Hot ‘N’ Cold 

In the words of Katy Perry:

You’re hot then you’re cold,
You’re yes then you’re no,
You’re in then you’re out,
You’re up then you’re down. 

Yes, Katy, you said it best. You’re been preaching it right for the past 9 years. It seems you have a good way with words.

So, what is Katy Perry doing in my blog? Well I was sat in bed with F the other day, I say sat, I mean half dozing, when suddenly this song came to mind. I know, out of all the songs out there and the tunes I listen to, I get a throw back to my early teen years. 

After singing it in my head multiple times I came to realise it actually resonated with me on a certain level. 

At first I thought it was to do with F. To describe him at times in our relationship. One minute he’s so expressive and loving, the next, a bit nonchalant about us. But the more I thought about it during this past week (I couldn’t stop singing it or get the tune out of my head, Okay?!) I realised that it was speaking more to me. I know, how can a song speak to you? Well it just did. It just perfectly described my emotions especially of those the past year. 

I am very up and down. Very hot and then cold. Very in then out with things.  Especially the past month or so. 

A lot is happening for me personally job wise. I’m finally starting a ‘proper’ job, as everyone calls it, on Monday in the city. I was excited but now I just want to cry and hide. The closer I’m getting to Monday and starting the more scared and sick I’m feeling. I don’t want to go. I don’t feel ready to be out in the big wide world. I don’t feel ready to be in a 9 to 5 routine 5 days of the week. I still can barely bring myself to get out of bed some days. How am I going to cope with working life? The fear of a panic attack is becoming more and more of a reality but I have to hide this from work. I can’t show them this side. I’ll have to learn to put on the persona that I’ve created everyday and ensure that smile and confidence shines.

As well as the job front I’ve come to a very personal and harsh reality. I’m no good for F. I have never been good for him and I never will be  I’m too up and down, and too hot and cold for him. He tries his best but why should he have to? He can’t continuously worry about me and keep asking me how I am. It’s not fair on him. 

I have also realised that I’m far, far, far too dependent on F. I was getting in too over my head with him and our relationship. I

*interlude music*
Automated voice: Hold the line please


Sorry about the interruption. The day that I wrote this post, well started to write it, was the day that it all finally got too much for me. I had another mini breakdown (woo, go me! That’s two breakdowns in the space of a couple of months, therapy is going well as I am sure you can all tell!) and it was quite possibly the worst time to have a breakdown, especially around F.
We had had a lovely weekend with his friends up in the Midlands. Well I say we did, but all weekend and week I had been feeling.. odd, I suppose is the best way to describe it. As I was saying before it all erupted in this post, was that I had realised I was getting far too involved with F. I wishing for too much with him. Wanting too much from him. Wanting and envisaging too much that future that I hope for. I wanted it sooner rather than later and I just have the gut feeling that F is very much not in the same place as me.

After Sunday night at F’s, the next morning I felt different. It was like I had an epiphany, a realisation at how I was feeling. It was like I was seeing me from the outside. It was a reality check. A much needed one. I really distanced myself from F all last week. I barely texted him. Didn’t check my phone to see if he had messaged. Didn’t hope to meet or even organise to see him. It was odd. But I managed it.

What I’ve realised now is that I was actually sabotaging our relationship. I was trying to make myself fall out of love with F. I was trying to force him to end our relationship. Why, I hear you screaming?! Well, quite simply put, I know it will come to an end sooner or later, so why let myself envisage a future. Why did I think I deserved a chance to be happy? Why should I have a partner that I can see spending my life with? Why do I deserve to be happy with this one person? The short answer is no, I believed I didn’t deserve to be happy, to have a long term relationship, to have that one person I can turn to. I thought, like most, he would walk away after leaving such heavy footprints in my life. I didn’t want to face losing him down the line. I don’t think I would cope. So I decided to sabotage our relationship and distance myself.

This failed. Of course it failed! But it all had to come pouring out on our car journey home when we were stuck in a confined metal tin that is a car in boiling heat for almost three hours! It all started over something silly: me leaving my ring at his friend’s house. I won’t go into it but long story short, we fell out and got stroppy with one another. I got so claustrophobic and panicked in the car that I insisted he pulled over at the nearest service station. And queue the breakdown haha! Outside a McDonald’s in front of a good few people I just broke. I cried. F was having none of what I was saying to him. We were still arguing about me leaving the bloody ring at his friend’s and us having to drive 2 minutes back to get it! For me there was so much to it. I half wanted to end it with F. I had felt I wanted to end it half the weekend. Not because I didn’t love him anymore but because I didn’t want to continue letting myself get in deeper with him when we might not both have the same hopes for the future. I kept my distance each night in bed, I wouldn’t allow my skin to even touch his. It was ridiculous, but for some reason it made sense in my head.

