Today is our anniversary. We were so close to making it. A week off. Instead of being out just toasting a drink to us, being relaxed and happy, I am sat here, regretting my actions so, so much.
A week ago today, I sat there and heard you end it. I couldn’t understand it. Or believe it. I didn’t know where it had come from. I wasn’t expecting it. Only the night before you sat there and said ‘Goodnight, love you’. Even that day you messaged me saying ‘Hey baby’. You put x’s at the end. I didn’t guess anything was up until you said ‘Can I see you tonight? I feel really down 😦 x’. As soon as I read that, you know what my mind jumps to and I immediately thought you were breaking up with me. There was no rhyme or reason as to why I thought this. But it was so out of the blue and you’ve done that before. Why couldn’t you just talk to me. Why couldn’t you have spoken to me on Saturday at the time? Why did you give me such false hope on the Sunday? You woke me up with sex, we had a shower together and you even stressed we needed to look into booking a holiday. What changes in 24 hours? Were your thoughts really that harrowing? Why couldn’t you just speak to me?
Every time we had a dispute you would act okay after. You gave me the impression that all was fine. Why couldn’t you just sit me down and really tell me the truth? The hard hitting truth would have pushed me to change a hell of a lot quicker. Instead you’ve let it build to this. And that hurts. It hurts because I was under the impression that we were in love with each other and we were in it together.
Continue reading “Dear F, (4)”
I know I shouldn’t be doing this. I know I shouldn’t be contacting you but I can’t resist anymore. There’s so much that needs to be said. There’s too much between us.
I’m Sorry. I’m So sorry. Sorry will never cut it, I know that. I hurt you beyond belief through actions I didn’t realise I was doing. I know you don’t believe I can change. And I am not asking you to believe. Instead I want you to watch the progress I am making and see the change for yourself.
You were right to end our relationship. I was becoming a shadow of myself because I was so lost, so pressured and obsessed with everything else around me and comparing you and me to that. I lost sight of what really mattered, and that was you and me. The love we shared in that moment of time. The fact we were enjoying being young, no commitments but hope for the future. Instead, I pressured myself to think I wanted it all, the moving in, the commitment, but in reality I didn’t. I was just content being yours and spending time with you. Instead, I pressured myself to create all these perfect weekends with you so I could prove we were happy and move in with each sooner rather than later. However, by doing this, if one little thing went wrong, I would panic. I would believe the weekend was ruined and destroy it further, even though in my head, I would be screaming at myself to stop trying to pick things out of you and just drop it, but I couldn’t. I honestly thought that one thing out of the plan was reason enough to sabotage it all.
Continue reading “Dear F, (1)”
Today at work, there was a screening of a new documentary being released and it was about the Muslim culture in America and how Trump’s succession was affecting how others viewed Islam.
I’m not a naive person, I understand that there is so much misunderstanding in the world, but this documentary burned something in me that I haven’t felt before. I felt anger at the ignorance of these people and how they had the audacity to sit there and discriminate these innocent people, simply because they were followers of Islam.
Those who followed Islam in the documentary were American through and through. They had had generations being born in America. Their great grandparents were even born in the States after their parents arrived to evade war in their home country. These people had every right to live however they wanted, wherever they wanted, they were American citizens, it was their home. Their birthplace! They didn’t deserve to be singled out because of their religion.
Continue reading “LOVE”
My first post about the progress that I am making. The changes that I am implementing to make myself a better person.
I have achieved a lot in one day. Well I think I have. I have already felt a difference in myself and how I respond to things. I admit, I still haven’t eaten anything, but I am drinking now so I am getting back in that sense. But in everything else, I feel more positive. I feel lighter and more relaxed.
Before, the little things used to get to me. If I wasn’t in a good mood or feeling down, I would just sit there in silence and not really show any emotion to whatever anyone else around me was saying. But today, even in the circumstances that I am in at the moment, I have smiled, I have responded to people and I have been friendly and approachable, even my Mum has noticed and commented. She seems proud of me and how I am handling this, so that’s a big bonus.
I had absolute no aggression driving. I was calm and aware and didn’t over react at minor things happening on around me. I have been aware of the things that are coming out of my mouth and how I am saying them. Yes, it is a lot of work but it is worth it. I have also stopped to think about situations happening around me and realised there is no need to let them get to me, to not react to them. Even at silly comments around me or if someone says something that used to rile me, I now just breathe and carry on as I was. I acknowledge the comment but don’t react. And that’s huge! I have never done that before, hours later I would still be riling from it But now I just drop it and don’t make a scene.
Continue reading “Progress Update 101”
Well, hi. It has been a while. I am sorry to those who have been worried and to those who I have not replied to but it has been a crazy few months. A lot has changed, and last night my whole world fell apart, as F dumped me.
These last few months I have been so up and down and I have been unbearable at times. I started a new job, my brother got caught up in the London attacks, F got a flat and moved into it and I just generally was learning to battle with my emotions.
