. You didn’t help me. You didn’t have my best interests at heart. You didn’t put me first. Ever. I came second to everyone. And I accepted that. But I shouldn’t have. That’s not how relationships work. I always put you first. Always supported you. Always tried to make you feel better. Yet, when it came to me, you always believed it was self inflicted. Every time i complained of a bad tummy, despite having IBS, you just always put it down to stress or worry, even though I’d sit there and tell you that I was happy, without stress, you just wouldn’t let me feel unwell. Continue reading “Dear F, (5)”

Dear F,

Well here I am writing you another letter. I suppose I find it easier to express myself to tell you just what is on my mind and the hypothetical worries that I have.

This weekend was my first weekend without in a while. I didn’t expect to find it as hard as I have. It didn’t help that this week I haven’t exactly been in a great place mentally. But spending the whole weekend without seeing you or touching you was hard. There were so many times that I found myself yearning for you and a ‘your’ hugs. Your comfort. Your security. I dreaded a whole weekend in with my parents. It was as I expected. Them bickering most of the weekend over menial stuff and many awkward silences. It was nothing compared to the easiness and comfort of our weekends together at yours with your family. I missed them.

All weekend I have had so many thoughts running through my head. I have been really struggling with them. And I have had no one to turn to for confirmation that everything was okay and will continue to be okay. So I thought I would get them all down in a letter. I chose to write it to you because you’re the one who I want to understand what it is that I feel and fear. What keeps me up. What makes me sad. What hurts me. What makes me behave the way I do at times. Continue reading “Dear F,”

Keep Calm!

Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain calm. I don’t want to alert anyone or set off any panic stations, but today, no, scrap that, this weekend was the first time in a long, long, time that I have felt happy.

Yes, I know, I almost fainted at the news too! And no, you didn’t read that wrong either, you read the word happy 😀. In all honesty I forgot what it was like to genuinely smile, have sore abs from laughing so much and a clicking jaw from where I’m smiling so much. But boys and girls, that was me all weekend. I experienced this happiness again. And what a welcome back it was.

There was just something about this weekend that was picture perfect. I felt I could let go of my anxiety, worries and depression for just a bit. I could block it out. Remember what it was like to be me, the happy, colourful girl again. Me and F seemed like us again. We were laughing with each other. Real laughter, real smiles, real happiness. We had jokes, silly moments and loving moments. I really felt F was in love with me again and could see that I was this happy girl and that this depression and anxiety wasn’t going to win. We even went shopping together. Now I know what you’re thinking, it’s only shopping but to me it wasn’t. I’m not a fan of going shopping. Food shopping yes, clothes and other bits and bobs shopping not so much. But F needed to get my Valentine’s Day present and I Just didn’t want to be left on my own at home so he let me join him (What a sweetie! 😘). We did go our separate ways for a bit but then we met up and walked around a couple of shops together. We tried clothes on in one shop. It was so naturally grown up and I actually enjoyed shopping with him.

Continue reading “Keep Calm!”

The One, The Only, F.

I would love to introduce you all to the number one man (scrap that, the number one person) in my life. My Boyfriend and best friend, F.
We met the modern way, through a dating app called Tinder. Yes, I resorted to finding love on a dating app, an app with a flame as their logo! I was desperate to be loved and well, like they say, desperate times call for desperate measures.

It all began one day in April, a sunny day I’m sure, like all romantic fairy tales start. I must’ve swiped right on him and it came up as a match straight away, so he clearly liked the looks of me and gave a swipe to the right too 😉 Being very old fashioned, despite using modern dating methods, I always believed the boy should message first.
I was bad on Tinder, I barely swiped right on anyone, not because I didn’t like the look of them just because I thought I couldn’t envisage anything with them despite how ‘perfect‘ they looked.
F, an older gentleman by four years, had a picture of him stood in front of a London landscape and another with him in the distance with a pint in front of him. I’m not going to lie, yes the pictures were good, but also the fact that he was older than me was one of the deals for me swiping right. I’ve always had this delusional idea that I wanted to date an older man because he would be more mature and more ‘manly‘. Haha, what a misapprehensive thought, no matter the age, I don’t think a man ever truly grows up, and in some ways that’s a good thing, it helps to keep you young and grounded as a woman too.
I’d only ever dated guys my age, maybe a year older but they all failed. They were toxic. They weren’t what relationships should be. I got cheated on, led on and heartbroken. There were maybe one or two times I thought I could have been in love but looking back, and since being with F, it wasn’t love that I felt with the others, I think it was infatuation, obsession with wanting a relationship, wanting someone to want me, to love me, to need me. I never got those things, I was easy to discard, to boss around, easy to forget.
The reason I turned to Tinder was because these past relationships, I had met in bars and nightclubs and I was fed up of doing things that way. Also, it didn’t help that around the time I turned to Tinder, I had become such a recluse, with few friends and little plans. Even when I did have plans to go out, my anxiety would get the better of me and I would cancel plans last minute, which soon became an annoyance to my friends who stopped trying.

So yes, I turned to Tinder (I keep getting side tracked, every flaming blog goes on a tangent!). It was a way of me not leaving the house yet hopefully building a connection with someone online who then eventually I would have the confidence and trust to meet.

In all honesty I didn’t expect to hear from F and I forgot about him. A few days later I woke up to a new message on Tinder and it was from, go on guess who, no, not Ed Sheeran or Joel Dommett, but F, yes my F! (Ah damn I’ve now given away the ending. Just pretend you have no idea who F is, humour me!)

So we got chatting, the odd message here and there, him attempting to impress me by saying a word in French because he read in my about me that I studied French at university, me eagerly relying with questions about him. This went back and forth a while before we eventually met up. I felt myself gaining confidence just by speaking to him. I was coming out of my shell that I had hibernated under for so long.

He went on holiday to America a couple of weeks after we’d been speaking. I expected our conversation to die out and that be the end of that. To my surprise I did still receive the odd message here and there and he still seemed keen. *jump for joy* he even sent me a picture of him at Times Square!

Continue reading “The One, The Only, F.”

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Helen's Journey

👣 Follow my footsteps as I discover a more natural route in life for MIND, BODY, SOUL and spirit!👣 A Wellness and Positivity Blog ✍️ Typing away as I battle chronic illness, all while still wearing my crown 👑

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