After much, backwards and forwards, F finally wiped the tears from my cheek and listened. I told him majority of everything that I was worried about. What I had been doing all week. How I was sabotaging us. How I was trying to convince myself I didn’t love him anymore. How I wanted to end it all now with him instead of him ending it down the line. I got a lot off my chest. We spoke about my depression and anxiety, all whilst we were sat in McDonald’s car park in the car! I told him just how low I get. How it feels for me. How this is a long term thing. It is something that will stay with me for life. I will have episodes but I will hopefully learn to handle them better. He seemed to understand. He couldn’t understand how I thought we were going to break up down the line. He finally heard a lot of what has been on my mind and what I want him to know.

There are still a few topics which are out of bounds to talk to him about. And maybe one day I will finally disclose them. Maybe one day he will be that bit more open with me. Be that bit more understanding and not jump to criticism of himself or of me as quick. He will hopefully realise that he does make me happy even if he believes that I am suggesting he does things wrong. He’s a good egg and I love him. There’s so much I want to share with him, and I will in due course. I hope this was just the start of many truths and honesty being spoken. But maybe with less scorching, claustrophobic and public setting next time, please?

Not Quite Made Girl

x

P.S. sorry Katy Perry, this post kind of went on a tangent from your song, but the idea is still there and well, I’m still a lover of this song so I’ll continue singing to it! 

 

 

Day 27: Seven things you think about a lot

  1. The future: Who will be there? Who will I know? Where will I be? Will I have achieved what I hoped to achieve? Will I be happy? Will I be in love?
  2. Love: Fears of being alone. Fears of being dumped. Understanding what love is. Learning the different kinds of love that people offer. How do I show my love? Do people know I love them? Do others really love me or just put up with me?
  3. Money: Will I have enough money this month? I want to do this but my money is low. Always ensuring I am never in debt with anyone. Always insisting on paying my way even if I am struggling with money. Have I got enough money to pay for this night out with friends? Will they think me a bore if I decline the invite because of money? Will I ever earn enough to move out? Will I be able to buy my own house one day with the money I earn?
  4. Those around me: What do they really think? Do they really like me? What are they up to? What goes on in their lives? What don’t I know about them? Do they think I am weird? How much can I trust them? How long with they stay in my life for before they walk away? Is there such thing as true friendship?
  5. How I’m feeling on the inside: Do I really feel anything? What’s the point in life? What is the goal? Where will I be in 10 years time? Why do I feel the way I do? What am I living for? Am I truly happy? Why am I sad? What is going on in my head? What triggers these lows and highs? Will I ever snap out of this? Will I ever be able to cope with it?
  6. Privacy: How much should I share with people? Do people really want to know everything because they care or because they are nosy? How much of our lives is private? Do we share too much?
  7. Food: What’s for dinner? What can I eat? I’m hungry. Food, Food, FOOD!

Day 27: Complete ✔️

Not Quite Made Girl
x

If you want to join in go check out Thebitsandbobsinmybrain blog. The more the merrier!

untitled-drawing-1

Dear F,

Well here I am writing you another letter. I suppose I find it easier to express myself to tell you just what is on my mind and the hypothetical worries that I have.

This weekend was my first weekend without in a while. I didn’t expect to find it as hard as I have. It didn’t help that this week I haven’t exactly been in a great place mentally. But spending the whole weekend without seeing you or touching you was hard. There were so many times that I found myself yearning for you and a ‘your’ hugs. Your comfort. Your security. I dreaded a whole weekend in with my parents. It was as I expected. Them bickering most of the weekend over menial stuff and many awkward silences. It was nothing compared to the easiness and comfort of our weekends together at yours with your family. I missed them.

All weekend I have had so many thoughts running through my head. I have been really struggling with them. And I have had no one to turn to for confirmation that everything was okay and will continue to be okay. So I thought I would get them all down in a letter. I chose to write it to you because you’re the one who I want to understand what it is that I feel and fear. What keeps me up. What makes me sad. What hurts me. What makes me behave the way I do at times.

I know it is annoying me always doubting and questioning everything all the time. I wish I didn’t keep doing that. Maybe if I talk more openly to you and try to explain just what is worrying me then perhaps I will stop questioning us all the time.