I loved my job at first. I really did. It was exciting, it was new. It was everything I thought it would be and more. However, in the last month and a half or so, I have been struggling to fit in and feel comfortable at work. I have such a different mantra to those I work with. We have different beliefs, different views and very different politics. Normally, I am so easy going and am not affected by difference, but in this job it is so prominent and unless you think their way, you are seen as a bit of an oddball, so I have had to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself about certain things, especially when the elections were happening. Work has also slowed down incredibly. Most days I am sat at my laptop, just staring at the screen trying to think of things to do. I have planned most of my best friend’s hen party at work thanks to these slow times, but now that’s almost finished being planned, I have very little else to do.
Continue reading “Update Progress 10-“
In the words of Katy Perry:
You’re hot then you’re cold,
You’re yes then you’re no,
You’re in then you’re out,
You’re up then you’re down.
Yes, Katy, you said it best. You’re been preaching it right for the past 9 years. It seems you have a good way with words.
So, what is Katy Perry doing in my blog? Well I was sat in bed with F the other day, I say sat, I mean half dozing, when suddenly this song came to mind. I know, out of all the songs out there and the tunes I listen to, I get a throw back to my early teen years. Continue reading “Hot ‘N’ Cold “
- The future: Who will be there? Who will I know? Where will I be? Will I have achieved what I hoped to achieve? Will I be happy? Will I be in love?
- Love: Fears of being alone. Fears of being dumped. Understanding what love is. Learning the different kinds of love that people offer. How do I show my love? Do people know I love them? Do others really love me or just put up with me?
- Money: Will I have enough money this month? I want to do this but my money is low. Always ensuring I am never in debt with anyone. Always insisting on paying my way even if I am struggling with money. Have I got enough money to pay for this night out with friends? Will they think me a bore if I decline the invite because of money? Will I ever earn enough to move out? Will I be able to buy my own house one day with the money I earn?
- Those around me: What do they really think? Do they really like me? What are they up to? What goes on in their lives? What don’t I know about them? Do they think I am weird? How much can I trust them? How long with they stay in my life for before they walk away? Is there such thing as true friendship?
- How I’m feeling on the inside: Do I really feel anything? What’s the point in life? What is the goal? Where will I be in 10 years time? Why do I feel the way I do? What am I living for? Am I truly happy? Why am I sad? What is going on in my head? What triggers these lows and highs? Will I ever snap out of this? Will I ever be able to cope with it?
- Privacy: How much should I share with people? Do people really want to know everything because they care or because they are nosy? How much of our lives is private? Do we share too much?
- Food: What’s for dinner? What can I eat? I’m hungry. Food, Food, FOOD!
Day 27: Complete
Not Quite Made Girl
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Well here I am writing you another letter. I suppose I find it easier to express myself to tell you just what is on my mind and the hypothetical worries that I have.
This weekend was my first weekend without in a while. I didn’t expect to find it as hard as I have. It didn’t help that this week I haven’t exactly been in a great place mentally. But spending the whole weekend without seeing you or touching you was hard. There were so many times that I found myself yearning for you and a ‘your’ hugs. Your comfort. Your security. I dreaded a whole weekend in with my parents. It was as I expected. Them bickering most of the weekend over menial stuff and many awkward silences. It was nothing compared to the easiness and comfort of our weekends together at yours with your family. I missed them.
All weekend I have had so many thoughts running through my head. I have been really struggling with them. And I have had no one to turn to for confirmation that everything was okay and will continue to be okay. So I thought I would get them all down in a letter. I chose to write it to you because you’re the one who I want to understand what it is that I feel and fear. What keeps me up. What makes me sad. What hurts me. What makes me behave the way I do at times. Continue reading “Dear F,”
I know everyone perceives love differently. Not everyone loves the same. Nor wants to be loved in the same way. But I think there are some aspects of love that is the same between everyone.
When you love someone you would do anything for them. At any time. No ask would be too much. Or so that’s what I thought love was. Maybe it isn’t? Maybe love has become so commercialised now and no one really respects love like they used to. Maybe people jut believe they are in love because it is protocol and not because they actually feel it or believe it.
Everyone tells me I’m lucky. So lucky to have someone like F. So lucky that he has stuck by me. Lucky that he hasn’t run off during all this. Lucky to have his support. That he is a keeper and I should try holding on to him. Yes, he hasn’t ran through all this but does that really mean I am lucky? I don’t know why he hasn’t ran because I know how damn uncomfortable this all makes him feel. He doesn’t understand it. Continue reading “How can you say you love me?”
I’m not sure where my brain has gone but wherever it has disappeared to, it can fully well stay there. I’m far better off with this hybrid brain that has taken over the past couple of days. Bye 404 Error brain, hello undeniably propitious one!
I don’t know if I’m just experiencing a very high high or psychologically I have convinced myself that not relying on my anti depressants as often is more beneficial than taking them. I’ll let you know when this positivity ends and a low arrives. If it does.
Today I had a job interview. Yes, me. I know, I couldn’t quite believe that after all these months of applying to endless jobs in the city, a company finally liked the look of me. Well actually I didn’t apply for the role. I’d like to say I got headhunted for it but that would be a lie too. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on who you know, these days it is definitely who you know more than what you know. And old family friend’s son got talking to my auntie and became aware that I was looking for a job in marketing. So him being the sweetie he is told my auntie to get me to send my CV to him and he’d pass it on if there was any jobs going. Continue reading “Excuse me, is this my brain?”