Well howdy there y’all! Have I got an update for you or what?! I was a bit ant in the pants ish all day yesterday, in anticipation of how my actions and decisions yesterday would affect how this progress update blog would go. It was going to be either all doom and gloom (I know, I know, I have had enough of the misery and the sadness too!) or everything is coming up roses kind of blog. And guess what it is… (drum roll please…) COMING UP ROSES! 🌹🌹🌹
Some days you just wake up and know it is going to be a weird day, and today that was one of those for me.
I got very little sleep the previous night. I wasn’t worrying about anything or too hot or uncomfortable, I just couldn’t drop off.
This morning came far too soon and my alarm was bleeping at me to get up before I knew it.
Today was the day of my hospital visit. For those that read my blog often, you will know that in my first progress update, I mentioned that I booked a Doctor’s appointment for three week times (that was the soonest I could get one) because I finally came to the realisation that I wasn’t alright. I struggled with my self image and with food. Doc was great and listened away to me far longer than he needed to and he understood. The most important thing for him to do first was to ensure that my eating disorders hadn’t damaged me physically and then his next priority is to deal with me mentally and see what help I can get for that. He has referred me to Talking Therapies again, so I will try that path once more now I know what I need to sort out.
This weekend I have gone through the emotions over you and I’ve come to a lot of hard hitting truths as well. I think I loved you too much. I idolised you. I worshipped you. You couldn’t do a single thing wrong in my eyes. I could never see another side to you. I thought you were perfect. But you weren’t, were you? You weren’t all that? You weren’t everything I thought or made you out to be.
I’ve been so quick to blame myself. That I’m the one that needs to change. I’m the one who has caused all this. I’m the one who is at fault. But it isn’t just me. It takes two to tango as they say. Yes, i have things to work on but this isn’t solely my fault. Thanks to my aunt and my friends for helping me to highlight this.
You were just never on my side. You didn’t support me. You didn’t help me. You didn’t have my best interests at heart. You didn’t put me first. Ever. I came second to everyone. And I accepted that. But I shouldn’t have. That’s not how relationships work. I always put you first. Always supported you. Always tried to make you feel better. Yet, when it came to me, you always believed it was self inflicted. Every time i complained of a bad tummy, despite having IBS, you just always put it down to stress or worry, even though I’d sit there and tell you that I was happy, without stress, you just wouldn’t let me feel unwell. Continue reading “Dear F, (5)”
It’s been a while. I do apologise. Life has been happening as of late. And in a good way. Hallelujah!
In the words of the band Paramore:
Things are looking up
I thought I’d never see the day
They really are looking up and for the first time in a long time, I feel generally content with my life and everything that I have. It has taken me a while to reach this point of realisation but I am so glad I finally have.
So many aspects of my life are going right. Things have fallen into place on the job front and with regards to my relationship with F, I feel we are both finally on the same page of understanding and happier and stronger than we’ve ever been. I don’t want to brag or rub it in everyone’s face, because that’s not the point of this blog. The reason I want to talk about the highs and happiness that I am experiencing at the moment is because I want to show that no matter how low you get or how much of a dark, lonely place you find yourself in, there is always light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can’t see it at that point of time.
Only a few weeks ago, was I at my lowest, not wanting to continue with life anymore. Believing that me and F were doomed for. That I would never get a job. That I would be stuck at home forever. That I would have to sit at home and look at the same four walls all day, day in, day out. I felt so distant from my friends, my family and F. Continue reading “Eureka! 💡”
In the words of Katy Perry:
You’re hot then you’re cold,
You’re yes then you’re no,
You’re in then you’re out,
You’re up then you’re down.
Yes, Katy, you said it best. You’re been preaching it right for the past 9 years. It seems you have a good way with words.