I don’t need to state it because it is so obvious, but I love you. I love you so much. I love you more than anything in life. I know at times I have a funny way of showing it but I really do love you and value you for who you are. I know I can talk to you. I can turn to you. You will listen. But I do worry if I even say one thing that you don’t like the sound of you will get all defensive and not try to understand. You will take what I say as criticism. But it isn’t. You will take it as me not being happy with you. Me picking at you. Me thinking that you don’t do enough. That you aren’t perfect. That isn’t what I mean at all by whatever I say. I tell you so often how happy you make me, how much you mean to me, how much I love all the little things you do. I simply am telling you how I feel at times and what worries me. It isn’t a reflection on you. It is me. It’s my anxiety and depression getting the better of me and I’m sorry you take that as me criticising you. That’s the last thing I want to do. I only ever want to show you how much you mean to me and how much I appreciate you and everything you do. You really are an amazing person. Words don’t do any justice. You are a patient person and I do push you at times to your limit. I apologise greatly for that. I don’t want to annoy you or push your patience but I just work myself up over little things and I just can’t hide that from you. You’re too good at reading me and I feel so at ease around you I just can’t hide my worries or upsets that I experience. I trust you with seeing that side of me and you handle it so well especially when I’m annoying you by commenting on my weight, how I feel inferior to those around me and how I find it so hard to believe that you do love me and think me beautiful despite my many, many flaws.

I’m just scared. So scared of losing you. I have never feared losing something so much in my life. I never expected to have such a connection and love with someone. I never thought I’d be so lucky to find it with someone like you in this lifetime. I really am lucky and I don’t want to lose this.

You’re the full package and men like you are rare to find. I find it so hard to believe you picked me. You want me. You love me. Not because I doubt you but because here I am, this hot mess who is so up and down. Why would you love that? There’s a sea of girls who I am sure are “normal” and would jump at the chance to have you. That’s the only reason I get silly and question your love for me because I am so difficult at times. I’m a bit of a roller coaster ride in life. I worry because I am difficult and a lot to handle. I’m not drop dead gorgeous or a Victoria Secret Model. I have my lows and worries that do take over and make me question if you do still want me or just too scared to walk away. I know you reassure me continuously and I trust and believe your words. I don’t know what triggers me getting so scared and anxious about you not wanting me when all you do when we’re together is show me love.Your reassuring forehead kisses, the familiarity and comfort of your hand in mine, the security and safety in your hugs and cuddles, the passion and care and the love of just being held in your arms as we sleep. I know you love me and show me often.
I never doubt your love for me because of anything you do, I simply doubt it because of how I am at times. Please know I never doubt these actions towards me or their genuinity.

We’ve known each other for practically a year and seeing each other almost as long. And it has been the happiest year of my life. For me is it the longest relationship I have had. I have become dependant on you at times, and consider you the biggest and most valuable part of my life. I haven’t felt that way in other relationships. I normally get doubts and realise I don’t want a future with them in the first couple of months. But with you, you have made me realise just what I want from life and that I want to keep you there by my side. I want to invest my all in our love.
Because I have had such bad relationships in the past, I have so many worries when it comes to ours. I’m worried what the future will bring. I don’t know what the protocol is when it comes to relationships because everyone is different. I’m worried I’ll F*ck it up, by pushing you away, pushing you to turn to someone else, to make you fall out of love with me because of who I am.

We all have this idea of love. More often than not we get this idea from films and those around us how relationships should be. I often compare our relationship to those closest to me, more than I should. I don’t know why I do this. Their relationships aren’t perfect and I wouldn’t exchange a single thing of ours for anything they’ve got. Our love to me, is picture perfect. I always say how lucky I am. This is my fairy tale romance; mine and yours. Not theirs. And I’m so happy and in love with it.
I may get jealous in a sense that they get little surprises from their other half, going on trips continuously or living together from quite early on, but you have taught me that love isn’t about any of those things. It isn’t about having the need to show it off to the world. It is simply being able to spend time with that one person, even doing nothing but watching a film together at home and enjoying each other’s company. It is sitting in silence but no awkwardness, just ease. It’s receiving a hug from you when I am having a bad day. These are things that I want and I am so lucky to experience them with you. I’d rather that than anything else those around me have. It’s taken a while for me to come to the realisation of what love is but I’m so glad you’ve taught me just what it is.
I know I get upset with you at times because you haven’t been able to read my mind and know what I’m thinking or want. I know you think you’re always being helpful and doing your best. You do, you really do. I just get stupidly sensitive over such petty things. I panic that if you don’t want to see me one night that you no longer love me or want to be with me. Not simply because you just want a night to yourself to relax and have your own time, which is human and completely understandable. I get so irrational about it, and I am sorry. I think you do so much with me and you do it because you want to and you deserve time to yourself and it doesn’t mean you love me any less.
It is also difficult for you to understand just how bad I get, but I think after Thursday you have seen how bad it gets for me and what state I end up in. Once you saw me you were so understanding and caring, but before that you found it hard to communicate with me because you didn’t understand the state I was in. You didn’t quite believe I was that bad. I think you thought that I was just being irrational and over reacting. But you’ve realised I can’t help it. It’s what this anxiety and depression are doing to me. It’s how it gets me. It’s not you that gets me like that. You’re the one that helps get me out of it. You’re the one that reassures me that everything is okay. You’re the one that tries to always understand and keep learning about what I am going through. And for that I am so grateful and think you’re doing a fantastic job at it. It is hard to understand what it is like to keep feeling the way I do and I know at times it seems so alien and ridiculous but you’ve never given up on me, you’ve never stopped wanting to figure it out and find a way to help me. More often than not, you know how to help me before I know what I need. You encouraged me to come to London despite me crying and screaming down the phone. You planned a day out for us. You thought it would help. I was adamant I wasn’t up to it. But you showed me tough love and it was the only way I’d get to see you before you went on holiday and it turned out to be a good day. You got me from a crying mess when I met you, to getting a smile out of me and a conversation by the end of the night. You gave me hope again. You gave me a reason to smile. My reason was you and the love you give.

