MIA

It has been a while since I last wrote on here and I do apologise for my absence, not that my writing is of any interest.

I’ve had a lot happen in the past couple of weeks and I’ve not known quite how to handle it all. I’ve been very high then very low. There hasn’t been a balance and it is throwing me off.

Therapy:

So I’ve had two face to face session and got my third on Monday. My first session was not at all to my liking. I found it very difficult to agree with what was being said and the techniques that I was being taught. I did do a blog post on my first session. I did take on board the advice and kept a worry diary between the two weeks of my appointments.

I understood how the diary could help. How me deciphering if my worries were hypothetical or practical would help me control some of the extent of my worrying. I understood and so wanted this method to work. I gave it a go. My best shot. I kept it for the first week roughly. I wrote down my general worries throughout the day. I knew what these were so they weren’t a surprise. I knew majority of them were hypothetical and there was nothing I could do but it didn’t help me or the worrying. I just had them written down instead of in my head.

My second face to face session. I broke down. I had had a bad couple of weeks between appointments. My tablets were changed and before that I just felt generally low. I told my therapist about the past weeks. What had been bothering me. What I had felt. What had happened. All I was told was that my next appointment would be in a week and I’d be taught techniques to deal with the lows. And apart from a quick run over of my worry diary and some brief explanation of a new worry technique of only allowing myself to worry for half an hour at about 7pm that was the end of the session. 

Third session was even more rushed and unhelpful. It was barely 20 minutes before we said our goodbyes and I was out the door. No techniques to deal with the lows. Not a lot was said except the next session might be my last. 

Medication: 

I was taken off my Prozac and put on a different tablet because the Prozac was not doing anything. This new tablet, I’m really not a fan. I don’t feel comfortable on it at all. I’m worried it is slowing my reactions down. That it’s making me gain weight. That it’s making me very high then very low. I hate it. I’ve stopped taking it because I’m convinced it is more harmful than good. Probably shouldn’t just stop all medication so abruptly but at the end of the day if I’m not comfortable with it then I’m going to stop. I felt it was really messing with me. I felt spaced out at times. Felt weird. I haven’t taken it since. 

I’m struggling. Really struggling. I’m so low. But I don’t want to restart taking the stronger tablets again. I can’t get an appointment for a month and even then it’s not with my normal doctor. I can’t get an evening appointment either so I’d either have to have half a day at work and take the morning as holiday or just forget it and hope I sort myself out. 
Job

Well for once I’ve got quite a bit to write about on this section. I’ve finally had a bit of luck. I’ve finally been given a chance.

A couple of months ago my auntie sent me a text telling me that her best friend’s son told her to get me to send him my CV so he could pass it on where he worked to see if anything was going.

I was in a very low place when I got this text and completely blanked it and ignored all existence of it. Then about a month or so ago me and F were out with my Auntie having drinks to celebrate her birthday and she mentioned the text. I tried to change the subject but F was already hooked on the conversation. He was adamant after hearing about the company that it would be a great opportunity for me. So long story short he kept asking and asking me if I had sent my CV off.

Long story short, after three interviews, I was offered the job. At first I was kind of excited then I didn’t really know what to think, then I was excited again and then I got anxious. Sickly anxious. Which didn’t go too well with my already low mood. 

All through the process I’ve been very up and down about the situation. A bit excited. Anxious. Worried. Panicked. Happy. Sad. I felt all emotions through it all. 

I had my first day this week and by the evening I was snuggled in bed in tears. There was nothing particularly wrong with my first day and the people are lovely but I just don’t feel mentally or physically ready for this all. But maybe once I get into the routine of it all I will start to feel better. Once I’m fully emerged in my role maybe I’ll feel more human again. 

Boyfriend

Well the next topic was going to be about how me and F were getting on but I already covered that in my previous post:

Im just generally exhausted with everything at the moment. I don’t know how I’m feeling from one minute to the next. I don’t know if I’m ready for life and everything it involves. I’ve got no choice but to be but I just sometimes wish I could curl up and maybe not exist for a while. 

Not Quite Made Girl 

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Excuse me, is this my brain?