So, what is Katy Perry doing in my blog? Well I was sat in bed with F the other day, I say sat, I mean half dozing, when suddenly this song came to mind. I know, out of all the songs out there and the tunes I listen to, I get a throw back to my early teen years. Continue reading “Hot ‘N’ Cold “
Well here I am writing you another letter. I suppose I find it easier to express myself to tell you just what is on my mind and the hypothetical worries that I have.
This weekend was my first weekend without in a while. I didn’t expect to find it as hard as I have. It didn’t help that this week I haven’t exactly been in a great place mentally. But spending the whole weekend without seeing you or touching you was hard. There were so many times that I found myself yearning for you and a ‘your’ hugs. Your comfort. Your security. I dreaded a whole weekend in with my parents. It was as I expected. Them bickering most of the weekend over menial stuff and many awkward silences. It was nothing compared to the easiness and comfort of our weekends together at yours with your family. I missed them.
All weekend I have had so many thoughts running through my head. I have been really struggling with them. And I have had no one to turn to for confirmation that everything was okay and will continue to be okay. So I thought I would get them all down in a letter. I chose to write it to you because you’re the one who I want to understand what it is that I feel and fear. What keeps me up. What makes me sad. What hurts me. What makes me behave the way I do at times. Continue reading “Dear F,”
For those that live in the city or often travel on trains the title of this blog will sound all too familiar. That voice that comes over the speakers as you approach the final stop and says: This is where this train terminates, all change please.
Now this post has nothing to do with trains but it does have something to do with change. Although I am not a train nor am I the end station, I feel like with so much change going on around I am constantly having to change trains to try and keep up and reach my destination whilst keeping up with those around me. Bit of a weird comparison. But like train journeys, life is full of twists and turns and sometimes we have to get off before we reach the end of our journey yet others around us have reached theirs. (I’m mad I know, hence the name but it makes so much sense in my head!)
This post is expanding more on my post titled Wait for me! I feel more than ever that everything around me is just changing in a flash. I thought I was an individual who dealt well with change but I think as my anxiety has got worse over the years, I now dread any sort of change no matter how small it is. I will think that only the worse possibility will come out of the change.
My anxiety has been dominating this week. Which in turn has heightened my depression. I am constantly panicking about things. Imagining things which aren’t actually happening. My sleeping tablets can’t even help me get to sleep. I still toss and turn until the early hours and then waking up gasping for breath at every hour.
The reason for this? I feel inferior to everyone else. This past month a lot of change has happened around me and it seems to be too much change at once. None of it was expected and has often come to me as a surprise.
I don’t think it is so much the actions of those around me that is setting my anxiety off but more the idea that it isn’t me celebrating good news. It isn’t me moving along the path of life. It isn’t me who has something new to experience. The newest thing I get to experience is my first therapy session this week, and compared to moving in with a partner or buying your own property, getting a promotion or going on fancy hotel trips or even getting married this isn’t exactly the same kind of excitement.
Ever get the feeling that everyone else around you is in drive mode and speeding in the fast lane yet you’re still stuck in park or maybe even reverse? Yeah, me too!
When I was younger I had a plan. I think most people do have a plan on how they want their life to turn out. I had the idea that I would be moved out, living on my own straight out of University, working in a job in the city and in a steady, long term relationship by the time I reached this ripe old age of early 20’s. But life doesn’t go to plan. It always has to throw a curve ball in here or there to shake things up a bit, especially if we feel we’re on our way to achieving our goals.
Where am I currently? I am most certainly not on track, no where near. I still live at home, I don’t have a big fancy job in the city, and I have anxiety and depression. I know, I know it could be worse, I know that, but for me, I have always been quite a goal driven achiever and right now I feel like a failure. I feel like I am failing at this thing we call life. There isn’t a right or a wrong way to live life or get through it but we all have our ideals and I am not achieving that. At times I feel like my life is going backwards instead of forwards and it’s so infuriating.
It’s even harder when those around you are moving so fast and achieving so much. Of course I am happy for them, how could I not be?! But each time I hear their good news it is a hard hitting reminder that I’m not where I want to be. Not even close.