I want to have the chat with you. I want to see if there is a future with us. What kind of future you imagine. I don’t know your expectations or even if you see one anymore with me but I do look forward to a future with you. I am scared to talk to you about this. I fear your answer. I fear you don’t want the future that I want. I want to live together down the line. I want to know that we’re safe for a future side by side. You once stated that you thought I could be I don’t know if you still believe this. I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t. I fear I’m too over whelming and too much for you to handle.  Is my mental health becoming such a barrier? Such a problem for you to deal with? Are you worried about dealing with that for the rest of your life if we share a future together? I can’t promise that I will ever get rid of this, because I believe that even though I can fight it and I can get better, it will always be a part of me. I just believe that I will find ways at handling it better and controlling it. Learning when I am having these ups and downs and how to get out of them without impacting those around me. I will fight it because I want to have a future full of happiness and living each experience and adventure that life throws my way with a positive attitude but right now, I am only just learning so it is a bit of an uphill battle at times. But I will get better and you don’t need to worry about me being as bad as I have been. I will be happy again. Especially knowing you’re by my side.

I think you know what I hope for and would like in the future. I’m sure you know. I just don’t know if you’re thinking the along the same lines. I want to have the chat. The chat about your hopes and dreams for the future. What plans you have.What you want. I want to know. I want to listen. I hope one day you will tell me.

We have so much and I’m so truly grateful. I’m so lucky to have you, the one person who believes in me, motivates and encourages me, supports me, helps me in their own way, gives me honesty, gives me security but most of all loves me despite my flaws. You have given me memories and experiences to last a life time this past year, so thank you. You’ve introduced me to new interests and shown me there’s so much to life than I first thought.

In the words of Virginia Woolf: “I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that – everybody knows it. I didn’t think two people could have been happier than we have been”. 

I love you completely, today and always,

Not Quite Made Girl

x

NB. I am too much of wuss to actually write this letter and give it to F but I needed to get it out of my system and write it down. And well what better place than my blog where I know he’ll never see it, despite it being for him. 
I know I come across so needy and clingy and sickeningly in love but that’s how he makes me feel, how he needs to see it because I don’t want to lose him over this. I don’t want my mental health to destroy that. 

 

How can you say you love me?

I know everyone perceives love differently. Not everyone loves the same. Nor wants to be loved in the same way. But I think there are some aspects of love that is the same between everyone.

When you love someone you would do anything for them. At any time. No ask would be too much. Or so that’s what I thought love was. Maybe it isn’t? Maybe love has become so commercialised now and no one really respects love like they used to. Maybe people jut believe they are in love because it is protocol and not because they actually feel it or believe it.

Everyone tells me I’m lucky. So lucky to have someone like F. So lucky that he has stuck by me. Lucky that he hasn’t run off during all this. Lucky to have his support. That he is a keeper and I should try holding on to him. Yes, he hasn’t ran through all this but does that really mean I am lucky? I don’t know why he hasn’t ran because I know how damn uncomfortable this all makes him feel. He doesn’t understand it. Doesn’t even attempt to understand it. Half volunteers to me that I can always talk to him, then when I do try to talk to him he doesn’t really listen, and suggests that I talk to my parents and get them to listen to me. I don’t want to talk to my parents. I don’t feel like they are my parents half the time. If I have to talk to anyone it will either be F or BeeBee.