I’m not sure where my brain has gone but wherever it has disappeared to, it can fully well stay there. I’m far better off with this hybrid brain that has taken over the past couple of days. Bye 404 Error brain, hello undeniably propitious one! 

I don’t know if I’m just experiencing a very high high or psychologically I have convinced myself that not relying on my anti depressants as often is more beneficial than taking them. I’ll let you know when this positivity ends and a low arrives. If it does. 

Today I had a job interview. Yes, me. I know, I couldn’t quite believe that after all these months of applying to endless jobs in the city, a company finally liked the look of me. Well actually I didn’t apply for the role. I’d like to say I got headhunted for it but that would be a lie too. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on who you know, these days it is definitely who you know more than what you know. And old family friend’s son got talking to my auntie and became aware that I was looking for a job in marketing. So him being the sweetie he is told my auntie to get me to send my CV to him and he’d pass it on if there was any jobs going. 

A day or so later after sending him my CV I got an email about a role with that company. I had my phone interview last Wednesday and was asked for a second interview face to face for today. I did have to think about it and let her know as it was a role I hadn’t really considered or heard of. Although it is still in the marketing field. I had a think. Spoke to my Dad and F and was reassured by both that it was a good opportunity and I was well suited to the role. 

So I accepted the second interview. Fast forward and we’ve arrived at today. The golden day or should I say the green day as it is St. Paddy’s day after all! šŸ˜‰ I woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed (hahahaha yeah right, puh-lease!), makeup done, teeth shiny white, smart dress on, cars swapped over and me and F were off to London together. (I’ll go into things with F in a bit, but right now job interview trumps all.) We kissed and departed ways with many a good luck wish from F and I was on my own to tackle the underground. This is always a challenge for me as it sets my anxiety and panic attacks off. However, this morning I did it. No panic attack and less anxiety than usual. Yes, go me! I don’t know if it because I was on such a euphoria from having an opportunity  at an actual job in the city or because I had had a good night with F and it was exciting travelling in together and quite grown up. I don’t know but I’m not complaining. 

The office was amazing. I could see myself sat at one of the desks. Fitting in with the team. My interviewers were so cool. Relaxed and down to earth. They seemed like possible friends more than the scary, daunting and intimidating portrayal you think of when you are faced with an interview. The hour flew by and I was soon sat in Pret with a smoothie updating F and then my parents about the interview. 

I’m trying to be positive about this and see it in a better light. I’m taking on w2bag Sarah told me. That when a situation arises. Stop before you act. Think about it. Is it really a worry and a negative or is there a positive outlook. So that’s what I did. As much as the negatives have burdened me the past few days leading up to the interview I have put on my positive thinking pants (helps that F is so ententhusiastic and encouraging about me taking this opportunity) and thought I’d make a list of the positives. Here goes: 

  • A job in the city 
  • Chance to feel like a grown up in a proper job 
  • Get a decent wage and maybe think about moving out of the parents 
  • The prospect of making new friends and having people to go for a drink with after work or during lunch
  • That the days I do stay with F we can travel up together 
  • Me and F can sometimes meet up after work and go for drinks or food 
  • I can get into a routine and hopefully get some balance in my life and moods 

So as much as the negatives thoughts still keep washing over me I’m not going to let them dominate  (well not for rhe majority of the time anyway) and I will be positive. I will try and get excited about the possible outcome and opportunity that I could face in a couple of weeks time. 

Until then I’m going to put it to the  back of my mind and revel in the love and affection that F had been showing me. He has shown just how proud of me he is. How much he supports me and believes in me. It’s really showing how much I mean to him and that maybe he does really love me for who I am. I’m so lucky that over 7 months down the line we’re still so affectionate and in love with each other. We’re still learning about one another but that connection between us is getting stronger and stronger and I really don’t see it breaking. I’ve seen a different side to F this week and I’ve fallen even more in love with him. I didn’t think it possible but each time I see him and speak to him I fall that little bit more and my heart beats that bit faster. Safe to say I’m still very much in love and smitten and nothing could possibly change that. Not even you, anxiety. You can try your best but I’m done letting you make me doubt F and our relationship. You’re not ratiomake and you paralogize continuously. I will get stronger at fighting you and you won’t keep winning. 

Not Quite Made Girl 

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