This week I have been struggling. I have been so low. I’ve really regressed. I’m struggling to get through day to day life. I told F on Monday that I wasn’t feeling great. The response I got? “Sorry to hear that baby, hopefully you’ll feel better soon xx”. That was it. He didn’t enquire after me on Tuesday or Wednesday. We barely messaged the last few days because he always says he is busy at work so I try not to message him during the day and wait until I guess it’s his lunch time or when he is nearing the end of work.

Last night I confronted him. Asked him if everything was okay because he seemed a bit distant and he then proceeded to tell me that I was acting different. So I said to him I was struggling still and he simply asked if I had been taking my tablets! Who does that to someone they care about?! I explained the situation and he just said that he was glad they were taking me seriously. He just didn’t show an ounce of care. He didn’t offer to call. Offer to see me. He didn’t care enough to do all that. I had to tell him I hopes to have at least a chat with him and he simply said he could call me later. Not now. Or that we wanted to. But he could and would do so later. The phone call went about as well as the messages. He just didn’t understand. Didn’t attempt to understand. I think he was trying to shrug me off and get rid of me in all honesty. I think he’s so done with me and this illness. Who can blame him? 

He says he loves me and messages me as and when he can. He says he spends all his spare time with me (he doesn’t) and spend every weekend with me. This would be so sweet and lovely of him he didn’t always throw it in my face. He always says it in such a begrudging way when tries to prove that he loves me or whatever. It shouldn’t be a chore or a challenge for him to see me. He should want to. He shouldn’t even have to think about it.

We were meant to be going to London today and then in the evening going to a gig. But I have been feeling awful. I definitely don’t have it in me to be in London for the whole day. I told him I might not be up for it and what did he plan on doing. His response? “I was talking to someone at work yesterday about the gig and they were jealous, so I will just ask them”. That was it. No second guessing. No second thoughts. He had a back up plan that had no involvement of me. He knew I was struggling from our phone call last night. And I was desperate to see him yet he could so easily waste this last day of seeing him before he goes on holiday with a work colleague and not seeing me. If that’s what he wants to do then fine. But how can he claim to love me?

I love him. I love him so much. I would do anything for him. I would go running to his if I had no other method if he was struggling or in trouble. I would call him any time during the day no matter what I am doing. I would always message him to see how he was, what he was up to. Just talk to him. But it isn’t reciprocated half the time. He is so different in person to the person behind messages. And I find that so hard to deal with especially as for the majority of the week we aren’t together.

 This is my first real low since my original diagnosis and I think I’ve been okay and nowhere near as bad as I used to be. My first real low and F can’t be there for me. He just distances himself. How can that be love? You can’t love someone when they’re happy and in a good place. You love all of them. The good, the bad and the ugly. But he doesnt. He just loves the “happy” me. 

I’m off to the city and I’m in tears and feel rubbish. I so everything to please everyone and when I want someone to be there for me they aren’t. I only want a hug at home with the one I love but I can’t get that. I have to go up to the city against my will to even get to see him. 

Maybe I love too hard and maybe I’m under some fairy tale  impression of love and expect too much.  Maybe love isn’t as we thought. 

Excuse me, is this my brain?

I’m not sure where my brain has gone but wherever it has disappeared to, it can fully well stay there. I’m far better off with this hybrid brain that has taken over the past couple of days. Bye 404 Error brain, hello undeniably propitious one! 

I don’t know if I’m just experiencing a very high high or psychologically I have convinced myself that not relying on my anti depressants as often is more beneficial than taking them. I’ll let you know when this positivity ends and a low arrives. If it does. 

Today I had a job interview. Yes, me. I know, I couldn’t quite believe that after all these months of applying to endless jobs in the city, a company finally liked the look of me. Well actually I didn’t apply for the role. I’d like to say I got headhunted for it but that would be a lie too. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on who you know, these days it is definitely who you know more than what you know. And old family friend’s son got talking to my auntie and became aware that I was looking for a job in marketing. So him being the sweetie he is told my auntie to get me to send my CV to him and he’d pass it on if there was any jobs going. 

A day or so later after sending him my CV I got an email about a role with that company. I had my phone interview last Wednesday and was asked for a second interview face to face for today. I did have to think about it and let her know as it was a role I hadn’t really considered or heard of. Although it is still in the marketing field. I had a think. Spoke to my Dad and F and was reassured by both that it was a good opportunity and I was well suited to the role. 

So I accepted the second interview. Fast forward and we’ve arrived at today. The golden day or should I say the green day as it is St. Paddy’s day after all! 😉 I woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed (hahahaha yeah right, puh-lease!), makeup done, teeth shiny white, smart dress on, cars swapped over and me and F were off to London together. (I’ll go into things with F in a bit, but right now job interview trumps all.) We kissed and departed ways with many a good luck wish from F and I was on my own to tackle the underground. This is always a challenge for me as it sets my anxiety and panic attacks off. However, this morning I did it. No panic attack and less anxiety than usual. Yes, go me! I don’t know if it because I was on such a euphoria from having an opportunity  at an actual job in the city or because I had had a good night with F and it was exciting travelling in together and quite grown up. I don’t know but I’m not complaining. 

The office was amazing. I could see myself sat at one of the desks. Fitting in with the team. My interviewers were so cool. Relaxed and down to earth. They seemed like possible friends more than the scary, daunting and intimidating portrayal you think of when you are faced with an interview. The hour flew by and I was soon sat in Pret with a smoothie updating F and then my parents about the interview. 

I’m trying to be positive about this and see it in a better light. I’m taking on w2bag Sarah told me. That when a situation arises. Stop before you act. Think about it. Is it really a worry and a negative or is there a positive outlook. So that’s what I did. As much as the negatives have burdened me the past few days leading up to the interview I have put on my positive thinking pants (helps that F is so ententhusiastic and encouraging about me taking this opportunity) and thought I’d make a list of the positives. Here goes: 

  • A job in the city 
  • Chance to feel like a grown up in a proper job 
  • Get a decent wage and maybe think about moving out of the parents 
  • The prospect of making new friends and having people to go for a drink with after work or during lunch
  • That the days I do stay with F we can travel up together 
  • Me and F can sometimes meet up after work and go for drinks or food 
  • I can get into a routine and hopefully get some balance in my life and moods 

So as much as the negatives thoughts still keep washing over me I’m not going to let them dominate  (well not for rhe majority of the time anyway) and I will be positive. I will try and get excited about the possible outcome and opportunity that I could face in a couple of weeks time. 

Until then I’m going to put it to the  back of my mind and revel in the love and affection that F had been showing me. He has shown just how proud of me he is. How much he supports me and believes in me. It’s really showing how much I mean to him and that maybe he does really love me for who I am. I’m so lucky that over 7 months down the line we’re still so affectionate and in love with each other. We’re still learning about one another but that connection between us is getting stronger and stronger and I really don’t see it breaking. I’ve seen a different side to F this week and I’ve fallen even more in love with him. I didn’t think it possible but each time I see him and speak to him I fall that little bit more and my heart beats that bit faster. Safe to say I’m still very much in love and smitten and nothing could possibly change that. Not even you, anxiety. You can try your best but I’m done letting you make me doubt F and our relationship. You’re not ratiomake and you paralogize continuously. I will get stronger at fighting you and you won’t keep winning. 

Not Quite Made Girl 

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Three Loves 

I was reading an article recently that boldly stated you fall in love with three people in your lifetime and each person is for a specific reason.

I first read it and I thought it was a load of codswallop but the more I read in detail and the more I thought about it, it actually does ring true.

The first love:  the idealistic love.

They say this first love often takes place when we are in our teenage years. We often enter this relationship believing that it is the fairytale that we all hope for: The idealistic, perfect love that will last forever. We believe this person is our one true love even if there are cracks in the relationship or doesn’t feel quite right. We persist to follow it because it is what we believe love is supposed to be.
It is often the love that looks right but isn’t necessarily right for us. It is the love that we believe society expects of us and how others view us is more important than how we feel.

The second love: the hard love

As the name suggests this is the type of love that gives us tough lessons about who we are and how we want to be loved. It’s the love that causes us the most pain. It is an unhealthy cycle. An unbalanced, manipulative and high drama relationship which contains emotional, mental or even physical abuse. We keep going back to this relationship because we keep thinking that it will be different from the previous time. Yet it isn’t and it doesn’t end differently each time. If anything it ends up worse than before.
We keep going back because we expect it to get better. We stay for the memories of the good times, the highs. We stick with the lows because we believe it is just a stage and it will get better. We become obsessed with making this relationship work that we often ignore the fact of if it should actually work and it is actually what we want.

It is the love we wished was perfect.

The third love: the one we never see coming

Some articles claimed that it was the love that looked all wrong for us and didn’t fit our ideals of what love is supposed to be. It comes almost too easy and it takes us aback because we weren’t expecting to find it.

The love with this person is just natural. You just fit with one another.There’s no pressure to be what you’re not. There’s no expectation on how we think each other should act or be. There is just a natural connection. You accept each other just the way you are. And this is what takes us aback. We’ve never had that one person who accepts us for us or doesn’t expect us to be a certain way.

This love may not be how we imagined love to be and it sure doesn’t follow the rules that we’ve come to know when it comes to love. But instead of disappointment at realising this is the love we didn’t imagine, it shows that love doesn’t have to be how we imagined it for it to be real.

It’s the one that just feels right.

My Three Loves.

As soon as I read one of the many articles on the theory of three Loves, I knew almost straight away who my second love was and who my third love is. It took me a while to recall my first love. Simply because it was during my final school years and I’ve blanked most of those years out of my brain.

I’m not going to start in numeral order. I’m defying the protocol of following lists and going by my own numbering system instead. What a rebel.

So number 2. What a tumultuous, turbulent and long winded relationship. Looking back I used to think the whole relationship and the months we kept trying were a waste of my time and love and wore me down as a person. But after the insight of this theory I think it actually taught me a lot. It taught me what I would put up with as a person. It taught me that when I love something I will fight for it no matter how much damage it is doing to me. But most importantly it taught me how I wanted to be loved. And I wasn’t being loved the right way in this relationship.

It was a very unhealthy relationship. It didn’t even really start off on the right foot. It was unhealthy and failing from the start. But at the time you get blinded by the excitement of a new love. You start creating good times and happy memories with this person and before you know it you’re in too deep. The drama and the manipulation starts. The bad times start happening. The good times come rarely. Instead you’re arguing all the time, calling each other names. Being spiteful. The hurt you cause one another through your words and actions. Yet, no matter how bad they make you feel, at the end of the day you would remember the happy memories and believe that this was all just a glitch. That you would get over it. That you would be able to be happy with this person again. We believe that things will change.

I kept running back to this relationship over a period of four years. It wasn’t healthy. It was full of manipulation, false hope and misery. Neither of us were truly happy with the situation but we both had the mutual belief that it was meant to be and we wanted it to be the perfect love. So we did keep going back to one another because we thought it would change.

I suppose at the time I did want this love to be the perfect love. But looking back it really wasn’t. No amount of good memories and happy times and belief could make me run back to that. Not now and not ever. Instead of the happy memories clogging my brain, I now remember how cutting his words were, how is actions affected me and how miserable I became. How broken. I was like a lapdog. I would go to him every beck and call, even if I thought it wasn’t right, I would convince myself it would work. I ignored the fact that it wasn’t meant to be at all despite everyone around me telling me it wasn’t doing me any good. It was an unhealthy, unbalanced relationship. And it never became the perfect love. But it taught me so much. Taught me what I value, what I respect, how much tolerance I will have, how I want to be loved and how to treat others despite how they treat you. It taught me that love isn’t forever and no matter how good things seem, sometimes they just don’t work out. But it also gave me hope. That I would find love now I knew how I wanted to be loved.

My first love. I really thought it was the real deal. I thought it could be The fairytale romance that we often read about. As the articles suggested it did happen in my late teenage years. I was 18. I met him through a mutual friend. It was a pretty fast moving relationship. I behaved in a way with him I hadn’t before.
He made me feel loved. He made me feel wanted. We often met up with each other. I remember one summer’s day just sitting in a park, under a tree and just talking the afternoon away. It had the image of being the idealistic and perfect love.
We had our niggles don’t get me wrong, but it was what I thought love was supposed to be like. We laughed with each other. Went on adventures together. I even stopped being a vegetarian with him. We went to a festival and that was it. That was the end of our love. It took me a while to mend my heart after you. It took me a while to believe in love again. I thought our relationship was the real deal. Everyone said we were good together. That it was obvious we liked one another a great deal.

But maybe, looking back there were cracks. We just plastered over them because I wanted to believe it was the fairytale romance. I wanted to believe it was perfect. But I don’t think we wouldn’t have lasted even if you hadn’t cheated because looking back we weren’t right together and it didn’t feel right. And it wasn’t what love should be. You gave me my first love and I’m grateful for that but I’m also glad you went astray and broke my heart because you let me find my other loves.

My third love. Well I believe this is my current love. It came in the form of F. It was the love that defied the rules and laws. We didn’t meet in the typically romantic way nor was I expecting it. Yes, I was on Tinder but not actively and I never believed I would find love.

This love definitely didn’t fit with my ideals of what love is supposed to be. I didn’t believe that you should go looking for love online by using dating apps. I didn’t believe it was true love that you found online. I always believed that love would find you. You would one day just have your prince charming walk into your life whether out for a coffee, a drink or a night out with the girls. But this love with F definitely defied all these rules of what love is supposed to be and I am so pleased it did. I used to be ashamed to say we met on Tinder because it wasn’t conventional or traditional but now I say it with pride and love. I found the love of my life, my third and final love through a dating app and I feel so lucky to have found that. If it wasn’t for Tinder I wouldn’t have met F and wouldn’t have experienced love.

From the moment we met to this very day, me and F just fitted together. We were so natural with one another. I think we just had a natural connection. We didn’t expect a lot of each other nor have any expectations of what we wanted from one another. This allowed us to each show who we really were to one another and because there were no expectations there was no disappointment. We just accepted each other for the way we were. And as these articles claimed it really does take us aback when someone just accepts us. Has no expectations of us. Loves us and accepts us for who we are despite our many flaws. F accepted me and loved me always straight away for who I was. He continued to love me despite my moods and my highs and lows before I was diagnosed. He accepted it as being a part of me. He didn’t know I suffered with depression and anxiety yet he accepted it and took it on as his own. Even when I was finally diagnosed it changed nothing between us. He still wanted to be with me. He still accepted me for me. He wanted me by his side and he wanted to be by my side because he loved me.

Our love hasn’t really gone by the rule book. It has been full of ups and downs and battles that we didn’t imagine we would have to face. It hasn’t been straightforward or easy at times and isn’t how I imagined love to be. But instead of disappointment in it not being the picture perfect rule following love, like the articles said, it has shown me that despite what  I imagined love to be, it doesn’t have to fit that mould to be real. What me and F have is not like I imagined love to be, but it is everything and so much more and what I believe real love to be.

It honestly is the love that no matter what we go through just feels right.

Everyone’s love story is different and maybe we don’t all experience the three loves. I know many of my friends have fallen in love with their first love when they were teenagers and are still together 10 or so years later. They’re planning their weddings and their futures with the one person that they have ever loved.
I used to envy them and that they had experienced love at such a young age and made it last. They only had that one love. The picture perfect love.

But I don’t anymore. Not after reading these articles. I believe that each love has taught me so much about myself and how I need to be loved. I used to believe at the end of each relationship that there was something wrong with me. That I didn’t deserved to be loved. I started to believe that I would never find love or know what it was like to be truly loved. But it wasn’t necessarily what I was doing. I just had to experience a number of loves before the one that felt right came along. I had to experience the heartbreak of the first, the drama and turmoil of the second, to prepare myself for the the one I didn’t see coming. The one that makes me realise why the others never worked out before. The one that I believe will last. The one that is filled with comfort and love. The one that just naturally fits together. I didn’t mean to find this third love nor did I expect to, but I am so glad that the first two taught me what they did and ended so I could find my third love.

 

 

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Where are we? 

This post is much needed. I have too many thoughts and questions running around my head that I just need to write them down as if I am actually speaking with who it concerns.

Where are we? What are we? What does the future hold and what do I mean to you? 

Since the big change of you getting your own place I’ve thought of nothing but where do I stand with you? See I’m not quite sure. I’m not sure what you want from us. What you see me as some of the time. 

I’ve sat here and worn my heart on my sleeve. Especially recently.  I’ve shared so much with you. I’ve told you about what my blog posts are about. You’ve seen me at my lowest. You’ve heard my biggest fears. And you’ve heard where I want to be in ten years. 

Yet I feel I don’t know what you think. Deep down. What you feel and want. Where do you want to be in 10 years? Do you see me by your side? 

You’ve been nothing but loving and caring these past months and I don’t doubt that you don’t love me. But are you as invested in us as I am? Do we want the same things? 

When do these conversations normally happen in a relationship? When do you decide to discuss what your future holds and what you expect and want from each other? 

I’m not asking for a full act of commitment I just want to have the talk. I want to know that we both want the same thing. That we both have a similar goal in mind. I’m so worried about investing my all in us and ending up heartbroken. I have loved you like no other. I have imagined a future with you that I haven’t with anyone else. You give me hope. And you make me happy. So happy.  I know it doesn’t seem it as of late with my depression and anxiety. But when I’m with you, I feel I can get through it and that you bring me such comfort and security. 

I just need a little bit of reassurance every now and then. I know you do your best. I know you think you’re always showing and telling me how much I mean to you but my anxiety makes me doubt it. I doubt it for the silliest of reasons. I convince myself of things that aren’t true. I convince myself at times that you only are with me because you feel you have to help me get through what I’m going through.  I know you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t love me. I know that. But there’s always a nagging voice in my head. My anxiety causing the doubt. Telling me I don’t deserve you. That someone better will come along and turn your eye and win your heart. 

I am scared of losing you. I couldn’t imagine life without you now. You’ve had such an impact on me and it has always been for the better. I’m scared of facing a future without you by my side. I just need to know you want it as much as I do. 

I love you more than words can express.